Slim, The Orphan and the Hit: Part 3...The Finale (293 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.66 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mossimo1213 (View user info) at 2007-03-04 03:23:07 EST
Well this is it. This is the longest one yet, but I think its the best.
Here are the links to the first two parts if you haven't read them yet.
Part One: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99123
Part Two: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99350
Enjoy!
***
Slim pulled his Kevlar vest over his head followed by his shirt. His one room apartment downtown had served him quite well. Slim didn't like flashing his money around. He was worried the IRS would be after him if he suddenly had a mansion in the 'burbs with his occupation listed as "waiter" on tax forms.
He forced himself to look at his reflection in the mirror. Slim couldn't wrap his brain around the concept that he had landed himself a five million dollar hit. This was the break that Slim had been looking for. He didn't particularly like his job. He entered the business five years ago when he started running errands for bookie that lived in his old building. Slim need extra cash to help save up for his wedding. Everything was going good until he got offered bigger and better jobs. Eventually his fiancé found out and said she could never marry a man who was on the wrong side of the law. She called off the engagement and Slim eventually gave up his day job and dove head first into his new work. He climbed the ranks, earned the respect, and got to where he was now.
Slim told himself when he did this, and got paid off he was done. He planned on taking the small fortune he had amassed so far, and the extra five million, moving to Bermuda where no one would ask questions, and living a quiet life. He would lie on the beach, swim in the ocean and find a wife.
He could already feel the white sand beneath his feet, a cool ocean breeze and beautiful woman by his side. He would buy a beach front property and a small sail boat to match. All Slim ever wanted was to be comfortable.
Slim snapped back to reality. He had to do his job before he could live his fantasy. He had it all planned out. Every move he would make, where everyone was supposed to be, and how he was going to brand The Orphan. All he had left to do was to do it. As Slim walked out the door, an old saying clung to the back of his mind: "The only certainty is that there is no certainty."
***
Slim gave one of the caterers 300 dollars to let him in with the rest of their crew. It was the only way he could get around the tight security The Orphan had in place. Once inside the massive banquet hall, he surveyed his area. Slim obtained blue prints of the building through a contact at city hall. He planned out his escape through the service hallway, but he wanted to make sure there wouldn't be anything stopping him. He barely escaped on a few hits when his routes out were blocked by something not shown on blue prints. Everything looked like it checked out ok. No locked doors or unexpected barricades.
Slim almost felt bad about whacking The Orphan on his daughters wedding day. It was really the best time he could have. All the security would be out side the building making sure no one who shouldn't get in was there. He knew the guards around The Orphan would be light because he was supposed to only be around only family and friends.
The party arrived on a fleet of busses. In a giant mass, people came spewing into the hall. Most of the people were half drunk already from the wet bar on the busses. They all shouted and yelled over each other just like any other reception. Slim threw him self in with the mix of the drunkest guys. They wouldn't care who he was as long as they got more beer and the food was coming. He stayed in the crowd and kept his eye on The Orphan.
During the past hour, Slim had danced with at least three drunk bridesmaids and a grandma. He kept having the nagging feeling that someone had their eye on him. He didn't like it one bit. He felt like he was being set up and thought about aborting the hit and telling Evonna he couldn't do it. Over the years Slim had developed almost a sixth sense. He felt cliché calling it that, but that's what it was. He knew when there was a bug. He had always listened to his gut, and that's why he was still alive today. Just as the suspicion was becoming un-bearable, a woman came up from behind, grabbed his arm, and pulled Slim to the side.
"What the fuck are you doing here?!" came the angry voice that Slim knew all too well. He pulled back and stared his ex fiancé in the eyes.
"I could ask you the same thing," Slim fired back.
"I'm a cop now you ass-hole. I'm on assignment here, now answer my question," her voice still hadn't lost any of the bite it had when she was with Slim. The only difference was that now, Slim didn't buckle under the pressure.
"Well excuse me, but I was invited here. I made my friends; these people are my family now. They treat me better than you ever did," Slim lied out his ass. He hadn't counted on police being here since the Espositos paid off 85% of them in town.
"It's gonna be so sweet bringin' you down with the rest of these jerk-offs." She whirled away before Slim could respond. As long as she left him alone, he could still pull the job off and get out before anyone knew what happened.
The break up between Slim and his fiancé had been bitter. He had only wanted to buy her a nice wedding and all the good things he thought she deserved. She thought that it was despicable that he would stoop to such a low level. Slim fought for months trying to get her back. He got out of the game and was doing honest work. She thought that working in the underworld even for a short time ruined you forever.
As they say though, time heals all wounds and she came around. She forgave him and said she understood why he got involved with those people. She broke Slim's heart, now was his chance for revenge. He completely shut her out of his life. He wouldn't answer her calls, emails or anything. She even sent him letters professing her love to him. In a final act of vengeance, he taped himself burning the letters, along with everything he had that reminded him of her, and sent her the tape. They hadn't spoken for 3 years after that.
