Would somebody fucking validate my existence? Please? Or fuck me at least? (1258 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.94 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ampersand (View user info) at 2007-02-19 23:33:32 EST
I listen to a crapton of music. In the last nine months, more or less, I've listened to 23,648 songs on my computer. Throw in my iPod and car and that number probably grows by more then 50%. Currently I have 3550 songs on my computer but I've downloaded and deleted probably that many or more. I also listen to music on other peoples computers and I used to listen to the radio so, in a very rough estimate, I'll say I've heard 10,000-15,000 distinct songs in my lifetime. That number may be way off but the number really doesn't matter. What matters is that I've spent a hell of a lot of time listening to music and, presumably, there is a reason for this. Not presumably, in fact, as I know there is a reason for this. Of the 3550 songs on my iPod, not all of them speak to me personally, a lot of them don't even have words; I just like how they sound. But a lot of them do speak to me personally and that's why I listen to music so much. Every time I find that one new song that really fuckin means something to me, the hundred that I had to delete to get to that one stop mattering. It feels like a tiny slice of validation, to know that somewhere out there someone fells just how I do. And not only do they feel just how I do, they thought that feeling was important enough to put it into a song. The release is absolute.
And this is all well and good, but tiny slices can only take me so far. I want to be validated completely, from head to toe and every inch in between. That's why I post on ubersite. That's why I have a .txt file on my desktop where, whenever inspiration strikes, I write a song. I don't play any instruments and I can't sing but in the past two years I've written more then a hundred songs. Sometimes I just sit down and write stories, entire ten page stories with beginnings, middles and ends without ever pausing. After that I delete them because I knew from the first word that it wasn't something I needed to keep; it was something I already knew in my heart so why should I need it on my harddrive? It was something I wanted to tell somebody, but there's no one to tell. Or, no one to tell beyond Microsoft word. No one who will contemplate what I've said and respond. No one who will care.
To write like that feels like trying to hit your head on an illusory brick wall. You just keep swinging your head harder and more violent each time, hoping it will hit something, but it never does. Its frustrating certainly, but I for one intend to keep swinging because, even if I miswrite a million things before I do, eventually I'm bound to write something that is exactly what I intend it to be. It's probably a once-in-a-lifetime event, writing something that is exactly what you intend it to be, but statistics tells us that, even though we all live only once, there are so many possible once-in-a-lifetime events, a few of them are bound to happen in every life. And since very little else of substance occurs in my life, I'm banking on this being my once-a-life event.
Even more so, I'm banking on the fact that someone will care. Someone will read what I write and realize that it is also exactly what he or she intended to write. Every light bulb in his brain will go off, a little cartoon exclamation point will pop up over his head, and suddenly everything will be realized. The dam will break and a lifetime of exasperation and frustration and wondering will crash through it violently, deliriously, joyfully. He will tell this to me as well, but not with words, because he won't have any words and he won't need any words. He will tell it to me with the look on his face, and that will be enough.
But to write like that, as though you were attempting to hit an illusion, is a simple thing. I suspect its how many serious writers write. It's a different thing completely to live like that. Every word you speak tastes like death as it comes out your mouth, even if they sound just as they always. Every time you smile it feels like there's some green slime oozing down your teeth, declaring your false intentions. Laughter is meaningless, if you're lucky, hollow and bitter if you're not. After a while it becomes difficult to even pretend that you enjoy the company of other human beings. After somewhat longer, the notion that you ever bothered to pretend such a thing seems pointless and silly. People will start to ask you if you're feeling well even when you are perfectly healthy. Healthier probably, then they have ever been, because you stopped eating fatty or sugary foods and you've picked up a habit of going to the gym and running laps until your quadriceps start to spasm. People will tell you to get more sleep even though you're never out late and you sleep till 2p.m. on the weekends.
To live like that is to live constantly in thought. Mostly in thought of the one human being whose company you're quite certain you would enjoy. Every time you think about her though, you realize you hardly know her at all; she's just a construct in your mind and a pair of tits to beat off to. In all likelihood, she's nothing like how you imagine her, especially when you consider how perfect she is in your imagination. These are the thoughts you stifle; every other thought you let wander and waver as it will, but these thoughts you suppress as quickly as possible. Eventually you learn to crush them instantly, because if you don't, they will crush you. It is more pleasant to think of her as ideal. As the person who will complete you, help you find the rest of yourself that you had been missing for so long. She's the person that will ask you about your dreams, but not about what they mean, because she already knows what they mean. She knew before you did. She's the person that will tell you about her dreams, but not about what they mean, because you knew what they meant a long, long time ago. She will be your validation.
But will you ever find her? Will you ever figure out why all this is the way it is? Only if you search. Personally though, I've searched the faces of the stars and I've searched my soul and I've searched the grass I walk on and the face of every person I've ever met, and I still can't find a single reason for me to exist. I keep on existing though, so as far as I can tell, I may as well keep on searching.
