Hypnotizing Drool or Why I Hate the Bus (751 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.01 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tiaprae (View user info) at 2007-02-21 14:30:23 EST
Unfortunately had to go to the mall to spend loads of non-existant money, so after work I hopped onto the Metro. Shortly after I sit down (near the front so I can make my dramatic exit as soon as possible) I hear an odd sound. (Imagine that cartoon where the main character is some how thrown into a pit with a bull? And the bull has steam coming out its nose? It was a lot like that sound.)
I look up from the floor (which is my friend on the bus so I can avoid moments like I'm about to have) to see this rather well...large...man get on the bus. He's huffing and puffing as he tries to reach the seat. Instant thought comes to mind "Why the fuck did I sit in the front of the bus."
He looks over at me, I smile politely (that's what you do isn't it?) and set my gaze back on the floor. Rather than sitting across from me he chooses to sit right next to me. (bloody fucking perfect)
I'm fine though, ground has captivated me enough, until I hear laughter from outside. Instinctively I look out the front of the bus, where "Ricky" is seated. I see clear drool coming from the side of his lip. And notice that it seems as though his eyes are fighting over who can look at his nose the longest.
I can't stop staring at the drool. How does some one drool? If they had a problem, wouldn't they carry a napkin with them or something? I don't know if I could leave the house with half a gallon of saliva hanging off my face.
At this point, I realize not only has he noticed that I'm staring, but he is eying my leg. Faint thoughts of rape by retard come to mind, so I instantly return back to the green green floor. The floor is my friend...
"How are you doing?" Now this was far less coherant than you may realize, it sounded more like a "hhhoooww eerrrr yooooou dong".
"Uhm...alright..." The floor was my secret-awesome-lover-man and I was trying to look into it's divited eyes until he noticed my obvious "girl does not want to talk to you" behavior.
"Where are you going?" (again this was almost inaudible, but it's pretty simple to imagine).
I have to look up at him. I'm staring at the drool as I talk, why is drool so fucking stupefying?
"The mall."
"Where do you go to school?" So to put this straight, he looks around 35 (and that's being nice), he's staring at my leg, and he thinks I'm in high school. The red flags with CREEP written on them in bold black letters were fluttering around my skull.
"I don't, I work."
"Where do you work."
I tell him where I work and answer all the questions he asks (including my name, his is Ricky. Ricky Retardo)
"So would you want to catch a movie some time?"
"I'm sorry...I'm uhm...taken.."
"Oh you're taken?"
"Yea"
I pull out my phone and start writing a text to my friend for emergency phone call, but luckily her psychic abilities already alerted her, and my phone rang.
I hate the frickin bus.
User Reviews
Submitted by Daccory (user info) at 2007-02-26 12:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 18:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:44:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:12:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Was trying to come up with a tag name a few years ago, pulled out one of my psych books, it's demen[tia prae]cox (Freud's name for schizophrenia) I would have just done praecox, but having something so close to cock in the name well...I get hit on enough while playing mmorpgs w/o adding to the problem
Fits nicely on Uber .
-----
Thanks
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:12:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Was trying to come up with a tag name a few years ago, pulled out one of my psych books, it's demen[tia prae]cox (Freud's name for schizophrenia) I would have just done praecox, but having something so close to cock in the name well...I get hit on enough while playing mmorpgs w/o adding to the problem
Fits nicely on Uber .
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ruts is probably better.
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I was trying to think of the word for 20 minutes and it didn't come to me until some one asked what divit meant.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-22 15:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
divet/divot
div·ot
noun
1. Golf. a piece of turf gouged out with a club in making a stroke.
2. Scot. a piece of turf.
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Ruts is probably better.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-02-22 14:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Was trying to come up with a tag name a few years ago, pulled out one of my psych books, it's demen[tia prae]cox (Freud's name for schizophrenia) I would have just done praecox, but having something so close to cock in the name well...I get hit on enough while playing mmorpgs w/o adding to the problem "
-----------
That is such a clever name! Awesome.
I hate the bus too....always weirdos. I had to take the bus for 7 months because my friend crashed my car....it was a shitty experience and I am glad it is over.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:04:49 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:15:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 05:33:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
tiaprae reversed is almost 'earpit' .
Just noticed .
------------------------------------------------
Next time some one asks me what it means I'm going with that.
