The Carrot is Stuck on the Launchpad (725 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.91 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by V8Lover (View user info) at 2007-02-08 12:39:22 EST
I tried to tell her. NO, REALLLY, I tried to fucking tell her but she wouldn't listen.
"Kansas," says I "you mustn't leave for the coop or the sty just yet, the launchpad isn' clear."
"Oh quit your bustle, Bermuda," says she "I can get across in two pops of a jiffy."
And then she left.
She fucking left.
I plastered the cement with Mr. Yuck stickers the night before hoping to dissuade her from making a grave mistake. She made mistakes before. She left a no-no in the gravy. Yah, a fucking lump! Can you believe that she left lumpy gravy on the table? She stooped down and scratched the Mr. Yuck stickers but nothing happened, they're not scratch and sniff, you see.
Well do you?
Do you see?
"Look out for the dang blasted Carrot, Kanas!" Says I.
"Nonsense, Bermuda!" Says she.
"Don't detonate on the pheromones" is all that keeps running through my mind. But I'm not blind and I see the mother freaking, gosh damn, son of a bitching carrot sticking out like a traffic cone and it's three clicks in pigeon scale away from the uniform dexterity manipulator, RIGHT THERE ON THE LAUNCHPAD.
Of course she sprays on perfume which is the pheromone detonator and it synchs an autonomous reaction to things below the canopy. If she would open the umbrella she couls stop all this mayhem but the zebra clearly won't allow that.
"The zebra is in the way, Kansas!" Shouts I.
She didn't hear me.
I spray a little glucosamine in my peptide enhancer which gives me a little giddyup in my step, step. I aim, pull, release lob the shotput which misses the old Edsel sitting in the driveway, about four 1/hundred millionths of a light year away from the launchpad. The Edsel's sump pump gives way and it catches the attention of Kansas.
"Get the carrot, god damnit!" Shouts I while pointing to the object.
"I've got the carrot," says she "and look what else!"
She lifts up her skirt and where her genitalia should be lo and behold it was a mudflap. On the mudflap that was swing with a squeak was the neatest Navajo print that I ever did see. It explained why the carrot was on the launchpad in the first place. It explains why the Edsel was waiting for me to lob the shotput to it after I greased my peptide enhancer with a little glucosamine. Had she not missed the zebra, applied the pheromone detonator or scratched the Mr. Yuck stickers, then this would have never happened.
"The lump in the gravy was purposeful?" Asked I.
"Yes, dear, yes my dear." Says she.
She.
Is.
Wonderful.
User Reviews
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-02-09 09:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
stupid
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-09 02:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't make it very far through this.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
".....if they're comin at ya....."
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT SHITTY ALTER ALERT
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
are you high?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-08 14:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
here's how to make gravy
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96082
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-02-08 14:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2007-02-08 14:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Mars (user info) at 2007-02-08 13:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid bitch makin lumpy gravy
Submitted by Manitou (user info) at 2007-02-08 12:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this to be an absolutely brilliant work of intellect and imagery.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-02-08 12:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
minus 2.
or negative 2 if you prefer.