Multiple Personality Disorder Is Definitely The Image We Should Be Projecting For This Company (1905 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.83 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-02-27 05:56:01 EST
The company I work for has down some stupid things in it's time.
But by far the stupidest, were the 'community outreach' projects that were started a few years back. Basically, they involve going out into the community, raising money, doing good deeds in the name of raising the company profile, and thus bringing in more customers and more money.
We've planted gardens at the old folk's home. We've built a wooden girl guide hut, held sponsored events, and a whole load of other things that cost us a fortune in terms of man hours and materials.
The success of these ventures, in terms of increased profitability, has never been documented. But I have a funny feeling we're definitely down on the deal.
One of the first things we ever did was to sponsor a child. Not just a normal African child, who would send you pictures of themselves with flies on their face to guilt trip you into giving more money, but something closer to home.
A handicapped child. A mentally handicapped child at that.
Now, I have no problem with this. If some of my money can be put to helping some poor Down's Syndrome kid, that's fine. Most of my colleagues have some form of cranial disorder, it'd be a shame for the younger generation to turn out the same way.
Everyone who volunteered to the sponsorship of the child, gets £2 a month deducted directly from their payroll, so you never even notice it, and as long as you never have to find out where it goes, you can just live with the warm feeling that you're 'making a difference' somehow.
I was sat at my desk one day, when my manager came over with a sly grin on his face.
"Hey Joey, fancy getting out of the office for a couple of hours?"
Fuck yeah I do. But I know the sneaky fucker too well. He wouldn't just let me out for nothing.
"What's the catch?" I ask.
"You know the money we made over Christmas?"
"Yeah...." We had a fundraiser over the Christmas period, a few whip rounds, some sponsored events, silent auction, that kind of thing. We managed to raise about £2500.
"Well, we're donating it to the same hospital where our sponsored kid stays. We need someone to go over there."
There's that word I hate. Hospital.
"Um....actually, I'm a little busy right now," I said, deftly minimising the Word document that had one of my recent Uber posts on it.
"It won't take long. You just gotta give them the cheque, have your picture taken with the little girl, and you're out of there. Anything you're working on can wait. I insist."
"But -"
"I insist, Joey."
Fuck.
I got someone on the finance team to make out an oversized novelty cheque for £2500 from the company account, and drove over to the hospital. The building itself is a new construction, and looked fairly modern. I pushed the intercom on the front door, and after about 15 minutes someone finally buzzed me in.
I told the receptionist I was looking for Dr Marlow, the head paediatrician who I was supposed to give the cheque to. I took a seat, and eventually the doc showed up.
"Wonderful you could come down! And I must say, we thank you for your generosity......" He glared down at the cheque I held in my hand. He went to take it, and I pulled it back.
"Uh... we're supposed to wait. There's a photographer on the way."
"Very well....and in the meantime, would you like to have a look in our children's ward?"
"Sure, why not." Let's get this over and done with.
We entered the main handicapped children's ward, and I looked at all the kids who seemed happy enough and were playing away.
I surveyed the ranks of children, some playing with nurses, others playing alone, finger painting (or 'arm stump painting' in one example). I've never had to deal with a handicapped child before, and it's easy to laugh and joke, but when you see them all first hand, trying to live out normal lives, you can't help but feel sorry for the poor lil' bastards. I noticed one particularly deformed figure.
"What's wrong with that girl?", I asked, pointing to the stunted looking individual in the corner who seemed a lot older than the other kids. The doc gave me a sharp glare.
"Nothing. That's Nurse Baker."
"Oh....."
Whoops. Change the subject, quick.
"So where's Laura?" I asked. Laura is our sponsored kid.
"We try to keep Laura away from the other children. She's one of our more.....'special' cases. You see, Laura is a paranoid schizophrenic."
"Cool!" The Doc gave me another one of those sharp glares. "I mean.......how very tragic."
"It's very rare in children, and very difficult to diagnose. It's hard to establish the difference between schizophrenia and merely a child's overactive imagination. But we've had experts from all over Europe agree that this is definitely the case. She's 10, and her Mother died 3 years ago. She went into care, and was fine for 12 months. Then, she started changing. Erratic behaviour, suicidal tendancies. She hears voices, and according to brain scan activity, we believe this really is the case. She frequently gets activity happening in the 'suggestive' sector of the brain without any external stimuli. These usually result in temporary violent outbursts."
Suicidal tendancies? Violent Outbursts? Shit....
"So!" He said, suddenly brightening his tone. "Would you like to see Laura?"
Not really, no.
"Um......sure" I lied.
He took me to an office, with glass walls and a glass door.
"Well, here she is."
I looked through the glass window, and there stood a young girl with long blonde hair, standing upright in the middle of the room. She caught my gaze and smiled. I shuddered.
Give her a face mask, and she would be a dead ringer for Hannibal Lector in his cell in 'Silence of the Lambs'.
"She's having a good day today, so just act normal, and you'll be fine. Social interaction is a common part of her therapy. We can see you and monitor you at all times."
