A BADD Stand-up Routine (929 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by beeltea (View user info) at 2007-03-05 16:48:56 EST
(This post is my ADD entry.)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/99355
Hey, great crowd!
Sometimes sportscasters use clichés that don't make any sense to me. Like yesterday, I was watching this basketball game, and the announcer was like, "They're draining threes like there's no tomorrow!"
If there really wasn't a tomorrow, my day would probably involve drugs and hookers. Or maybe by then I'd have found religion and start repenting. One thing you can bet I wouldn't be doing is trying to perfect my jump shot.
Hoo-boy. Tough crowd.
If I were a midget, I'll bet the term "one size fits all" would piss me off.
Cause it wouldn't, you know?
When I was a kid, I believed in the tooth fairy, and I decided to see if there were other fairies; so I would keep everything I ever had removed from my body and put it under my pillow.
So all you children out there, listen up: there is nofingernail, appendix, tonsil, or booger fairy. Don't even bother.
I have a friend who lives in the mountains in Colorado. He called me the other day and asked, "What's up?"
I just said, "you".
Cause he's at a higher altitude, ya know? Aww shit. Stay with me.
One of my first jobs when I moved to New York was handing out flyers. I had to hand out seven hundred flyers a day, or just sit at a bar for five hours and go to one trash can.
You know, the bible says that Jesus is the light of the world, but I guess the bible isn't supposed to be taken literally, because nowhere in it does it say that Jesus is a massive ball of hydrogen 150 million kilometers from Earth.
Oh we're cooking now.
If somebody in a bar asks you if you want to throw darts, make sure the bar has a dart board. Otherwise you'll probably get in trouble. As an accomplice.
You know? Right?
In the same vein, make sure anybody asking if you want headshots is a PHOTOGRAPHER.
Speaking of the acting biz, I haven't had any jobs in a while, unless you count my current job, where I act like I care.
Ooooh... whiz-bang! Keep that bass-line rolling, Jimmy.
Did you see that movie 300? Was it any good?
I didn't see it, because I don't think I would be able to follow it; after all, I didn't have time to see the first two hundred and ninety-nine.
Bow bum BUM bum bum...(thanks Jimmy)
You know, I wasn't around in 1776, but if I was, I would have loved to hear the conversation between the leaders of France, the Netherlands, and Spain; and the newly sovereign colonies of the Americas. I hope it sounded something like this:
European countries recognizing colonial sovereignty: Hey colonies of America, URINATION!
America: Thanks, YOU'RE 'A PEEIN'!
Get it? You're a nation... European... ah...
Holy shit, 474 words... gotta close strong...
Bart -2ed a post of mine, so I left a nasty message on his
Cilfone!
Thank you!
Goodnight.
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-03-06 12:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 ADD entry.
Is it fat and hairy in here, or is it just me?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-03-06 08:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-06 07:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yar har sup par.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-03-06 05:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good...
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-06 04:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff..
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-03-06 03:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicks some serious ass.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-03-06 02:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Prepare to receive his dark medicine.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-05 22:34:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-03-05 21:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you hear about the mature, well adjusted teenager?
He was looking for advice what to do about his pimples.
I said to him use "Oxy, moron."
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-03-05 20:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Man, I haven't slept for ten days... because... that would be too long.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-05 20:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA- Mitch Hedberg feel, for sure. God I miss that man.
Your little interim comments cracked me up, too.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-03-05 20:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-05 20:22:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and
admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being
a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in
the clowning business.
-- Homer Simpson
Homie the Clown
---------
This is the first time I ever done this.
ps, It's the last time I'm ever doing this.
Submitted by deelo (user info) at 2007-03-05 20:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow that really was badd...good work
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-03-05 19:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
no booger fairy?
that's ok, it was starting to get pretty rank under my pillow anyway
ba-da-boom
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-05 19:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mitch Hedberg, RIP.
-----
Indeed
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-03-05 19:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2007-03-05 19:10:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are these original? If so,kudos.
---These are all mine, baby. Except the snare rip-off of mitch hedberg on "flyer hander outers" which is similar, but I definately experienced, so it's mine now. Mitch Hedberg, RIP.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-03-05 19:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2007-03-05 19:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are these original? If so,kudos.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-05 19:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-03-05 18:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Will Zone?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-03-05 18:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
tick tick tock boom
Submitted by paul_anthony (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you see that movie 300? Was it any good?
I didn't see it, because I don't think I would be able to follow it; after all, I didn't have time to see the first two hundred and ninety-nine.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beeltea, This was the good kind of bad.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:06:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are those Mandy Smoak's tomatoes?
_____________________
WHAT IS THIS!? A Mandy Smoak reference? MUhahahhahaha. http://www.ubersite.com/m/88325
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:07:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why, but the bit about fairies made me laugh...worrisome
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are those Mandy Smoak's tomatoes?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-03-05 17:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, the bible says that Jesus is the light of the world, but I guess the bible isn't supposed to be taken literally, because nowhere in it does it say that Jesus is a massive ball of hydrogen 150 million kilometers from Earth.
+2 for that