The Doctor Told Me I Need Pills (1588 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.84 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-03-02 10:48:34 EST
It's been an interesting kind of day.
Kind of like a rollercoaster of office politics (read: corporate bollocks), and it all started before I had even got to my desk.
"Joey, when you've got a sec, I need to see you in my office."
Shit.
What the fuck have I done now?
Immediately I think the worst, and start thinking of excuses for all the things I've done that they may have busted me for.
Excessive internet time? I was just checking out the competition in the market place.
Reading the paper at my desk? Media research, motherfucker.
Leaving that dildo in Emma's drawer? I honestly thought it was hers, they should have name tags or something.
Sexually harassing the secretaries? Hey, her ass touched MY hand, not the other way round.
I decided to tackle it head on. Whatever was coming my way, I would have to take it like a man. I got up and went to my boss's office.
"You wanted to see me?"
"Take a seat, Joey. Shut the door on the way in, I don't want people to overhear this."
Holy fuck. This must be worse than I thought.
"Is there a problem?"
"Joey, I've been looking at your performance in the department over the last 6 months."
I knew it. They've finally cottoned on to the fact that I do fuck all, and now they've realised they'll do just as well, if not better, without me. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.
"And......"
"And, quite frankly, a few things have come to our attention........"
This is it. Be the better man. Tell him to get fucked, tell him you quit, before he fires you.
".......and, my overall assessment of you over the past 6 months........"
Do it. Do it now.
"......is, well, excellent!"
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I don't need your stupid - sorry, what did you just say?"
"I've gotta be honest, I'm impressed."
What the fuck?
"You are? I mean....... of course you are. That's great!"
"Of all the employees, you always get your work done when you say you will...."
That's because you're a gullible twat, who believes me when I say it'll take a week to produce a report that runs at the click of a macro.
"...your level of commitment to external clients is exceptional....."
I take them to the pub for 2 hour lunch breaks, and pay for it on YOUR credit card, dipshit.
"...and the work do is always high quality."
It's my name on the bottom, but do you really think I don't delegate the donkey work?
"Well, thanks. I do try my best."
Ok, ok, don't overdo it.
"It certainly shows. In light of these consistent high standards, I feel it's only appropriate that you deserve a well earned pay rise. 7.5% on top of your normal salary, effective immediately. Congratulations! Just, er, I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself. You know what the people here can be like."
"Thanks! And, don't worry, I wont tell a soul."
This is the best day ever! I practically floated out of the office and back to my desk. As I sat there, smug grin on display, I clearly stood out a mile.
"Joey - you're smiling.... you feeling ok?"
"Hey, looks like someone got laid last night."
"Are you drinking in the office again?"
I ignored the comments, content with the knowledge that I was now earning more, for doing even less. Who wouldn't be happy?
I checked my calendar to see if I had any appointments today, and I suddenly came back down to Earth.
"Oh, you've gotta be shitting me....."
11:30am - Bodycare Lifestyle Assessment.
Every year, our company subjects it's staff to what essentially is a medical check up. They call it 'Bodycare Lifestyle Assessment', because they really 'care' about your 'life.'
What they really mean, is "we've invested time and money in you, you fucker, and we wanna know if you're about to die so we can lay you off without having to worry about paying 'Death in Service' to your next of kin."
Oh well, if it's gotta be done, it's gotta be done. The appointment said I would have to report to Nurse Fairlady, in the medical room on the first floor.
Nurse Fairlady, eh? Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. I made my way to the medical room, and knocked on the door.
"Enter."
Any mental images I had of a young, big breasted maiden in a skimpy white costume where instantly shattered with that low, rumbling growl. It sounded like a walrus with bronchitis.
I pushed open the door, and stepped inside, greeted by the reek of TCP and body odour. Suddenly I was standing face to face with the source of the offending aromas.
She was sitting behind a desk covered in various medical instruments. I say 'sitting' but perhaps 'squashed' would be a more accurate term. She easily filled the chair, with several cubic feet of spare flesh dangling over the side arms. How she got in there was a miracle itself.
She was squeezed into a white (bedsheet?) uniform which was done up to her neck. Her jowls draped over the material, as if they were desperately trying to escape from an overcrowded prison. Her face was a round, blotchy mess of warts and boils, and her crooked teeth jutted outwards almost horizontally. Balanced on top of her head was a pointy white nurses hat.
She looked as if Jabba the Hut had joined the Ku Klux Klan.
"Take a seat, er..." She shuffled some papers with her big fat man hands, and I wondered how arms that podgy could even move at all. "....Joey." She slammed the paperwork down in front of me, and gave me a cold hard stare.
"First of all, I'd like to take your blood pressure. Roll up your sleeve and give me your arm."
I did as I was told, and stretched my arm across the desk. She stretched forward, trying to get hold of the portable machine. After what seemed like an age, she managed to get hold of it. She undid the Velcro strap, and then seized my arm.
Her hands were clammy and wet, as if she'd dipped them in a bucket of greasy fat. With a great deal of straining on her part, she eventually managed to get the strap around my arm and start pumping the little black ball valve.