It's also reversed "earpait" ; which sounds like "earpaid" ; which sounds like you make money with those lovely things . Not what you meant, probably .;-)
Now you got me curious ; What does it mean ? (i know, google's just a click away, just being a bit nosy here...)
C Ya !
-----------------------------------------------
Was trying to come up with a tag name a few years ago, pulled out one of my psych books, it's demen[tia prae]cox (Freud's name for schizophrenia) I would have just done praecox, but having something so close to cock in the name well...I get hit on enough while playing mmorpgs w/o adding to the problem
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:04:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:15:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 05:33:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
tiaprae reversed is almost 'earpit' .
Just noticed .
------------------------------------------------
Next time some one asks me what it means I'm going with that.
It's also reversed "earpait" ; which sounds like "earpaid" ; which sounds like you make money with those lovely things . Not what you meant, probably .;-)
Now you got me curious ; What does it mean ? (i know, google's just a click away, just being a bit nosy here...)
C Ya !
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apt linkwhore
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92526
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 05:33:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
tiaprae reversed is almost 'earpit' .
Just noticed .
------------------------------------------------
Next time some one asks me what it means I'm going with that.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hehehe. here's a visual for ya: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99026
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 05:33:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
tiaprae reversed is almost 'earpit' .
Just noticed .
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 04:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This sounds like my ex boyfriend. Unlucky.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-21 23:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
rating your own post has no effect, and to some people it seems arrogant to +2 yourself. I don't mind, really.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-21 22:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
And there was a faint smile.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-21 22:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm glad you didn't get scared away. +1 for sticking with it.
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-02-21 19:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-02-21 19:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So you wanna catcha movie sometime?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-21 16:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't know, something was just missing from this......
Oh yeah I know..HUMOUR.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-02-21 16:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Beat you to it, long ago little one.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71438
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71438
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71438
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71438
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71438
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2007-02-21 16:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you answered all the questions he asked truthfully?
if you did, rape by retard is something you deserve
sorry
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-02-21 16:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You've got some good stuff going on here, and then it ended. I think you'll do well here though. Stay away from the Orgasmatron. He likes young girls in a creepy sort of way.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:35:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:31:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
it's why they make the IPOD 'don't fucking talk to me you scumbag' model
-------------------------
What colors does that come in?
------------------------
"I Have a Knife" red
"Sod Off" green
"Eat Me" blue
and "Touch Me and I'll Kill You" Yellow
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:35:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:31:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:28:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Get yourself some headphones. I understand completely
----
it's why they make the IPOD 'don't fucking talk to me you scumbag' model
-------------------------
What colors does that come in?
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:28:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Get yourself some headphones. I understand completely
----
it's why they make the IPOD 'don't fucking talk to me you scumbag' model
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:28:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Get yourself some headphones. I understand completely, see here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/90785 (shameless linkwhore)
------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some a while ago, but I've yet to transfer all my music onto CD, it's a project for this weekend.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get yourself some headphones. I understand completely, see here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/90785 (shameless linkwhore)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm from Seattle.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is why I bring a book on the bus. they talk, i tap the book
works out fairly well
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:55:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:40:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:34:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
Should've spent that money on a car, not at the mall. Have you considered a moped? Or a scooter?
---------------------------------------------------------
I considered a moped, but I live in Seattle and drenching rain would be bad for looking professional at work. Plus I live about 50 miles from my office, so bus is a bit cheaper than gas.
-------------------------------------------------------
Well then you're just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it, aren't ya? Isn't that a lovely thought? Sucking up all that drool... mmmmm.. wow, grossed myself out, sorry.
I hope you never have to sit next to a fat man on a bus again.
-------------------------------------------
I gagged a bit there.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's why you should arm yourself with a handgun and long bladed knife to stab and/or ruthlessly calm down any of the said 'drooling bitches from outer space'.
Yep.
Submitted by ChalupaTres (user info) at 2007-02-21 15:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 bullpits.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:40:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:34:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
Should've spent that money on a car, not at the mall. Have you considered a moped? Or a scooter?
---------------------------------------------------------
I considered a moped, but I live in Seattle and drenching rain would be bad for looking professional at work. Plus I live about 50 miles from my office, so bus is a bit cheaper than gas."
