Girl Scout Cookie Objective Cookie-By-Cookie Rating (888 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.44 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <murphydog5.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-03-01 00:49:53 EST
Hello, friends.
Before I objectively judge each Girl Scout cookie, I'd like to tell you a story. It's a true story and it happened last week.
I was at work (I manage a pizza joint) rolling out bread sticks. Briefly, to make bread sticks, you make a big glob of dough in a huge mixer by combining flour, tepid water, and yeast and then you cut up the glob in to weighed chunks of dough, then make the dough in to a ball, dust some dusting flour over them, feed them in to a machine to make them thin and then you shape the dough in to a rectangular sheet and put it in to a buttered pan and cut strips. After the strips are cut, you put some more butter on them and then sprinkle with some parmasean cheese and Italian spices and throw them in to the oven. I was cutting the sheet in to strips when my boss walked in the store. She said, almost in passing, "they're selling Girl Scout cookies in front of Albertson's, by the way."
I stopped cutting strips immediately and put the cutter down. This meant only one thing: Samoas.
The last time I put a Samoa cookie in to my mouth was the Winter of '98. I was at a friends house when her Mom said, "hey... anyone want some Samoas?" I didn't know what they were at that point, but after learning that a Samoa was a cookie, I said "yes."
If you have not had a Samoa, please let me explain what it it. A Samoa starts as a round butter cookie with a hole in the center. It is dipped in caramel, topped with toasted coconut and drizzled with chocolate syrup. In my opinion, anyone who hasn't tried a Samoa is three-quarters of the way dead.
Back to the Winter of '98. The Samoa was delicious.
Real time: After putting the cutter down and processing what I had just heard, I started making plans. I looked at my watch and calculated when, to the minute, my next break would be. I thought about how much cash I had in my wallet and considered jacking a five from the till if I was short. It turned out, after checking, that I had enough to cover one box of Samoa cookies and a pack of cigarettes. Time crawled until my break came... then my break came and I grabbed my jacket and bolted out the door.
Albertson's is in the same parking lot as this pizza joint I work at. I sparked a smoke and walked fast. As I approached the Girl Scout stand, I quickly ran my eyes over their merchandise to make sure there was a stock of purple boxes. There was. I twisted my smoke out under my shoe and took a deep breath. "Hi, can we help you please?" One of the Scout's said.
"I'll take a box please."
The Mother piped up, "okay, sure... what kind would yo---"
--"THE FRICKEN SAMOAS IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND." Oh shit, did I just flip out? Fuck. I looked away, a little embarrassed.
I could hear the Mother calming her child. She put her arm in front of her and slowly moved her back, saying something like, "it's okay honey... stress... something something." One of the other Mother's came from around the stand and handed me a box. I tried to smile, thinking an apology might be in order, but I was too focused on the thought of opening the box and pulling out the plastic tray and biting the corner off the thin wrapping and carefully plucking out a delicious Samoa cookie and stuffing it in my mouth and enjoying the shit out of it.
"Three fifty please." Any price, I thought. THREE FIFTY FOR FUCKING COOKIES. No, any price. These aren't just cookies. And these aren't on sale all the time. It's worth it. BUT THAT'S ANOTHER PACK OF--
"Sir..." I handed her the money after my internal argument and noticed that they had a fucking tip jar set on top of the cookies. What the fuck? Did the Girl Scouts turn in to a bunch of Jews!? Fucking three fifty PLUS TIP. I left nothing and walked away.
The box was in my left hand, opposite street side, in case of the worst. I could get the box to safety in less than a minute if I walked fast. And as luck would have it, a couple god damned tweakers rounded the corner and started walking in my direction. They were probably going to the store, not planning on jacking my cookies, but I took every precaution. Although they were bounding to walk by my cookie holding side- opposite street side, I didn't rotate the box to my other hand. I thought that might draw too much attention. Instead, I clutched the box as hard as I could without damaging the delicate contents. I tried not to make eye-contact. And the tweakers finally passed. I can't say for sure, but I think that one of them whispered to the other one after they passed. I think he said, "hey did that guy have a fuckin box of Caramel delites?" (This is what idiots call Samoas and all tweakers are idiots). It could have been my imagination. Anyway, I returned the box to safety.
