Eat Me February. (909 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -0.3 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sarah (View user info) at 2007-02-13 10:21:34 EST
Ah, February. Time for Groundhogs, Valentines, and Black History.
Fuck February.
First, it begins with an ugly rodent. The groundhog is a useless creature, designed to just dig holes where one can twist ankles and fall randomly. Yet, every February 2nd, millions of people pay homage to this beast expecting it to tell us if we will have six more weeks of winter or not. On March 20, 2007, at precisely 8:07 P.M. EDT (March 21, 00:07 Universal Time), the Sun will cross directly over the Earth's equator. This moment is known as the vernal equinox in the Northern Hemisphere. For the Southern Hemisphere, this is the moment of the autumnal equinox.
Six weeks after Groundhog Day.
So, we know that we are having this period of winter anyway, why have a "holiday" for it? It's not like there are drink specials at bars and you don't get the day off from work. What backwoods, cousin-marrying redneck convinced a nation that this was a good idea?
Then there is Valentine's Day. The cheesiest of all holidays. A rose (how bleh), a heart shaped box of candy (can we say "cliché"?) and we women are supposed to get weak-kneed from ONE DAY"S gesture of romance? Let's not forget the cards. Who writes that crap? Willy Wonka? The drip and ooze disturbingly "sweet" notions that would get you slapped in a bar for saying to strangers. And school children are introduced to the seething rejection they will face later in life by making them celebrate this atrocity in the classroom.
Little Jonny will sit there, braces aglow, glasses resting gently on his pimple-marked face, waiting for his one true love. Sure, he get's cards only because the teacher made everybody bring enough so every classmate would get one from every other classmate. Deep inside, though, Jonny know no girl likes him. He also realizes that he will have to live with this shitty tradition for the rest of his life. Even after marriage, he will be forced to get his wife more shit every Valentine's Day. Why? So Hallmark and Hershey's can get more money for nothing.
Black History month.
Yippee.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Malcolm X and MLK would be proud that this exists, but all "Heritage Days" are just a bunch of crap.
We're sorry for the slavery and segregation thing, but it has been a few days since that happened. And because you got your month, the Hispanics need their time. What? Now the Native Americans want time too? And the Asians? Christ.
When is White History time, you ask? Well, according to Equal Opportunity doctrine it is everyday not specially designated for another race.
So, look for Irish-Catholic-American Day and Native-Pacific-Islanders-That-Moved-To-Idaho Week coming soon.
User Reviews
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-02-14 03:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Regarding Groundhogs Day: Yeah, its pointless. But we could pice it up. Maybe instead of a groundhog we could get a midget stripper, an elephant, or Jesus to let us know its spring.
Regarding Valentines: This is a holiday made up by self-absorbed women for self-absorbed women. Apparently, I, as a man, must adhere to buying candy, dinner, and eating pussy. NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!
You know what I'm doing for Valentine's Day. Jerking off EXTRA hard.
Regarding Black History Month: You're right, when do white people get there own history month? White people have invented many great things including the lightbulb, democracy, and butt sex. Wheres OUR holiday!!!!!?!?!?!?!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-13 17:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw the title and all I could think was "YARR! WHO'S BEEN EATING MY FEBRUARY?"
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-13 15:46:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob, you're such a nice guy.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-13 15:15:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SCREW EM ALL!
I AGREE WITH YOU.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-13 15:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:37:59 (#)
Ranking: -1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX9qcggRo18
Your post is almost as bad as this. Almost.
---
oh.
my.
Gawd.
That was fucking horrible.
uhg.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX9qcggRo18
Your post is almost as bad as this. Almost.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was complete and utter shit for a rant.
F
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-13 13:05:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd tell you what I really think but then you'd yell at me.
Aw, fuck it, I ain't scared of no bitch! This sucked.
I hope that was ethnic enough for you, dollface. heh heh *snort*
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-13 13:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow I think I just had my ass raped by Interflora.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-02-13 13:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You forgot that it's also national condom month
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-13 12:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Eat Me Sarah
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-02-13 12:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I turn 21 this month. Hooray February.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-13 12:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"we women are supposed to get weak-kneed from ONE DAY"S gesture of romance?"
Be happy that you get any you frigid cunt.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-02-13 11:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Suck it up. Far too much whining going on around here.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2007-02-13 11:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I already totalled my car and sprained my wrist within the first few days of this miserable month.
Fuck February.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-02-13 11:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
February has steak and blowjob day in it....
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-13 11:20:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Confused cunt below.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2007-02-13 11:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I agree, romantic gestures should be every day
For instance, last night was sex and then he got a foot massage until he fell asleep
I'm a giver, what can I say
Still, I don't like the assumption that Valentine's Day is only for women.
Hence the rating...
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2007-02-13 11:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Helloooooo?
Pitchers and catchers?
Conference tournaments??
February rocks.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
February does suck.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Once I got a huge 5 lb. Hershey's bar for Valentine's Day. It was a nice thought and was rather expensive, but the thing took months to eat and eventually I gave up. To this day chocolate gives me horrible stomachaches and I have to avoid it.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
mmm... barbequed groundhog
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Groundhog Day is a made-up holiday that's really just an excuse to go outside and play in the snow. Enjoy it - make a snow angel or barbecue a groundhog.
Valentine's Day is a made-up holiday invented by the Greeting Card people because it's too long between New Years and Easter. Enjoy it - buy some chocolates and smear them on someone you love.
Black History Month is a made-up holiday designed to appease a vocal minority to keep them from seeing how bad they continue to have it, and in fact make them believe that being as a group poor and uneducated by choice is OK as long as every once in a while one of them either a) gets paid record amounts for their performance in sports or music or, as it has happened on several occasions, b) makes a meaningful contribution to society. Enjoy it - wear your Malcom the Tenth hat to O'Malley's Pub.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
P.s my nickname at school was February!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Then there is Valentine's Day. The cheesiest of all holidays. A rose (how bleh), a heart shaped box of candy (can we say "cliché"?) and we women are supposed to get weak-kneed from ONE DAY"S gesture of romance? Let's not forget the cards. Who writes that crap? Willy Wonka? The drip and ooze disturbingly "sweet" notions that would get you slapped in a bar for saying to strangers. And school children are introduced to the seething rejection they will face later in life by making them celebrate this atrocity in the classroom.
--
I hate this day too; will you marry me? I wrote a poem, it's really original too:
Roses are red (but can also come in other colours too, that are cheaper at this time of year),
Violets are 'aparently' blue (but I can't confirm this as I don't think I have ever seen one),
Do you have tits?
and can I have a view? (but don't worry if you don't want to show them as I have access to the internet where naked ladies live forever and ever trapped in the throws of recorded fake orgasm)
I know it isn't the best but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you ;-)
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This was remarkably unfunny.
Submitted by littlegirllost (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know. 28 days? Just give up, February. Nobody likes you.
Reject month.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:34:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
And it's cold. But at least it's short.
Submitted by Manitou (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've seen better rants in bathroom stalls.
Submitted by Hagard (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This month tastes like defeat, and red lace.
skiing is good though...
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
spose this will get 100 reviews too.... and you haven't even got your tits out yet.