Fucking up Larrys day (186 hits)
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Submitted by paul_anthony (View user info) at 2007-02-23 06:27:30 EST
Larry.
Ah Larry, you big fat redundant cross eyed fuck.
He was terribly easy to wind up, and to tell you the truth it was kind of like picking on a child, but it made my 2 years at a small telco company fly past.
After I posted about him yesterday I remembered all the things I had done to the guy, for no other reason than when I first started he really pissed me off somehow - I honestly don't remember what it was exactly...
The guy could get on my nerves so easily he should have won an award, he had no concept of private space, personal boundaries or what type of conversation was socially acceptable at any given time.
He also breathed all day through his mouth, his tongue would just peep out from under his moustache and he would pant out these long extended breathes all day long.
I stopped eating Krispy Kreme donuts within one week of working with him. He was a walking poster child for Type 2 diabetes, cholesterol and cardiovascular disease. I think he'd been on the 'super size me' diet since childhood and now his obese frame imposed on me daily.
He was also the type of person to get mail sent directly to our office, which was against the rules but he was the type of person to impose himself onto the workplace like that. He got credit card statements, phone bills and even his AOL bill sent care of the office.
*shudder*
Wow, just thinking about him just now creeps me out...
About a month after the incident where he landed on the floor covered in water (see previous post) I decided to play a small prank on him, just a quick 'phony letter' prank to brighten up my week.
The biggest item in the news that week had been the massive class action against consumers caught downloading music from livewire and other sites.
I remember one article about a grandmother who had received a letter from a record company or lawyer demanding payment of about $9000 for music her grandchildren had downloaded over a two year period. The article included a shot of the letter of demand, a very good shot in fact, and I decided to print it out and scan it onto a fake letterhead, add Larrys name and home address and post it off to him.
I included a few details such as AOL being his Internet service provider, and listed a few of the songs in question - basically a few country and western albums which (as this was his favourite music) would add some authenticity.
I used an envelope I had just received with a used stamp and date mark etc. and carefully placed the letter inside and re-sealed it.
I sent it to the front desk as misdirected mail and waited for someone to send it over to Larry.
"HMMMMM WHATS THIS" Larry said in his big stupid monotone voice. He jotted something down on a pad to his left, probably a note to remind him to complain to his superior about mail being late (yes that was the kind of arrogant fuck he was).
I watched as his fat thumbs tried to pry open the envelope before he gave up (fucking quitter) and reached for a letter opener, with his tongue sticking out and eyes at peak cross over point he fumbled with it until it opened.
He sighed and let out a deep breath, the physical work had obviously been to much for him.
His mouth dropped open as he read each sentence under his breathe.
He finally got to the end and turned the letter over.
"DUH?" The poor guy seemed quite confused, perhaps it had gone over his head, I should have just sent a picture of a cock instead I thought.
He turned to the guy sitting to him:
"WHAT DOES THIS MEAN" he panted,
Mike looked it over quickly,
"Shit man, do you rip songs of the net?"
"DUH" replied Larry innocently, nodding his head up and down.
"Man, you're fucking busted - this is a letter from a lawyer and shit, you gotta pay for the shit you download now Larry"
"BUT HOW DO THEY KNOW?" His facial expression hadn't changed at all underneath all that fat he might have been frowning but it was hard to tell.
"Fucking IP address Larry, you use AOL?"
"DUH" nods Larry
"That's it man, a whole bunch of people have gotten these letters"
"BUT $900 DOLLARS?"
"Fuck its not $900 dude its like $9000!"
"GAH?" Larry sat back and stared straight out a window, no emotion, nothing.
"IT SAYS I DOWNLOADED KEITH URBAN AND GARTH BROOKS, WHAT IF I GIVE THEM BACK?"
"Fuck man ring them, ring your lawyer I don't know"
Not for a second did he think it was a prank, the poor stupid SOB.
He just stared around the room, watching everyone else work.
"I'D BETTER RING LEGAL"
Fuck! Fucking Larry, we had an inhouse legal department that deals with... well legal shit I guess and Larry was going to ring them?
"I don't know if they'll help you, I mean we aren't really meant to ring them anyway Larry"
But Larry was already dialing an extension.
I made sure to walk past his desk every few minutes and listen in,
"BUT SURELY THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO?"
"NO THEY AREN'T SUING THE COMPANY THEY ARE SUING ME"
"BUT I WORK FOR THE COMPANY DOESN'T THAT COUNT?"
"WELL WE HAVE A DENTAL PLAN, DON'T WE HAVE A LEGAL PLAN TOO?"
"THEY SENT ME THE LETTER AT WORK, SO CAN'T YOU DEAL WITH IT"
"CANN YOU AT LEAST SEND A DONUT OR PASTRY DOWN HERE?"
On and on, the fucking guys excuses were weaker than a day old bird, he sat on the phone for an hour to the legal department, then rang his parents and whined about it to them.
The prank was funny, but playing out a bit longer than I had anticipated.
Most of the office had googled news articles and emailed them to Larry, which served only to reinforce the fact that the letter was serious and he was going to have to cough up 9 grand.
"Larry" I said "Buddy - ring the lawyers and find out if they even have proof that you downloaded all this shit"
"HMMMM" pondered Larry, staring off into space.
"Look I'll ring the number for you, ask to speak to the most senior person there"
I dialed the number of the law firm representing the record companies, I figured they would have had numerous calls since the action had started and would readily transfer Larry to whoever was looking after the demands for payment.
"DUH" began Larry, great start Larry you Fucking Imbecile I thought...
He eventually got transferred to a department and spent about 30 minutes whining about the letter and reading pieces of it out.
By this point the prank had actually backfired on me, because he hadn't done any work in about 4 hours and his fucking monotone voice was killing me. If I had to hear the fucker say one more time "HMMM BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND" I would roll him of his chair and beat him to death with his monitor.
By the time I left to go home he was waiting on a callback from the law firm. The next day he took personal leave, which I am sure was spent on the phone to another poor weary soul, each word he spoke drawing the life out of whoever was on the other end.
When he came back to work he was rather triumphant, and informed us all he didn't have to pay a dime. Fuck. Not only had the prank ended up backfiring on me, but I had boosted the fat fucks self esteem as he somehow thought he had won a major legal battle. Move over Erin Brokovich, Larry the walking cholesterol factory was in town.
Larry you cunning fat fuck I thought, obviously a lot smarter than what I had anticipated, turning the tables on me... I would have to get you good next time.....
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User Reviews
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-03-15 07:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
because you really are a dick head
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-04 02:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha good stuff, i love a good prank
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-04 02:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vilkommen
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-23 07:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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