SPT: Rough Rider or Why I'm Scared of Hobos (752 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.73 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tiaprae (View user info) at 2007-03-01 23:58:24 EST
"I think there's sand in my twat."
"There is not, I think I'd notice," he looks down at me and smiles. A trail is not a good place for sex. A non-paved trail with no blanket is even worse. "Aren't you on my jacket?"
"You've pushed me off of it."
"Hang on a second," he lifts me up and shifts the jacket underneath me. Now there's sand in my ass as well. Brilliant.
"The sun is in my eyes," I laugh as I try to shield my corneas from imminent blindness.
"We can stop."
"No, sorry, it's just...it's a bit difficult to get in the mood..." I glance up the hill a bit as I hear footsteps go by.
"It's nothing, stop worrying." He's reassuring at least. I wish we had an apartment. This is ridiculous. What if it rains?
"I hear footsteps again." I keep looking around, which is difficult to do with out feeding my head to the blackberry bushes.
"It's nothing...Oh shit" I don't think I've ever seen any one jump up so fast.
"What? Oh Jesus." I see a figure walking towards us on the trail. I stand up and brush my skirt off as we start to "casually" walk towards the car.
"Oh don't stop on my account," we turn around, and realize that the figure was a homeless man in his forties. I will call him Hobo Jim. "I'm just walking. Go ahead and get back to what you were doing."
I look at Paul, and I realize that we only had one condom. Wait, where was the condom? I look back to where we were. Holy shit he's still wearing it.
"That's alright, but uhm...thanks," Paul tries to comprehend the hobo's reaction to the situation, and I'm sure a condom on a limp dick can't be comfortable.
Hobo Jim starts walking away, as Paul and I stand there for a moment, in complete shock. What the fuck just happened?
"Just let him keep walking, we'll go back to the car in a minute," Paul whispers to me.
Hobo Jim turns around, "You are using a condom right?" Sexual safety advice from a street person.
"Uhm...yea." Paul responds.
"You know, that's not a great place to have sex, there's plenty of better places. Sand and what-not," Hobo Jim advises us. I give Paul a quick glare. I'll be getting sand out of my cootch for days.
"Yea, we realized that." Paul starts pushing me towards the car and the bum goes off on his merry way.
"That was kind of...strange." I say as Paul keeps pushing me.
"Yea."
"Hey! Hey! Come here!" It's Hobo Jim. He's back.
"What?"
"I want to show you a place." I look at Paul. I don't want to go anywhere with him. I do my fair share, I occasionally go to the shelter and help prepare food, and I talk to the few vagrants who didn't get food poisoning from my lousy soup.
"Let's go." A place for sex is more important than my safety. Good to know.
He walks us down a small trail, and all I can think about is the Green River killer, and which river it is we're next to. He shows us a carpeted space next to the river complete with bonfire and shopping cart.
"This place is great during the day...at night the homeless tend to take it over." Jim explains.
"Oh...yea...."
"Want a cigarette?" Jim offers. I need one, this is too damn weird. Paul and I both take cigarettes from him and I wonder what you can spike cigarettes with. Can you smoke a roofy?
"Yea, that bridge you kids were near, I remember back in the day, we used to have a lot of orgies under that bridge." Hobo Jim stares off into space as nostalgia of toothless junkies getting naked and rubbing their naughty bits on each other. "But you always gotta use a condom, you have no idea what some of those girls got."
"Right. Yea that's actually why we're not uhm...continuing. We're fresh out." Paul starts justifying to the hobo why we're not having sex right now. How can he be so comfortable?
"Oh I got one for you." He pulls a condom from his pocket and hands it to Paul. It says in bold letters on the front, "Made in Mexico". Jesus. "It's a rough rider, will put up through anything. They don't sell them up here though." Jim continues.
Paul and Hobo Jim talk for a few minutes, about Mr. Hobo and his life and how he ended up homeless. All I could think about was getting the hell out of there when Jim stands up, "So you guys can go at it, and I'll be just over there, if you know, you want some company." Stomach acid burned my throat.
"Oh...well actually we should get going. Dinner at her parents' place, you know how it is." Paul quickly turns down Jim's offer. Thank god. They were looking pretty chummy.
"Alright, alright, well you kids be safe."
