Gray Matter (Pt 3) (337 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.69 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tiaprae (View user info) at 2007-03-05 13:26:02 EST
Gray Matter (Pt 1) - http://www.ubersite.com/m/99170
Gray Matter (Pt 2) - http://www.ubersite.com/m/99257
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"How're you doing?" This question always bothers me. How am I supposed to be doing? I wish some one would just tell me.
"Alright I guess. The medications are pretty awful."
"What do they have you on?"
"Steroids, anti-seizure, antacids, and god knows I have my own pharmacy in my bedroom."
"Jesus."
"Yea."
"Do they know what kind it is yet? Is it benign?"
"Well, it's not benign. But they have to do a biopsy before they can know for sure what type it is."
"Maybe it'll be something that's easily treated." Anna's optimism doesn't fail.
"I'm not that lucky." I have a brain tumor, how lucky can I be.
"You should stay positive, I mean-"
"Why? What's the point?"
"What do you mean?"
She doesn't understand, how can she. She's too young to have ever really faced her own mortality. She's too young to have to. "I don't know. I'm just dealing with the fact that I could be walking to work and within a few short breaths have my lungs completely empty."
She doesn't say anything for a moment. I wish I could see her face. I don't want to upset her. She really shouldn't worry about me.
Shaking, convulsing, and buzzing, I watch my phone's descent to the tile floor. I shouldn't have put it on the dresser while I was shaving. The battery had tumbled out of its casing. Shit. I quickly piece the phone back together and press the power button.
My phone's seizure begins again. Funny my phone is so similar to me.
I check the caller ID, it's Anna. Shouldn't she be here by now? "Hello?"
"Where the hell are your barracks?" How did she get lost? The directions were so simple.
"Stay on the phone I don't want to be driving around here forever."
"I have to shave."
She sighed, "Fine I should be there in a few minutes."
"Alright, by the way you know you're getting laid tonight right?"
She laughs. "I would expect nothing less. Go shave."
I can't remember the last time I was a passenger in a car. I suppose it's something I'm going to have to get used to. I reach for a nonexistent "oh-shit" handle as she corners her truck as if to evade the police.
"Jesus, we're not in a hurry are we?"
"...No...Why?"
"I hate women drivers."
She looks at me like the sexist jerk I am. Then she lets something that is a mixture between giggling and scoffing leave her lips, "You're not scared are you?"
"A bit...I think next time I'll just try really hard not to have a seizure." I wish it wasn't illegal for me to drive.
My phone rings while she's taking her food from the counter.
Caller ID: It's Scott. I had sent him a text a few days ago.
"Hey, how's it going?" I try to sound as normal as possible. What normal sounds like I'm not exactly sure.
"You have a tumor." He states the obvious.
"Uhm, yea."
"What are they going to do? Operate?"
"They can't, placement is too dangerous. They'd end up paralyzing me or something. They're going to do a biopsy in a week or so, and then from there - chemo."
"Christ you're going to go bald."
"My hair is already thinning as it is."
Anna laughs a bit as she eats her fries, "I wonder if it will grow back afterwards." She's so kind.
"But hey, I have to go, about to see a movie. When are you coming back into town?" I don't want to ignore Anna too much.
"Next weekend, I'll call you."
"Alright, later."
"See ya."
I sit down at the table, it wobbles as I reach over to steal one some of her food. Why am I always so fucking hungry? "Remember my friend? The one I went to high school with? That was him."
"Ah." She nods as she chews. I doubt she remembers. "He's the one you were stationed with for a while right?" Huh. She actually listens when I talk, I keep forgetting that.
"Is that all you're going to eat?"
"It's cold now, I took too long."
I laugh, "Fine." I start to finish her chicken nuggets, "You should eat one more."
"Why?"
"Because you need food."
"I eat a ton. Do I look anorexic?"
"Just eat the damn thing so we can go."
As we walk into the theatre, she lets her fingers blend with mine.
"You're totally squishy." I laugh a bit, squishy was her word. One of the first things she said to me a few months ago. God was it really that long? She told me that I was fun and she wouldn't get bored with me, just as long as I didn't get squishy. Then I didn't know what she meant, but she worried I would get too attached.
She let her hand fall against her side and looked up at me. She was a good foot shorter than me. "I am not."
"I don't care, I'm just saying." I really didn't mind, it would just make things harder for her. I don't want to hurt her, but I think it's a bit late for that. Which would be better? Which would hurt her less? Me leaving whenever they decide I don't need to stay here anymore, or me not existing anymore.
She shook her head, then grasped my hand again as we walked into the theatre.
"Hello?"
"Still want to hang out tonight?" I felt like shit. The medication had made my head float and my body ache. The daily CT scans and MRI's searching for any sign of improvement were exhausting. I needed to get my mind off things.
"Yea, my roommate's out for a few hours, so we can hang out here."
"Good, saves me some gas money." I can't imagine that truck gets decent mileage. "I'm on my way."
Searching through the vast collection on my laptop, I find something reasonable. "The Davinci Load" would just have to work. Sitting there with limp meat-stick in hand moans and screams arise from my speakers, and I realize that nothing is happening. I look down. No fucking way. I flick it a few times. There's nothing. Not only does the medication make me cold, shaky, and a million other things, it's fucking making me impotent.
I reach for my phone, there's no point in Anna coming over for a booty call if shit's not working. I call, but there's no answer. I send her a text, "I hope you haven't left yet."
I keep hopelessly trying to erect my monument when my phone starts vibrating.
"Hello?"
"What do you mean you hope I haven't left yet? I'm almost there."
