This bed ain't big enough for the both of us. (1212 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2007-02-20 11:28:13 EST
Henry came back last night and I would be lying if I said I was pleased to see him. He had tormented me for months and I only felt relief when one morning I woke to find him gone. I don't care where he's has been; if I had been concerned about his welfare I would have looked for him a couple of months back when he disappeared.
Two and a half glorious months of a relaxed and easy existence was ruined at ten o'clock last night when I went upstairs to go to bed. Henry was there waiting for me, nestled into the corner of my room like he had never been away. Henry the spider was back, and I swear the little bastard had grown.
It started innocently enough, Henry appeared one day in what came to be his corner and we made an agreement, live and let live. He never ventured far from his home and I never caught him in places I wouldn't best be pleased to see him. It was an easy and undemanding friendship. That was until one fateful night in November. It had been raining constantly for three days and the wind wouldn't let up. I couldn't sleep and after glancing at my phone for the time and groaning, I gave up and turned on the light so I could read.
There to my surprise was Henry, hovering only inches above my head. At my startled scream, he scuttled back to his corner and cowered for a while before dashing into one of the larger cracks in the wall. I was quite reasonably shaken and it took me a while to settle down again. I threw a few threats in his direction and told him in future to stay put when I'm sleeping.
Unfortunately Henry took no notice of these warnings and it was only a few nights later, when peering into the dark, I saw him slowly making his move towards the bed. Jumping up like a crazy woman, I threw back the covers and reached for the book beside me. I wasn't going to hurt him; I just wanted to scare him back to his home. Henry took off at the first sign of movement, disappearing into the crack. Warily I crawled back into bed and had a fitful night sleep, dreaming of waking up next to a giant spider.
I decided that morning that Henry had to go to a new home, but he wouldn't let me any where near him. Every time I got close, cup in one hand and magazine in the other, he would bolt in to the crack. So I left the festering little demon to his own devises for while.
He continued to stalk me as I slept and I often woke to find him hovering in a most precarious way above my head. I would get up and like a woman possessed chase him back to his crack in the wall, only to watch in despair as he would creep out again a few hours later. I began to fear Henry and started to feel uncomfortable by his presence. Countless people had assured me that he was only attracted to the warmth of my body heat and the moisture in my breath, but we've all heard the tales about spiders crawling into people's mouths in the night and the unsuspecting victim eating them in his/her sleep. Apparently the statistic is eight a year for the average human. I couldn't bare the thought of eating Henry, the idea makes vomit rise in my throat.
One night Henry made the ultimate mistake. I woke in the dark on this particular night to the sensation of someone gently stroking my cheek. Even through my sleep-ridden memory I knew I went to bed alone. I jumped out of bed and ran shrieking to the other side of the room, running my hands over my face and trying to shake out my hair. I threw on the lights and sure enough, there was Henry sat triumphantly on my pillow. Rage gurgled in my throat as I ran at him yelling like a banshee, swinging my slipper over my head in a demonstration of power and ferocity. Henry was too quick for my assault and after quite a decent battering, left only a leg behind and escaping with his life.
Three days went by and I saw neither hide nor hair of him. I started to relax and after a couple of weeks I had forgotten all about him. Until now that is. Henry is back, missing leg and all. So, after I finish writing this, I'm about to do something I would never do under normal circumstances.
I'm going to introduce Henry to the vacuum cleaner.
User Reviews
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2007-06-04 08:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-31 12:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spiders in the bath tub = the bain of my life.
________________________-
or the shower
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-31 12:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spiders in the bath tub = the bain of my life.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-05-31 11:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a big and hairy. like a northen garden spider that had been supersized.
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2007-05-31 11:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what kind of spider is it?
at my cottage we have Dock spiders (Think tarantula but gray and a tiny bit smaller), and being the hick that I am (Being from northern Canada)my cousins and I would shoot them with our .22 rifles, it was loads of fun, (The reason I'd use a rifle is because spiders creep me the fuck out) hence forth I am sleeping in a mosquito net
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-02-25 22:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uberiffic!
