Pick Your Poison: SAVE ME, HELP HIM, Start a Nerdfight, or treat yourself to this not-at-all-sexually-threatening-cocktail.. (1302 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.35 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (View user info) at 2007-02-17 17:01:57 EST
I was just minding my own business this afternoon, lazily nursing a slight hangover while browsing Ubersite (I'm sorry- can't do the umlauts on my laptop keyboard). Now, the hangover is well deserved, and a small penance for the immensely enjoyable evening I spent amongst friends last night and well into this morning.
Tangent: I don't drink girlie drinks very often, and this might sound like a dubious claim, but trust me: Mix Ketel One, Godiva Liqueur, and champagne for a divinely-indulgent-but-not-too-sweet-or-complicated cocktail. They called it a Chocolate Bellini. I called it mmm. I followed it with some chimay, which was also tasty.
Anyway, back to this afternoon. I noticed a Lungfish post on the front page, and knew it was sure to bring a smile to face. (Oh, does anyone know where the scratch across my face came from? I'm not prone to public violence or blackouts, but yet, here it is in the mirror). So yes, lungfish and his darling daughter's MSPaint masterpiece- go check it out- kid's a genius and clearly a future uber user:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98860
In perusing the reviews, much to my dismay, I encountered a boy who seemed oddly unfamiliar with the proud Ubersite tradition of MSPaint. Now that's no crime, but what DID offend me was his username. So I told him so.
That's right, it was I who cast the first stone. He proceeded to imply he knew something about me, as a person:
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-17 13:04:39 (#)
Ranking: -2
What is the infatuation with MS Paint?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-17 13:11:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
What is the infatuation with desperately emo usernames circa 5 years ago, you obnoxious fuck?
This is better than anything I've ever done, artistically speaking.
_______________________
That is not saying much considering the person behind those words.
This confounded me- it is true that there are several of you good people who know quite a bit about me. But considering he'd only been a user for four days or something, I was curious about his ability to accurately consider me as a person. And said as much in my response:
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-17 14:08:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
...because a 3-day old user would know fuckall about "the person behind those words." OH NOES I've been PWND by a teenage virgin and/or alter unwilling to comment ubder his own account on the intarweb.
Yes. I was so distraught, used I misspelled "owned," and even "under." But I got through it. (Tazo Awake tea helped. OK, that's a lie. I haven't made any yet I really wish I had some right now.)
But I was in no way prepared for what would follow.
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-17 14:49:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
Let me clarify a few things
1. I am 23 and have been with and came in more women than you could in 5 lifetimes.
2. If we were to meet up in person I would ensure a few things, namely, a broken nose, ten broken fingers(they are very delicate, more than you might know), a prolonged stay in the hospital. Let us sum it up and say you would not be typing anytime soon and leave it at that. They may even one day post a picture of your mangled face and wisecrack on you.
This is where I realized a few things. First, as per usual, I'm accused of being a man. But more importantly, I was being threatened. By a n00b. A n00b who is most probably an alter, but I really hope he isn't because if he's built like Rad, or well, anyone who could crumple my 5'0 nothing frame, I'm pretty much dead. On the internet.
But then I stopped and thought a moment. What are this boy's motivations? What of his home life? Is this a desperate cry for help, and am I possibly hurting instead of helping? What if he cuts himself?
But then I thought, "THINK, SACRILICIOUS, THINK!" and acknowledged that my personal safety is not worth the risk of a few sympathetic moments toward a clearly deranged individual. Who lives in my computer.
Make of this what you will, Ubersite. This is your Saturday afternoon, and you might prefer a world without me. So you have a choice to make.
HELP ME!!!!!11 My Uberdaddy The Orgasmatron is UNAVAILABLE and I'm SCARED! PLEASE SEND FOR HELP AND CIRCLE THE WAGONS!
DEFEND MY DELICATE NOSE AND FINGERS FROM THE FURIOUS RAGE OF ..THIS BOY WITH THE SAD NAME!
PLEASE OUTLINE THE PROCESS BY WHICH I OBTAIN A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST A NOT REAL PERSON!
Or, just engage in some good old-fashioned uberhate. Toward me, toward "him", whatever. It's Saturday, and you're on Ubersite. You do the math.
But most importantly, JUST BE YOURSELF.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:07:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe I missed this one as well.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-02-21 12:03:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-21 00:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm about done with the plague of noobs which is now upon us. (SOOO sick of retal -2's)
sigh
I'll have to try a Chocolate Bellini.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-21 00:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh stuff
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
PLEASE OUTLINE THE PROCESS BY WHICH I OBTAIN A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST A NOT REAL PERSON!
