I Wish My Lawn Was Emo...So That It Would Cut Itself (876 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.08 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S.I. Co. Semen (View user info) at 2007-02-06 08:23:52 EST
I have herpes.
Herpes Zoster, to be accurate. I wake up Wednesday and notice that I have a pain in my back and chest. I figured that I just slept on it wrong and now my back was fucked up. It felt as though I pulled something in my back and chest at the exact same point throughout the plane. This is probably hard to understand as I'm saying it but if you were to shoot a line straight through me, it felt as that is where I pulled it, equally, on both the front of my torso and the back of my torso.
Before everyone says that I am herpes ridden and will never be cured, go fuck yourselves. Herpes Zoster is more commonly known as "Shingles." Varicella Zoster is the chicken pox which after "cured" once never goes away. It hides out on your spine somewhere and will at some point be likely to rear its ugly head again in the form of shingles. When it rears its head it isn't pretty by any means.
I'm in the most intense pain that I can imagine right now. I seriously feel like someone has smashed one entire side of my trunk, from just below my pectoral to the top of the shoulder blade, front and back, with a sledge hammer...repeatedly. I'm 24 years old and this shit doesn't normally happen until after your 50, and more commonly after 80. So what spurred this? Well, since shingles hide out in your spinal cord nerves it could be just about anything, most likely from my hernia surgery though.
What's worse?
My insurance doesn't cover the Valtrex that I was prescribed. Vicodin cost: $0.92 Valtrex cost: $97.00. What did I do? I refused the Valtrex but the way I feel today, I'm going to go ahead, break down, and buy the medicine. My health is all I have and I feel like that is falling to the way side. Anyone else know anyone who had shingles? What was there experience like?
-=-=-
It's the middle of winter and the temperature was 3 degrees last night and I don't think we are getting into the teens today. Yet, I'm still dreading the season when I have to cut the lawn. That shit just keeps coming back and back so I did the only reasonable thing I knew. This year, I won't have to cut my lawn at all.
First of all, I buried razor blades under the grass every 3 feet radii or so. Next, I mixed into th weed sprayer a black paint and dye. I covered the entire lawn with the black dye. You have to do this in winter so that when it starts growing again you can see the roots growing in. Then, I yelled at it profusely, then gave it a hug, then yelled at it again, then went away for a long time, then came back and yelled at it, then gave it another hug, followed a sporadic routine for about a month. After this last ice over, I got the seeding equipment out and I crushed up a bunch of prozac. I walked in long swathes and covered the lawn.
Then I heard it cry.
Come summer time, it'll start cutting it self. Voila!
User Reviews
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-04-05 22:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by shinebox (user info) at 2007-04-05 21:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Yahweh (user info) at 2007-04-05 21:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anti-locksly
Submitted by mrnoisy (user info) at 2007-02-07 19:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
funny title i guess but you are still a gaybo
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-07 08:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
shine fucken box
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Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-07 05:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...you had me rigid from the title.
Submitted by deelo (user info) at 2007-02-07 05:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thats just silly, lawns can't cut themselves like you and me..that reminds me brb
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-07 04:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks mate; hope it clears up soon.
On the lawn front I am having mine turned into a rockery type thing. I have the poor souls digging up that hards ground as we speak yay!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-02-06 23:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-06 14:20:06 (#)
Ranking: 1
Valtrex will clear that up quickly though.
Shingles is most commonly triggered by large amounts of stress - so do a LOT of relaxing when possible
--------------------
Dr. StrangeLove is right. Avoid stress at all costs.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
STFU faggot
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-06 14:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Valtrex will clear that up quickly though.
Shingles is most commonly triggered by large amounts of stress - so do a LOT of relaxing when possible
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-02-06 12:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean *AHEM* my MIL has those. Apparently they're very painful and occasionally manifest on the buttocks and.... BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
And we all know rednecks take pride in cutting their lawn, so man the fuck up.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-02-06 12:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sympathy +2, because my grandmother had it and it was horrible for her. She said it was the worst pain she had ever felt, even worse than breaking her wrist. Yikes.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-02-06 12:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did you catch it from Paris Hilton?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-02-06 12:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the last part.
Submitted by waterbottle (user info) at 2007-02-06 12:06:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit on a shingle.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-06 11:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-06 11:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-02-06 11:13:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're opening sentence caught my attention and made me read the whole thing. Way to write a post.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-06 10:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should change your name to sicoshingles or shinglesemen. For the duration of your Bananas Foster, I mean.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-06 10:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.fda.gov/FDAC/features/2001/301_pox.html
Submitted by scum101 (user info) at 2007-02-06 10:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
at least you have all your limbs, eyes, ears and a dick... well that's debatable but the point is MAN IT UP YOU FUCKING HOMO
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-06 10:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god..you poor thing..I've heard shingles fucking sucks!
Everything you ever wanted to know about Sacrilicious
User id: 20860
Registered on or around: 2005-07-27 19:25:12
# Messages posted: 57
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Average rating of all messages: 1.47
100 K HITS WOO
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. I've never had shingles, but I have had poison ivy rash make its way over every inch of my body.
2. I've heard shingles are tremendously painful, and I'm sorry you're feeling like crap.
3. Stop abusing your lawn.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:15:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
what the fuck is wrong with you? My 85 year old landlord has shingles - stop sticking your dick in every random whore that passes by
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
emos are faggots too
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the fuck is wrong with you? My 85 year old landlord has shingles - stop sticking your dick in every random whore that passes by
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I find other people's pain amusing.
So here I am, laughing at you and not with you.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my asshole drinking buddies had shingles on his face.
The weird thing about shingles is that it's hemispheric, meaning that it only effects you on one side of your body while the other side stays perfectly fine. I don't know much else about it.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have shingles. It's supposed to be 79 degrees here today. And my lawn is granite gravel.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats really rough. My great Aunt had shingles a few years back. I'm sorry to say it left her almost blind. She had an awful time of it, but eventually things got better. Her eyes didn't though. I guess it depends on where it comes out. Good luck with it though. You will get better, but it can take a while and is a bit of a battle.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
honestly im juyst being a jackass.
you are probably a really nice dude and I dont wish bad health on anyone.
so sry duders.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rad, what karma? "internet credo karma" from the asshole I am to people who don't know me? I'm not a karma expert, but it doesn't work that way. Generally my health is fantastic, but the surgery spurred this on, and the hernia was from sexing my old lady. I'd find it hard to believe that because I'm an internet asshole it links me to bad health. I will give you a 5% on the chance of being a factor, though, just in case I am wrong.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no +2 because this title is one of the most overused phrases I have ever heard.
its worse than when my friends and I invented "hookers and blow" 15 years ago.
Submitted by cera (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
have you ever considered that all your health problems are just karma?
jus sayin.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:34:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My lawn is like a fucking jungle.
The other day, I discovered I had a shed.
It just wasn't visible in the photos that the estate agent had.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+.5 for the title. Sweet title.
+.5 because Herpes Zoster always makes me think of "Bananas Foster."
+1 because you're having a really rough go of it lately, and nothing soothes the troubled soul like a positive rating from an internet ghost.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shingles is a MOTHERFUCKER.
You have my sympathy.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-06 08:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Stop posting. We don't wanna get infected.