My Mum offers everyone Tea and Whiskey... (963 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.88 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JulsInsane <julsinsane.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-02-13 13:36:04 EST
I was listening to a Margaret Cho clip where she says "having foreign parents is like living in two different worlds, you spend all day in America and then you go home to a very different foreign land"... when I realized no truer words have ever been spoken. She goes on to say that she never had any tape in her house because her Mum would always tell her she could take rice and make it sticky so she wouldn't need tape.
We never had school supplies in my house, which is not to say I went to school without paper and pencil to fill my adolescent mind with facts and figures I cannot now recall, but it was just different. For as long as I can remember my house has never had a pencil sharpener, why would you want to buy one of them when your Da can lovingly carve a point on your pencil with a Stanley knife at the kitchen table? Those pencils were never emblazoned with the sparkles or characters that everyone else's seemed to sport, my school supplies served as a walking advertisement for whatever materials company my Da was using at the moment. Fastening sheets of paper together for reports became a lesson in origami, shouting matches erupting because "why couldn't they just be normal and keep normal shit in the house like everyone else's parents?" As often as I asked that question my parents never seemed to understand the subtly of the differences between them and my classmates white bread middle class existence. None of this is to say that we were poor, actually far from it at several points since our move to the US, our financial situation would vacillate wildly from spending sprees at Macy's for our Easter outfits and little gold crosses to driving side roads slowly as to avoid getting pulled over because the family car had no insurance and the license plates were turned into the DMV. When I look around my parent's house, the one they managed to save from bankruptcy and came close to loosing everything else, very little has changed. My father has built himself a bit of a "man sanctuary" in the basement, built in soffit and blocking to fit his 52" flat panel television, full stocked bar with alcohol he can no longer drink, and not a stick of furniture in sight. This room has become his pride and joy; though I have never seen him actually go down to hang out there. All the work he put into renovating that basement for himself and he couldn't take the time to change out a speedy valve in the kitchen sink, the same sink that froze last week due to the low temps and busted the valve flooding the entire basement.
Thanksgiving Day my family was away in London visiting some family and friends, I had a close friend from college over for dinner, another stopped in shortly after. Sitting around my parent's living room, Stella bottles in hand, my dog comatose in the corner as he had gorged himself on leftovers the subject of parents came up. His father was from Croatia and we started flinging war stories back and forth from our youth. I met his "my father passed out in the driveway with the Christmas money 2 days before Christmas and lost it" with my "mine left me in a truck in the Bronx on a Friday night when I was 17 for 4 hours to get drunk in a bar, and by the time we got home I was so upset because he was drunkenly yelling at me that as soon as I walked in the door my Mum hurled a tea kettle at his head". It was only shortly later when our laughter had died down that I noticed my friend pale faced in her chair seemed completely shocked and upset. A while later when we were alone she quietly told me she had not known it was so bad for me when I was younger, I was completely flabbergasted. Bad? What was bad about having a Da who in his hay day could party like a rock star, and had the ballsy sense of humor to challenge any of my male friends to any match of strength of muscle or kidney function?
The foreign country that I go home to isn't that different from the one I live in during the day. We do have our culinary oddities as a nice chip sambo with loads of Kerry Gold and Chef's Sauce will never go awry for tea. Explaining things to my parents like the meaning of "chicken head, poon, and rimjob" seems to be an everyday occurrence in my house. Despite my mother's throaty smoker's cackle in response to my stilted and awkward explanations nary a Sunday goes by when you can't find her in the 8th pew from the back at 10:30am service, Gran's rosary in hand rubbing the beads as if the holiness of them is going to seep into the ridges in her fingertips. This pious woman can be found on a Friday night 2 glasses of Red wine down, explaining to me the importance of sexuality within a romantic relationship, don't worry she uses examples galore. She still has moments where she thinks that a "proper dinner and a cuppa tea" is what would really set my health problems right.
Most days I feel like an American since I have reached adulthood, my accent is minimal and usually is only detectable when I have a few drinks in me or feel very comfortable with whom I am talking to. Occasionally I get questioned as to the meaning of a phrase, or a statement is parroted back at me with an exaggerated accent, an activity that is usually met with acts of violence. Though it's not my accent nor my culinary tastes that make me feel most set apart, it's the silence, the lack of contempt for our parent's mistakes. Only now that I have gotten older have I really realized the gravity of two 21 year olds getting married and having a child without a pot to piss in or an education beyond 16 years old between the two of them. They managed, though there are a few scars to show for it, a few of my own as well.
