Beating up Karate Kid is as easy as 1,2,3 (791 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S R (View user info) at 2007-03-09 01:05:51 EST
You know what gets my goat? Makes my blood boil? Really pushes me over the edge? Fuckin' kids. And not the regular kind, or the born to be loser kind, or the I got nothing else to lean to so I'll be emo kind, or the I don't care but really do punk kind or hey ma I'm badass kind or the wish I didn't have any morals so I could smack the cry out of you kind or the shut the fuck-up kind, or the daddy bought me this car kind, or the I'm soo cool that I wack off 3 times a day in the fuckin' bathroom stall kind...I hate the fuckin' Karate Kinds.
Now I've worked in a high school for three years, plus worked with kids from ages 6-11 in the summers for numerous years. It's pretty much where I base my list off of. But never have I truly come across a Karate Kind.
You know the kind, that took karate and think they're invincible, they worship their Sensei and only listen to them. If they believe they are cool, then they are. I'm sorry but your not. You know that kind.
I don't even know where to start. I was walking back to my car from my nonpaying internship the other day. It was windy, it was cold, it was February in Montreal. I parkedd aboot 6 blocks away so I didnt have to pay metre parking because I'm as poor as my speling. When I see a car side swipe my newly purchased 1993, 200 thousand Kilometer (ohh about 125000 miles, for you American folks), white Honda Civic sedan. Now he wasn't driving anything nicer, I honestly couldn't even tell you want it was other than red. The only reason I he stopped is because I stepped in front of his car and put my hand on his hood.
Right away I could tell he was young, If he was driving he must have been at least 16, but from his piss poor aim to drive straight, he could have been 14. He weighed maybe 130lbs and the acme reeked of virgin. He steps out of his car.
Now in my past dealing with kids has come easy. Especially if there is a problem
Step 1- Talk to them like adults, works for the most part.
"Why'd you step in front of my car"- The Karate Kid says.
Initiate step one: "Well I saw you hit that car over there and it happens to be m..."
"No I didn't, you didn't see nothing!" -Karate Kid says not knowing yet that it was my car he helped give a red racing stripe too.
Re-initialize step 1: "Look, It's not a problem let's just get our insurance papers out..."
"You didn't see nothing!"
Okay so step one was a bust, easy, move on to step two.
Step 2- Intimidate kids to the point the point of reason, increase the level of your tone, This is usually my last resort and as 6 foot, 210lb 28 year old, it works 100% of the time.
"OK, I saw you hit MY CAR and you are going to pay for the damages."-I state in a firm manly tone.
"Oh, what are you going to do make me?"
Now I can see maybe the badass type kids stepping up to the plate at this point, But this kid was no bad ass with his parted hair and yellow puffy jacket. So I step it further by giving him a look or is it the look? You know the look like I'm in charge you're a fuckin' kid and you have no chance in hell.
Then he kicks me.
Square in the jaw, never saw it coming. Was it a left or a right? Who fuckin' knows.
I'm no slouch though, so I kept my footing.
Step 3- Since your dealing with a kid, its tough to use physical force, but I was spanked as a kid and I think I turned out alright... until now. So I'll call this restrained force.
After the kick, he heads right for his car. I'm quick enough to get there before he gets into the car. I was able to kick the door on him as he tried slipping into the car. At this point I'm fine and I know I'm dealing with some kid that probably been taking karate lessons since Jimmy stole his lunch money in the second grade.
Just looking at this kid, if I was Jimmy I would have stole his lunch money too.
Now he goes for another one of those surprise kicks to the head, but I went to University I'm not stupid, I learn from things that happened 12 seconds earlier.
Unlike Karate kid, because I just slammed the door on him, again.
He gets up, and for some reason I felt like punching him was wrong (Step 3, restrained force). So I head butted him. My skull must have knocked that dojo mojo out of his head, cause he was done.
"You going to be a problem anymore?" -I say as he sits against his car on the inside of the open door in which I have my hands on.
"No, sir"
"Call me Sensei" as I bow and take 10$ for lunch out of his wallet.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-12 12:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some kids will never learn until they take a solid ass kicking
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-03-11 19:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "dojo mojo"
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-11 16:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-11 16:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2007-03-10 02:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-09 16:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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where did that happen?
you didn't beat a poor innocent pure laine did you, english opressor? :-P
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just outisde of west mount near greene and sherbrooke
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-03-09 17:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-09 16:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2007-03-09 10:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is that story true though?
i didn't see that kind of action when i lived in the west island.
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im Downtown most of the time now
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where did that happen?
you didn't beat a poor innocent pure laine did you, english opressor? :-P
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 15:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shirts and socks, baby socks and shoes
We spent the night last night in Newport News
This chick she looked just like Elisabeth Shue
We got brused
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-09 15:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2007-03-09 15:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Taking karate lessons at the Y does not make you Bruce Lee....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-09 14:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 10:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and additionally -- SWEEP THE LEG.
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fucker - you beat me to it
Submitted by zimm0r (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
!FIRE! !FIRE! !FIRE!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-09 11:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-03-09 07:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beating up kids should be an olympic sport.
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Agreed
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-09 11:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great story
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-03-09 11:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"probably been taking karate lessons since Jimmy stole his lunch money in the second grade"
Yep. Too bad for him I was taking Jiu Jitsu. "Monkey steals peach" will beat a kick to the head any day of the week.
This was of course a long time ago, pre-sainthood. I certainly no longer condone such actions.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-09 11:03:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Redskies - you rule, mate. You beat me to the Frantics reference.