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, his name is Alan? We used to call him Pjotr, but I suppose that Ruskie bastard's trying to hide his heritage. Shame though, he used to be the best shot in the KGB. I think he had maybe 10 or 15 capitalist spies to his name.
Take another good look at him. Don't you think he looks a little, well, 'Red'?
Maybe Phil was right. Maybe you should silence this sneaky commie snake. If not for the pleasure of his 'children', then do it for your home-country.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-21 05:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-02-21 05:06:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:35:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
ICO: You just creeped me the hell out! Let alone some geek who loves all things crawly. Are you telling me that Henry could have been trying to kill me?!?!
*stares hard at the screen waiting for an answer*
___________________________
Nooo, silly goose! That's not at all what I'm saying. Or... is it?
I just thought that máybe our dear 'Henry' (or Phil the figment, as I like to call him) is trying to use his superior suggestive arachnid powers to 'help you decide' on, say, killing your neighbour.
Don't you think he'd be better off dead? Look at him, next time you see him. Isn't that a miserable excuse for a living human being?
Come on, little monster, it's the humanitarian thing to do.
____________________________
Well........He does look a little on the wobbly end of life......and his dog does bark far too much. His kids have been dying to get thier hands on that house for years.........I would be doing everyone a favour really, it must be costing the NHS thousands to keep him alive....
*runs away to go and find the shot gun*
I don't think anyone has ever creeped me out quite like you just have. I like it. Just stop trying to get me to kill my neighbour, what have you got against Alan anyway?
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-02-21 05:06:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:35:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
ICO: You just creeped me the hell out! Let alone some geek who loves all things crawly. Are you telling me that Henry could have been trying to kill me?!?!
*stares hard at the screen waiting for an answer*
___________________________
Nooo, silly goose! That's not at all what I'm saying. Or... is it?
I just thought that máybe our dear 'Henry' (or Phil the figment, as I like to call him) is trying to use his superior suggestive arachnid powers to 'help you decide' on, say, killing your neighbour.
Don't you think he'd be better off dead? Look at him, next time you see him. Isn't that a miserable excuse for a living human being?
Come on, little monster, it's the humanitarian thing to do.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-21 02:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ArachneHOLYFUCKAphobia!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-02-21 01:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-02-21 00:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice picture. Thanks for that. I'll just be over here, never sleeping again.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-02-20 23:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have a spider if they ate leaves and shit instead of liquifying their food from the inside out while it's alive then drinking it..
Awww... look at his juicy little eyes!!
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-02-20 23:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have a spider if they ate leaves and shit instead of liquifying their food from the inside out while it's alove then drinking it..
Awww... look at his juicy little eyes!!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-20 18:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'night then
good to see you around
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 18:03:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sleep time now, safe in the knowledge that Henry wont be bothering me again. Happy days Uber.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But yeah...I'd like to try.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I hate spiders.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:32:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:20:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a girlfriend from Italy who was deathly afraid of moths and grasshoppers. Not sure why I'm bringing this up, other than to mention that I dated a girl from Italy. Yay me.
ps, I think I'll build you a Japanese rock garden, too.
_______
Will you take care of all future spider problems for me? I can't cope with going through all this again.
--------
I can't make any promises.
<double entendre...or something>
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ICO: You just creeped me the hell out! Let alone some geek who loves all things crawly. Are you telling me that Henry could have been trying to kill me?!?!
*stares hard at the screen waiting for an answer*
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:32:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:20:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a girlfriend from Italy who was deathly afraid of moths and grasshoppers. Not sure why I'm bringing this up, other than to mention that I dated a girl from Italy. Yay me.
ps, I think I'll build you a Japanese rock garden, too.
_______
Italian girls are hot. Moths are not, as I class them as a butterfly. Grasshoppers are yummy.
