Fuck Larry (462 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.72 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by paul_anthony (View user info) at 2007-02-22 05:51:09 EST
Hi Uber,
I'm not really a funny guy, I mean I look funny and I get laughed at constantly but thats mostly because of the way I look.
I know jokes and stuff but they aren't funny -
A man walked into a bar and said "Ouch!"
Guys?
Okay so a few people have clicked off the post already, I can handle that.
I always find it hard when I'm first introduced to someone, They say you can only make first impressions once so how am I doing so far?
Guys? Anyone?
Okay... So a few more people have dropped a -2 and left. Thats cool, thats alright, I have thick skin, being a faggot you gotta have thick skin.
"I'm Gay" - Oi I remember that talk with my folks, its hard having four daughters and just one son. Its even harder when that one son stops playing sports and joins the performing arts group at school at age 14. Apparently its even harder if your parents are Jewish and were hoping you'd be a Rabbi.
"Why can't you just be in the closet? I saw all these men on Oprah who had wives and they were homosexual" Mom had said matter of factly.
She said she always knew I was different but had hoped I'd have enough respect for her and the family to keep it on the 'downlow' - Yes she had actually used the term downlow, after seeing it on the Oprah special.
My father was very upset, thinking I had condemned the family bloodline to Hell. At the time I remember he invited an Aunt and Uncle and our Rabbi around to talk some sense into me. Yep, after being attracted to men ever since I can remember a stern talking to would certainly do the trick.
If you have a progressive Rabbi then they will ask you to attend counselling and try to guilt you into being straight. If you have an old school Rabbi they will not even look at directly and will basically ask your family to exile you from the community. No more tradles :(
Our Rabbi was okay, thinking I was going through a stage and commanded I go to counselling which was some of the gayest advice I ever heard... But, I digress...
This story is really going nowhere, and this post is meant to be about Larry.
I have a good memory when it comes to people who I have feel have wronged me and I always go a bit further than what is strictly necessary.
I have this one co worker Larry, big, fat obnoxious arrogant etc. I can't even remember why I dislike him, I mean there is plenty of reasone to dislike him, but I can't remember the specific one that set me off.
I work in a office that has those fake plants, you know, the ones that improve workers morale? Yeah those ones.
One day I watched as Larry thumped his way from the front desk to his open cubicle and sat down, he looked at the plant next time and let out an exasperated sigh.
"WHO PUT THIS PLASTIC PLANT NEXT TO MY DESK? IT INVADES MY PERSONAL SPACE" He yelled to no-one in particular before he got up and, using his short stump-like fat arms pushed it towards a window.
AHA! I thought, Larry does not like the plastic plants!
The next day, I moved a big, tall, bushy plant over near his desk and filled up the base or pot to the brim with water, The plastic plant was embedded in one pot and then the whole thing had been placed into another pot to match the decor, the thing was the size of a small bathtub and once all the water was inside it weighed a crap load. I used an empty water cooler bottle to fill it and must have refilled that about 8 or 9 times.
Larry came trudging in the office at around 10am that day.
As I saw his fat face come around the corner I honestly felt bad for a second, then I remembered I held a grudge against this guy for some reason, so fuck him.
Larry waddled up to his desk and let out a sigh "ITS HERE AGAIN INVADING MY PERSONAL SPACE" he had a dry monotone voice and he had to breathe after every second word.
He put his bag down and shuffled over to the plant, nudging the base a little.
When it didn't budge he heaved up his gut, pulled up his pants slightly and bent down, putting his shoulder into the trunk of the fake plant.
"UUUUHHHH" he grunted. Here we go I thought as I held a mug to my mouth to stop from laughing.
"UUUHHHHH" grunts Larry, as he pushes against the base and plant with all his might... Oh fuck this it...
WOOOOOSHHHHHHH
It was like a scene from the poseidon adventure as a river of water flooded a corner of the office, Larry had hit the ground with the plant next to him, and was covered in water, as was the floor and a few cubicles opposite his.
"LARRY. WHAT THE FUCK?" A coworker yelled.
Poor Larry was toing and froing like a whale stranded at low tide, the poor guy looked like a turtle who couldn't roll over and was slowly flailing his arms and legs in the air.
"OH THERE WAS WATER IN THAT" stated Larry who was absolutely bewildered.
I ran over to help him out, the poor man. We almost needed a forklift to pick him up, the guy was absolutely soaked from head to toe.
"How did this happen?" asked our line manager,
"Poor Larry's soaking wet - there's no time for silly questions, we'll be lucky if he doesn't sue!" I cried, helping my pal Larry to his seat.
"SUE?" said Larry, his ears perking up a bit.
"It must have been the cleaners - stupid Mexicans thought it was a real plant" Said a co-worker.
"Actually the plant near my desk had water in it last week as well" Said I backing up the story.
Mexican cleaners who can't speak English are excellent scapegoats.
Larry got to go home after that and took the rest of the day off, the carpet in that part of the office smelt terrible for the rest of the time I worked there, and poor Rosita got a grilling that afternoon as well.
User Reviews
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-03-15 12:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Because you're still a jew-fag, and you've now got a nigger mate
Submitted by Slash (user info) at 2007-03-15 11:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because you're a jewish faggot.
Submitted by paul_anthony (user info) at 2007-03-15 11:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that is SO childish below
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-03-15 07:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
because you are a jewish faggot
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-03-04 02:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Great stuff.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-04 02:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-02-25 19:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Poor Larry's soaking wet - there's no time for silly questions, we'll be lucky if he doesn't sue!" I cried, helping my pal Larry to his seat.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-22 18:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-22 17:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Welcome to Ubersite
Submitted by paul_anthony (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:49:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:20:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
The first 1/3 of this was unnecessary.
______
Duly noted
Submitted by paul_anthony (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-22 06:15:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd have +2'd it, but I have no sense of humour when it comes to racism.
PC, shove it down your throat!
_________
You need to check the definition of racism!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-02-22 14:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Larry!!!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-02-22 14:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to be, Rabbi.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the revenge on fat coworkers
-1 for boring start
Submitted by X-File (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Baron Harkonnen lives!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:20:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
The first 1/3 of this was unnecessary.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The first 1/3 of this was unnecessary.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-22 07:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't click off because you were gay or because you had shitty jokes. I stopped reading because I lost interest.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-02-22 07:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by FeeFieFoeFum (user info) at 2007-02-22 06:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Rambled a bit at the start but got a laugh :D
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-22 06:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd have +2'd it, but I have no sense of humour when it comes to racism.
PC, shove it down your throat!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-22 06:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha Fuck I laughed. Stay it's fun here.
*Why can't you just be in the closet? I saw all these men on Oprah who had wives and they were homosexual" Mom had said matter of factly*
that part made me spit coffee. Damn you for not conforming.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-02-22 06:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 05:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about paul_anthony
User id: 30264
Registered on or around: 2007-02-21 05:09:29
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 1
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0
And : Rating: 2 on 1 review
Thats 2 on 2 now ... Welcome to Uber . Looks like a good start , here !
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-02-22 05:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto gay-son of abraham -2.
Welcome to uber.
Submitted by jet_stream_nz (user info) at 2007-02-22 05:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment