The Threshold and the Case of the Ex. (515 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.05 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2007-02-20 13:47:01 EST
A long time ago, Mr. JMG wrote an article dealing with the "two-year theory." Or maybe it was three. I'm far too lazy to sift through his million posts for it, but the gist of this particular one is that there is a certain threshold in a relationship where shit just falls apart. I dunno. I mean, I DO know that there is a threshold, but I wonder if it's so cut-and-dry for everybody.
Okay, let me start over.
For the sake of my argument, let's just pretend that JMG's thesis was "after 2 years you feel like stabbing your significant other in the neck with a steak knife." Sounds reasonable enough. Let me just go ahead and add a little corollary to that: "After 2 years, you cross a threshold which makes you either realize that you're looking forward to a lifetime of waking up to the same person...or the whole stabbing business."
In my experience, both personal and second-hand from discussions with others, I've found that women know right away if they want to fuck you. That's pretty blunt and that's pretty much quoted verbatim from an old female acquaintance. Plus, Chris Rock did a bit on this matter. The point is that no matter what a guy does, a woman's initial intuition is the ultimate factor. You can buy all the drinks and flowers and jewelry you want, but if she doesn't deem you "fuckable," you're not gettin down with her. Unless she's just bored. Or feels extreme pity. Both of these cases are perfectly acceptable for the male.
A man, on the other hand, will fuck anything with a vagina. Some cases might require him to consume more alcohol beforehand, but his standards are pretty much adjustable. (Note: my argument applies only to the standard heterosexual male. I'm not sure if the gay man thinks exactly the same way, but just towards men or if there's some scale or set of requirements or whatever. Feel free to comment about this if need be, but as long as I'm making sweeping stereotypical generalizations, I might as well limit the scope to what I'm familiar with).
What does all this one night stand-sounding talk have to do with relationships? Well, it's a similar premise. That is, that same intuition that women have can be applied to their judgment of a man for long-term potential. They know if they want to pursue a man after the initial meeting. Barring any surprise homocidal tendencies (fresh human body parts in the freezer, etc.), a woman will overlook his little inevitable faults (shitstains, bad facial hair, etc.) and make him her man. That is, if she liked what she saw in his initial personal offering (see, that's a play on "initial public offering." Get it? Come on, you know that was clever. Come on...fuck you, I thought it was funny.) It is this rigid pursuit of a relationship that causes certain women to mis-categorize certain "little inevitable faults," like physical and mental abuse. Combined with the "he will change eventually" or "I can change him" bug, this mindset pushes a women far past any 2- or 3-year threshold. The relationship basically lasts until he leaves or goes to jail or someone dies. Or it continues in its stale, miserable state forever.
A man, on the other hand, knows all too well if he wants to be with a woman forever. That whole "adjustable-with-beer" one-night-stand scale goes out the window. Deep down inside, a man knows if he's happy with his woman. If a man is smart, rational and truly caring, he ends the thing as early as possible. If, however, he is smart but irrational and short-sighted, he will continue on with the relationship with a false sense of happiness...up to a point. That point is the aforementioned "threshold."
In my firsthand experience, the threshold occurred right after 2 years and coincided with me moving in with my former girlfriend. In hindsight it's pretty obvious, but at the time I didn't realize moving in was synonymous with "fast-track to marriage." See, that's what the threshold really is: a moment of internal reflection. Even though I had zero intention of getting married, I was able to brush off any of that talk BEFORE the threshold came. Questions like "You DO want to get married, don't you?" and "where will the wedding take place?" were brushed aside like dandruff. Everything just seemed far away and surreal. As soon as the threshold hits, that's when everything changes. That's when everything becomes real. That's when all the beautiful women I always observed on the way to work became supermodels. Porn became my escape from my fear, if only temporarily. All the negative qualities in the ex that I previously ignored flared up in my face. Whether they were just little idiosyncracies or just awful behavior towards certain groups of people, it all became focused in my direction.
I'm not sure if my realization flared her intution sensors and shifted her to full-fledged bitch mode or if that mode was always on and I just didn't want to be a part of it any more. Or it could very well be that I'm just an asshole and didn't want to stick around. I'm not afraid to admit that possibility. Either way, I passed the threshold and realized I had a decision to make. Unfortunately, it took 1 year, 9 months, 3 friends and 3 family members to get me to follow through. It's essentially like having to puke but not wanting to because it's puke. More often than not, it's better to just get it over with and move on.
Having extricated myself from a precarious situation, I found myself even further on the receiving end of a lot of bitchiness. And this was after a break-up that we both agreed was mutual. Looking back, it wasn't really mutual, at least not based on our initial reactions to it. She was a wreck and needed family support. I felt like running naked in the streets. After having passed through the threshold, she overlooked my flaws and continued pursuing the relationship. This included my one major flaw: the fact that I couldn't stand being her anymore. I passed through the threshold and realized the truth right away...but I ignored it for the sake of being a nice guy. Well, that and I needed to move of my parent's place.
As I write this I'm thinking of one amendment to what I initially wrote: rather than categorically assign a certain reaction to the threshold to females and the other to males, I think it suffices to say that these different types of behavior exist. Based on my talks with both male and female friends, family and acquaintances, either sex is equally capable of becoming obsessive about keeping a relationshiT (thank you, Dane Cook) together and also equally capable of having a cavalier attitude until the threshold.