Well then you're just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it, aren't ya? Isn't that a lovely thought? Sucking up all that drool... mmmmm.. wow, grossed myself out, sorry.
I hope you never have to sit next to a fat man on a bus again.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sack_of_Antlers (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the situation, I felt your pain... or the drool. It was definitely one of the two.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
got it... the divots in the floor..
makes sense now
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:34:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
Should've spent that money on a car, not at the mall. Have you considered a moped? Or a scooter?
---------------------------------------------------------
I considered a moped, but I live in Seattle and drenching rain would be bad for looking professional at work. Plus I live about 50 miles from my office, so bus is a bit cheaper than gas.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:36:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
much better.
but divited? is that a new word? I couldn't figure it out from context.
---------------------------------------------------------------
divoted i think? Meant to spell check but boss was bugging me to do real work so I didn't get teh chance. Basically the ruts in the floor of the bus. Ruts that was the frickin word I was lookin for. Thanks Crystle :)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should have taken him out for chockamut ice creams.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:34:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
You have a few really well put together phrases here and a lot of really poorly put together phrases. I enjoyed the spirit of the post, but its very sloppy and you couldve drawn alot more humor out of it I think. Try to remember that diction and syntax do matter.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks a ton, constructive criticism is definitely appreciated.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:36:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
much better.
but divited? is that a new word? I couldn't figure it out from context.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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Hypnotizing Drool or Why I Hate the Bus
Category: Humor
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Submitted by tiaprae (View user info) at 2007-02-21 14:30:23
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately had to go to the mall to spend loads of non-existant money, so after work I hopped onto the Metro. Shortly after I sit down (near the front so I can make my dramatic exit as soon as possible) I hear an odd sound. (Imagine that cartoon where the main character is some how thrown into a pit with a bull? And the bull has steam coming out its nose? It was a lot like that sound.)
I look up from the floor (which is my friend on the bus so I can avoid moments like I'm about to have) to see this rather well...large...man get on the bus. He's huffing and puffing as he tries to reach the seat. Instant thought comes to mind "Why the fuck did I sit in the front of the bus."
He looks over at me, I smile politely (that's what you do isn't it?) and set my gaze back on the floor. Rather than sitting across from me he chooses to sit right next to me. (bloody fucking perfect)
I'm fine though, ground has captivated me enough, until I hear laughter from outside. Instinctively I look out the front of the bus, where "Ricky" is seated. I see clear drool coming from the side of his lip. And notice that it seems as though his eyes are fighting over who can look at his nose the longest.
I can't stop staring at the drool. How does some one drool? If they had a problem, wouldn't they carry a napkin with them or something? I don't know if I could leave the house with half a gallon of saliva hanging off my face.
At this point, I realize not only has he noticed that I'm staring, but he is eying my leg. Faint thoughts of rape by retard come to mind, so I instantly return back to the green green floor. The floor is my friend...
"How are you doing?" Now this was far less coherant than you may realize, it sounded more like a "hhhoooww eerrrr yooooou dong".
"Uhm...alright..." The floor was my secret-awesome-lover-man and I was trying to look into it's divited eyes until he noticed my obvious "girl does not want to talk to you" behavior.
"Where are you going?" (again this was almost inaudible, but it's pretty simple to imagine).
I have to look up at him. I'm staring at the drool as I talk, why is drool so fucking stupefying?
"The mall."
"Where do you go to school?" So to put this straight, he looks around 35 (and that's being nice), he's staring at my leg, and he thinks I'm in high school. The red flags with CREEP written on them in bold black letters were fluttering around my skull.
"I don't, I work."
"Where do you work."
I tell him where I work and answer all the questions he asks (including my name, his is Ricky. Ricky Retardo)
"So would you want to catch a movie some time?"
"I'm sorry...I'm uhm...taken.."
"Oh you're taken?"
"Yea"
I pull out my phone and start writing a text to my friend for emergency phone call, but luckily her psychic abilities already alerted her, and my phone rang.
I hate the frickin bus.
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Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:34:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Should've spent that money on a car, not at the mall. Have you considered a moped? Or a scooter?
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-02-21 14:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You have a few really well put together phrases here and a lot of really poorly put together phrases. I enjoyed the spirit of the post, but its very sloppy and you couldve drawn alot more humor out of it I think. Try to remember that diction and syntax do matter.