Ubertines 07 - The Adventures of Troglomakkadon the Gnome - Gnomes vs. The Leprechauns (367 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fungah (View user info) at 2007-02-15 09:59:59 EST
This is a story about loss, a broken family, the failure of the American dream, the determination to do what's right, and above all the world-changing power of love.
This was the day of the cycle for Gnometon, the day of the great contest was at hand. The populous of Gnometon who were, as you dear reader may have guessed, gnomes of a very diminutive stature emerged from their gnome-shanties. The gnomes brushed sleep away from their beady little gnome eyes from underneath their conical gnome-hats and jaunted along merrily towards the center of Gnometon. The gnomes sang jolly gnome songs, and the gnomes skipped along arm in arm towards the center of town. The gnomes were eager to celebrate their great holiday.
To commence the festivities, the great gnome leader Troglomakkadon stood upon a stage made of toothpicks and cotton lint, and with a wave of his arm a great hush fell over the collected gnome-crowd.
"A hey, and a ho-how are ya all, I'd like to wishing ask." He proclaimed. The gnomes all cheered, several gnomes in the crowd kissed, today was truly a beautiful day, and the gnomes were overjoyed.
"Today", Troglomakkadon continued, "As I'm sure you all know, is the day of the great contest a-don't-you know know." The crowd roared; they were hanging on his every word. "As you all know-a-know I like to keep-keep things short and like, so without further ado I present to you this years harvest of gnomeahol!"
There was a great clashing of symbols and the banging of large gnome drums. Soldier gnomes stood by these great wooden drums, made by many hours of precious gnome labour and covered with stretched animal skin. A great curtain was lifted beside the stage, and around the crowd great handfuls of saltpeter were tossed onto gnome-torches. They erupted in blazes of bright blue light, the colour of brand new balloons. The curtain fell and before the gnomes was a large glass cylinder. A label was plastered on the cylinder which none of the gnomes could read, though they all recognized the sideways drawing of the beast.
"Hail to the gobbletron" The collected gnomes chanted. Indeed, the gnomes stared with wonder at this great, mythological beast, its tail was adorned with vibrant plumage and a huge gnome-scroteum, the holiest of gnome body parts, hung from its neck.
The gnomes all gathered 'round the spout that had been affixed to the front of the great gnomeahol storage container, which, at the flick of the bottle-keeper gnome's wrist, dispensed gnomeahol in vast quantities.
"Let us not forget" Said Troglomakkadon as the gnomes merrily lined up for their first drink "The many bothans - errr... bothgnomes that died to bring us this gift. I think I may have had a bit too much gnomeahol already today-day." Said the gnome leader chuckling. The crowd laughed good-naturedly at this, surely Troglomakkadon was their leader, and truly he was just, kind, vengeful, and a funny drunk. He was the perfect example for gnome-kind to follow.
"I know you all want to start celebrating, so I'll get off the stage now and let the beatles perform some new music they've all been working on." Troglomakkadon stumbled away, and collapsed stage left, vomiting profusely. Large beatles, ropes driven through their thorax's were pulled on stage, where they immediately began performing the gnomes' favourite music, their mating song.
The gnomes drank deeply of the gnomeahol until late afternoon. The sun crested high above their shanty-town, hidden deep within the brown thicket created by a rusting ford 1947 mercury. (Eh Orgasmatron? Eh, eh?)
And then, when the entirety of Gnometon were right and properly in the bag, Troglomakkadon said to them:
"My fellow gnomes, the time of celebration is nigh!" A hush fell over the drunken crowd, and the projectile vomiting of many gnomes in the back could be heard. "We're going to get those conning leprechauns good this year, don't ya know-know!"
The gnomes all cheered, and banners were unfurled. Four hundred gnomes in four hundred bright red gnome hats, and four hundred bright yellow gnome vests, and three hundred gnome banners marched out from the center of Gnometon and past the rust carbeurator that marked the end of their glorious nation dragging behind them on ropes of twine the holy vessel of the gnome god.
There was excitement in the air as the gnomes made the long trek through the forest of dandelions, past the sea of grass, and around the oil-stain of despair. There, past the oil-stain of despair was the leprechaun's lair, cut into the sun-yellowed side of a plastic children's Powerwheels.
"Pow, pow, powerwheels, Kawasaki ninjas rule!" Shouted Troglomakkadon, repeating as was his duty the traditional challenge.