In my case, I exhibited a little of both. In the case of a couple of female friends I talked to, they broke it off within days and within weeks of the threshold and coming to grips with their reality. I also know one female and one male who are each still in a holocaust of a relationship just because they "know it will work out." The individual cases I've encountered are numerous, but the general themes are always the same.
I know there are for more angles and dimensions to a relationship than "The Threshold," but I find the latter to be remarkably constant, even if the actual timeframes may vary. One disclaimer I might add is that this does not apply to short-term relationships. 2- or 3-month relationships tend to indicate that neither party was truly interested in pursuing anything long-term to begin with. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I'd argue that those prove the rule. Also, please be aware that I'm very conscious of my status in the world as a disgruntled cube monkey. I'm no psychologist; my candid discussions and slight interest in Scientific American internet articles in no way qualify me as an expert. That's why this post is on uber and not in the New England Journal of Medicine. The big words are purely the effect of Kevin Smith movies. I'm just curious about everyone else's points of view.
That being said, the forum is open for discussion and dick jokes.
User Reviews
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-02-21 10:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:21:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:48:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:26:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Blah blah blah blah blah, I stopped reading somewhere after the 2nd or 4th paragraph. If you want people to pay attention at least make it readable.
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I only want people to pay attention if they want to.
As to NJ, the answer is "yes." Fart jokes are always appealing as well.
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That was a Kevin Smith reference, by the way.
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I would hope so. Jersey gotta represent!!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-21 01:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-02-21 01:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You didn't make this graph yourself? Jesus, at least you could've done a better job in 5 minutes.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This felt a little longer than it should have.
I've seen that threshold several times but only experienced it once. I knew around two years I needed to get out, but it took me another freaking five to do so.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2007-02-20 16:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:48:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:26:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Blah blah blah blah blah, I stopped reading somewhere after the 2nd or 4th paragraph. If you want people to pay attention at least make it readable.
---------------------------------------
I only want people to pay attention if they want to.
As to NJ, the answer is "yes." Fart jokes are always appealing as well.
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That was a Kevin Smith reference, by the way.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-20 15:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:16:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
"A man, on the other hand,
knows all too well if he
wants to be with a woman forever."
NO MAN wants to be with
A/ONE woman forever.
It's just not in man's nature.
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Actually, I have more trouble being with one person for a long time than my boyfriend does. I dunno why.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-20 15:36:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:16:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
"A man, on the other hand,
knows all too well if he
wants to be with a woman forever."
NO MAN wants to be with
A/ONE woman forever.
It's just not in man's nature.
---
I disagree.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2007-02-20 15:16:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:53:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:46:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
was doing great right up until you mentioned Dane Cook.
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Had a feeling some folks wouldn't take kindly to him. As far as I know, Tom Sorrell's the only person on uber other than myself who has quoted the Dane.
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Nah, I've seen several other people do it back before all the backlash occured.
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A GRAPH?
Any geek who can reduce a relationship to a graph has serious issues. you need to get outta the cube a little more....
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
while it is true to an extent that a girl makes a decision on whether she will fuck a guy upon first meeting, sometimes all it takes is a few tequila shots and some other girl flirting with the 'unfuckable' guy to completely change her mind.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:53:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
After two years you're used to each other. After seven years you're bored with each other (if you're ever going to be so). After fifteen years it takes so little to make you happy and so much to really piss you off that you're back in love despite all the non-dishwashing and sink-soak-panties and snoring and toilet-lid-repositioning you endure.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:53:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:46:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
was doing great right up until you mentioned Dane Cook.
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Had a feeling some folks wouldn't take kindly to him. As far as I know, Tom Sorrell's the only person on uber other than myself who has quoted the Dane.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm confused. Is that a normal probability curve or a T curve?
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:26:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Blah blah blah blah blah, I stopped reading somewhere after the 2nd or 4th paragraph. If you want people to pay attention at least make it readable.
---------------------------------------
I only want people to pay attention if they want to.
As to NJ, the answer is "yes." Fart jokes are always appealing as well.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
was doing great right up until you mentioned Dane Cook.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Blah blah blah blah blah, I stopped reading somewhere after the 2nd or 4th paragraph. If you want people to pay attention at least make it readable.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"A man, on the other hand,
knows all too well if he
wants to be with a woman forever."
NO MAN wants to be with
A/ONE woman forever.
It's just not in man's nature.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2007-02-20 14:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"That being said, the forum is open for discussion and dick jokes. "
No fart jokes?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"2- or 3-month relationships tend to indicate that neither party was truly interested in pursuing anything long-term to begin with."
Those are the best
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Get a sex change, Nancyboy.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The point is that no matter what a guy does, a woman's initial intuition is the ultimate factor. You can buy all the drinks and flowers and jewelry you want, but if she doesn't deem you "fuckable," you're not gettin down with her. Unless she's just bored. Or feels extreme pity. Both of these cases are perfectly acceptable for the male.
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You give girls too much credit, sometimes all it takes is an accidental brush against a person and a girl will change her mind about not fucking him.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Truth
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:50:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this two is for the graph
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2007-02-20 13:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After seven years you actively hope you get caught in gang crossfire.