Women - They are never perfect (1212 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.35 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pumper of Tarts (View user info) at 2007-02-14 11:59:32 EST
My girlfriend is the best. Thats my view of her I know most would say theirs is but hey.
Shes beautiful. Shes half english, half Italian, shes a size 10 and has 32G tits. She has long brunette hair, a pretty face and one of those pert arses that stick out. You know the ones... she is ace in bed, loves being handcuffed and in the words of Biggie Smalls 'she suck a mean dick'. She also put up with me leaving her for 6 months.
She just has that one flaw. She has no common sense whatsoever. She has no clue on current affairs, politics and geography. She is quite intelligent, I think she would get a reasonable score in a I.Q test but general knowledge is her downfall. I'll give you some examples:
She told me the other day she has a friend who 'has an iron lung'. I laughed and said 'Oh he must be able to smoke a lot of weed?'. 'No he's actually got an iron lung'.
I tried to explain how this is not possible which she constantly wouldnt agree with and then one of her mates piped up adding 'Well I know someone with no lungs'.
I told her my friend was in hospital having an operation and she asked what operation he was having. I said (for a joke) 'a strapadictomy' (Get it? Strap-a-dick-to-me?) to which she said 'Ow that sounds painful'.
We were watching a sub show of the famous Big Brother - Big Brothers Big Mouth - and they have a phone line where people ring in and leave comments. The callers name runs across the bottom of the screen, first one being Craig from Portsmouth, second being Anne from Slough. The third one was 'Anon' and my girlfriend said 'That Anon person rings in all the time'.
She thought 'obese' was actually spelt 'abeast'.
I asked her the capital of Australia to which she replied 'Dundee'. (NB: She did correct herself immediatly after.)
In London we drove past a Lebonese restaurant. She asked what is Lebanese? I replied 'A restaurant that serves Lebanese food'. A blank look came over her for a few seconds and she said 'Lebanese? That isnt a country.'
The 'Daily Star' is a tacky newspaper in England with tits and lies in it. Noticed its called 'Daily' Star. My beautiful girlfriend asked if 'comes everyday?'. I pissed myself laughing and explained thats why its called the Daily Star. 'Wow' she said ' didnt think there would be enough news to fill the whole paper...'
She once told me you have to shave your head when you go to prison.
We were playing 'Guess the Celebrity', you have 20 questions to guess. On about her 3rd question she asked if the celebrity was under 30? 'No' I told her. 'Well....is her over 30?'
My girlfriend is the brunette on the picture and I wish her a very, very, very Happy Valentines Day.
User Reviews
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-02-16 09:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I mean it is a great idea and all. Posting a picture of your girlfriend on-line to try and impress random internet people. But you should have cited the original "show off your girlfriend" post.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/12043
Too bad his chick is so much better than yours (and might be legal now).
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
more like a half-way house for ex cons.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and violent probably
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
council housed?
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you'd like to believe that wouldn't you, horsefucker?
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither has fucking girls you virgin
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wouldn't know. fucking animals has never interested me.
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:27:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jealousy is a motherfucker.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why has the picture been stretched?
did you buy her a bit for her horse teeth? she's got the face to match.
the brunette should be kept in a stable and the blonde in a kennel.
also, teach the tramp to spell, cos the magnets on the refrigerator aren't helping.
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2007-02-16 07:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I cant believe I loads of people who dont have girlfriends are telling me how big my girlfriends tits are!
I have seen the size with my own eyes you lonely wankers. The girl next to her is 32DD I think.
Also, I dont have photoshop, I used paint to reduce the size of the photo and I have a 5 second window at work when no-one is watching to do it. Is that OK?
Size 5 and 6?? What the fuck is that? Size 10 is perfect. There is a lapdancing club round the corner from my house called 'Perfect 10's' and thats why. Size 10 would be bigger in America because everyone is fat.
And anyone who said she isnt fuckable....stop wanking over internet porn and post a picture of your girlfriend, if youve got one. Im guessing most people who reviewed this with a negative dont?
And blow up girlfriends dont count.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-02-15 15:39:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
are you white trash?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-02-15 11:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know man, she is stupid, and you dislike her appearance so much you have to photo shop it before you put it on uber.
Might be time to re-think this relationship.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-14 18:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
valebtine !! woot !!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-02-14 18:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, judging by what you're saying, I don't know that your girl will be winning any IQ contests. Ever.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-14 18:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If your chick actually had the g size tits and nice ass the you would want her to be stupid, as it she looks barely fuckable
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yea looks like a B maybe even. Clearly the blond is fairly petite and has roughly the same size tits...
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:30:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't even know if that's a D... MAYBE a C if she's got some kind of reducer bra on...
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't even know if that's a D... MAYBE a C if she's got some kind of reducer bra on...
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh yea... a few more pointers...
#1.) Your girlfriend does not have G tits. Almost nobody has G tits. If she had G tits they would be nasty - gravity does awful things to tits that big - they're quite disgusting. She doesn't even have D tits probably. C would be believable and a nice size too.
#2.) Size 10 (even in the british) while possibly servicable on some girls is nothing to brag about. Really hot chicks are size 0 to maybe 5 or 6. If they are freakishly tall that number could stretch a bit but your girlfriend isn't freakishly tall. And yes I know the British 10 is a little smaller than the US - the point stands, this is not a bragging point.