User Reviews
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-03-26 08:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-03-26 08:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-03-26 07:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a great writer.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-02-14 23:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:40:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
FAHR FOOK'S SEK!!!!
How many times must I tell you to lay off of me magically delicious breakfast food?
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You are a fucking dead man
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FAHR FOOK'S SEK!!!!
How many times must I tell you to lay off of me magically delicious breakfast food?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-14 08:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hmmm... seems this was good but I just missed that.
My bad.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-02-14 08:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-02-13 21:44:15 (#)
Ranking: -2
You have no idea... other pet peevs include asking if I like Lucky Charms, Irish Spring Soap, telling me that thier greatgrand uncle on their mother's side is from County so and so, shamrocks in general, Irish Americans, the Notre Dame logo, Corned Beef and Cabbage (we don't have corned beef in Ireland), and anything with green sparkles on Paddy's Day
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ya know i've never managed to even wear green on st paddy's let alone green AND sparkly.
that's going on my check list now.
corned beef is good, cabbage is shit, but either way i think they're both jewish or something.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-02-14 07:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You said galore. I haven't heard that phrase actually used in a dogs age. Awesome.
To be sure, to be sure.
Sorry.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-02-13 21:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:07:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mom threw a tea kettle at his head. Did she hit?
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She caught him right above the eyebrow, I don't think he noticed. He was far more concerned about the door closing in his face and her voice yelling through the door that he "could find a place to sleep in the truck like the fucking bogger tinker that he is"
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-13 18:30:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
great stuff.
don't you hate it when people repeat what you have said with an exaggerated accent?
The other day I asked for an envelope.
Hilarity ensued.
Until I knifed her dead in her cubicle.
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You have no idea... other pet peevs include asking if I like Lucky Charms, Irish Spring Soap, telling me that thier greatgrand uncle on their mother's side is from County so and so, shamrocks in general, Irish Americans, the Notre Dame logo, Corned Beef and Cabbage (we don't have corned beef in Ireland), and anything with green sparkles on Paddy's Day.
******************
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-13 19:51:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this.
I think I'd like to meet you...
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Honestly you wouldn't, I'm a madwoman in real life just ask Noonie.
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Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-02-13 19:48:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
So when do I get to meet you?
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When people from Mass. stop driving like they are from Mass, and as soon as you are done wrestling that poor kid trapped in your apartment. :-P
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-13 19:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd like to fuck her too
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-13 19:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this.
I think I'd like to meet you...
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-02-13 19:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So when do I get to meet you?
...or meat you?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-13 18:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I marry your mum?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-13 18:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great stuff.
don't you hate it when people repeat what you have said with an exaggerated accent?
The other day I asked for an envelope.
Hilarity ensued.
Until I knifed her dead in her cubicle.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-13 18:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like families and tea and whiskey.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-02-13 17:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-13 17:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love having alcoholic parents
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-02-13 16:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't read all that so I'm taking a flyer on the 0 (worth reading)- but I definitely want whatever your mom's offering.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-13 15:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a 'Da' as well.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok then.
Needs more returns.
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell her to JUMP!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX9qcggRo18
Hey Noonie is this Easter chick hot? If so, I'll do her at the house too.
Submitted by Manitou (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:29:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaha.
did i ever tell you that you're awesome?
also I WANNA DO EASTER AT YOUR HOUSE!!!
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad sounds cool.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is exactly what I thought
While you were 17. Not seeing a problem.
Alone in a truck. Is that all?
For four hours. Seems boring, but you could have slept through it.
In the bronx. What, do you think "the blacks" are going to steal the truck and rape you?
He got drunk without you. Selfish bastard.
Your mom threw a tea kettle at his head. Did she hit?
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-02-13 14:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so this is what makes juls sucha hardass. hardass in a good way sweet cheeks. jesus thats like 3 ass comments in a row. *claps*
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-13 13:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2007-02-13 13:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very interesting.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-02-13 13:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment