Lotion. (395 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.26 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by garudave <misterkick.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-02-28 00:17:23 EST
Who came up with the name for lotion? I'm sure in some greek fascist sense the word makes sense, but I'm not greek, so I demand an explanation.
Anyway, a friend told me the other day that lotion isn't just for keep my dick intact while I beat it senselessly (her words, not mine), but that I should apply it to my hands as well. Winter skin or no, I yelled at her, I will not lubricate my hands by any conventional means! Rubbing white stuff into one's hands is too effeminate for my tastes.
As if that wasn't homophobic enough, I went on to offer application of said lotion to her breasts.
Leaving that a cliffhanger, I'll go on to say that dry skin is the true nature of man. What's more rugged than scales? Lumberjacks don't use lotion at all, and I'm sure their skin is dryer than shit. While on the subject of lumberjacks, they don't use lubrication either when jerking it (no sex, 'cause women aren't allowed in the woods,) their only lubrication is determination. Look at it this way, though, some of man's most recognized badasses, Killer Croc and Mummy Commando included, are never worried about the way their skin looks.
The reason is simple: you don't need your face feeling like a baby's bottom to kick someone's colon in such a way that it would turn inside out. In fact, there is no practical male application for smooth skin. However, there are many scenarios in which dry skin can be used to befuddle one's enemy. For example... dry, cracked hands can bleed, and when enemies see that you're not frightened by the blood dripping from your hands, they'll freak and, in the words of Bruce Dickinson, run to the hills.
Not to mention, if I spend lotion (and time and energy) to make my hands feel pretty, then I'll have to buy more of it more often, with money that could easily be spent buying medieval weaponry or bionic arms.
In closing, I'll say that lotion is only for my penis. For you (I'm talking to the women here), it's for making sure I don't throw up every time I touch you. CASE CLOSED.
User Reviews
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-02-28 13:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My husband is anti-lotion. I thought it was just him being his neurotic self. Guess not.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-02-28 12:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the post, which was really not too bad.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-28 11:48:49 (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 because I had a friend who ended up being allergic to his lotion.
He had to explain to his girlfriend he did not have syphillis, that it was a reaction to jerking off.
I laughed for days.
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And +1 for that. Haha
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-02-28 11:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 because I had a friend who ended up being allergic to his lotion.
He had to explain to his girlfriend he did not have syphillis, that it was a reaction to jerking off.
I laughed for days.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-28 11:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
o...............k?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-02-28 07:58:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you aren't Maddox, and you aren't funny.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-28 07:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-02-28 06:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ima one this for the randomness.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-28 05:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-02-28 02:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by garudave (user info) at 2007-02-28 00:33:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4Oij377lgzs
I hope this hasn't circulated the internet enough to get me flamed.
Actually, I don't give a shit.
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I've not seen it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-28 01:33:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As you were.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-28 00:39:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by garudave (user info) at 2007-02-28 00:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4Oij377lgzs
I hope this hasn't circulated the internet enough to get me flamed.
Actually, I don't give a shit.
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-02-28 00:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
IT RUBS THE LOTION ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN> YES IT DOES MY PRECIOUS
IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET
IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET
OH PUT THE LOTION IN THE FUCKING BASKET BITCH PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-02-28 00:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 bionic arms. This post deserves a better rating.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-28 00:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh... okay.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-28 00:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it puts the lotion on it's skin
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-28 00:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what's a greek fascist?