"Finally!" Slim came back out of his daze. The moment he had been waiting for all night. The Orphan was walking by himself for the bathroom. Slim quickly broke away from the groom's drunken grandma and headed for the bathroom.
Tony and taken the urinal farthest from the door. Following urinal etiquette, Slim took the one closest to the door. Since Slim couldn't actually look at him. He listened for the sound of his zipper. Slim always liked a few seconds to get in the zone before he sprung into action on this close range hits.
The Orphan began to wash his hands. Slim did his homework on his target and learned that The Orphan had a mild case of OCD. It never was bad enough to require medication of any kind, or disrupt his life. Slim "finished up" at his urinal as The Orphan began his second hand washing. Slim reached out to turn the other sink on, and simultaneously drove his left foot into the right knee of The Orphan.
The Orphan's legs buckled and he fell to the ground in surprise. Years on the streets had taught The Orphan not to be on your back for too long and he quickly sprang back up. Slim hadn't anticipated The Orphan having that youthful luster for a fight.
"Just who the hell do you think your fucking with here boy?" The Orphan inquired.
"I'm just here on business," Slim responded. Slim went for a quick sucker punch to the nose, but The Orphan was too quick for that. The Orphan grabbed Slim's arm, flipped him over and slammed him on the ground.
The air was knocked out of Slim, but just like The Orphan, this wasn't Slim's first rodeo. Slim knew that he was currently at a huge disadvantage. He was on the ground, under an enormous man who was ready to kill him. It was time to fight dirty. Slim drove his clenched fist straight into the groin of The Orphan. The Orphan stumbled back against the wall bent over groaning. Slim popped up, grabbed The Orphan by either side of his face, and smashed the back of his head into the wall. The Orphan crumpled immediately to the floor. He was out cold
Slim applied all of his force to The Orphan's neck. Slim was nervous to bring any sort of weapon to the wedding because he was sure about 90% of the people would be packing. He held his death grip on The Orphan's neck for a good 5 minutes. Once he let go, he made sure The Orphan was good and dead.
Slim began to work quickly. He locked the door, pulled the brand from one pant leg, and a mini welding torch from a hardware store from the other. He developed some monster blisters from dancing with those all night. Slim figured two weeks of blisters was the price you pay for five million dollars. He heated the brand until it was red and pressed it against The Orphan's cheek. That way, even at his funeral, everyone would know that it was The Boss.
The smell of burnt flesh never agreed with Slim. It hit his nostrils and he immediately started gagging. He jumped into the other stall and threw up all the cake he had that day. He finished and wiped his mouth. As Slim walked out, The Orphan's right hand man, and best friend began pounding on the locked door. Slim let him in, but blocked his view momentarily.
"What the hell is going on in there?" the friend demanded.
"Sorry sir, I'm not feeling to well and I vomited. I locked the door so I could clean it up so no one else would get sick," Slim had always had a knack from impromptu excuses.
"Alright, well get the fuck outa my way," the friend pushed past Slim into the bathroom.
Slim began sprinting for the service hallway. He wasn't sure what was going to happen once The Orphan's friend saw what happened. He was still a good 50 feet away from freedom when he heard it.
"LOCK DOWN!!!" The entire party began screaming as metal bars came crashing down in front of every window and door. Slim began to panic. Everything was going wrong and he was almost out of there.
A huge man running at Slim flashed in front of him and slammed him to the ground. Slim's head was spinning for the second time in a month. As he got his bearings he realized it was Seven who had taken him out. Slim had no idea how he could have missed the massive man at the party. Between the grandmas and his ex fiancé, he forgot to survey the rest of the crowd.
"SEVEN!" Slim screamed above the crowed. They were becoming a mob. Everyone was milling around yelling and fighting. It was total chaos and no one knew what was going on. Slim was praying that bullets didn't start flying. They were so busy with fighting each other that the mob totally missed Seven on top of Slim.
"GET THE FUCK OFF ME! I'M DOING YOUR BOSS' JOB!" Slim was in full fledged panic mode and he could barley keep his voice from breaking.
"FUCK THAT STUPID BITCH! SHE NEVER RESPECTED ME ANYWAY. I'M WORKING FOR YOUR OLD WOMAN NOW!" Seven bellowed back.
Over his shoulder Slims ex fiancé appeared. She bent over and whispered in Slims ear, "I knew I could have never married you. This will be the sweetest thing I've ever done."
