Why you shouldn’t eat Mexican food right before losing your virginity (1703 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by St_Jimmy (View user info) at 2007-02-15 22:51:20 EST
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 16 years old and a junior in high school. For me, high school was the life. I had a job, but it was just a part-time gig to put money in my pocket. I had no real responsibilities, no bills to pay, and I wasn't legally responsible for most of my actions. Life was good.
Well, it wasn't really that good. You see, when I was in high school, sex was a really big deal. It's not like when you're an adult. When you're an adult, if you meet someone you really really like, you go to the nearest convenient spot, shag each other rotten, and part ways never to see the other again. If you meet someone you kinda like, you date for a few weeks, have sex eventually, get married, have kids, and get divorced. Lather, rinse, repeat. Point being, sex in the adult world is really no big deal.
But in my high school, it was different. Most kids had never had sex, so conventional rules of waiting did not apply. At least, that was how it was with me and my girlfriend. We'll call her Julie. At the time, I'd had sex a few times before, but Julie hadn't and she "wanted to wait". That was all well and good for a while, but after six months I started to grow impatient. So, I began pressuring her. No, wait, that makes me sound like an asshole. Let me rephrase. I began trying to convince her how wonderful sex would be for the both of us. This went on for about a month with no results.
I don't understand girls now and I didn't understand them then either. Out of the blue, one day at lunch, Julie pulls me aside.
"I think we should have sex."
"Hell yeah! Let's go, I'm parked out back!"
"No, no. Not right now. You're going to take me to a nice romantic dinner tonight and then after..."
Yes! Finally! All I had to do was buy her dinner and I was in like Flynn. Now, when asked to choose a romantic restaurant, most people would not have taken Julie to Mexicali-Locos, but I was just a kid and 16 year old Julie was not hard to impress. Besides, Mexicali-Locos had a few things going for it. It was one of those Mexican restaurants that was very fast. Most of the time they gave you your food before you were finished ordering it. That coupled with the fact that the legal drinking age in the U.S. is 45 ensured that dinner would not be a prolonged affair.
At the end of dinner, the question of where we were going to do "it" came up. I thought I'd be considerate and offer to get a hotel room, but Julie had other ideas.
"No, let's do it in your car. It's where we had our first kiss. It'll be romantic."
Bonus! I didn't have to spring for a hotel room. So we drove off to a nearby secluded parking deck and moved into the back seat.
All went well for a while. It was a bit cramped, but we managed. I'm pretty sure the guy who designed the backseat of the 1985 Pontiac Sunbird was not thinking about 16 year olds having sex while he was dimensioning.
The big moment finally arrives. I slap on my trusty wallet Trojan and start plowing away. Now I mentioned before that I'd had sex prior to this experience. In fact, I'd had sex three times before, for a combined total sexual experience of approximately 28 seconds. Yes, at 16, I was very quick. Don't blink, you might miss it.
But this time it was different. I was chugging along like those guys in the movies and beneath me; Julie was making noises, pleasurable noises. I couldn't believe it. Here I was pleasuring rather than disappointing a woman. Awesome! Wait a minute. Is that?
"Oh yes! Right there!"
Oh my, is she gonna...
"Oh god yes! God yes!"
Holy shit! I think she is! I rule!
"Yes! Yes! Yes! Ahhhhhhhhh..."
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
To this day, I have never heard a noise that loud come out of any living human being, let alone a 16 year old girl. The power behind that gaseous colonic emission seemed to shake the whole car. I think it may have even cracked the rear window. The pressure wave sent forth from her sphincter even kinda knocked the wind out of me a little.
Now, to a 16 year old boy, farts are probably the funniest thing in the world. The louder, the funnier. A fart so loud it causes short term hearing loss coming out of a girl would qualify as the funniest thing to have ever existed.
So I laughed, hysterically, uncontrollably, for a very long time. I didn't even care about getting mine. I was crying. I could barely breathe. It was all I could do to climb back into the front seat to roll down a window to exhaust the odor of death and refried beans which accompanied her anal outburst. Yes, there would be no more sex that evening.
I have to believe that her first time ended up meaning so much more to me than it did to her.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-15 09:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. i was entertained, not sure how i missed this the first time.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-12 11:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ritzcrackerjax (user info) at 2007-02-27 17:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like stories like these that paint a visual picture and make me laugh out loud. Kick ass story.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-27 16:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wanker who posts worthless shit says: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99186#2328936 FUCK OFF FAGGOT
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2007-02-26 14:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-02-18 12:06:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-02-16 14:14:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:14:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
that was funny, farts will never stop being funny.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-02-21 11:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-02-18 12:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-02-16 14:14:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:14:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
that was funny, farts will never stop being funny.