"Wait -"
The Doc opened the door, and shoved me into the office. I glanced back at him through the window, and he gave me a double thumbs up and a nerdy smile.
"Hello." I turned around to the innocent sounding voice who was still standing in the middle of the room.
"Er, hi?"
"What's your name?"
"I'm Joey. You must be Laura, right?" I tried one of my 'winning' smiles, but her smiling face changed to a scowl.
"That's what THEY told you, isn't it?" She said, nodding to the doctors in the ward outside.
"Yeah, but...."
"Sit down." She commanded the order like a headmaster admonishing an unruly pupil.
I sat.
"So," I said. "What's it like here?" I noticed that her long hair was actually ragged, as if chunks had been torn out here and there. Also, her fingernails were bitten down to the extreme, and had left her with bloody fingertips.
"Doesn't matter."
"What do you mean?"
She leaned closer to me, and whispered, "Because I'm getting out of here."
"What?"
"Shhhhh! Keep your voice down! Your the guys who sponsor my treatment, right?"
"Right..."
"Well, I send you letters every other week, telling you what they're doing to me. There's a little bit of me in each of those letters. The voices told me what I need to do. I just have to keep cutting, slowly. A bit at a time."
Once again, I noticed the ragged hair and fingernails.
"I don't get it?"
"They told me how to do it! I just send myself, a piece at a time. Eventually, I'm out of here. And you better be there the other end to put me back together, mister." She stared into my eyes, and I felt a cold tingling go down my spine.
"Listen, I think you should -"
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! JUST DO IT, OK, OR ELSE!"
I glanced out of the surrounding windows and tried to catch the eye of one of Dr Marlow or one of the nurses.
"I better go...." I jumped out of the seat and ran out of the glass office like a man possessed, and nearly bumped into Marlow. Behind me, I could hear Laura, laughing like an evil scientist who has just invented a deadly virus.
"So, did everything go alright?"
"Here. just take the cheque! No time for photos!"
I threw the cardboard cheque at him, and left the hospital. I headed back to the office as soon as possible. My manager was waiting.
"Hey, Joey, how did it go?
"Oh, she's quite the character! You should go and see her sometime. You have a lot in common. She's a real example of what this company is about."
"Really?"
"Yeah...."
Completely twisted, two faced, and full of crazy ideas.
I couldn't think of a more appropriate metaphor for this hell hole.
Now, could somebody pass me the Aripiprazole?
User Reviews
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-06 17:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-03-26 16:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, unless I misunderstood, this girl is sending hair and nails to your work once a week? Where the hell did the hair and nails go??
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-03-01 11:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2007-03-01 11:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That made me laugh several times, which is rare. It was also fucking creepy.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-28 13:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-28 04:08:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-27 16:47:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
Wanker who posts worthless shit says: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99186#2328936 FUCK OFF FAGGOT
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wow, how is this helping?
I was being charitable, since this post sucked - I think maybe I'll just hand out -2s on these posts from now on, if only to piss you off, you pussy
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Um, Jonny, you fell for this before, remember? Someone is playing you, and you fell for it.
Again.
I've got better things to do than start shit on the uberboard. If I had something against you, I'd say it outright.
Just breath slow, and count back from 10.
And always remember, Joey loves you, ok?
-----
Yeah, I already know it's not you who put that up there - it's your 'pal' St. Jimmy. I wasn't addressing you, I was talking to the dipshit that put that up on the UberBoard.
It's unfortunate that some idiots feel the need to talk smack because somebody left a +0 on someone's post - if pissing them off means handing out -2s, then that's what I'll do.
I apologize in advance to you, and I will make it up to you somehow.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-28 10:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2007-02-28 10:15:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold. But I think I would have ended it after:
"Oh, she's quite the character! You should go and see her sometime. You have a lot in common."
Joey_G: What do you think? -or do you prefer your ending? (I am actually trying to learn how to write a little. For me, ending it after "...a lot in common." has more impact -- providing one has read carefully to that point. The pic/illustration still works fine.)
----------------------
I can see your point, and it would have worked either way. It's a personal thing. I try not to end my posts with dialogue, but each to their own.
Any feedback always welcomed.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2007-02-28 10:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold. But I think I would have ended it after:
"Oh, she's quite the character! You should go and see her sometime. You have a lot in common."
Joey_G: What do you think? -or do you prefer your ending? (I am actually trying to learn how to write a little. For me, ending it after "...a lot in common." has more impact -- providing one has read carefully to that point. The pic/illustration still works fine.)
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-02-28 09:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my job had random events like that...it would make things interesting for sure!
Submitted by jet_stream_nz (user info) at 2007-02-28 06:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-27 15:27:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
not really amusing.
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Ratings adjustment for this jealous, insignificant, cock-sucking retard.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-28 04:08:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-27 16:47:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
Wanker who posts worthless shit says: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99186#2328936 FUCK OFF FAGGOT
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wow, how is this helping?
I was being charitable, since this post sucked - I think maybe I'll just hand out -2s on these posts from now on, if only to piss you off, you pussy
-------
Um, Jonny, you fell for this before, remember? Someone is playing you, and you fell for it.
