The Crystal Maze (766 hits)
Category: Movies & TVLabels: strange_telly
Rating: 1.82 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (View user info) at 2007-02-22 08:17:17 EST
Partially inspired by: http://www.ubersite.com/m/98988
The Crystal Maze, what a show, and one I actually remember seeing as a child and thinking, why is that man so weird looking? I speak, of course, of Richard O'Brien, legendary creator of the Rocky Horror Show and the duff sequel that nobody likes to remember. While Rocky Horror might have been his finest big screen hour, all children who weren't peasants in the 90's and had things like electricity and a telly probably saw The Crystal Maze.
While it's certainly not as bizarre as the above mentioned Terrahawks, it's... ah fuck it, it was pretty bizarre. Richard O'Brien leading a bunch of useless cunts through four different themed zones, Medieval, Aztec, Futuristic and Industrial (which was replaced, foolishly, by the lame Ocean in '94). Whilst in these different zones three or four challenges would have to be completed. One of the team of six hapless participants (led by a complete tool of a captain) would be selected to play a game that fell into one of the following categories; physical, mental, skill or mystery (wooooo!). The aim of the games, which were time limited, was to collect a paper weight, sorry, crystal, to buy the team 5 seconds of time in 'THE CRYSTAL DOME', not O'Briens head, rather a large, perspex dome. More on that later.
The beauty of the challenges was that most of them were incredibly tricky, and that the pay off was a measly 5 seconds of time. A thoroughly British concept. If you didn't complete your challenge in time, or were a complete dingus and fucked it up, you'd be locked in. Hilarious, usually, because the rest of your team would usually choose to leave you to rot in your self appointed cell rather than waste a precious paper weight 'buying you out' to compete in the rest of the games. Essentially then, if you proved that you couldn't walk across a plank of wood with a little key, unlock a big massive box, complete the mystery puzzle contained therein and then get back to the little wooden door blindfolded inside a minute and a half, then clearly, you weren't cut out for the serious business of the Maze.
The poor fucker selected to play the task in hand would be given a vociferous stream of 'helpful advice' from their team mates, mostly bellowed through windows and consisting of such remarks as 'NOT THAT WAY THE OTHER WAY MOVE IT A LITTLE TO THE LEFT AND THEN SWING THAT THING ON YOUR RIGHT AND YOU'LL GET IT' which is what I usually say to my woman during sex, but in the case of the Maze resulted in the poor contestant usually fucking everything up and going 'Oh no! I can't do it!', dicking about for a wee while and then running out of the door weeping, or getting locked in. Later in the series the concept of automatic lock ins was introduced, if you got 3 strikes or touched the floor or whatever you couldn't get out NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS or something.
The best thing about the show overall was by far O'Brien. He'd rip the piss out of the incompetence of conetestants, play harmonica, and occasionally talk to his alcoholic 'mother' in the Medieval stage. His harmonica technique was second to none, and his mother had massive tits. Great success.
After all the wailing and gnashing of teeth and vain attempts to get more than 15 seconds of time within 'THE CRYSTAL DOME', contestants would actually be allowed the luxury of going to the Dome. To win a brilliant (shit) prize all they had to do was collect a ludicrous total like 100 gold tokens. However, all the silver tokens they collected were subtracted from the final gold total. The method of collection really casts this final challenge in an interesting light.
1) Contestants enter massive dome thingy.
2) Richard O'Brien says, in a majestic voice, 'Would you start the fans, PLEASE!'
3) Fans begin, hurling little flashes of gold and silver all around the worried looking contestants.
4) Contestants being jumping about like lame ducks, flailing about grabbing shit, then stuffing it into a wee triangular box.
5) Fans stop, participants troop out, the count begins.
6) Chew nails with excitement.
After an implausibly short amount of time, Mr. O'Brien stands with a look of sardonic glee on his face and holds (usually) a massive stack of silver paper, and about 3 gold slips.
On the rare occasion that the contestants managed to win enough gold, they'd usually be sent on some kind of adventure weekend. Most contestants looked bitterly disappointed by this as a reward for their troubles.
If you didn't win, you got a paper weight with 'I Cracked the Crystal Maze 19whatever'. A constant and bitter reminder that you'd actually failed but got a consolation prize anyway.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, the first ever episode:
Part 1: http://youtube.com/watch?v=1spCBvHKsfg
Part 2: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ViT86KTY4q0&mode=related&search=
Part 3: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cha-yNO96q4&mode=related&search=
Part 4: http://youtube.com/watch?v=uAtriJx239A&mode=related&search=
Part 5: http://youtube.com/watch?v=XRB2ztvBzMw&mode=related&search=
Part 6: http://youtube.com/watch?v=aqLz4EyCw6w&mode=related&search=
They didn't have automatic lock ins during the first show, which is why they did pretty well.
Oh, and it's about an hour long, so make sure you're comfy!
Again for those without youTube at work:
User Reviews
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-13 15:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy christ, his clothes look like the Cat's in early red dwarf!