She inflated the strap, until it felt as though my circulation was about to cut off. Eventually, the pressure ceased, and she jotted down a couple of figures on the sheet in front of her, mumbling something under her hideous dog breath.
"Ok. I'm going to ask you a few questions, and you are going to answer them. Honestly." Again, she gave me another one of those cold stares, which seemed to say 'you fuck with me, and I'll have you for my breakfast. Well, one of my breakfasts, anyway.'
"How many units of alcohol do you consume a week?"
"Oh, I'd say 20, at the very most." Again, that stare. "Alright, alight. Probably about 40." This was still nowhere near the truth, but she seemed to accept it this time.
"Uh huh. Do you exercise regularly?"
"Well, I've heard that a healthy sex life can do wonders for - "
"I'm not talking about masturbation, Joey."
"Little to none."
"I see. Do you regularly open up your bowels?"
"What?!? Hey, no! That's just some horrible internet picture, isn't it?"
"What I mean, Joey, is do you regularly take a shit?"
"Um....what would you call regular, exactly? Because it can vary. Sometimes I'm a once a day kind of guy. If I've had a few brews the night before, then, hell, it can be anything up to 6 or 7 staggered throughout the day."
"Uh huh. Do you regularly check your testicles?"
"Well, they were still there this morning."
"I mean for lumps. It's a simple procedure which you should do at least once a month. Would you like me to show you - "
"NO!! I mean....no, that'll be fine. But thanks for the offer."
"If you let me finish, I was going to say 'show you these pamphlets.'"
"Ohhhhhh......for a second there I thought you meant - "
"No, I most certainly did not."
"Not that I wouldn't - "
"Joey?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut up."
"Gotcha."
"Uh huh. Well, now we've got those out of the way, there's the other matter."
"Other matter?"
"Uh huh. It seems that some people have been concerned about your erratic behaviour."
"Erratic behaviour? I don't have erratic behaviour! This is absurd! I have no idea what you're talking about! Nurse, I demand an expla - ohhhhh, THAT erratic behaviour."
"Uh huh."
"Uh huh? Is that all you say?" She glared the fiercest glare yet.
"Let's talk about the 'incidents', shall we?"
"Incidents?"
"Uh huh. Let's see...... what's this I hear about you telling Mary that Tylenol is good with vodka?"
"I was only playing...."
"She's just recovered from a suicide attempt."
"Hey, she doesn't HAVE to take my advice, I just figured - "
"And how about the time you ordered strippers for Pete's party?"
"They said they wanted entertainment!"
"It was a retirement party. He nearly had a heart attack. And what about leaving a dildo in Emma's drawer?"
Fuck! Thought I'd got away with that one!
"That was never proven to be me."
"There was a piece of paper sellotaped to it with your phone number on."
"Coincidence?"
"Listen, Joey......I'm here to help. These kind of things aren't exactly....normal."
"Can't anybody take a joke?"
"Uh huh. But I think it goes beyond that with you. You clearly have a..... 'less than healthy' lifestyle. And as for your excessive drinking....."
Excessive? I only told her half of what I drink!
"...... I feel this may be related to depression in the work place."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm going to strongly recommend to your GP that you undertake a course of anti-depressants."
"What? You think I'm crazy?"
"Officially, no. Unofficially, I think you crazier than a shit house rat. You need help, and you need it soon. You don't have to take these from your GP, but if you don't take the advice I'm writing in this report, your employers may have something to say about it."
I left the medical room in disgrace. A woolly mammoth has just told me I need to calm down. Was it really a nurse in there? Or did I just get a physical from Mr Toad's much fatter cousin? Did I just imagine that? No........ Just need to stay calm.
The fluffy bunny knows best after all.
Oh, hi there Zeuss.....yes, those clouds DO look comfy....I think I need a lie down....and what's that you say?
Yes, I WOULD like a drink......
Have a good er.....What's that damn thing called again?....er, weekend! That's it!
Have a good / sane weekend, Uber.....
User Reviews
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-07 23:39:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
the title looks like the truth. Have a +1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-05 12:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-03-02 18:06:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha.
Sorry Joey. I didn't mean to get you screwed over on the ratings.
I guess it just kinda proves my point, JonnyX really is a dick, rating you on my review rather than the post.
-------
actually, the only dick around here is you, I rated his previous post honestly, and you (FAC) had to whine about it on the Uberboard.
If the post sucks, then it gets a -2, fuck you if you don't like it, bitch.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-03-04 16:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-03-04 06:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another er....Wtf?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-03-04 04:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2007-03-03 16:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rusty Silver
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-03-03 15:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to take full advantage of the new feature.
Well done, as usual.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-03-03 14:40:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-03-03 14:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-02 23:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Consider yourself blown.
Your mind, that is.
Hey, you're the one that said it.
PS I'm going for nursing. I hope I can be half as professional and highly skilled as the awesome piece of woman meat that did your exam.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-02 20:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-02 19:18:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/99292#2333577
haha
JonnyX admits flaming JoeyG's post to piss off FAC.
