The Sand Castle, Pt. 1 (338 hits)
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Submitted by ampersand (View user info) at 2007-02-13 10:54:48 EST
It was the middle of June and the beach was crowded. So crowded you could hardly find room to walk without stepping on something that didn't belong to you. It was the sort of situation that, a month later, could easily turn unpleasant: tempers always burn more brightly under the fickle gaze of the July sun. June though, has a balmy wind for its ally which, together with the warm water, seems to make fun an irresistible proposition for virtually everyone. The shallowest water consisted mostly of giggling young children and their mothers. One small segment of the beach saw the children organize an impromptu firefight with the wet sand. The mothers in this segment found this to be a rather distressing turn of events and attempted to put a stop to it as promptly as possible. This ended up being not nearly as prompt as was hoped. More then one crisp white T-shirt was ruined by the affair. The mothers attempted to scold their children but failed entirely as not one in the lot of them could stop from laughing.
The water slightly further out from the children was inhabited mostly by the remainder of the mothers and fathers who were not encumbered by the supervision of a small child. For the most part these people seemed content simply to stand around and discuss things much as they usually did. Two significant variations should be noticed though. First, as compared to when they conversed on land, a much smaller portion of them are talking about work, politics, the economy or anything else of that sort. Second, a much greater portion of them seem to be smiling. Mostly teenagers and young adults populated the water further out then that, out where the waves could be more properly enjoyed. Much as on land, they tended to be louder and more animated then their aged counterparts. This section of water was at all times the most crowded for the young people did return to shore easily. The thrill of life still coursed strong through their veins and it allowed them to carry on in their reckless celebration for far longer then any older generation could. The water still further out held those few people who required privacy beyond what the anonymity of a crowd could provide and only sailboats dotted the water beyond them.
The shore was, if anything, even more frantically active then the water. There were numerous volleyball nets lining the back of the beach and they were all in nearly constant use. Games of football and frisbee were similarly common. The participants in these games belonged generally to the same age group as those who populated the water deeper then the parents. Most of them gave much more of their attention to all the fit, tan bodies of the opposite sex which were on display then to whatever sport they were ostensibly playing. As such, a great many volleyballs, footballs and frisbees landed where they were not intended to. In one remarkable incident, a football traveling particularly fast hit a child's water pail, spilling its cold contents onto the back of an older sister sunbathing nearby and giving her quite a shock. Much to the delight of the football players, the young lady followed the popular habit of sunbathing with her bikini top unfastened. The poor girl's reflex reaction to the cold splash of water elicited scattered applause amongst those around her as well as uproarious laughter from one particular section of young men. A young man wearing a bathing suit, a plain white T-shirt and a pair of dark sunglasses was walking along the edge of the water at that particular moment, very near to the commotion, but he somehow managed to avoid noticing it entirely. This is unfortunate for the young man as he would likely have very much enjoyed the spectacle.
As it turned out though, he ended up seeing something almost as interesting. He suddenly noticed he was quickly approaching what was almost certainly the largest sand castle he had ever seen. As he grew still closer he was surprised to see that its highest towers stood at least half again as tall as he. He was even more surprised to see that a sand castle could have towers. Yet still more surprising were the sort of preposterous angles at which this sand castle alleged its towers could jut out at without collapsing completely. The young man was not sure he believed the sand castle, and further, he suspected rather strongly that the laws of physics would side with him in a debate. He asked them, but they never responded. He felt this was unfortunate seeing how they were key witnesses in his case. The whole castle in fact seemed to be bent at rather odd angles, as though a large, invisible fist were squeezing it strongly in the middle, giving it the contours of a skinny, drunken hourglass with a sloppy haircut. It even had a moat around it suggesting that the hourglass should've been more careful in pouring his liquor except for the fact that the moat, which was perfectly circular, flowed like a river. The laws of physics would probably have something to say about that too, the young man thought. Regardless, neither he nor even the laws of physics would ever suggest that the sand castle was not an impressive sight.
It was the sort of thing you expected to be at all times supervised by a proud architect, yet it seemingly had no sort of protection at all. In fact no one but the young man seemed even to notice that the sand castle was there. A woman sitting in a chair directly behind it suddenly smiled and waved at the sand castle. At the very same time a child in the shallow water had also turned around and smiled and waved in the direction of the sand castle. The young man put two and two together very quickly but it seemed to equal seventeen which he found somewhat worrisome. At just that moment though, a voice in front of him pulled him out of his thoughts, for which he was not unappreciative.
