The Ass-Splash Theory and How Only YOU Can Prevent Anal Disease (888 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.43 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2007-03-12 21:27:29 EDT
I've heard it said that you should keep your toothbrush a minimum of 3' (16kM) away from your toilet because of airborne fecal matter that is instantly displaced in the event of a loaded toilet flush. Who really wants to brush their teeth with poop? Before you answer, "Me!!", read on. I've also heard that a courtesy flush is...well...courteous. But in the middle, there are some dangerous grounds to cover.
The way I figure, if you do happen to give a courtesy flush, the omni-present shit cloud that ensues can only go one place; up your horribly disfigured turd-cutter! This can lead to all sorts of really hard-to-explain situations.
For instance:
Have you ever tried to get a "Rusty Trombone" with a cloud of shit around your stink-star? I think naught! And if you have, successfully, please give her my number, but you should never go Ass-to-Mouth.
Unless you really want to.
Now I can see the instant gratification of performing a courtesy flush, but do you think the damage you do to yourself in the process really justifies those actions? I say, "Let 'em smell it"! I refuse to damage my sphincter for any man. Realizing how amazingly un-gay that statement is will help you better be able to read on.
I was railing this chick the other day (and when I say, "Railing", I mean, "Begging her for sex, much to my dismay") when she told me something that no other woman has ever told me:
"If you ever try to lick my asshole again when you go down on me, I'm gonna ram a spray can of canola oil up yours!"
I weighed my options carefully, because one should when they're facing unwanted anal invasion, and responded thusly:
"If you're trying to turn me on, it's working splendidly"
She rolled her eyes and made her way into the kitchen to grab the aerosol can of which she threatened me with, but in her leave, I thought about what I had said and what it's possible consequences could be to myself and possibly my posterity. Changing my mind, I did what any self-respecting man would do in my situation; I wiped my manhood on her drapes and made my way out the window with the stealth of a Tourette's patient in a library hall.
Several weeks and dry-cleaning bills later, I ran into the young lady in a setting that some would consider uncomfortable. At my parents house for a late dinner.
What she was doing there, I doubt if I'll ever know. But what I do know is this; if you ever have a situation such as this one, never tell the woman where your parents live. This can only make matters worse. Plus, do you think your parents really want to know about your sexual escapades? Have a heart!
We were about half-way done with dessert when she grabbed the bottle of Magic Shell chocolate sauce and started madly waving it in the air and shouting curses at the top of her lungs. This caused 2 things to happen:
1.) A very tasty clean-up
and
B.) Some very livid dinner hosts.
I think the lesson can be summed up here in the phrase, "Do into others as you would have others do into you"
I think it was in the Koran. Or the Torah. Same thing really.
All I'm trying to say is, maybe you should really think about the ass-to-mouth thing before you just go off and try to be a God in the bedroom. Some folks don't care much for it and you could potentially end up licking an instantly hardened shell of chocolate off the house cat.
In a perfect world, there would be no distiction of "Right" and "Wrong". Unfotunately, we live in a world in which rules are set in place for both health and comfortability, which isn't that unfortunate if you think about it. Unless you really like the taste of twice-heated corn kernels. Then you're just screwed.
I promised not to tell anyone about the incident, but do you think that by not talking about it, we could ever work through our differences in bedroom pleasure? I don't, so I seek your advice, oh great interwebs. Is A-T-M acceptable, or is that an occurance that is better left to professionals and midgets?
Do tell!!
Google Image Search: A-T-M
User Reviews
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-14 15:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3' (16kM)
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Your grasp of weights and measures is as solid as it has ever been, my good man. Bravo Zulu!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-13 17:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy WTF. Make that "That's a perfectly fine pair..."
Sweet fiddling Christ what's wrong with me today.
peefootjobpeefootjobpeefootjobpeefootjobpeefootjobpeefootjobpeefootjobWEE!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-13 17:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those are a perfectly fine pair of shoes to go and ruin with piss rivulets.
For shame. Bad girl. Bad, bad girl. Naughty naughty no!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-13 17:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really don't see how anyone could view Ubersite as anything but a loving, accepting place. I reall don't!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-13 14:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another one cause I fucked up. +2
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-13 14:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking stupid windows browser!!!! +2+2+2
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-13 14:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll give you a 2 because I've yet to perform the A-T-M on a willing participant as of yet. And the writing made me laugh too.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
However, in spite of the fact that you were all over the place, this did make me laugh more than once.
1.5
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to agree with the disjointed comment.
