Living in the Ghetto. A ghetto novel part 2. (480 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.58 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <romiustexis.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2007-02-09 08:37:14 EST
I don't need bling. I just want to be rich like a Kenyan. Rolling with my cell phone. Spending disaster relief aid money like it's never gonna rain.
Not every American is as rich as Angle Jolie or as handsome as Brad Pitt. Take me for instance. I look more like the New Leave it to Beaver than a movie star.
I am not working much right now. But I still have to support my drinking habit. Good thing Circle K offers RC cola at 99 cents for a 2 liter. I don't mind RC cola. But I don't always think of RC as soda. Sometimes I just shut my eyes and pretend its dark acidic goodness is the foamy leftovers spilled out from Paris Hilton's yeasty vagina .
The clerk at the Circle K I buy my RC from wished me a nice night and "fun drinking." The clerk at the Circle K is fat. But not soft fat. Strong fat. She rises over her cash register like a tidal wave of kinetic energy.
She assumes since I walked here that I am taking both 2 liters of RC and 7lbs of ice home so I can get drunk. Because people without cars are usually drunks. But I can't get drunk, because I can't afford alcohol. That's why I stick to mixers only. Plus my liver is too tired to face Jack Daniels anyway. It faxed me a warning if it has to form "anymore yellow bile and green turds" it would "go on strike."
My own liver. On Strike. My liver is such a bitch that it prefers to communicate with me via fax. You know, like some pissed off insurance customer. Rather than in person like a real man/liver should.
My cashier informs me that my purchase total comes to $3.63. Good thing. My payday from last nights poker haul was just 4 dollars. I dig in my pockets for 3 bills and 65 cents. I even had enough to "donate" my change to breast cancer or maybe some home for retards. I figured I owed the retards as much since I was gonna go ahead and make a joke at their expense.
"Did you know that a third of all Kenyans have cell phones?"
The cashier didn't. "And I bet a significant majority of them earn more than 4 dollars a day." My cashier did not appear to be at all interested in my white man's burden pity party. Instead she just kept clobbering away at the cash register with her fists.
"I need to do this." She says. She wants to reassure me. She'd like me to believe that the operation of the cash register required punching it with all her might. But her efforts at convincing me are in vain. I nearly ran out of the building after witnessing the shear power of her punches. "And don't rob me." She adds still punching away at the machine.
"You look too tuff!" I told her. "To rob."
"It wouldn't be tough to rob me." She insisted.
"Tuff's got nothing to do with. If I robbed you, it's just about the biddness." My comment provoked laughter from the line of people behind me, so I repeated the word. "Biddness."
People who stand in line behind me at ghetto convenience stores love to hear white people use slum in their vernacular. It makes the white people seem more humane. Like they've watched enough flavor flave reality shows to be "down" with it.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-02-12 16:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This started off sounding like a bunch of loosely releated stand-up lines. Then it kind of formed a surreal kind of story and I ended up liking it.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-02-11 11:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thats not a ghetto novel, this is a ghetto novel: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81573
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-02-11 10:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-09 12:10:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
in the ghettoooooooooooooooo
and his momma cried...
"Then one night in desperation , the young man breaks away ...
Leaves the house , steal a car , but he won't get far ... "
In ze ghetto ...(big momma choir fades in ...)
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-11 07:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-02-10 05:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Snarky Snarkman drunken birthday auto +2.
Only read the first sentence but already I'm guessing you do need bling.
Lots and lots of bling.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-09 20:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My sister just sent me the Orson Welles version of "Othello." I love my sister. And I just opened my first beer of the weekend. +2 for all.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2007-02-09 15:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Not every American is as rich as Angle Jolie"
It's Angelina, you moron.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-09 15:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Kenya doesn't have the infrastructure to support a normal landline phone set up and like much of country China it is far easier and cheaper to install towers for cell phones.
In Kenya you can also get micro credit to purchase a cell phone and then charge people a fee to make a phone call.
Kenya also has a massive influx of refugees from Southern Sudan which is straining their economy and infrastructure. It is also an extremely corrupt country which suffers from erratic inflation and abuse of power.
Get a job white boy or move to Kenya and buy a cell phone.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-09 15:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was stupid, but I share your views on RC Cola, so have a +2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-09 12:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
in the ghettoooooooooooooooo
and his momma cried...
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2007-02-09 11:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
But I don't always think of RC as soda. Sometimes I just shut my eyes and pretend its dark acidic goodness is the foamy leftovers spilled out from Paris Hilton's yeasty vagina .
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I think it would have been better if you had said Old English or some other malt liquor. That just seemed out of place for this story. Overall this was a fun read. It had a BOSH'y feeling to it
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-02-09 10:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've often pondered writing on the reservation. It wouldn't be that hard, you know; exploit the whole race card thing, throw around lots of "Native" words that white people won't understand, use racial guilt to my advantage, maybe even toss in a misspelling or two to get some street cred. But then I remember that it's 2007, that we've moved on, and that we should all know better.
I guess what I'm TRYING to say is that this is crap.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2007-02-09 10:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
iss cooo nigga
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-09 09:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWWW YEEAAAH BOOOYYEEEE!
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-02-09 09:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
where's part 1?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-02-09 09:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-09 08:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Ok...