Formulaic, Exaggerated, and Filled with Convenient Oddities - How I Emulated a JoeyG Post (872 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GANK (View user info) at 2007-03-07 17:26:07 EST
Never judge a book by its cover, even if it's a little book.
Or a little person. They're people too you know.
It's just that, they can do some things that normal people can't, like undetected shoplifting. And playing stunt-double to some child actor who will no doubt grow more and more awkward-looking. And not kneeling down to pick up anything, ever.
This latter ability can be extrememly useful. At least, it was last Friday night.
I was minding my own business, having a pint with a friend at a hole-in-the-wall pub near where I work. Just as I was telling him a completely realistic story about the stalking tendencies of the cleaning lady, I felt a tap on my hip.
I turned around and didn't see anyone.
"Hey there big guy," came the voice from the floor.
Now, if anything I was surprised by the pick-up line. The other five times that I've been chatted up by a midget, we danced around the heighth issue. She seemed to be inviting the discussion. Although I wasn't too impressed by the expression.
"Isn't everyone big to you?" My friend tried his best not to laugh, and I immediately thought I'd be burned at the stake by the Little Person Anti-Defamation League, but she was surprisingly unaffected.
"Not everyone," she winked.
Sexual innuendo from a girl that was no taller than my waist? Well that fact, in and of itself, is a little bit of innuendo. And I'm not one to turn down sexual favors of any kind.
I've said it before, I have no shame.
So I do my best bit of linguistic manuevering, and all the while my mate standing there couldn't fucking believe I was going for it. Hey, it was going to make for a kickass story, was it not?
"I bet you're very surprising in a lot of ways," I continued.
She nodded and proceeded to play with the straw in her strawberry mohito. It had a little umbrella in it too, which I took and held over her head.
"That's convenient for you if it rains later." I was really pushing the envelope now, and got a fierce punch in the thigh in return.
"Ouch, that really hurt." I sounded like a wuss, but I sure as hell didn't expect her to bring the force of a dwarfish axe. Although, it made sense now that I thought of it like that.
"I can kiss it and make it better if you want." This was exactly the invitation I needed.
"Sure, but you'll have to do it somewhere private."
The ladies room was locked, so we checked the men's room for occupants, and then locked it behind us. All manner of foul smells permeated the air, and the floor was covered with puddles of unidentified liquids. Unflushed toilets, vomit, it was all there.
"Now where did I punch you? Let me see."
I removed my pants enough for her to examine the slightly bruised spot on my thigh. A semi stiffy was starting to poke through my boxers, which she grabbed when she kissed my leg.
"This probably isn't the best place for this," I reconsidered, "you'll get your knees all filthy in here."
"Why would I kneel down," she asked. It was obvious enough, but it took awhile to register.
Why would she kneel down? This is going to make for a fabulous story.
"Oh yes, of course," is all I could muster, as she was already starting on the best blow-job I've ever received. She could really put her weight behind it, even jumping when appropriate.
Just as I was about to finish, she side-stepped out of the way. I'd like to see a normal girl get away that quickly. The explosive nature of my ejaculation, however, caused me to double over.
Ahh, shit, now my knees were filthy.
And I added yet one more unidentifiable liquid to the floor.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-05 15:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112236#2546820
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-20 17:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
clever bart
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-20 17:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
apparently ubersite somehow prevents redundent comments
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-20 17:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-20 17:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the fractal you are remembering, and basing the unoriginal comment on, was actually a fractal I submitted early for an APW post. I couldnt find any other fractals on this site that looked remotely like mine.
But whatever. I was just angry cause everyone instantly jumped to the conclusion that I didnt make them (and I thought you did too, 'unoriginal' is kinda vague). But to borrow the words of a wiser tongue, the one charm of the past is that its the past.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-13 21:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this -2 is because you're an asshole
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-09 10:42:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just saw your response, and you make a valid point. Niche != subject material.
Nonetheless, I think we can agree that at least what Joey writes, he writes well, most of the time.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-03-09 00:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"force of a dwarvish axe"... yeah that was amusing
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-03-08 15:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno gank.
YOU may be able to emulate this kind of story, but I sure couldn't - nor could a lot of folks running around out here.
I appreciate the sentiment, though - I tend to feel that way about art. It's pretty easy to emulate the 'style' of many artists - and I am often unimpressed with many creations. I tend to have a feeling of "I can do that."
But I don't - cuz it's boring - and I have lots of other things to not do.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-03-08 13:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Captain/Drogo,
I qualified my position below. You can have a niche, but when your niche is a repetitive story formula, usually about an awkward sexual episode, it gets tiresome.
Music is too general to be a niche. Hell, it's not like you're doing the same SONG twenty different ways.
And the same goes for poetry. Orgasmatron writes about all kinds of different things, using poetry as a vehicle.
And TTOM might have his own style or formula, but that dude posts on a whole variety of wacky shit.
The main point is, I can crank out posts like this every day, with their own titles and without referencing JoeyG. It's too easy, and it's just plain BORING.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-08 11:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-08 02:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-08 01:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm naked AND listening to Justin Timberlake. RIGHT NOW.
--------------------------
I'm naked and thinking of you listening to Justin Timberlake RIGHT NOW.
Thing is im at work...
======
HAHAHAHAH
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-08 11:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What Captain Thorns said below.
Christ some people on this site just take things far too seriously.
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-03-08 10:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-08 10:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not one to turn down sexual favors of any kind.
