The war of the chickens (596 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.29 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2007-02-22 10:02:55 EST
I'm not very pleasant in the mornings. I grump about for at least half an hour and sulk for another forty-five minuets. I resent being pulled from my bed and have been known to go to extraordinary lengths to avoid getting up. The morning in question was no exception. I dragged myself down stairs and slumped over the kettle, casting mournful glances back towards the stairs and the direction of my bed. It wasn't the warmest of mornings and I regretted leaving my slippers undisturbed by my bed. Wrapping my fluffy white dressing gown closer, I tapped my fingers impatiently and waited for the water to boil.
That's when I heard it. The most God awful shrieking noise that was loud enough to make the glasses rattle on the shelf. Unfortunately I knew exactly what the noise meant. That noise meant that I was in for a day of first class, no escaping it, hot, steaming shit.
I dropped the teaspoon on the counter and ran as fast as I could on the kitchen tiles to the back of the house. There I donned my Wellington boots and hurled myself in the direction of the garden. Carnage greeted me as I flew towards the ruckus, dressing gown flapping in the wind, rain tearing at my hair and my wellies making disgusting noises due to my bare feet.
I was too late again. Two were already dead and the other was just having its head bitten off as I ran shouting my head off towards Bugby. It was obvious my neighbour Jane had left her chickens out again last night and unfortunately the little buggers had obviously been watching the great escape, as they ended up in my garden. It wouldn't happen if she took better care of them, how hard is it to put them safely away at night, or to fence off your garden properly so they can't escape? I wouldn't normally have a problem with the chickens coming over and having a root around, but I have Bugby now and that changes things slightly.
Bugby is a very excitable and stupidly loveable boarder collie cross and wouldn't worry another living thing, until it breaches her boarders and makes itself a target in her garden. When I arrived at the scene, among all the feathers and dead chickens, there was Bugby. So proud of herself for all she had done. She just trotted over and dropped the headless bird at my feet.
After banishing Bugby to the house, I went back out side to collect the bodies. Here's where the dilemma lay. Jane has already threatened to shoot Bugby if she kills another of her chickens. This is beyond unreasonable as Bugby can do what ever the hell she wants to them if they are coming over in to my garden. Jane doesn't see it this way and ever since things have been somewhat strained in the neighbour department. We had a row only a week ago after the chap she got round to re-slate her roof, dropped some of the slates through the glass room at the back of the house. So I'm somewhat reluctant to go round there and present her with three dead birds.
In the end I went over and handed back her chickens. I tried to keep it civil, but to no avail as it turned into a blazing row anyway. She actually wants me to replace her chickens. I not so politely declined and round it went in circles again. Nostrals flared and her arms waved in the air as she ranted about law and order of that land. I'm sure this woman is on drugs because there is no way I can be held accountable for any of this. I attempted to calm the situation down, but it just aggravated her further. I probably shouldn't of called her a hateful, ignorant bitch, but that's what she is. In the end I gave up and stalked off in the direction of my house, only to have one of the dead carcasses whistle past my ear. Luckily it missed me all together, other wise there would have been a brawl there and then in the mud. Instead I just continued to stomp back to the warmth of my kitchen muttering all the obscenities I knew, not caring if she heard. If this bitch wants a fight, I'll give her one.
The war of the chickens has begun.
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User Reviews
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-26 10:45:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-02-24 23:40:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I secretly want to marry you.
__________________
Really!??!?!?! Happy Days!
Don't tell Lungfish, I'm supposed to be engaged to him. Oh the dilema...............*wonders away to ponder the difficulties of life*
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-02-24 23:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I secretly want to marry you.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-24 21:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this LittleMonster. War of the Chickens. Brilliant! More, more, more :)
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-23 12:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should take one of the dead chickens heads and place it in the bed next to her while shes asleep
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 22:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:56:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
Perhaps if you purchase a roll or two of chicken wire and offer to help install it on her side of the fence, you'll be friends again. Especially if you mention that chasing and killing chickens is both great exercise for the dog, and a good way to cut down your dog food bill.
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whoooa buddy. I have already spent alot of money fencing in the garden. It would be sick to do otherwise considering whats going on. I'm not cruel.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 22:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Love you lungfish, will be more objective in the morning to everyone else.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-22 21:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have written something sweet before, but I had popcorn butter all over my fingers. How's this?:
"She's beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is woman, and therefore to be won"
Shakespeare.