What a douchebag.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-03-02 18:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha.
Sorry Joey. I didn't mean to get you screwed over on the ratings.
I guess it just kinda proves my point, JonnyX really is a dick, rating you on my review rather than the post.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-02 17:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JoeyG. King of awesome.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-03-02 17:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOO! Imma get batshit drunk ya cunny slores!
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-03-02 16:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck! Thought I'd got away with that one!
Oh Yeah !
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-02 15:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
annnnnnnnnnd another.
:)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-02 14:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:05:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
*Waits for JonnyX to drop the -2 bomb*
-----
JoeyG story = +2
FunnyAsCancer being a pussy = -2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-02 14:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-02 14:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-03-02 13:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-03-02 13:36:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-03-02 13:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LIES, ALL LIES!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you : )
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:47:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
You mean that isn't pleasurable? Damn all this time.
"Doris cancel my 5am Meet and sleep; aparently they don't like it."
*sniff*
---------------------------
No matter how much you twist you are never going to get Radio 4.
Submitted by Alcoholocaust (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Waits for JonnyX to drop the -2 bomb*
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-03-02 12:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:47:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:44:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:41:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:36:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous as per usual.
could have been worse.. she might have had to check your prostate.
That makes me think of that guy who got arrested for posing as a doctor and going door to door offering free breast screenings (I think he might have actually done pelvics too).
If it was a woman offering free prostate screening I wonder how many guys would actually call the police.
--
Ah the old 'Have you had your breasts wheyed' trick. Happy days; I can almost still feel the smacks.
------------------------
I think the key to getting away with that medical scam is to make it as unpleasurable for the lady as possible, just pretend its a drunken 5am Saturday night hookup.
--
You mean that isn't pleasurable? Damn all this time.
"Doris cancel my 5am Meet and sleep; aparently they don't like it."
*sniff*
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:46:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your stuff deserves more attention.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:44:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:41:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:36:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous as per usual.
could have been worse.. she might have had to check your prostate.
That makes me think of that guy who got arrested for posing as a doctor and going door to door offering free breast screenings (I think he might have actually done pelvics too).
If it was a woman offering free prostate screening I wonder how many guys would actually call the police.
--
Ah the old 'Have you had your breasts wheyed' trick. Happy days; I can almost still feel the smacks.
------------------------
I think the key to getting away with that medical scam is to make it as unpleasurable for the lady as possible, just pretend its a drunken 5am Saturday night hookup.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:41:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:36:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous as per usual.
could have been worse.. she might have had to check your prostate.
That makes me think of that guy who got arrested for posing as a doctor and going door to door offering free breast screenings (I think he might have actually done pelvics too).
If it was a woman offering free prostate screening I wonder how many guys would actually call the police.
--
Ah the old 'Have you had your breasts wheyed' trick. Happy days; I can almost still feel the smacks.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:36:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous as per usual.
could have been worse.. she might have had to check your prostate.
----------
That would be hideous - her stubby fingers had the girth of a elephant's trunk. I would have split in two.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous as per usual.
could have been worse.. she might have had to check your prostate.
That makes me think of that guy who got arrested for posing as a doctor and going door to door offering free breast screenings (I think he might have actually done pelvics too).
If it was a woman offering free prostate screening I wonder how many guys would actually call the police.
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good stuff.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:29:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:24:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep that's exactly what I mean Joey. You know the ones produced by that company called Private. They are moving in ways that only Viagra can compete with.
------------------
Ohhhhhh, I have some of those.
It was a bastard downloading them past the company firewall though.
Thank god Dave left his pc open that day.....
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep that's exactly what I mean Joey. You know the ones produced by that company called Private. They are moving in ways that only Viagra can compete with.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:18:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
can't they just let you have one good day?!?!?!
------------------
I now have prozac. Everyday's gonna be a good day!
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure excellency in a post.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how do you write good stuff so consistently?
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can't they just let you have one good day?!?!?!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:15:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Woohoo I got a pay rise this week for doing fuck all too.
I used to like the image of nurses; but they never look like thay are supposed to from my 'Special Interest' Movies.
---------------
By 'special interest', you do mean hospital dramas, right?
Right?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woohoo I got a pay rise this week for doing fuck all too.
I used to like the image of nurses; but they never look like thay are supposed to from my 'Special Interest' Movies.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:08:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... you sound like me on the job... it's amazing what passes for competency in the office
---------------
It's just seems ironic that it's the *crazy* guy who got a pay rise this morning.
Management are very perceptive like that.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... you sound like me on the job... it's amazing what passes for competency in the office
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written. Good read!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:06:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:03:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
How can your employers force you to take anti-depressants?
------------------
They can't. But they can seriously question your ability to work if you don't follow certain medical advice.
Then they'll find something else to fire you for.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I need no hypnosis to make you bottom for me.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How can your employers force you to take anti-depressants?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-02 11:02:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-02 10:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahaaaha
classic
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-03-02 10:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JoeyG posts make my day