"Hello there, boy!" The voice carried in it a very thin strand of great age, like a small crack in a regal old oak tree, but was altogether jolly and pleasant. The young man found this somewhat paradoxical, not because he could not reconcile age with a joyful voice, but rather because he could not find any source for the voice: no one around him was paying him even one wit of attention. As far as the young man could see, this left only the sand castle, but surely not even the sand castle would suggest that inanimate objects such as itself could speak?
"Are you deaf boy, or just rude?"
"Are you talking to me?"
"Am I talking to you? Of course I'm talking to you boy! Who else is there?"
The young man took a quick glance around at the thousands of people surrounding him.
"Not the pointiest hat in the closet eh? Well that's alright, I'm sure we'll get along just fine anyways. Now tell me, boy, what is your name?"
"Alex. Why can't I see you?"
"Because you must look at me first dear boy!" Alex looked left and right. He then looked down and up. Why he looked up is unclear as, in looking down, he had already discovered the owner of the paradoxical voice. A little opening had appeared at he base of the castle and there now stood before Alex what he could only suppose was a very little wizard. He supposed this because the tiny man was draped with rich dark green robes that seemed, on further inspection, to be sewn of very tiny ivy leaves. His tall, pointed, broad-brimmed hat was a shade or two lighter then the robe and was of a slightly fuzzy material, similar to cotton. Under the hat was a grandfatherly face wrapped in bright red curls and sporting a thick red beard which extended over a rounded belly all the way down to a simple brown leather belt which held closed his robes. A gnarled wooden staff which he held but did not support himself on and a long, thin stemmed pipe on which he puffed lazily served to confirm the impression.
"And now you can see me yes?" Alex nodded affirmative. "Ha ha! Excellent! Now come with me!" the little wizard waved and turned to enter the sand castle but stopped when he saw that the boy did not seem to be coming with him.
"Are you serious?"
"Of course Alex! My castle is your castle!" he turned again toward the door but saw that the boy still made no move to follow. "Why do you stand there so still boy? Come into my home!"
"I'm, uh, not sure your home is big enough for me." He felt it a valid point considering that the door through which he was seemingly supposed to enter would not have fit his shoe.
"Well do you want to come into my home?"
"Yes." Alex responded after only a small pause.
"Well then of course it is!" and suddenly, with not a flash of light, not a quick sharp whistle, not even a small puff of smoke, Alex found himself standing in what he could only suppose was the sand castle. He could only suppose this because it didn't really make very much sense and, further, the room he was in looked nothing at all like a sand castle.
User Reviews
Submitted by LisaD (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-04-29 15:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-02-20 08:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great storyline. i'm interested to read more.
I agree that the intro was hard to get through. It seems necessary to contrast the boy's seclusion like you said, but maybe it could be a little shorter. I found that it reads slowly considering the action going on in the scene. Maybe more concise descriptions would speed it up.
Going to read part 2...
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-13 22:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The long intro was intended to contrast all the people laughing and playing on the beach with the boy who was just walking idly by himself not paying attention to any of it. And fear not intrepid reader, there will be no bully who kicks the castle in or anything so mundane as that.
In regards to the then/than comment, thank you very much. This is very helpful. I've always been aware that the two are different, and vaguely aware of how they are different, but have never really bothered trying to keep up with it in my papers. By which I mean, if I notice it on the spot I'll use the right word, but its not the sort of thing I pick up when I'm proof reading. You are right to point it out though for the error that it is.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-02-13 21:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the story. However, something pulled me out of it no less THAN eight times:
You consistently write 'then' when you mean THAN!
Try this:
....................................................
Many people use than when they mean then, and vice versa.
Than, a conjunction, is used to compare things.
Then, an adverb, is used with descriptions of time.
• Then, suddenly, Mr. Perez shouted, "I'm a better diver than you'll ever be!"
• I think she looks dangerously skinny, but then, what do I know?
...............................
I'm not trying to be rude, but please give it a try...
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-02-13 13:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got kind of bored with the opening. I know you're trying to set the scene, but you're over-descriptive and I ended up skipping ahead to the dialogue. But this is a good start. If this ends with a big beach bully destroying the castle, I will be disappointed.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-02-13 11:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very descriptive, well done.
It reads like an old English novel.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-13 10:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the beginning of a long short story I'm attempting to write; I'm aiming for it to be around 50-60 pages when I'm through. That's a lot longer then anything I've written so far but I want to give it a shot. So far I'm 11 pages in (MSWord, double spaced), what you see here represents a little less then half of that. Specific criticism is encouraged (ie: while -2DIE may sum up your feelings well, try to be a little more verbose then that. For example, perhaps explain which part of the story led you to the conclusion that I should die?)