----------------
I liked this.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-19 21:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheer up, Shlongy. Didn't the doctor give you some nice pills for that?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-19 20:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
AIM
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-19 20:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oop... little late, but you knows I got yer back. I was busy barfing out my usual wordy rhetoric all day to everyone's favorite ESL asshole.
<B
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know it sounds gross, Jonny, but was sooooooooo goooooooooooood..
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tangent: I don't drink girlie drinks very often, and this might sound like a dubious claim, but trust me: Mix Ketel One, Godiva Liqueur, and champagne for a divinely-indulgent-but-not-too-sweet-or-complicated cocktail. They called it a Chocolate Bellini. I called it mmm. I followed it with some chimay, which was also tasty.
----------
i'd be following that with some projectile vomit...good Lord
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-18 12:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love angry algebra.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-02-18 05:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once again, my dear - you rule all over my face...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-18 02:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Matt- What's more inciting on a Saturday on Uber? If he actually punched me in the face, he'd crumple my tongue which is firmly planted in my cheek.
Julie, will you be my big little sister? You're from LA, you probably roll with gangs sometimes, right?
Holly- glad to help. I also enjoy "DRATS! FOILED AGAIN!" from that guy on Mighty Mouse.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-02-18 01:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That kid is fagtastic, but it's pretty lame that you're all worked up over a review.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-18 01:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-02-17 19:08:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pay no attention to the DevestatedDipshit. He's just as stupid as EchoBoxing.
______
Pay no attention to buba2341. HE IS A FAGGOT DERKA DERKA
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-02-17 23:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-02-17 22:02:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-02-17 20:33:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I guess I know what's going on. You're only 5 feet tall? seriously? Aww Miss Licious, I'm almost a foot taller than you! Ok, not really but 9 inches taller. I would defend your honor but I don't want any of the virgin emo kid's pimple puss getting on me. Don't worry too much. surely he'll down a bottle of aspirin and slit his wrists for attention soon so he'll bleed out before he ever gets to you.
**************************
I'd take her offer. Julie will handle your problem like she handles all her own, which is to say she'll stab it. You should see her solve a math problem it's the angriest form of algebra ever!
--------------------------
AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2007-02-17 23:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am tickled by the fact that you said "circle the wagons," and cannot wait until I have the opportunity to use it in real life- because people will respect and admire me for being so funny and I will thank you in advance.... right now.
Thank you.
I have also been waiting for the right time to say "rats" (as in, darn or shoot), which I will have stolen from a co-worker who I actually do not intend to thank for reminding me of the phrase.
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2007-02-17 22:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't be sure you're a chick until you show me your no-no place.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-02-17 22:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-02-17 20:33:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I guess I know what's going on. You're only 5 feet tall? seriously? Aww Miss Licious, I'm almost a foot taller than you! Ok, not really but 9 inches taller. I would defend your honor but I don't want any of the virgin emo kid's pimple puss getting on me. Don't worry too much. surely he'll down a bottle of aspirin and slit his wrists for attention soon so he'll bleed out before he ever gets to you.
**************************
I'd take her offer. Julie will handle your problem like she handles all her own, which is to say she'll stab it. You should see her solve a math problem it's the angriest form of algebra ever!
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-02-17 20:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I guess I know what's going on. You're only 5 feet tall? seriously? Aww Miss Licious, I'm almost a foot taller than you! Ok, not really but 9 inches taller. I would defend your honor but I don't want any of the virgin emo kid's pimple puss getting on me. Don't worry too much. surely he'll down a bottle of aspirin and slit his wrists for attention soon so he'll bleed out before he ever gets to you.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-17 20:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:16:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:12:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
PS I'm in the middle of a 52-hr shift at work. Anything done to amuse me makes me happy at this point, weekend or not.
-------
Marry me?
============
ooh, that's one thing I'm not going to be doing again anytime soon.
How about we just have a reception (aka "party"?)
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-02-17 20:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
seriously now. come on, who cares.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2007-02-17 19:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost a -2 because of the insulting lack of an umlaut.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-17 19:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
x
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-02-17 19:15:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hell I'll protect ya if only cause I've yet to bone you and that just won't do.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-02-17 19:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pay no attention to the DevestatedDipshit. He's just as stupid as EchoBoxing.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't you have a This Man Saved Your Life post to review?