SR - the kid didn't look eye.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2007-03-09 10:50:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is that story true though?
i didn't see that kind of action when i lived in the west island.
-------------
im Downtown most of the time now
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 10:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and additionally -- SWEEP THE LEG.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 10:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Daniel never should have gone to Okinawa. Why would you leave Elisabeth Shue behind for Tamlyn Tomita? I ASK YOU.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
First, Daniel wasn't getting ready to bone anyone. I'm convinced he was a virgin
Second, Nephew only went after Kumiko because Daniel wanted her. Nephew wanted Kumiko as a trophy.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah, Nephew wanted the chick Daniel was gettin' ready to bone. The Sato/Miyagi thing was log-chopping filler.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And sorry for answering your rhetorical question. I couldn't help myself. :)
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2007-03-09 08:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Rhetorical question about the picture: Why did that Sato's nephew hate Daniel so much? Is it because he was white?
Racist fucker, that guy was.
=====================================
No way. Nephew was the most complex character in 80's cinema. Sato instilled in him this overriding belief in honor. Since Daniel's sensei was, in Sato's eyes, such an honorless coward, Daniel was also an honorless coward. Nephew was caught up in his Uncle's negative energy
Plus, Daniel played with a baby rattle. Nephew doesn't like baby rattles.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is that story true though?
i didn't see that kind of action when i lived in the west island.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture is priceless...haha
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-09 09:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Double back handed compliments are what makes me think you have scrotal insignificance. Want to make out?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2007-03-09 08:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Rhetorical question about the picture: Why did that Sato's nephew hate Daniel so much? Is it because he was white?
Racist fucker, that guy was.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-09 08:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92830
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-09 07:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer's Odyssey
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-03-09 07:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beating up kids should be an olympic sport.
Submitted by paul_anthony (user info) at 2007-03-09 07:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-03-09 06:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck restrained force. If some 16 year-old punk kicked me he'd get the ugly beat out of him. Then again, maybe I'm just a violent fucker.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-09 05:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Master: Approach students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of tae-kwon-leep, but be warned. To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate on this wisdom now.
Ed: Uh sir... sir... ooo! ooo! Sir!
Master: Who disturbs our meditation as a pebble disturbs a pond?
Ed: Me. Ed Gooberman.
Master: E... Ed Gooberman.
Ed: Yeah. No disrespect or nothing, but like how long is this going to take?
Master: Tae-Kwon-Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.
Ed: So like, what, an hour or so?
Master: No, no. We have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gooberman, you must learn patience.
Ed: Yeah, yeah, patience. How long will that take?
Master: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.
Ed: A year?! I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas. Ha..yo...wa... wooo!
Master: Beat people up?
Ed: Yeah, just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozo's. That's all I came here for. Yo-as-ta-ta-shah! Pretty good aye?
Master: The only use of Tae-Kwon-Leep is self defense. Do you know who said that? Ki-lo-knee, the great teacher.
Ed: Yeah, well the best defense is a good o-fense. Do you know who said that? Mel, the cook on Alice.
Master: Well, umm... Tae-Kwon Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate on this truth with us. Ahhh.... ohhhhh....
Ed: Listen shrimp, now are you gonna show me those nifty moves, or am I gonna start wapping the walls with you?
Master: Ed Gooberman, you fail to grasp Tae-Kwon Leep. Approach me so that you may see.
Ed: Alright, finally some action.
Master: Observe closely class. Boot to the Head [boom].
Ed: Ow, you booted me in the head!
Master: You are lucky Ed Gooberman. Few novices experiece so much of Tae-Kwon Leep so soon.
Ed: Ow, oh, my head.
Master: Now we continue.
Ed: Hey, hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now, come on, are you chicken?
Master: Boot to the head [boom].
Ed: Ow! Okay, now I'm ready, come on, try it now.
Master: Boot to the head [boom].
Ed: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute? Ow.
Master: Now class, we shall return to our...
Student 1: Master.
Master: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge student.
Student 1: Many apologies master, but I feel Ed Gooberman is not wholly wrong.
Master: What do you mean?
Student 1: I want to boot some head too.
Master: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gooberman?
Student 1: Yes master, I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's oppenent.
Master: Very good.
Student 1: And get in the first shot. Boot to the head [half a boom].
Master: You missed.
Student 1: Uh, yeah, well ...
Master: You to shall be honoured to learn a lesson.
Student 1: Ya know, I can... you don't have to ya know... I gotta be going....
Master: Boot to the Head [boom].
Student 1: ooo...ya.. ehh... ooooogggg... awwwwww
Master: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?
Student 2: Uh, yes master, not a single one of could defeat you.
Master: You gain wisdom child.
Student 2: So we'll have to gang up on you! Get him now!
Master: Boot... [boom]... boot to... [boom]... ht.. [boom], [boom], [boom] [boom] [boom], [boom] [boom]... [boom]
Master: And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body, and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation. Ahh... owwww....
Students: ahhh... oooooowwwww.....
Master: Very good, class.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-09 01:12:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Little shits.
I took "Hap Ki Do" for two years with my ex-wife and our kids, mainly as a recreational, family oriented exercise we could all spend time together doing.
Then I got into a play wrestling match with my uncle and thought I'd pull a few moves on him.
He then proceeded to humilate me and realize that I'd wasted thousands of dollars on a useless form of dance lessons.
:-(