Trevor the Retarded Samurai (749 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.93 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by goferforhire <goferforhire.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2007-02-19 19:25:17 EST
He was too good for this world, Trevor Gingras; his smile cured the sick and the lame and the twinkle in his eyes was so bright that at night those who lived near him would, on occasion, have difficulty seeing the stars. When he walked among the mortals of his neighborhood, little children ceased their crying and the wild and dangerous animals of the suburbs were silent and peaceful. I was lucky to have known him, and to have him count me as a friend. Here, in what can only be described as a holy gospel, I shall recount to you one of his deeds, so that you may understand his goodness.
It was a gorgeous summer day, the kind of bright and glorious day that screams for miracles. Trevor sat under the shade of a willow tree in his front yard trying and failing to count his fingers. Not wishing to intterupt my messianic mongoloid friend, I simply stood and watched him at work until finally a blissful smile stole across his face. I was overhwelmed by the beauty. It was then that Trevor noticed my presence in his garden and rose to acknowledge me with the friendly vigor that was his wont. I slid from the crushing embrace and grinned back in my own restrained way, and asked him what he intended to do with his day. His face screwed up in concentration and replied with one simple word: "Samurai."
I didn't ask questions, I merely followed him. He led me giddily into his family's garage, where he pointed to a pile of miscellaneous sports equipment and repeated his word of the day.
"Saw it on TV." He clarified as he slipped on a catcher's vest and a bike helmet.
Following his lead, I donned a heavy snow jacket and baseball helmet, and looked to him for further guidance. He was standing proudly, holding a hockey stick firmly in both hands so that the business end was in the air, as though he intended to slice open the sky.
"Samurai!" He said, puffing his chest out to display his newly increased majesty. Once again finding myself unable to do anything other than imitate his greatness, I grabbed a baseball bat and asked him simply.
"What's next."
His smile clenched into a determined grin and he barked- "adventure." And proceeded to break out into a loping, wolfish jog. I followed him a step behind, wondering only where his whims would lead me.
We ran through hill and dale, passing neighborhood children who stood up to cheer our passing. We ran through groves of Dogwood trees, occasionally swiping at a branch with our weapons and continuing onward in a swirl of tiny white blossoms. At a certain point I realized that we were in the street, and that he was keeping pace with the cars that eased through the neighborhood slowly, eyeing the local children cautiously to avoid damaging them. My awe for him grew then. Just when it seemed I would die of exhaustion before we reached our destination, my glorious leader came to a halt just outside the pristine lawn of a well thought of family in the neighborhood, the Jarvises. Though I was panting like a dog in heat, Trevor had not so much as broken a sweat. He looked at me, thoughtfully waited for me to recover, and then gestured to a young child of no more than six playing in the front lawn.
Young Albert Jarvis was not popular within the neighborhood. In fact one might have called him the most hated son of a bitch in the Richmond suburbs. He was loud, rude, obnoxious, and everywhere you didn't want him to be. Worst of all was that his parents were so unbelievably rich that if you wanted something he simply had to ask and he could get it for himself and then not share it with you, just to piss you off. He also pissed in everything, but that's a totally different story. Today, Albert was going to receive Divine Retribution. Today Trevor had decided to play Samurai.
It started before I knew what was going to happen. Trevor sprinted at him like a rabid animal, howling in fake Japanese and swinging his hockey stick like a madman. Albert looked up from his ridiculously shiny and large Action Jackson playset with noisemaking awesome van or whatever the hell he was playing that day, it might have been Jurassic Park in time to see Trevor coming at him like a rabid truck. That's right, a rabid truck- I know that doesn't make any real sense, but he was that crazy, ok? Before the little brat could so much as cry for mommy, the Trevor used his fragile jaw as a puck and connected with a loud crack. Albert flew about 2 feet backwards with a yelp, and then Trevor dove on him, hitting him over and over again, while screaming-
"SAMURAI!!! SAMURAI!!!"
Over and over again. It was a horrifying sight, and the screams of the little thing mingled with his baritone battle cry to mimic almost perfectly the sound of a real battle from the days of old. I stood in awe, unable to lift a finger to assist in the struggle unfolding before me. At last I saw Mr. Jarvis himself running out to assist his embattled son, and I was motivated to action. Ululating in my best fashion, I charged the older man with bat in hand, and just before he could reach my friend, I landed a sound swing at his head.
"Samurai!!" I screamed, and he fell to the ground with a dull thud. He didn't move for a while.
Later on I was punished very severely for that. I was grounded for a great length of time, but through the window I could watch and see Trevor outside, working his magic with the children of our own cul-de-sac. I asked my parents why it was that he hadn't gotten in trouble for his assault, and they simply sighed and said this:
"It's because he's retarded. You can't blame retarded kids for doing retarded things. When a normal kid does it, they get punished."
And so it was, and so it will be forever. Amen.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-01 05:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-02-20 21:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That happy japanese man seems to have misplaced his pants.
______________________
This was lovely.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-27 16:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like you so much
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-02-27 15:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"How do you plead?"
"Not guilty by reason of Temporary Retardation."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-27 15:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BEWARE THE PANTSLESS SAMURAI
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-21 05:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-02-20 21:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That happy japanese man seems to have misplaced his pants.
BEWARE THE PANTSLESS SAMURAI
This was an excellent story, by the way.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-20 19:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:42:52 (#)
Ranking: -2
One time I was talking to an arabic friend about the location of the ark of the covenant, and he was secretly about to feed me poison dates, but then his monkey ate one and died so I didn't eat them. Then he took off my blouse and fondled me, even though I told him not to. I've never told anyone about this until now.
===
You.
Me.
Babies.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-02-20 15:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Drake Likes.
Submitted by chuckdoggydogg (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a great story
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just wait till college, dude- you act like a retard there, it's just called funny.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's because he's retarded. You can't blame retarded kids for doing retarded things. When a normal kid does it, they get punished."
---
I was told this a lot as a kid.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-19 21:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would like to note that Trevor also tried to fly when he was 5 and nearly died.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:48:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You knocked this one right out of the park.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is friggin' great!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:34:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMFG
This is like...the greatest story ever.
---
But whom killed him and why?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:34:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMFG
This is like...the greatest story ever.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hey, that's my dad
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-19 19:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was amazing.