Would anyone care to read my resignation letter? It's short and sweet, just like your mom...but your mom isn't in the computer...is she? (836 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2007-02-12 20:58:59 EST
Prologue, I hate that place, yet I refused to let my emotions get in the way. I think I pulled it off nicely.
Oh, and you must know that the character I've called, "Barney", is my direct supervisor. Bless his heart for taking my abuse for all these years.
Last thing, Suffolk is in Virginia. Being as that it's in VIRGINIA, this probably will be the least used bit of information of this prologue.
That's it:
To whom it will concern,
I'd like to take this time to thank the staff of Electric Motor and Contracting for providing me with an opportunity to serve them in every way they have let me. The hard work ethics of the individuals working for you have taught me much in my seven year history of the company, and I look forward to using the lessons that I have learned in future endeavors.
One of these endeavors of mine in particular is the cause of my absenteeism, and for that I can only show you the bright side of the situation, because in every negative thing, you have to realize that it is only that way because you refuse to look at the positive, so let's try this theory out...
A list of some things that you may be happy about now that I'm gone:
Barney will never again have the opportunity to ask me if I want anything from KFC. (the fact that I've been vegetarian for 3 years can only lead me to assume that he thinks I get by off eating Mac and Cheese and Corn on the Cob since that is pretty much the only two items that Kentucky Fried CHICKEN offers vegetarians) Since he has that nice, Suffolk drawl, I figure this interaction takes roughly 22 seconds, but this simple little act over the amount of time I've been there (I rounded up the estimate to 7 years for efficiency's sake) would provide you with 2 things.
1.)The money you would've paid me to stand there and interact in this scenario, (Figurative as it may be, and this is assuming that in the next 7 years, I wouldn't receive a raise, holy cow, there's money saved already! $582.40 to be exact! Hell, I should sell YOU books on the money you could save by me quitting...I mean, resigning)
2.) I'll assume that you're paying Barney on the same level as myself (Which works out very well for you because you are now at an advantage in our imaginary world, and I've always been a giving person) bringing your grand total up to around $1164.80. That's pretty cool, eh? Starting to be glad I'm not around yet?
Ok, so maybe the list was shorter than you expected it to be, (like that girl you meet off of the Internet. Why must females lie about their height, weight, width? It's bound to be unraveled in the end) but at least you have some simple reasons of why you should be happy with me and you probably have a smile on your face. The smile is from Barney's misfortunate actions around me, and the story is from me, so do me a favor and give him a smile next time you see him as repayment. I shall accept that in lieu of monetary compensation.
So once again, thank you, you're welcome, whichever it may be and I bid you good luck with EMC.
-Dan Cossu
User Reviews
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-02-19 03:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-19 03:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-02-18 09:35:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Very informative and lucid, for I too, have always wanted a crooked spine, or orthopedic shoes.
Looking good, momma. Damn Oregon and their growing techniques!! I suppose next, they'll be growing showers and hybrid vehicles rather than toilets and Ice cream trucks...that is an ice cream truck in the background isn't it?
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There's still hope for both of us. Perhaps we can pinkie-swear and make a pact to run, arm in arm, into the path of an oncoming large vehicle? That might render our pelvises and/or spines broken, and we could possibly each necessitate but a single elevated shoe...if we played our cards right, they'd be opposite shoes; and while I imagine my feet are a bit smaller I could always wear multiple pairs of socks and we could go half and half; saving tons of cash on those kicks.
Oregon knows how to grow 'em. And I wish that was an ice cream truck. It was the plumber. I should have included the pic of me gesturing towards the toilet; signifying that it was now in his able hands...*single tear*
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-02-18 10:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm always looking to make a quick buck. It's the ones that take forever that I try to stay away from.
YOU COME WITH THE APT?!?!?
Are you covered under the renter's insurance policy? WHAT'S THE DEDUCTABLE?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-18 10:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Dan- I'm sure I can find some chores for you to do around my apartment if you're looking to make quick buck.
p.s. - I may also need a body guard.
p.p.s.- I come with the apartment.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-02-18 09:50:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree with you, Jake.
"What couldn't use more anecdotes", is the question on my mind.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-18 09:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-18 09:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more anecdotes.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-02-18 09:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I need to start writing again, if only for these comments you guys leave. Too funny!