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-02-16 17:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest. visual. ever!
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-02-16 17:13:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I farted once, while on the business end of a blow job. Not a real ripper, just a silent cheek sneaker that I successfully blamed on her sleeping cat at the end of the sofa. "
Damn that is funny.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-16 14:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The title should be "Why men shouldn't have sex with women..." or "Why you should only do a girl in the pooper..."
I jest, I jest, excellent post.
Seriously though... think about it.... that never would have happened if.....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-16 14:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
xcellent
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-02-16 14:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:14:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
that was funny, farts will never stop being funny.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-16 11:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pobz (user info) at 2007-02-16 11:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well that put a big old grin on my face and had to stiffle a guffaw at work! So +2
Submitted by Hagard (user info) at 2007-02-16 10:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-16 09:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-02-16 09:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice...
at least you were a gentleman and aired out the car.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2007-02-16 08:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is SO HOT.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-02-16 05:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's an experience for the ages.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-16 04:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you think about it, you had your balls farted on. Unlucky.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-16 04:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I farted once, while on the business end of a blow job. Not a real ripper, just a silent cheek sneaker that I successfully blamed on her sleeping cat at the end of the sofa.
Precious memories.......
Submitted by erickuhncool (user info) at 2007-02-16 03:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCK YEAH PEPE'S!!! SOCAL PRIDE!!!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2007-02-16 03:25:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Uberiffic.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-02-16 03:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-16 02:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mexican food? Dear lord.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-02-16 02:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, let's do it in your car. It's where we had our first kiss. It'll be romantic."
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Nothing says love like hot sex in the backseat of a Pontiac Sunbird.
Are you sure she didn't queef though? I hear they can sound similar.
Queef, fart...doesn't matter. This post was great.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-02-16 02:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man that is fucking outstanding, I really hope this is a true story
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-16 01:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha...I actually laughed a real laugh.
ps, we used to call it the 7-Second Club. In high school, of course.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2007-02-16 01:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-16 01:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-02-16 01:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-16 01:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
title+filename
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
title
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:53:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you can usually count on being surprised when you open up door #2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:46:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
I think it was Silvrwolf.
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That sounds right. I do not envy him. I mean, in one sense I do, but in a practical sense I don't.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:42:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:09:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad. Now if you can make a woman shit herself during sex...well then, son, I dare say you've beat the game.
_________________________
I seem to recall someone claiming that very feat on this website. While I agree, such a feat would be the ultimate victory, sex is simply a game I do not wish to beat.
I mean, once you've beaten sex, what else is there? I'm not in to climbing mountains.
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I think it was Silvrwolf.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:39:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
i wonder if you had've "accidentley" gone the wrong hole, her head wouldv'e exploded
_____________
Funniest comment I've seen in a while.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:09:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad. Now if you can make a woman shit herself during sex...well then, son, I dare say you've beat the game.
_________________________
I seem to recall someone claiming that very feat on this website. While I agree, such a feat would be the ultimate victory, sex is simply a game I do not wish to beat.
I mean, once you've beaten sex, what else is there? I'm not in to climbing mountains.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-02-16 00:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i wonder if you had've "accidentley" gone the wrong hole, her head wouldv'e exploded
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:31:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not suggesting that I've done this, simply that someone who does may not have that much more to look forward or aspire to.
It's a casual warning really. It'll save lives.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:23:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:09:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad. Now if you can make a woman shit herself during sex...well then, son, I dare say you've beat the game.
----------------------
faux pas my friend. Faux pas
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:20:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:09:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad. Now if you can make a woman shit herself during sex...well then, son, I dare say you've beat the game.
--------------------------
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was funny, farts will never stop being funny.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad. Now if you can make a woman shit herself during sex...well then, son, I dare say you've beat the game.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:09:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BRRRRAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPP
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2007-02-15 23:01:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was pretty funny, but I am in a shitty mood too, and it didn't impress me as much as it did BBob.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-15 22:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing.
I thought you were British.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-15 22:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I'm in a shitty mood, and was all set to -2 this with some bullshit excuse.
But I read it, and I laughed like an ass.