User Reviews
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by LisaD (user info) at 2007-05-18 13:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-03-13 19:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-03-11 01:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yup.
You are likable.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-11 01:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes, your comments to other people here lead me to think you might be a bit dismissive or arrogant, but then I read something like this and I really appreciate your candor and your ability to express some awkward or uncomfortable emotion.
I'm glad you wrote this and I'm glad I read it.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, that was a good comment. Honestly I'm more proud that I wrote that comment then the vast majority of my posts here.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98972#2320996
that deserves a +2.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-21 12:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny, but this was even funnier:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98972#2320996
+2, sir.
Submitted by Shryke (user info) at 2007-02-20 23:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is excellent
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-02-20 19:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You need a hobby man. Not writing or listening to music. Something that you actualy enjoy. Find something that when you finish it, you feel accomplished. Like building models, or something.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-20 18:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:13:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-20 10:27:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
HUG?
----------------------
yeah - WTF? Did you get hold of some bad acid or something?
---
no but you can hug me too if you want.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-20 10:27:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
HUG?
----------------------
yeah - WTF? Did you get hold of some bad acid or something?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:03:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This is old news. Don't think you'll ever get that perfect someone? Join the fucking club.
But even for everyone else it sucks. It's either the answer to your prayers or it ends in a painful spiral of shit. It ends in shit way more often than not. Get over it and go out and get some strange ass.
Submitted by spidernutz (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:25:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
you're never gonna find her
----------
but i'm sure jonny would love to take a shot in the mouth....that's the only way he can get the respect of all his fellow faggots
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you're never gonna find her
Submitted by chuckdoggydogg (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good stuff
Submitted by Hagard (user info) at 2007-02-20 12:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice stuff.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dig this kid.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's why you exist: to be the first person in the world to win one million pints of beer by betting that you can balance a broomstick on one toe while drinking that pint and spill neither the broomstick nor a drop of hop soda. At 50 pints a day, that's just short of 55 years. You can do it, but you'd better get started. -God
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-20 10:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It seems like sometimes when you trust people with large secrets their whole view of you changes into something overdramatic and false. Trying to help someone through something they've already experienced, dealt with, and forgotten just doesn't help.
---
I've been there. My parents and my university just recently discovered my drug habit and now theyre all freaking out about it and I'm probably gonna end up having to see a counselor, nevermind the fact that drugs are something I came to grips with a long time ago. The worst part is they dont even try to understand. Adults assume that because theyre older then me, they know more then I do, even when they straight up admit to knowing nothing at all about what theyre talking about (like drugs, in this instance).
Basically the government told my parents in the 50s that drugs were scary so now its 2007 and theyre still steadfastly convinced that pot is scary even though they dont know anything about it. And nor do they listen when I explain: I'm like, guess what else they told you was scary in the 50s, the commies. Guess why they had you duck and cover under your desks in school. Not because they thought it might save you from a bomb, they didnt even think you would ever be bombed (cause if youre attacking another country, high schools are generally not priority targets). They told you to duck and cover because they wanted you to be afraid of Russia so they could keep spending billions on the cold war. They wanted you to be afraid. But they're all naw man, commies are scary and so is pot. And if you keep smoking pot were not gonna pay for your education. Seriously, if they find pot on me ever again theyre going to stop paying for my education. If they do that I'm going to drop out and join the army.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-20 10:27:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HUG?
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-20 08:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-20 00:58:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
I happened to find this extremely coherent....and frighteningly relateable.
Currently there , doin'it !
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-20 08:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-20 06:58:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-20 03:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to be the person who lived in thought. I still do a lot, but when my boyfriend's dad told my mom I needed a shrink I changed. It seems like sometimes when you trust people with large secrets their whole view of you changes into something overdramatic and false. Trying to help someone through something they've already experienced, dealt with, and forgotten just doesn't help.
I miss my old self sometimes.
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-02-20 03:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-20 03:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-20 00:58:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
I happened to find this extremely coherent....and frighteningly relateable.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-20 03:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The first paragraph makes no sense to me.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-02-20 02:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ungh. Existential crisis alert.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-02-20 02:03:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
there's really no reason for anyone or anything to exist. it's not a big deal. just do what makes you feel good until you die.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-02-20 01:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you realize that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good things last
you realize the sun doesn't go down
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-02-20 01:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-20 01:12:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
necessitates
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-20 01:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
higher
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-20 01:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rating
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-20 00:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I happened to find this extremely coherent....and frighteningly relateable.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-20 00:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The random incoherent stoned babbling is not.
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2007-02-20 00:02:31 (#)
Ranking: 1
The kitty is cute
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-02-20 00:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't -2 a disembodied kitten head
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-02-20 00:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's nice.
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2007-02-20 00:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The kitty is cute