"Well...the medications have a uhm...a side effect." God I don't want to have to explain this to her.
"What kind of....Oh!" She laughs a bit. Goddamn it. "Well, I'm like ten minutes away, do you want to just hang out?"
"Yea, that's fine."
"....What changed between twenty minutes ago when I left and now?" Shit, another thing I didn't want to explain.
"Well you know."
I can just see her convulsing with laughter as she tries to drive.
"Alright, fair enough," still laughing, "sorry, I shouldn't be laughing huh?"
"Not so much."
"I'll be there in ten minutes."
She grabs a Playboy and fingers through the pages. "God this drill sergeant chick is hot." Goddamn her.
I pick up the pages the doctor gave me. Lists of all possible side effects from the drugs. She leans over my shoulder while I read. I can't find dysfunctional dick anywhere.
"Where's that at?" She points at the paper. It reads, "Erection lasting for up to four hours."
"It says it's rare." God why doesn't it say it anywhere?
"I think it's all in your head." She's decided.
"Which one?"
She snickers a bit, "Maybe you're just getting old."
"Fuck you."
"Awww..." She starts kissing my neck. God why is nothing working?
"Tease."
She stops for a moment. "How am I a tease?" She starts kissing my neck again. Tingling, hair standing on end, Jesus why can't I get hard?
"Because of this, what you're doing right now." I just need twenty minutes to let my mind empty of all the crap that's been floating around. "...Hey just cause my hand doesn't work doesn't mean yours won't."
She looks up at me, and immediately unbuttons my pants. Within seconds of contact I'm standing at attention. What the fuck? Why wasn't that happening for me?
"...Things seem to be working fine." She points out. Jesus she's horrible.
"Well then, have at it." She laughed. Fuck it I don't care. I was worried. I can't do much anymore: I can't drink, I can't drive (I can't do the combination together), if I wasn't able to have sex, I think it would have been a good time to die.
"It seems a bit smaller than usual." Wait, what?
"What? You can tell?"
"Hey what are you up to?" Anna sends me an instant message. Fuck I don't feel like talking right now.
I figure I can indulge her for a few moments, "Remember my kitty I told you about? The one that looks just like yours?"
"Yea."
"It died today."
"I'm so sorry."
I had that cat forever, I loved it. I haven't seen him since Christmas.
"How old was he?" She asked.
"17."
"...That's really old for a cat." I fucking know. I knew he was going to die eventually. I was hoping it'd be after I got home, after this goddamn shit was over with.
"I know. Why did this have to fucking happen now?"
"Bad things come in threes or something...I don't know."
"At this rate I'll be dead tomorrow."
"Don't say that..." Why does she care so fucking much? I'm just some guy she fucks.
"At least he died peacefully. Just staring out the window, while the meds are making me cry like a fucking baby." There was a pause from her end, a long silence. Even in the anonymity of the internet there are certain nonverbal cues that still get through. "Christ I value my cat's life more than my own. My life sucked before this happened. I hated everything, I was always miserable. They could have left my kitty out of it."
"Sometimes when we're faced with our own mortality, our life seems to have less value. I think it's because it's so easily taken away, and once we actually realize that, well things just seem to lack meaning."
I don't know what to fucking say to that. What does she know about facing her own mortality?
"Honestly, there's no way I can know what you're going through. It's just not possible. But believe it or not, I've had to cope with my own few brushes with my own end, and I know that nothing I can say will show more than sympathy rather than the empathy that it is. Because simply put nothing any one says can make things better. Especially when it's something you can't control."
I just don't want to fucking deal with this anymore. I don't want to fucking have this problem.
"Anyway, I'm rambling, so I'm going to go have a cigarette." She goes idle for a moment. I sign off. I just want to lie in my bed and soak in the shit that is my life. I fucking hate my job, I hate my day to day life, I hate this fucking state, I have a fucking brain tumor, and my cat just died. This is fucking ridiculous.
My phone vibrates, a text from Anna, "You don't want me to call huh? I should probably just stick to sex. It's better than rambling." Fuck. I must make her feel like shit. I shouldn't fucking care, but she's pretty much all I got here.
"I'm sorry I just have a lot to absorb." I click send. And lay back down. Christ.
"There's just one last thing I want to say, and I'm sorry for being a pest, but basically, despite everything, you are a friend, and I do care about you. I wish I could help, I wish I could make things not suck so much, I wish I could make you feel better. And I may not know what you're going through specifically, but I do know depression, and I think it's safe to say that you're depressed. I've found that being along by myself, letting myself brood, letting myself ache, can only make things worse. So when I need to battle with something, especially something I can't control, I surround myself with people, I get out, I don't let myself be alone. Even if it's just a quick fix, it's a short period of time where I'm not obsessing over whatever the catalyst is for my depression. Maybe that's why I bug you so much to hang out, because it's the only way I know how to help. But I'm sorry. Let me know if you still want to see a movie on Sunday."
I set the phone on the desk and let my head hit the pillow. I just want this to end. I just want things to be back to normal.
User Reviews
Submitted by paul_anthony (user info) at 2007-03-15 11:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
terrible, really
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-13 19:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
deep shit dude
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-03-13 13:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kick ass as is normal
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-06 06:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew it'd be worth waiting til I had a decent bit of free time to work through these.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-06 05:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hell love.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2007-03-06 01:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-05 22:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-03-05 14:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-05 14:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-05 14:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2007-03-05 13:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel morbid for loving this so much
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-05 13:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great as usual.
Needs some more humor. I like funny.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-05 13:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone has the candelabra in their graying pussy. I didn't read this...or any of the others for that matter. This is an insignificant offering from me.