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you are so annoying
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
IF I DISSAPPEAR, THIS IS THE MAN WHO DID IT:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98869
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:12:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
PS I'm in the middle of a 52-hr shift at work. Anything done to amuse me makes me happy at this point, weekend or not.
-------
Marry me?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:12:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA YOU"LL NEVER COME IN AS MANY WOMEN AS HIM!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS I'm in the middle of a 52-hr shift at work. Anything done to amuse me makes me happy at this point, weekend or not.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA YOU"LL NEVER COME IN AS MANY WOMEN AS HIM!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Done, enjoy: http://www.ubersite.com/m/98868
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:57:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
"First, as per usual, I'm accused of being a man."
--------
I wouldn't feel too bad, Saccy. I have the word "girl" in my name and they all think I'm a tranny.
-----------
Not me.
<swoons some more>
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-17 18:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't afford hippie sammiches. shh.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"First, as per usual, I'm accused of being a man."
--------
I wouldn't feel too bad, Saccy. I have the word "girl" in my name and they all think I'm a tranny.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:52:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no, no broken box at all.
it was awesome.
the fun started after i opened it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:45:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Matty..I TOLD HIM IT NEEDED MORE TAPE.
IF the box broke, I swear..
I GOT INSURANCE
You are a winnar.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, i was over on your post, dude.
sorry.
in other news, this is the most i have ever ubered on a weekend day. i feel vaguely loser-ish. someone please come along and confirm this feeling for me, please. thanks.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:33:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-02-17 14:37:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, but how many wives are you going to end up with?
----
Let's see:
Currently: Lynn
Committed: LittleMonster, forensicgirl3
Undecided: Sacrilicious
Did not respond: Thorpe, Danger_Ranger, Anansie
More to come, I'm sure. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone.
-------
<frustrated, taps foot, waiting, apologizes to Scourge again>
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's Saturday, and you're on Ubersite. You do the math.
---
Desolate Misanthrope? I'm even trying to figure out if that makes sense.
Desolate: noun
1. barren or laid waste; devastated: a treeless, desolate landscape.
2. deprived or destitute of inhabitants; deserted; uninhabited.
3. solitary; lonely: a desolate place.
4. having the feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn.
5. dreary; dismal; gloomy: desolate prospects.
I guess he's using the 4th definition here, being the only one that could really apply to an individual,UNLESS he's using the proper noun version of "Misanthrope", and since a google search on Misanthrope leads to no known town, (i.e., Misanthrope, Tennessee) we can only naturally assume he means Misanthrope to be:
1. a hater of humankind.
Therefore, in conclusion, this user is by definition abandond by hope and friends and a hater of human kind. Still, there must be better language to clarify this. I think we should arrange some kind of contest to think of a new name that would be suited for this guy, like "lonely hater". HEY CONTEST OVER!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:37:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's sunday you spaz
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If he lays a finger on your fingers I will be fingering the holes I blast through his head.
I like that because I used finger in three different ways. In other news, I'm totally going to try that.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:30:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
ummm...excuse me?
i think you'll find that she was MY lishy long before she was anyone elses. and that includes the poet.
-----
True. I'm sorry.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is fucking disgusting valerie.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you're a girl?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine, fine. I'll mail you a used tampon. Unless you want to come here and extract one yourself to make sure I don't cheat.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:28:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been shopping. I bought some soup and some cheese. And stuff to make chili.
Don't fuck with my Sac, now.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where are my links you slimey greek?
you wonder why i don't trust you people.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
P.S. I demand a DNA test
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i spent a few minutes trying to come up with something witty or interesting to say.
i realized i'm not very witty or interesting, so i probably wouldn't be much help with this.
also, i still get mistaken for a man. on here. not in person. well not very often in person since i started growing my hair out.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"First, as per usual, I'm accused of being a man."
lol
Ignore him, he's just one in a long line of annoying unoriginal trolls.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no no, the mailman delivered. i have a story to tell you about that. email will arrive later tonight.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:17:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
reading this was an exercise in mental masturbation.
===
So then shouldn't you be thanking me?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, Matty.
Now please also kick the mailman's ass for me if he didn't you-know-what.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
reading this was an exercise in mental masturbation.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
okay, i went and took care of business
i'm sure he's left a trail of urine all the way to his moms lap, where he now cries.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-17 17:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe bret will crumple him for you.
i'm here because i finished all three books i'm reading, my boy is sleeping and my wife is out spending money.
or i'm a fat, pathetic, internet obsessed American loser. either way.
here, tell him I'LL kick his ass.