Ubertines '07: It itches when when it grows back. (554 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-02-19 09:12:41 EST
I have tried to hide it for years; but find it becoming more and more of a struggle. I want free of the burden that binds me. I need to be free and feel the fresh wind on my face as I step out with pride.
The problem is that there is a fear that grips me like being trapped in a net under water. I struggle to release myself but find that I just become more and more entwined. I struggle against the urge to breathe, but end up filling my lungs with salty water.
I know how wrong it is to feel this way in the modern world so I hide behind my façade to 'fit in'. I can feel it coming undone though. The mask, that I have worn since discovering what certain parts of my anatomy are for, is starting too look worn and tired. Cracks show through what was once a carefully created veneer.
So here it goes. I shall rip off the mask and the leather chaps and stand before you as my true self. Please don't pity me; I already know that my place in hell is already booked and being kept warm for me.
I am stepping out of my closet and declaring to everyone that I am a blatant and raving Heterosexual.
Are you still there? I know how bad this confession is. I know that, according to the media and the current popular view, that I am wrong.
I have tried, not too hard mind, to maintain a front of blatant homosexuality. Sadly it just never really did it for me. I have tried to look at men's arses with lust; but the thought would make bile rise to my throat.
So the question is what am I too do now? No more will I be able to use my, practiced, extravagant hand gestures. My clothing will have to be completely changed. The manner of my speech will also have to change. Where, I used to be able to speak 4 octaves higher than my natural level, I will now have to revert to using my true voice.
I will also have to tell my 'female' friends that I have secretly lusted after them for years. I will no longer be invited along to 'sleep overs'. The enjoyable times spent sitting on their beds, sipping cheap lambrini and discussing waxing before going out clubbing, will end. They will no longer ask me my opinion of their underwear, and parade in front of me in a state of undress, that almost blew my cover on far too many occasions.
I will have to start talking to women in an 'I want to sleep with them' way. I will no longer be able to blurt out "You don't have to worry about me darling, I'm a fag." This is always something that has terrified me and forced me into my fake Homosexuality in the first place. How does one speak to a woman to encourage them to want to fumble with your flies? It has always been so much easier to slap a mans arse, without threat of criminal charges, than to attempt a similar slap on a female posterior. Am I even allowed to slap their arses? What if I waited until the second date?
There are pluses of course in 'coming out'.
I will no longer have to blame the fact that I don't dance on a knee injury. I will be able to look women in the eye and tell them, in my newly gruff voice, "I can't dance." I will not have to deal with the suspicious glances and stares of 'True Homosexuals' as I tell them no to dancing.
I will also be able to put my real music and DVDS out on my shelves. I will be able to burn and throw out my Elton John Lps and boxed set Will and Grace DVDs.
My parents will allow me back into the house again. I will finally get to meet my nephews and nieces that have been kept away from me in the fear of 'giving them gay'. I will be able to sit and hold my mothers hand as I explain to her the reason why I never brought a 'boyfriend' home, because I never actually had one. I will no longer feel the need to hug my father when I see him, so making him grimace, I will be able to accept his handshake with a firm grip and just nod 'hello'.
So it is with a new strength that I walk out. The mince has gone and has been replaced with a purposeful stride upright and proud.
Stand back ladies; there's a new man in town.
A man that is in tune with your need to be held and loved. A man that understands the pain of waxing and exfoliation. A man who can sympathise with the suffering of plucking eyebrows. A man who hasn't felt the touch of a lady since he was a babe in arms.
So prepare for a new man to emerge from the shadows of Ghey.
I will not be doing it today though; as I have to wait for my last ass wax to grow back.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-02-21 12:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-20 21:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is totally gay.
<3
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-20 04:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A guy in my office had a full 'back, sack and crack' wax job for charity once.
His screaming still haunts my dreams.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not voting in any sort of contest. I just like it.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-19 15:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2007-02-19 13:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 for the dis on Will and Grace :(
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-19 12:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a funny guy.
i like what you do around here.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-19 12:28:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It felt a little like you were writing after a template, using metaphors/turns of phrase you didn't care very much about, so as to not waste them on this. Not bad, though, all in all.
And here for the nitpicking grammar bitch part, please research the grammatical rules for the use of "too" as opposed to "to".
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-02-19 12:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-02-19 10:38:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes because, in a right triangle the square drawn on the side opposite
the right angle is equal to the squares drawn on the sides that make
the right angle.
-----------------
I think he meant.....
The square on the hypotenuse of a right angled triangle is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides.
-Dave
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-02-19 12:06:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent, honey..
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-02-19 10:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes because, in a right triangle the square drawn on the side opposite
the right angle is equal to the squares drawn on the sides that make
the right angle.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-02-19 10:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
um... odd. seems a little pushed.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha, IT shows. Nice work, me.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:53:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:43:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:29:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you rush this?
--
Oh yes; and got bored with it too.
-----------
I can sympathise, but is shows.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:49:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:29:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you rush this?
--
Oh yes; and got bored with it too.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:29:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you rush this?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-02-19 09:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting twist