"Going downtown going to get ourselves a mercury!" Replied the leprechaun leader Charms. Charms, the leprechaun chief emerged with a loyal cadre of leprechaun warriors, the rest of their populace spilled out behind him. Charms was followed closely by his brother and assistant-chief Unlucky, who was known to be the most tragic and ironic of the leprechauns.
Troglomakkadon approached Charms and Unlucky alone, while the rest of his people struggled to stand upright with grim anticipation.
"Is it on?" Said Charms.
"Yeah, yeah is it on?" Said Unlucky.
"Oh it's on" Said Troglomakkadon. "Uzblekabarfingtron, bring on the smooth, sensual baritone of our great and mighty god, Barry White, and let us do battle!"
Uzblekabarfingtron did as he was told, leaping with force on the play button of the holy vessel, bearer of their god: the all powerful Barry white. His voice blasted from the cassette player, making the leprechauns jump back in terror.
"Hear the voice of our god and know fear infidels!" Screamed Troglomakkadon.
"Klaus!" Screamed Charms.
"Yes heir commissar?" Replied Klaus.
"Unleash the Osmonds."
Klaus did as he was told, and soon, from somewhere within the ancient powerwheels came the shriek of the evil, gods of the pagan leprechauns.
Battle was quickly joined. The gnomes and leprechauns all lined up, and made really, really silly faces at each other. The silliness was so great in fact, many of the gnomes and the leprechauns died of cerebral hemmhoraging and many more were sent back to their homes with date-rape psychosis.
Finally, after hours, when the sun had set, the silly faces stopped, and both armies were still. Crickets were whirring in the great forest of grass around them, and the two sides stood united as one for the coming of this year's supply of what would become either gnomeahol or Leprehal.
"Whuutt the fuckk's goin awn out thaire!?" Screamed a disembodied voice. The bringer of the hals was cruel and vengeful. The ground shook with his approach. He stood now, above the diminutive mythological creatures, swaggering, his rounded stomach barely covered by a piece of white cloth, stained yellow and brown by his might. In his hand he clutched the sacred bottle, the battle would now truly begin as the leprechauns would try and stop the lesser armed, but far more cunning gnomes from taking this bottle as they did every year. Both sides were in awe at the sight gobbletron on the side of the holy vessel of hal. The voice of a harpy screeched in the distance.
"God damnit Mawtha, shut the fuck up before I come in there and throw another Dale Earnhardt plate at you. What!? What'sh that!? That'sh it bitch, it'sh Jeff Gordon this time, kid'sh college fund be damned!"
The ground shook with the force of three passing dogs as the bringer of the hal left to retreat to his chaotic realm. The bottle, mostly full, crashed to the ground unscathed. The battle began.
"Look, over there." Said Troglomakkadon
"Where?" Said the leprechauns in unision, turning away from the bottle.
"It's a bear." Said Marshmallow, head confectionary chef of the leprechaun people.
"No, no" Said Trix, defender of the kingdom from rabbits. "It's a flux capacitor."
"You're both idiots", said Charms "It's a uterus. See, there's the fire-breathing hole, and that that there is the oil-pan, and that's where you put the money in."
The leprechauns all sighed in revelation. What they were staring at was, in fact, nothing. Troglomakkadon had once again fooled the leprechauns by taking advantage of their legendary gullability and had obtained their hol.
While the leprechauns stood transfixed by the nonexistent uterus' fan blades, the gnomes who were left standing giggled and stole off into the night, rolling home the supplies in anticipation of next year's Valentine's Day.
User Reviews
Submitted by Feety (user info) at 2007-02-21 12:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hi mr fungah. you won!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98984
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-20 21:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyway, Uber needs you.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-20 21:33:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"oil stain of despair" and "that's where you put the money in.." Gold.
Where's the love? Besides the hol, I mean?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-16 01:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh?
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was, um, it was, uh... something.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2007-02-15 17:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post kicks all major sorts of ass.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-15 17:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid gnomaholic
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-02-15 17:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
REVIEW THIS.
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-02-15 13:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-02-15 11:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FEAR MY MIGHTY BOVINE AQUEDUCTS.
HOW THEY RUN WITH WATER.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-02-15 11:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I AM THE LORD OF COWS.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2007-02-15 11:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, so. Let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find that we have
very little in common.
-- Homer Simpson
The Last Temptation of Homer
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-02-15 11:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
gtrsrerew
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-02-15 10:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.