And people wonder why the homeless freak me out.
And...Camwhore.
User Reviews
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-05 16:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-05 15:51:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
your sweater belongs to the early nineties or an old woman
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Agreed.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-05 15:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
your sweater belongs to the early nineties or an old woman
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-03 01:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-03-03 01:30:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
jonny, she has no idea what you are talking about.
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Laverne and Shirley I assume. I just hope he means I look some what like Cindy Williams, she was some what cute in her time.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-03-03 01:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
jonny, she has no idea what you are talking about.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-03-03 00:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i think yer cute
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 16:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-02 15:23:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
nice picture - I expect Lenny and Squiggy to come walking in any second
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Uhm, thanks?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-02 15:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice picture - I expect Lenny and Squiggy to come walking in any second
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-02 14:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-02 14:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and linkwhore
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89533
also, i think if you got sand in your twat you'd cry.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-03-02 14:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good show.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-03-02 13:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-02 13:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's downright decadent.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 13:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll have to pick some up next payday. My tastebuds could use a bit of debauchery
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Try Some Aberlour. Your taste buds will dance and sing.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:41:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Drake-
I can't remember, it was horrible though. I had a friend pick some up on the way over, and despite telling her that I would pay her back. I really can't consider anything that cost 15$ for a bottle scotch.
Circe-
It'll happen, but I know what I'm in for
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what kind of scotch?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooohhh, you're pretty. And clever. And funny.
They're going to snap you like kindling here. GET OUT WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME OR YOU'LL TURN INTO ME.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you look almost exactly like a friend of mine. I know it's not her though since you admitted to living in Seattle.
Either way, you both have the same cute grin and hair style.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 10:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-02 01:54:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
The daugter in American Beauty showed her tits though.
You promised me tits, dammit.
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Unfortunately I don't have any boob pictures on my computer and I dropped my uninsured cameraphone into a glass of scotch, must be patient.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-02 09:34:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-02 06:47:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a dude in St. Augustine we call 'Dirty Bob', I think he has autisum. He's like the dude in Rainman. He does math problems all the time.
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That was before I discovered ubersite.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-02 09:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sand in the crack sucks. No matter which crack.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2007-03-02 08:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-03-02 07:42:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
My boyfriend used to hang out with a homeless man when he was little. His mom would yell but he'd do it again anyways.
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Ballad Of Curtis Lowe?
Good story. I remember one of our Drill Sergeants gave us his keys to get something out of his office and someone looked inside the plastic ear plug sized container attached to his keys and found a Rough Rider condom. Akward moment. Hard to imagine a DS in bed.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 08:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute, very nice ummm where was I ummm oh yes the tale.
I had sand under my foreskin once. Ouch or words to that effect.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-03-02 07:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My boyfriend used to hang out with a homeless man when he was little. His mom would yell but he'd do it again anyways.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-03-02 06:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
blech
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-02 06:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a dude in St. Augustine we call 'Dirty Bob', I think he has autisum. He's like the dude in Rainman. He does math problems all the time.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-02 04:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:43:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Because chicken is better than sex
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And chicken sex is better than both.......um, I mean, or so I've heard.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-03-02 02:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait a minute, how is this SPT?
sif
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-03-02 01:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-02 01:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-01 18:53:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-01 18:52:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-01 17:48:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Will be posting pictures of tits later on.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-02 01:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The daugter in American Beauty showed her tits though.
You promised me tits, dammit.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 01:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-03-02 01:08:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
You look kinda like the daughter from american beauty
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I've heard that once before, I don't see it
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-03-02 01:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You look kinda like the daughter from american beauty
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because chicken is better than sex.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:31:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:25:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's meet up some time for some chicken and sex.
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Chicken? Why chicken?
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's meet up some time for some chicken and sex.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah yeah yeah
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:13:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I could almost swear I go to college with you.....
EDFX Tuesdays and Thursdays?
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Nope. Unfortunately I took a break after I got my 2 year and have been procrastinating going back.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for hobos and cause I like chicks with glasses
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could almost swear I go to college with you.....
EDFX Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:11:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are all kinds of prizes around here.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-02 00:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If that's a shit-post, I'm going to start reading your other stuff.
But you look way too sober in the pic. Cute, though. Damn, there I go again.