I sat down in a safe place and opened the box, slid out the plastic tray, and looked at the cookies. They looked exactly as I remembered them from Winter '98. The toasted coconut, the chocolate drizzle... everything was in place. I inserted one in to my mouth and bit down slowly. I think my eyes rolled back in to my head momentarily as pure bliss consumed my body. First the chocolate, then the caramel, then coconut and butter cookie all pleasantly assaulted my taste buds. The warmth of my mouth melted and assimilated all flavors in to a taste I can only call Mother Mary's breast milk. God damned holy.
End.
Now, one may think that, before OBJECTIVELY rating each different Girl Scout cookie on a ten-point scale, that I might be biased. This is not true. One thing I've learned from life is that there are few if any black and whites. Everything is a little gray. Here is my unbiased rating of all five current Girl Scout cookies.
1. Thin Mints: Although mint and chocolate are one of my favorite combinations, these cookies fall short because they aren't Samoas.
RATING: 0/10
2. Tagalongs: Peanut butter is good on anything. Unfortunately, these don't come in a purple box.
RATING: 0/10
3. Trefoils: One has to have a few before appreciating the simplicity of Trefoils. At once smooth and buttery, these cookies aren't complicated by chocolate, caramel, or coconut. Unfortunately.
RATING: 0/10
4. Samoas: If you don't giggle uncontrollably after eating a Samoa, you're not eating a Samoa. By far the best cookie ever made. My only complaint is that they're now peddled by greedy jews.
RATING: 10/10
5. Do-si-dos: Take two untainted Trefoils and stuff them full of processed and overly-sweetened peanut butter and you've got a Do-si-do. Whoever came up with this recipe and felt no remorse having jews sell a box at $3.50 should be held accountable. No one cares about the Girl Scouts and their "cause." People just want a good cookie and these don't fucking deliver.
RATING: 0/10
Murphy
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-04-03 20:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-02 04:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR FELLOW OREGONIAN
Just me, you and electro..we should have a party.
WA > OR
vancouver 4 lyfe.
I don't have a dollar to my name but I NEED cookies now.
AFK, robbing girl scouts.
=====
ARE YOU TRYIN TO FIGHT ME?
OR is SOOO >WA
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-02 04:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR FELLOW OREGONIAN
Just me, you and electro..we should have a party.
WA > OR
vancouver 4 lyfe.
I don't have a dollar to my name but I NEED cookies now.
AFK, robbing girl scouts.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I initially read this post I thought, "Boy that guy is a douche! Trefoils are teh shit!!"
But then, I had a box of Samoas
An entire box
And then another
And another
I'm still skinny, but I have changed my mind
Fuck Trefoils in their cookie asses!
SAMOAS RULE!!!!!
(I had to come back here and tell you so)
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-03-02 19:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2007-03-02 05:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bought 6 boxes and now I weigh 250 lbs.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-02 04:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR FELLOW OREGONIAN
Just me, you and electro..we should have a party.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-03-02 03:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"4. Samoas: If you don't giggle uncontrollably after eating a Samoa, you're not eating a Samoa. By far the best cookie ever made. My only complaint is that they're now peddled by greedy jews."
Bob Dole wants you to FOAD. or DIAF. Bob Dole hopes someone murders you with a cactus.
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2007-03-01 23:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
samoas are my favorites, though i think tagalongs deserve slightly higher than a 0!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-01 17:13:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ahh, GS cookies are selling for $4 this year, sporto
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-01 15:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I will call you Samoa Joe from now on, round eye.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-03-01 14:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are they made with real Girl Scouts?
Old movie quotes aside, I am thoroughly familiar with these cookies, as I've paid for 2 of each box the past few years for my niece. Most of these cookies go straight to the office pantry.
