Mr. toll operator, I loathe you (467 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.23 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Manitou (View user info) at 2007-02-06 20:53:47 EST
The following events took place between 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM on Tuesday, February 6th, 2007.
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"No she didn't" I said to myself under my breath as I felt my pulse rate quicken.
That goddamned tramp in her white Mercedes had cut me off twice in 10 seconds.
I've killed the hopes and dreams of small children for less than that.
I was working on the second half of my coffee when the rage I felt towards this disrespectful whore overcame my very being and sent me into a fit of bloodthirsty insanity. You might not think humans are capable of sprouting massive canines akin to that of a walrus but I swear to god, when the right combination of self-rightous real estate agent and 80 miles per hour meets just the right mixture of Tuesday commute and a partial hangover, it's possible.
My trapezius muscles grew to the size of regulation footballs. She was now weaving through the 4 or 5 cars ahead of me with the same kind of blatant disregard I would expect from a 2 year old pissing in the kiddie pool. Except in this case the 2 year old was behind the wheel of a $90,000 luxury sedan while yapping away to the client who's been waiting on her for 35 minutes.
My fingers grew by at least 50%. Maybe 55%, I don't recall exactly. My field of view became tinted with red - I was going to fucking eat this woman's pancreas right from out of her cracked-open ribcage in front of anyone unfortunate enough to slow down and view the roadside spectacle when it happened.
Fuck.
Toll booth.
My thighs exploded in size and threw the driver side door right off it's hinges. I needed the breeze, too. This beast-like state I was entering was causing some unwanted heat. Soon the wind was coarsing through my thick, bear-like body hair and I began my approach to the line of cars all waiting to pay their $.50 at the toll booth. Mrs. Mercedes was only 6 cars ahead of me.
Thank god I wasn't wearing my seatbelt for surely by then I would have choked on it. My chest must have grown 40-50 inches and it was then that I became too big for my car. It's a good thing the cars were moving slowly at that point, because seeing the car in front of you pop it's fucking top like a can of sardines can raise some eyebrows.
After bursting through the roof of my car I ripped the curling steel from around my body and took survey of my beeline to that mindless hag just waiting for me to bring sweet death to her not 40 yards away. Someone honked their horn and I sent my foot through their windshield, promptly ending the existence of the annoying distraction.
I leapt straight over the first 2 cars in one bound. As I came crashing down onto the back end of the SUV in my flight path I caught sight of a serious problem.
I was at the toll booth. Up ahead was the toll operator. You can't get past the toll operator without paying your $.50.
I didn't have the $.50 required to pass so I couldn't reach where the white Mercedes had made it.
*sigh*
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-07 21:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You still have a penis? Wow.
That's a surprise. Who would have thunk it?
Submitted by Manitou (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shlongy I don't pick fights with defenseless old men anymore. It kind of went out of style for me I guess.
But hey if you want to grab a beer and suck me off I'm cool with that.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Can't say I've missed you, Bonds.
So, we gonna hook up when I come back to Atlanta in March for a couple of Thrasher games?
I recall that you're gonna crumple me, if I remember correctly. Something must have came up last time and you conveniently missed me.
Submitted by Manitou (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shlongy I've missed your uninterrupted cockriding. Good to see you're still the middle aged poofter I fell in love with long ago.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No one gives a fuck.
I thought you "retired from Uber" like 7 times, you friendless loser.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-07 07:59:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:56:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. And I can emphasize.
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I think the Canuck means empathise.
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haha!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-07 18:38:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bret Dallas, is that you?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-02-07 16:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-07 05:35:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:35:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
STFU Oathmeal
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-07 11:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-06 20:54:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi Bret
Submitted by Doogsterville (user info) at 2007-02-07 08:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:39:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
excuted a little better, this could've been really great.
I still liked it.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2007-02-07 08:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-07 07:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:56:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. And I can emphasize.
--------------------------
I think the Canuck means empathise.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-07 07:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE GONNA DIE BITCH!
IM COMIN' OUT OF THE BOOOOOTH!
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-02-07 07:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
is that toll with one 't'?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-07 07:17:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Whether this is bret or not, I thought It was decent.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-07 05:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:35:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
STFU Oathmeal
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-07 00:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
started out good... kept my attention...
...then it became a bit too "over the top" for me... but I kept with it since the beginning was decent...
... then you insulted me by having no ending. BOO!
Try harder next time, please! You ALMOST had it. "ALMOST" being 1/3... but whatever.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-06 22:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WonderBread (user info) at 2007-02-06 22:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha, great ending.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. And I can emphasize.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excuted a little better, this could've been really great.
I still liked it.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:35:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
STFU Oathmeal
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-02-06 20:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
(Rating: 0 on 1 review, last by method 8 seconds ago)
Jesus
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-06 20:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi Bret