Seven flipped him around on to his stomach. He felt the cold steel of hand cuffs being slapped on to his wrists. There was no use fighting it. He was over powered and over matched. Seven lifted him up and began to walk him to the exit Slim knew that his ex fiancé was reading him his rights, but he couldn't hear any of it. They got to the main exit, but weren't allowed out. Just like everyone else, they were locked in and trapped. Slim was scared that The Orphan's men would be searching for him. Slim could only hope that they would be out before he found him.
Evonna was trying to convince the guard to let them out. She was flashing her badge, and trying to use Seven as intimidation to get out. Slim was left all alone off the right of everything. He heard loud foot steps coming behind him. Before he could turn around, he again felt cold steel, only this time it was a gun and it was to the back of his head.
"You stupid fucking son of a bitch. Who the hell do you think your fucking with boy?" Slim thought they spent way too much time together. They used the same phrases for Christ's sake.
"I'll see you in hell," Slim knew it was over. Right before the bullet tore through the back of Slim's skull and splattered his brains on the wall in front of him, Slim's mind swam in thoughts of lost love, and a life controlled by greed.
And then it was over.
***
Thanks for reading. This is the first story I've ever really developed past a page. Any comments, positive or negitive are welcome.
User Reviews
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-05 21:12:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea I'm doing my best to keep it cool. I worked pretty hard and stuff, but I keep telling myself I posted it on this site to see what other people thought. I really appericate the help and you really anaylizing what I've written. It's helped alot. I think I'm going to leave this story as it is, and start to write another one with just some of the tips you've given me. I've also talked to a few teachers at my school and shown them the work and they are giving me good ideas also. Thanks alot though. I hope you look for more of my stuff and critique it.
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-04 22:36:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the insight. I don't know if this is a dumb question, but to "develop the craft" do you mean just practice writing? Or was there some class, book, or some sort of mentor you had to help you with that? I hope I'm not annoying you guys by asking all of these questions. I just want to be able to write stories as well as some of the things I've read on this site.
______________________________________________________________
I read few books - Stephen King's "On Writing" was an easy and informing read.
I got in contact with the local writer's club (there will be one in your area, ask at the local library) and they put me on to some other resource books, and let me in on their weekly bull sessions. And I had people from that club that I respected look over pieces of my work and coach me.
What you have to remember as they do this is that the criticism isn't about you, its about the work, and how to do it better. Couple of times I wanted to lay these dudes the fuck out. "That's my heart and soul on that paper, its gotta be GOOD," sorta thing. But if you can get past your own emotions, and remember that these people are only making you stronger, then you can really develop the basics quite quickly.
And like I've said before, it seems to me you've got some pretty cool stories to tell. You just need to pick up a few tips on how to tell 'em.
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-04 22:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the insight. I don't know if this is a dumb question, but to "develop the craft" do you mean just practice writing? Or was there some class, book, or some sort of mentor you had to help you with that? I hope I'm not annoying you guys by asking all of these questions. I just want to be able to write stories as well as some of the things I've read on this site.
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-03-04 22:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Look, man, you've got some lurid ideas and a sense of pace. You'll get more love if you work on your craft. That's writing skills, to the uninitiated. See you need to understand the rules of written English, even if you don't need to stick to them all the time (Stag loves breaking them, but he does so deliberately, for stylistic effect.)
A few examples of what I mean:
"into action on this close range hits."
-bad sentence structure
"The Orphan stumbled back against the wall bent over groaning
Sorry? The wall bent over groaning? This needs a comma.
"Slim was nervous to bring any sort of weapon to the wedding"
-bad sentence structure. Mixed tenses caused by the use of the word 'nervous' in the wrong place.
"He held his death grip on The Orphan's neck for a good 5 minutes"
Use the word five. The numeral breaks up the narrative flow.
"Slim began to work quickly."
As a rule of thumb, find any adverbs (they'll be words ending in -ly) and rewrite them out. They reduce the impact of your work.
"They were so busy with fighting each other that the mob totally missed Seven on top of Slim"
'with' is in the wrong place. In fact you could remove it completely and the sentence would work better.
These are just a few examples, pulled at random. You've got some chops, and I like this kind of story. If you polish up your craft, you'll make it easier to read, and therefore much easier to like.
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-04 21:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't offended or anything. I'm looking for comments like that to become better at writing. I was reading some of your things and they were really good. What kind of things go through your mind when you sit down to write?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-03-04 21:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
look, it's not that bad. I thought the dialogue needed a lot of work. The plot twist is a bit formulaic. There's potential here.
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-04 21:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Was it just the last few lines that made you think that, or the whole story in general?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-03-04 20:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm trying to think of a nice way to say "don't write like a made-for-TV-movie" and I can't. Sorry.
Submitted by FeeFieFoeFum (user info) at 2007-03-04 07:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, enjoyed reading the three stories. Was a little gruesome (which i enjoyed) and kept me on the edge.
Maybe as a personal challenge try wrting something that holds the tension without as much bloodshed