Jesus.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-02-22 19:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
does your dog leave chicken shit?
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-02-22 18:59:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:30:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:27:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:25:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
for wasting the uber bandwidth.
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Look whose fucking talking
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-22 18:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-22 16:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:27:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:25:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
for wasting the uber bandwidth.
---------------
Look whose fucking talking
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-02-22 13:45:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Throw the chicken bodies over in her yard, then say it must have been raccoons.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-22 13:26:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-02-22 13:02:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Perhaps if you purchase a roll or two of chicken wire and offer to help install it on her side of the fence, you'll be friends again. Especially if you mention that chasing and killing chickens is both great exercise for the dog, and a good way to cut down your dog food bill.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Meant to +1 it, but because I zeroed it, welcome to your +2.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really am having this war with my neighbour...She has already killed one cat by leaving rat poisen down un gaurded..
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Aside from a pleasant plea to proofread,
SHE KILLED YOUR CAT??
Or just a cat?
In the case of the first, she needs to be shot in both kneecaps and left outside for her chickens to shit on.
In the case of the second, one kneecap will do.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-22 12:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:51:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:47:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
wait..the guy who was reslating HER house broke some of the windows on YOUR back room? and HER chickens crossed (I'm assuming) a fence, and your dog killed some, and she wants you to REPLACE them?
What is wrong with this bitch?
___________________
*blows kisses and dances around*
My point exactly!!! Thank you Coley, I needed someone to share my exasperation
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Anytime, LM. We non-crazy chicks must stick together.
Submitted by fruity_tootie (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:56:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a really good author! Our rottie used to tear up the neighbor's chickens.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:47:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
wait..the guy who was reslating HER house broke some of the windows on YOUR back room? and HER chickens crossed (I'm assuming) a fence, and your dog killed some, and she wants you to REPLACE them?
What is wrong with this bitch?
___________________
*blows kisses and dances around*
My point exactly!!! Thank you Coley, I needed someone to share my exasperation
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wait..the guy who was reslating HER house broke some of the windows on YOUR back room? and HER chickens crossed (I'm assuming) a fence, and your dog killed some, and she wants you to REPLACE them?
What is wrong with this bitch?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:31:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
She cares enough about her chickens to throw their dead bodies at you.
Is there anything you can put in her coop that will kill the chickens slowly and painfully? Like aresenic... or fire?
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um, I'm not really up for making the chickens suffer. I'm not like that. I will however put nasty things in her food. That would give me great joy.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2007-02-22 11:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She cares enough about her chickens to throw their dead bodies at you.
Is there anything you can put in her coop that will kill the chickens slowly and painfully? Like aresenic... or fire?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:34:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well never let the truth stand in the way of a good story. Use this as a start of a series perhaps and develop revenge on the neighbor or something.
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I really am having this war with my neighbour. This incident happend a while back, but the war between us continues. She has already killed one cat by leaving rat poisen down un gaurded, and I caughter her scattering it on my side of the fense only about two weeks ago. Shes an evil bitch.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well never let the truth stand in the way of a good story. Use this as a start of a series perhaps and develop revenge on the neighbor or something.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks. What is that guys problem?
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to counter this wasteofspace-
"Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:25:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
for wasting the uber bandwidth."
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:25:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
for wasting the uber bandwidth.
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Look whose fucking talking
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:25:02 (#)
Ranking: -2
for wasting the uber bandwidth
--
You would think, looking at this persons contributions here, that he would know all about wasting the bandwidth.
Sadly he is mistaken. Take no notice of him.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:23:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
This had a nice build to something good. In the ending paragraph, I think most of the "good" you were building up to was rushed through and good have been developed more.
__________
I agree. Worked called, so I knocked it out and let it go. I really must stop that.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Handicap asshole below.
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:25:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
for wasting the uber bandwidth.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This had a nice build to something good. In the ending paragraph, I think most of the "good" you were building up to was rushed through and good have been developed more.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You write well. I'm guessing there'll be a scoff about the mention of mud wrestling. If you took this in that direction it'd probably be received a lot better...
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:11:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
Get yourself to McDonalds, buy her a 12 piece nugget meal. Sorted.
________________
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by pannerplant (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:12:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I loled negative twice
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Get yourself to McDonalds, buy her a 12 piece nugget meal. Sorted.
Submitted by Sack_of_Antlers (user info) at 2007-02-22 10:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I lol'd. Once.