This really was all over the place. Your title only applies to the first 1/3 of the piece, then your off talking about rusty musical instruments and magic shell.
I could see this working as a spoken word piece, but in reads like it was written by a kid with ADD and a nasty crack habit.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's okay, LM. I still love you.
I have to, if we're both going to be lungfish's co-wives.
_________
Now that works out for me just fine lovely lady.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's okay, LM. I still love you.
I have to, if we're both going to be lungfish's co-wives.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 11:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish I will think of you the whole time.
AD, I'm not an internet slut!!!........oh wait, no, yeah, your right. I am.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-13 10:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2007-03-13 09:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-13 09:26:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Little Monster is such an internet slut!! I love it.
Dan is a rather charming name. Plus, it's only one letter off from "Damn" and sometimes I type that at the end of my emails, pretending not to notice.
BUT I NOTICE. DEAR GOD DO I NOTICE!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-13 09:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-12 22:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RIM, RIM, RIM WENT THE TONGUEEEEEEEEEEYS
WINK, WINK, WINK WENT THE STAAAAAAAAAARS...
------------------------
That made me laugh harder than a Muppet at a porn convention.
A_D - congrats on the 100K! Speaking of Ass-Splash, that brought back memories of my very first post...http://www.ubersite.com/m/57112
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-13 09:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're forgiven. I'm off to work. Have fun having all that sex. Don't think about me slaving away in the ghetto with my bad back which might preclude me from having any sex anyway.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 09:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-07 07:01:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Easy.
F: Average Dan
M: Lungfish
K: Evil_Morg. Only cause it said I had ugly shoes.
__________
Awwwwwwwww Lungfish, you never told me your name was Dan!!!!!
That works out perfectly. Lovely name Dan.
*puppy eyes begging forgiveness*
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-13 09:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm DAN TOO!!!!!!!
And you want to marry me. You just want to have sex with him.
Hey wait a minute...
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 09:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-13 08:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LM just likes guys named Dan. I can live with this.
_________
He was my choise to have sex with remember lungfish. you said it was ok. I only like this dan.
Must go find the link.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-13 08:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LM just likes guys named Dan. I can live with this.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-13 08:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SAYS YOU!!!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 08:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why you were on my list.
ATM is not acceptable.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-03-13 04:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool pic..
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-13 04:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-13 01:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish we had some flavored coffee to help us celebrate these special moments....
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-13 01:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And it means a lot to me as well.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-13 01:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS I love you like I love ass play..and that's a lot.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-13 01:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-12 21:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wonder if my life will change now?
Do you think I'll ever get laid? Or will I continue to punish myself in my room with only my computer for sexual solace?
======
You're stuck with the computer, like the rest of us.
upside? It will never steal the covers or bitch about its hair looking bad in the morning.
Submitted by FistSoup (user info) at 2007-03-12 23:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Has no one else noticed that the girl in the picture is totally pissing herself? How did that escape notice?
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-12 23:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Is the picture supposed to alleviate any mention of the nonexistent humor?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-12 22:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-12 22:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NICE!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-12 22:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE YOU TOO. AND YES, IN THE GAY WAY.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-12 22:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Zebra,
I'm going to use this in a spoken word piece I'm doing in April. I'll let you know how it goes over.
Orgasmatron,
I FUKEN LOVE YOU, MAN!1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-12 22:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RIM, RIM, RIM WENT THE TONGUEEEEEEEEEEYS
WINK, WINK, WINK WENT THE STAAAAAAAAAARS...
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-12 22:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I found this story disjointed.
It was a series of (almost) one liners and vaguely amusing ideas in need of a coherent narrative.
Far too many unanswered questions for such a short piece, yet none really interesting enough to pursue, really.
It might be interesting to develop as a live piece, say for a storytelling event or stand-up, but it still needs a connecting thread.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-12 21:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course, Lishy.
I thought we already had that planned?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-12 21:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and FoolProof,
Do you think if I put up another 200 posts, I could possibly catch you???
I love you and continue to think about that one night in Paris. WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-12 21:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY We both just reached 100K woo
a) ATM is for the movies.
b) She should be THANKING you for your generous oral exploration.
c) Marry me?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-12 21:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wonder if my life will change now?
Do you think I'll ever get laid? Or will I continue to punish myself in my room with only my computer for sexual solace?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-03-12 21:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on the 100,000!
And this was brilliant btw.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-03-12 21:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay.
Congrats on being 45k behind me, SUCKA!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-03-12 21:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone should congratulate me on getting 100,000 hits and failing to realize it at some point.