Good to hear from everyone, glad to see that creative spark hasn't left the halls uf Ubersite.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-15 12:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:09:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
well, coley reviews your posts enough to let me slack off.
you should be flattered that you are so likable _Dan.
I think you're likable anyway.
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I'll have to stop doing that so you can stay in practice, scourge.
Blame it on Lishy and the O-Man. The draw me in with inappropriate innuendos.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, coley reviews your posts enough to let me slack off.
you should be flattered that you are so likable _Dan.
I think you're likable anyway.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-02-13 09:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
_!!!!
I love you man!
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-13 08:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-02-13 06:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not that great
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-13 06:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:06:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Marshmallows are made out of cancer and American Indian gall bladders.
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A few years ago, I designed, supervisd the building of, and installed what was (at the time) the world's fastest marshmallow-cutting machine. True story. Kraft foods, in northern Indiana. Think it's easy? You try heating a marshmallow to 105 F and then cutting it in half without having any goo stick to the knife. Now cut 9500 of them every minute on each of six production lines for 16 hours per day, 262 days per year. That's 14,336,640,000 marshmallows per year from that factory with no goo on the knife. I'm good, I tell ya.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-13 01:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Flack: it's fermented split soybeans. Kinda like tofu but with a seedier texture.
God that sounds gross, but it's not. My school has some rockin orange tempeh with veggies and yakisoba noodles.
Lishy: We're meant to be together; clearly.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-02-13 00:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell is tempeh?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While I enjoy being an active part of the food chain, I ate meatless meatballs for lunch today.
This week, I bought veggie burgers and fake turkey, too. I was craving falafel. mmm.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bought veggie hot dogs AND corn dogs today.
And tempeh.
I'm such a hippie.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:08:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OOH I MEAN THE TOFU KIND DAN DON'T THROW PAINT ON MY LUNCH OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU PEOPLE DO
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:06:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marshmallows are made out of cancer and American Indian gall bladders.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm more in the mood for a hotdog.
Over an open fire.
mmm.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marshmallows, I mean. What the fuck are they made out of, anyway?
probably the same freak thing as Jell-O and pistachio fluff.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's disgusting.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The pole's already been taken care of. The tent is UP, after all.
However I won't stop one of you from taking a marshmallow and sticking my skewer through it.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:01:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus. Next thing you know he'll be telling us "It only takes one pole..each of you take one end and help me erect it."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-12 23:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHO WANTS TO ACCESS MY OUTDOOR ADVENTURER?
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS UNZIP THE TENT DOOR.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, sucks to be you, A_D. Looks like Otron, Lishy and I are pitching a tent.
Okay one of us is.
And I'm not doing all the work this time.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you just call me "cole slore"?
Eat me!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SWEATER MONKEYS
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU FORGOT ABOUT COLE SLORE DAN
SLAW SLAW
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:25:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah shit forget the sweater vest thing I got confused.
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Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:08:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
So does this mean you won't be wearing sweater vests anymore?
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AHAHAHHAHAH
*pictures A_D and AJ interchangeably...* nope. Too funny.
PS SWEATER VESTS WILL ALWAYS BE IN STYLE IN MY BOOK!
Especially argyle. I'm a big fan of argyle.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chances are most of the peanuts you've eaten have come from Suffolk.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah shit forget the sweater vest thing I got confused.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-02-12 22:08:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So does this mean you won't be wearing sweater vests anymore?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-12 21:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aight.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-12 21:41:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I left the only job i ever had, my boss named a pizza after me.
In the years since I have purchased an oven, computer and stainless steel food cabinet for him and my name is spelt wrong on the menu.
The owner also is going senile and I'm positive hes forgotten that i own all the equipment in his shop.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-02-12 21:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Find a pic of a slaughtered chicken. Make sure it's good and bloody. Take it to a printer (hopefully they'll play ball with you)and have it blown up to poster size. Tack it up in Barney's office (when he goes out to pick up some KFC).
Oh yes, make sure you scrawl across the poster "I QUIT" in black marker.
And have that be your resignation letter.
It's how I plan to quit at the hospital.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 21:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, fuck you for the comment about my mom. She's a sweet, sweet lady.
Wait, you already said she was sweet, didn't you....
grrr
-2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-12 21:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no kidding?
Haha, adios SUCKAZ
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-12 21:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
nah
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-02-12 21:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
slightly amusing