Again.
I've got better things to do than start shit on the uberboard. If I had something against you, I'd say it outright.
Just breath slow, and count back from 10.
And always remember, Joey loves you, ok?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-28 04:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-27 22:50:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanker who posts worthless shit says: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99186#2328936 FUCK OFF FAGGOT
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JoeyG, if it was you who posted that on the uberboard, that would have been really sad and pathetic.
good story
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Not guilty. Someone's lame attempt at shenanigans is all.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-02-27 23:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What's wrong with that girl?", I asked, pointing to the stunted looking individual in the corner who seemed a lot older than the other kids. The doc gave me a sharp glare.
"Nothing. That's Nurse Baker."
================
I snorted
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-02-27 23:07:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must admit I found this story quite sad..........I know your not making fun of this girl but I think far too many people do. Not a funny story yet a good one all the same.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-27 22:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanker who posts worthless shit says: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99186#2328936 FUCK OFF FAGGOT
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JoeyG, if it was you who posted that on the uberboard, that would have been really sad and pathetic.
good story
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-27 22:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-02-27 19:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"What's wrong with that girl?", I asked, pointing to the stunted looking individual in the corner who seemed a lot older than the other kids. The doc gave me a sharp glare.
"Nothing. That's Nurse Baker.
--
fucking BOSH
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-27 19:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-27 18:35:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
shut the fuck up JonnyX . This was good
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it was put together well, but I didn't like the subject matter. SO STFU EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-27 18:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shut the fuck up JonnyX . This was good
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-02-27 18:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more Lithium
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-27 17:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-02-27 17:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you
Submitted by Alcoholocaust (user info) at 2007-02-27 17:11:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ritzcrackerjax (user info) at 2007-02-27 17:10:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cool!" ha ha that made me laugh. Good story butthead.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-27 16:47:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wanker who posts worthless shit says: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99186#2328936 FUCK OFF FAGGOT
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wow, how is this helping?
I was being charitable, since this post sucked - I think maybe I'll just hand out -2s on these posts from now on, if only to piss you off, you pussy.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-02-27 15:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally reminds me of the twins from The Shining.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-27 15:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not really amusing.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-02-27 15:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I kept wanting you to do something interesting with the check. Or expose (at least in a humorous way) the false charity of it all, given the 'photo opportunity'.
Or, hell I don't know, maybe it was better off without that stuff. Keep it simple. Either way, good work.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-02-27 14:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of Christmas dinner with the relatives.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-27 13:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another 2 because I had a job interview this morning and I didn't accept the coffee.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-27 12:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment needed
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-27 12:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
always
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2007-02-27 12:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Doc opened the door, and shoved me into the office. I glanced back at him through the window, and he gave me a double thumbs up and a nerdy smile. "
ahahahaha, Pure Platinum
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-02-27 11:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These kinds of tales make me wary of my choice of studies....
Brilliant storytelling as always, Joey.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-27 10:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me when the company I used to work for got all involved with Habitat for Humanity. The idea was to use volunteer time/resources to build a new house for some poor people. Turns out they ended up givng the house to some Mexican guy with a wife and two kids who was currently working as a Registered Nurse! Poor people my ass!
I hate companies.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-27 10:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-02-27 10:21:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent story, makes me wonder where you work...
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Sometimes I wonder myself.....
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-02-27 10:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, "stump painting." There's an APW post waiting to happen.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-02-27 10:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent story, makes me wonder where you work...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-27 09:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:11:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm starting to see what all the fuss is about on JoeyG posts.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-02-27 09:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never a dull pint with you around, Joey.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-27 09:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-27 08:57:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate sharing a bathroom with two girls with overactive bladders who love 40 minute showers.
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I would pay to see that.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-27 08:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate sharing a bathroom with two girls with overactive bladders who love 40 minute showers.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-27 07:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know which is worse, the psycho in the story, or the one posting his address.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-27 07:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alway a spare +2 laying around for Joey.
I'm off to Scotland in 1 hour.. wish me luck !
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-27 07:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-02-27 07:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of a joke I heard once:
A man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs on ladning, is captured by Germans and taken to a POW camp. The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them:
"After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in Englad and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again:
"Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says,
"Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?".
And the German says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:42:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Any vag chunks in yet? Send em to me
Paul Turton
c/o Campus East
PO Box 219
Fairy Meadow 2519
New South Wales
Australia
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Ok, but I'm not sure how fresh they'll be by the time they get to Oz.
Maybe a piece of ass might have a longer "use by" date.
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:42:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Any vag chunks in yet? Send em to me
Paul Turton
c/o Campus East
PO Box 219
Fairy Meadow 2519
New South Wales
Australia
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:11:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy people sure are fun!
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And, for the small price of £2 a month, i'm guessing I get some kind of share in her when she becomes legal.
Maybe.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe She sounds a scream; when she grows up I will marry her. Probably less risky than some of the ladies I have been out with.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy people sure are fun!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-02-27 06:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm starting to see what all the fuss is about on JoeyG posts.