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-07 10:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-03-07 10:38:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-07 09:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-07 08:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, am i crazy, or did your last post dissappear?
I'm crazy. I mixed you up with phuzzygish...
Zen called. Liberator is delayed...
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??????????????????
This was a prime example of my incoherency. You both have a 'U' in your names, and my chaotic mind mixed them up. The result ; me making an ass of myself...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-03-07 10:38:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-07 09:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-07 08:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, am i crazy, or did your last post dissappear?
I'm crazy. I mixed you up with phuzzygish...
Zen called. Liberator is delayed...
==================
??????????????????
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-07 09:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-07 08:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, am i crazy, or did your last post dissappear?
I'm crazy. I mixed you up with phuzzygish...
Zen called. Liberator is delayed...
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-07 08:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, am i crazy, or did your last post dissappear?
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-02-28 18:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-23 22:08:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
I wrote a whole Dad's Army post, then Firefox crashed. Damn my old laptop, and damn me for being too drunk to do a new one.
too bad ! Next time use a memory stick for backups !
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-23 22:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wrote a whole Dad's Army post, then Firefox crashed. Damn my old laptop, and damn me for being too drunk to do a new one.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-02-23 06:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
leopard print scarf = auto +2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 19:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-22 17:47:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have nothing whatsoever to contribute. I 've just always wondered why JoeyG's stories are so brilliant and his reviews are just....blegh.
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His review hit the nail on the head dude.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-02-22 17:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-22 17:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have nothing whatsoever to contribute. I 've just always wondered why JoeyG's stories are so brilliant and his reviews are just....blegh.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:41:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I'm more of a 'Dad's Army' kinda guy, but this is good, nonetheless
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Fuckin' hell, I should totally do a Mannering post!
Jake, your team looked shite the night, but well done.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I'm more of a 'Dad's Army' kinda guy, but this is good, nonetheless
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem to be Posting more. You are clearly bored
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-02-22 13:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
here here
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:13:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Aztec Zone ftw!
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Follow me, gringos!
Blackburn Rovers ftw!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aztec Zone ftw!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had forgotten all about this. I used to scream like hell at the contestants for being so rubbish at catching the money.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still great memories.
Hahaha 4 in a row, Uber Connect 4 winner woohoo.
"I would like to dedicate this to my mom, my dad(whichever milkman you may be) and of course God." *weeps*
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:36:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
that looks terrible.
So terrible I will probably watch the youtube clips at home.
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It should be terrible. Somehow, it isn't.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that looks terrible.
So terrible I will probably watch the youtube clips at home.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:45:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:43:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're quite a sucker for Classic fiction and such , heh?
I bet you like Blake's 7 aswell !
Cheers ! Cool post .
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Blake's 7 rocks my fucking world. Expect a post.
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Blake 7, yes!!!
I agree with JoeyG. The crystal maze was ruined by Edward Tudor Cock (ass sniffer)
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:53:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Now , how did i know you were going to say that ? I must be clairvoyant ....
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I like old stuff so much I'm off to play Soul Calibur on my Dream Cast. MY SOUL LIVES ON!
It's good to know , there are quality conservatists around , or it would get lost for the 'next generation'. (and that's also a great fiction series!)
I managed to get my hands on the wizard (1972,bakshi) , great entertainment !
Looking forward to that Blake's post !
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:59:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:53:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Now , how did i know you were going to say that ? I must be clairvoyant ....
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I like old stuff so much I'm off to play Soul Calibur on my Dream Cast. MY SOUL LIVES ON!
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Or as the guy in the intro bit calls it "THOUL CALIBURRR"
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now , how did i know you were going to say that ? I must be clairvoyant ....
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I like old stuff so much I'm off to play Soul Calibur on my Dream Cast. MY SOUL LIVES ON!
Submitted by mr-bee (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder how mumsy is? I always thought it a tad weird that he kept his mum locked in a cell in the medieval zone.
START THE FANS!!
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:45:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:43:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're quite a sucker for Classic fiction and such , heh?
I bet you like Blake's 7 aswell !
Cheers ! Cool post .
==========
Blake's 7 rocks my fucking world. Expect a post.
Now , how did i know you were going to say that ? I must be clairvoyant ....
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:43:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're quite a sucker for Classic fiction and such , heh?
I bet you like Blake's 7 aswell !
Cheers ! Cool post .
==========
Blake's 7 rocks my fucking world. Expect a post.
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Classic show, and proof that women have no idea how to control and RC car.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're quite a sucker for Classic fiction and such , heh?
I bet you like Blake's 7 aswell !
Cheers ! Cool post .
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always wanted to go on that show.
Then they replaced O'Brien with that Ed Tudor-Pole guy, and the whole thing became shite overnight.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ignorance not feigned.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:21:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:19:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
GET OUT GET OUT!
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NEVER!!! I CAN DO IT!!!! *Door Locks*
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-22 08:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GET OUT GET OUT!