I don't quite feel the same contempt for thin mints as you, but there is no denying the deliciously fatty goodness of the Samoa. Cookie, that is.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-01 13:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-01 13:41:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Samoas rock.
But the oatmeal & peanut butter ones are better.
===
BLASPHEMER
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-01 13:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Samoas rock.
But the oatmeal & peanut butter ones are better.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-01 13:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I appreciate the rankings but to be honest, I simply don't like Girl Scout cookies. This could cause a divorce in my household as Mrs. Shlongy loves the goddamn things.
I DO, however, like some of the Girl Scouts.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-03-01 12:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:21:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're god damn right Samoas are the best
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-03-01 12:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yum Yum cookies where the orginal, (before the GS had them) someone ruined the yum yum's all that is left is waiting for the Girls scouts to get your fix.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-03-01 12:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-01 11:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love samoas.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-03-01 11:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cookies!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-01 11:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:20:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would promise to look at you with nothing but love and a full belly :-)
What is I sent a full sack across the pond to you?
==
Awww..
Wait..sack of..what?
Oh, and I just read this in earnest. Your rating scale is hilarious. I DO love my thin mints though.
I opened my first box of samoas of the season last night.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I have a sinking feeling this wasn't too objective.
Submitted by Daccory (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been avoiding the girl scouts every time I buy groceries...now I have to run to the store during lunch and buy some goddamn cookies.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're god damn right Samoas are the best
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would promise to look at you with nothing but love and a full belly :-)
What is I sent a full sack across the pond to you?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:07:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-01 09:28:49 (#)
Ranking: 1
I've never had Girl Scout cookies; they don't sell them over on this side of the pond. I will have to try and get the ones chained in my cellar to start baking.
===
Last time I sent American sweets across the pond, redskieslookfake looked at me weird for weeks.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-03-01 09:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-01 09:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've never had Girl Scout cookies; they don't sell them over on this side of the pond. I will have to try and get the ones chained in my cellar to start baking.
Cookies sound nice; made me hungry now.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-03-01 08:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
someone i know is going to enjoy this.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-03-01 07:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once liked thin mints. Before I discovered the glory of samoas.
So it happened that there was a box of thin mints, unopened, on my desk all last semester, and I didn't even want to open them.
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-01 07:50:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
those cookies are 70 CALORIES a POP.
Each cookie (regardless of type) has more artery clogging, saturated fat, than a Tablespoon of Olive Oil.
They also like to say that a "serving" is 2 cookies HAHA.
Enjoy, if at a consequence.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-03-01 07:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*looks at Girl Scout cookies on desk* I have moved on from Juliannes to Tagalongs. Goddamn Girl Scouts discontinuing Juliannes - they were my all time favorite. *cries into box of cookies*
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-01 07:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was good.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-01 07:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a child, I vowed that if I had to choose one food to subsist on for the rest of my life, I'd want it to be samoas. Thin Mints are also an annual requirement.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-03-01 04:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My only complaint is that they're now peddled by greedy jews.
Roflsharts!
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-03-01 02:58:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tagalongs rock, if i dont get a box at least once a year... people die
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2007-03-01 01:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2007-03-01 00:58:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
Decently written, but I dislike coconut. Thin mints>you.
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-03-01 01:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your post for the year?
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2007-03-01 01:36:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummm... falafel. What ARE those?
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2007-03-01 01:35:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hard on the outside with a milky center... I'll stoop just this once. That was a bad joke.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-03-01 01:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
coconut sucks cock, which is why you like it
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-03-01 01:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. I used to be a girl guide.. man, the two best kinds are the mint and these:
http://www.girlguides.sk.ca/newcookie.jpg
What blasphemy do you speak of, about a cookie's deligtful crunch being desacrated by the seeping, oozing sogginess of caramel?!
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2007-03-01 01:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Jews don't need tips, we have secret Jew gold. Plus we rule the media, the government, and your mom
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2007-03-01 00:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Decently written, but I dislike coconut. Thin mints>you.