I've said it before, I have no shame.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-08 08:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
blahblah...imitation...blahblahblah...flattery...blah
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-08 08:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey, we all have our own "niche" or "speciality" on here. That's what makes each of us unique. Joey specializes in embellished semi-fiction comedy. I do the music schtick. DesolanteMisanthrope is a master of -2s. Orgasmo does poetry. You get the idea...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-08 08:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can take them and spin them around on your bob whistle.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2007-03-08 04:12:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-08 02:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-08 01:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm naked AND listening to Justin Timberlake. RIGHT NOW.
--------------------------
I'm naked and thinking of you listening to Justin Timberlake RIGHT NOW.
Thing is im at work....
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-08 01:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm naked AND listening to Justin Timberlake. RIGHT NOW.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-03-08 00:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've thought about, and touched myself to, this very idea for a very long time.
I suppose I'll have to settle for 7 year-old boys, though.
Ah, l'amour.
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-07 23:29:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha thats absolutely terrible
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-03-07 23:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It appears Axolotl...spends far too much time on ubersite.
^^^
The boy needs some pussy in an awful way.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-03-07 20:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for nailing it.
But only that, because what you are imitating is itself so tired.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-03-07 19:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*kinda wants to mess around with a midget*
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-03-07 19:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehheh funny
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-07 18:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS
Thanks for the name drop.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-07 18:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've busted me.
I have a magic key, to a magic machine. It's programmed in simple JoeyG Basic.
I twist the key, and it formats my next post for me.
Some people like the machine, some don't.
I'm a born again muslim clown.
If I had money, you could sue me.
But I don't, so, you'll have to stick with it.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out I formulate a few facts, but I post what I post in order to raise a smile on the faces of people like me who spend endless hours in front of a desk and need a break from reality.
Maybe I'm the only person on this planet who needs a break from the norm, but if I can raise a smile on the face of someone stuck in front of a monitor, then that's all I care about.
I totally see where you're coming from.
I just don't wanna be there.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My opinion is that work sucks, and I love anything that takes my mind away from that.
If that's wrong, sue me*
*see above - I aint got shit.
Sorry to rant, but I'm drunk.
Love you
Joey
xxxx
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-07 18:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Being a teenager (ie thinking I know everything etc) I'm probably not going to change my mind, but I see what you're getting at.
And I'm free as a bird
And this bird does not change
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-03-07 18:17:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't mind formulaic, or exaggerated, or filled with convenient oddities, when they are by themselves or in small doses.
But when they are all together, and they're overdone, it's like Circe said. It seems to be, "just add water and stir".
I GOT A BLOW-JOB FROM A MIDGET!! LOLLERSKATEZ.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-03-07 18:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
everyone goes through the joey phase - first it was me then nath then someone else then joey.
he's a good egg though.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I judged too quickly. It appears Axolotl is the only one who doesn't get the joke.
But he's so young, and spends far too much time on ubersite.
Time to spread your wings, boy.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALL was formulaic, too. TTOM is formulaic. CBG was always formulaic. Bickerstaff is formulaic. Badlands is formulaic. Dave Barry is formulaic. Maddox is formulaic. Tucker Max is formulaic.
STFU
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this was really funny.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should've scrolled up a bit more Ax:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98986#2321279
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy reading Joey G, but I've always felt that too many writers on Uber present things as the whole truth and nothing but when they are... embellished. There's nothing wrong with a funny story, but when they overstep the line the story dies a quick death.
This was excellent.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe so, but I don't see it as tiresome or the same one big story. If it makes me laugh, that's what matters, it's not anything deeper for me.
Relevant - http://www.ubersite.com/m/98986#2321267
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:45:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Zebra, yes I was going for the obvious, and the obvious jokes.
Axolotl, I'm not saying he's unoriginal. But if your originality is the same thing over and over, then it gets tiresome. I loved some of his first ones. But c'mon, "recall awkward sexual situation" gets oooold.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. I pretty much hate Bridget, but I'd hit it anyway.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course he makes things up/exaggerates in his stories, that's what authors do. Even so, even the shittiest post of his is better than anything you've ever posted (and 85% of what I've posted, to be fair)
This is what I don't get about this place: people complain that Ubersite is shitty and unoriginal, or it's plagued by trolls and alters, but when an original, funny writer comes along like JoeyG or Sideburns, everyone lapidates them and says they're formulaic and worthless. People need to make up their minds, do they want nothing but rabbits and rape fictions, or what?
You want a rabbit? Here's your fucking rabbit.
....
</tough guy voice ends embarassedly>
Decent parody, even if I think it's completely unwarranted. You're shooting at the wrong bird.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:35:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
As a parody, not too bad.
However, I've noticed nuance and subtlety is often unappreciated or misunderstood here.
And it would have helped if the jokes were a wee bit funnier, but perhaps that is your point.
If so, then obviously unfunny jokes were perhaps the way to go.
A solid effort.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:34:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not cool enough to be a midget, I'm just plain short.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:34:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellently put together, and you even finished it off with Bridget.
This works on all levels - very very very well done
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"And I'm not one to turn down sexual favors of any kind.
I've said it before, I have no shame. "
I wrote this?
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
See anything on this page: http://www.ubersite.com/u/JoeyG .
IMO GET YOU SOME HITS.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-07 17:33:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Surreal moments like that are what I Live for.
Shame is a shackle that limits your experiences. Way to go.