My garden is going to be so pretty by the time your done! Will you take care of all future spider problems for me? I can't cope with going through all this again.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, they can be quite life-like. Purely out of curiosity, though; Does the spider suggest anything pointing to homocidal behaviour? Did you ever stop and think he might be right? His diminutive figure might say otherwise, but a spider's brain is actually more powerful than a human's. I'm sure there's a Wikipedia article out there supporting my claim, but it's probably written by some kind of weird spider fanaticist. Those guys creep me out.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a girlfriend from Italy who was deathly afraid of moths and grasshoppers. Not sure why I'm bringing this up, other than to mention that I dated a girl from Italy. Yay me.
ps, I think I'll build you a Japanese rock garden, too.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 17:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Luther, thats not a fake picture. Though I have to admit it is not a picture of Henry.
Henry was bigger.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another +2 because I caught myself shutting my eyes when I scrolled past his picture.... his cousin Frank lives in my cellar. I'll have to post a picture some day soon.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I let out a girly little scream when I saw that picture. That's fake, right?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ugh
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BuckeyesTHEGAME - glad you liked it. I was worried it was a bit meh, so your comment has cheered me greatly.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:11:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
The spider's never been there. It's a manifestation of your inner fears and worries. You should probably see a therapist, as you are deranged and should be culled.
Entertaining read, though. Crackpots are creative.
__________
Your comment may drive me into therapy, but I promise you that Henry is..........sorry, WAS very real.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:43:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
You need a tokay gecko.
________
A what?!
And no I'm afraid he's not radio active, just plain annoying.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The spider's never been there. It's a manifestation of your inner fears and worries. You should probably see a therapist, as you are deranged and should be culled.
Entertaining read, though. Crackpots are creative.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
is he radioactive?
you could get Spiderman powers out of the deal, don't act rashly
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need a tokay gecko.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once I woke up and counted no less than eight spiders lined up along my ceiling like some kind of disgusting congo line, but a vacuum solved that pretty fucking fast.
Spiders terrify me.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're lucky he chose that orifice
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fantastic. It helped me kill a few minutes at work and made me cringe several times because I hate the evil little bastards and the thought of one crawling on my face makes me shudder.
This is what Uber once was. +2, but I wish I could give this a +10.
Submitted by chuckdoggydogg (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
great intro
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-20 12:02:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
------------
Total trash urban myth pish.
Why would an animal willingly wander into some other creatures mouth?
Total rubbish.
---
Not at all. Spiders are attracted to higher temperatures and levels of carbon dioxide, same as are mosquitos. If you're a mouth breather, your non-moving gaping maw looks pretty attractive to hairy-legged web-slinging creatures sneaking into your bedroom at night. And spiders.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i had a similar experience. it took a week to finally rid myself of the little shit. fucking thing kept trying to crawl in my mouth in my sleep.
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2007-02-20 12:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a nightmare last night about trying to kill/smother a huge brown spider with hairspray... weird. It kept crawling after me, ooohh, gives me the heebie jeebies!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-02-20 12:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Start dating a Canadian.
The males of our species eat spiders.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-20 12:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the story was good but the picture at the bottom gave me chillllls
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-20 12:02:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:33:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
North Americans reportedly eat 2 spiders a year in their sleep. I imagine that number to be higher in Europe since they seem to go to bed drunk more often, and lower in Australia since spider-eating there is, on the whole, more deadly.
Pleasant dreams.
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Total trash urban myth pish.
Why would an animal willingly wander into some other creatures mouth?
Total rubbish.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spider-killing spray. I hate spiders.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:55:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tape the crack shut.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He always runs before I can get anywhere near him, that's why I thought a long handled hover could do the trick.
Oh bugger it. I'm going to get someone else to deal with him. This is mans work.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Use a magazine.
Or gradually move your bed closer and closer towards the door until he is so close that you just push him out.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What if i don't have a dyson?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't hoover it up with a bag hoover. They like it in there. Use a dyson.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
North Americans reportedly eat 2 spiders a year in their sleep. I imagine that number to be higher in Europe since they seem to go to bed drunk more often, and lower in Australia since spider-eating there is, on the whole, more deadly.
Pleasant dreams.