#3.) More of a question really - does your girlfriend know that you are posting her picture on the internet telling the whole world how dumb she is? Also that you modified her picture in such a way that indicates to the whole world that you think she is fat? Would she still be your girlfriend if she knew all that? If you said yes well you basically hit the nail on the head with the dumb part anyawy.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHAHA.... HAHAHHAHAHHAHA..... HAHAHAHHAHAHA...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98776
Seriously though dude if you're going to do shit like that learn a few things.
#1: The 96% percent rule - kind of a rule of thumb in photoshop. If you are going to shrink the width of your photo generally you can't shrink it to more than 96% of the original without it becoming visually obvious. Also you better crop the photo a little bit so that both dimensions are an uneaven number otherwise the file dimensions will be a dead giveaway i.e. 640x480 becomes 640x461 and it's obvious what you did - if you cropped a little off the top say 627 x 461 isn't so immediately obvious.
#2: The belly of a pregnant girl protrudes out in front. Shrink the images width isn't going to fix that if she's facing the camera at that angle. Also she better not be very pregnant if you intend to correct for it with only 4%.
#3 Just learn photoshop in general. You could make these bitches look really hot and then all the internet losers you're trying to impress here would be really jealous. See the bottom photo here for an example of well executed photoshopping skills: http://www.ubersite.com/m/98091
Better luck next time LOL.
If it's any consolation if I was drunk I would probably still do her but I'd regret it in the morning...
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You open with sweet, but quickly degenerate into crap. As could be expected, from your moniker.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-02-14 16:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you meant to hit B not G didn't you? seriously. learn to touch type.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-14 15:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You probably could have found a better picture. Or one with her in a different shirt.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-02-14 15:55:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
seems alright to me.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-14 14:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that gap tooth bitch has had me smiling for a few minutes. +2 for that.
sorry your girlfriend is retarded.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-02-14 14:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:48:32 (#)
You need to learn about cup size. Never heard of anyone who had G-sized breasts, and if so they probably weighed over 800 pounds or were one of these ridiculous porn stars. Even girls with monstruous boobs don't get much further than E.
Your gf looks like a C or D.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Thank god that isn't true. I've actually purchased bras bigger than E, although most US companies don't make an "E" size, they tend to go DD/DDD/F. The UK and various European countries have slightly different systems so a 36F in the US is usually a 36G in the UK, and a 95G or even H in France.
And if I had to guess about the brunette in the pic, I'd have to go with "fugly".
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-14 14:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bad news, your girlfriend is a dumbass. It must therefore be concluded that you are also a dumbass. In light of this conclusion I must ask you to die.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:59:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So it's not just Americans that are dumbfucks.
In fact, I read an article the other day where 1 in 3 women in the UK believe that if they jump up and down after sex, they're no longer at risk for pregnancy.
Your old lady is kinda pretty, but she's got a head full of rocks, dude.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh dear
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nevermind, when the picture is not shrunk they look like C's.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98776
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Unless she is over 5"6' (hard to tell witht he lousy british appliances in the background) those look like solid B's to me, but it could be the shirt.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:17:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
32G is breast size or cup size. 32 is the size of 'around' I suppose and G is the cup with 'A' being the smallest.
So yeh, G = FUCKING MASSIVE
===
You need to learn about cup size. Never heard of anyone who had G-sized breasts, and if so they probably weighed over 800 pounds or were one of these ridiculous porn stars. Even girls with monstruous boobs don't get much further than E.
Your gf looks like a C or D.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahem...speaking as the resident lingerie expert of Ubersite, I can assure you that the brunette in the picture does not have 32G size breasts.
If she did, they would be approximately the same size as her head.
In addition, that would imply that she had a 24-inch ribcage.
The letters 'C' and 'G' are rather similar, perhaps you take a closer look at her bra the next time you have a wank with it...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-02-14 13:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:17:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
32G is breast size or cup size. 32 is the size of 'around' I suppose and G is the cup with 'A' being the smallest.
So yeh, G = FUCKING MASSIVE
-----------------
Those don't look massive.
they don't even look big.
Do you have nay pictures that aren't streched out to cover up whatever is wrong with her?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
G must be the equivalent of like a B or a C in your neck of the woods. Stateside, G's are superhumanly large; almost to anime proportions.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Person in need of geography lessons below
Submitted by Manitou (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Generally unfunny Frenchman being funny below.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I SEE WHITE TRASH PEOPLE
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
32G is breast size or cup size. 32 is the size of 'around' I suppose and G is the cup with 'A' being the smallest.
So yeh, G = FUCKING MASSIVE
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shes not as pretty as i had thought she might be
32G must be some bassackwards british size
and i hate the word 'arse'
otherwise, the post was ok
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. This would be very embarrassing for her if she knew. Poor thing. Flog thyself.
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:07:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
Wow, I hope she doesn't read this post on Valentines day.
-------------------------------------
I used words she hasnt figured out yet.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Wow, I hope she doesn't read this post on Valentines day.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-02-14 12:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh boy.
Your girlfriend is about to get reamed.