This woman shouldn't do a mans job (1223 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2007-03-13 11:39:40 EDT
I'm sure there are plenty of women out there capable of taking care of themselves. They know how to fix their cars and wouldn't hesitate to get on with a bit of DIY. I'm not one of these women. I can rewire a plug and bleed my radiators. That's about as far as it goes. I can change the oil in a car and top up the windscreen washer water, but I should not ever be allowed near a power tool.
For some reason I was convinced today would be different. There are a million and one things that need doing around here and I am sick and tired of looking at it all. I'm not stupid enough to attempt the shelves, which still need fixing from when I put them up. Nor am I foolish enough to think that I can fix the leaking tap in the bathroom. Last time I tried to fix anything to do with the plumbing I flooded the upstairs, resulting in the kitchen ceiling falling in. That was very expensive.
I thought I would have been safe however moving the pine double bed from one room into the other. As far as I could see all that I needed to do, was dismantle the frame with alum keys, fight through the hall way and door frames and put the damn thing back together where I wanted it. It was a great plan. Fuelled on peanut butter sandwiches and bitter tea. I was convinced that this time it would be ok
To my delight and joy, I managed to take it apart. A little frazzled and a lot of swearing later I had the whole lot in bits, a neat pile of screws, washers and nuts, large and smaller bits of wood, not to mention the mattress, which was propped up by the door in all it's glory. In my fit of happiness I made an error in judgement. I decided I was going to have a brake. I shouldn't have left for a second. I disappeared down to the kitchen for a well-earned glass of squash. I came back five minuets later and began the task of hauling everything down the hall.
Even this went well, apart from when I slipped and tumbled down the stairs. That will be left out the memoirs though, because not even raging carpet burn on my elbow could put me in a bad mood. The bed was in the spare room and just needed putting back together. I arranged everything as I wanted it and set about my task. Only there was a problem. The shelf I had left the alum key on, was now empty.
This wasn't right, I hadn't moved it. I decided it must have been knocked off and scrabbled around to look for it. Nothing. Not even a clue or trace of where it might have gone. I franticly ran around trying to locate the sodding thing, but still it eluded me. After exhausting all possibilities I checked on the cat, knowing the dog hadn't been upstairs, the cat seemed like a likely culprit. Yet she was sleeping in exactly the same spot and position I had left her in. I checked the kitchen, my pockets, every suraface upstairs. I even checked my hair (I have lost many pencils in messy buns).
I looked about forlornly at my bed and settled back down to work. Disappointed and concerned for my sanity. That's when I remembered all the trouble I had in Spain with things going missing. Could it be possible I have another thieving little gremlin here too? It would explain where my keys have ended up, also where my favourite lipstick has gone. Now many would blame that on the vodka I drank, but I know better now.
I now have to go and tell the nice builders over the road that not only have I lost one of their alum keys, but could they please lend me another so I can put my bed back together. They still haven't forgiven me for what I did to the drill I borrowed. Well, the drill heads to be more exact. Until that time comes to pass I will continue to hunt for the missing key and tie down anything of importance, just in case it too should go missing.
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-08 04:30:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really fancied peanut butter on toast this morning, but I went to the cupboard and the jar was empty.
It's my own fault. I knew it was empty from the last time I used it, but the motor functions kicked in, and instead of putting the jar in the bin, I put it back in the cupboard.
I was most pissed off, as you can imagine, but for some reason it just reminded me of this post.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-17 20:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-17 19:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-17 10:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This has gone on long enough Monster.
Just as Berty has been warned - so too you shall be.
If you fuck up "you're" and "your" one more time, I'm going to hunt you down and stick a fork in your foot. Capisce?
_________
I know the difference. Yet i shall continue not to care. Sorry Red, but your complaint isn't important enough to me. Anything you put near my feet will be incerted into your rectum at high speed and without butter. I'm no Brando and I wont cuddle you afterwards either.
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that's an... erm... intriguing offer. But I think i shall keep my rectum free from foreign objects if you don't mind. :P
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-17 19:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is just a mistake. I'm afraid my written English is of poor quality. I'm Sorry Red, I write here merely with the hope of improving.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-17 19:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-17 10:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This has gone on long enough Monster.
Just as Berty has been warned - so too you shall be.
If you fuck up "you're" and "your" one more time, I'm going to hunt you down and stick a fork in your foot. Capisce?
_________
I know the difference. Yet i shall continue not to care. Sorry Red, but your complaint isn't important enough to me. Anything you put near my feet will be incerted into your rectum at high speed and without butter. I'm no Brando and I wont cuddle you afterwards either.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-17 11:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-03-17 11:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Redskies, your going to have to explain the proper ways to use your and you're to our dear friend monster. Clearly it's one of you're pet peeves and I doubt she'd want to upset you with such simple things.
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*adds Julie to the list*
*gets the fork*
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-03-17 11:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Redskies, your going to have to explain the proper ways to use your and you're to our dear friend monster. Clearly it's one of you're pet peeves and I doubt she'd want to upset you with such simple things.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-17 10:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TTOM - I'm sure your right. They would only be pissed because the one I lost is part of a set. Plus because I keep loosing/braking thier stuff.
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I'm spluttering with outrage at this one. A veritible Bertistic set of sentences.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-17 10:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This has gone on long enough Monster.
Just as Berty has been warned - so too you shall be.
If you fuck up "you're" and "your" one more time, I'm going to hunt you down and stick a fork in your foot. Capisce?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-17 09:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-16 23:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart LittleMonster :)
_________
Love ya too girly
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-16 23:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart LittleMonster :)
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-16 07:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmmm take a risk and run with crunchy forever.
*sigh*
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-15 23:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ooh.....I could do either, really. Crunchy OR smooth....
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-15 04:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mail me at work Miss Ho bag.
You aint no ho!
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-14 08:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crunchy Peanut Butter by the way by MILES
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-14 08:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im guessing as i winked its a wink........just winking at you!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-14 07:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
TTOM - I'm sure your right. They would only be pissed because the one I lost is part of a set. Plus because I keep loosing/braking thier stuff.
Coley - The all important question though...........smooth or cruchy peanut butter.
It could be a deal braker. So think carefully because I want you above all others as a co-wife.
Timmmaaaahhh Is that a wink and a nod or what?
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-14 07:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*wink*
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-13 21:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you like peanut butter sandwiches (I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch) and a raging carpet burn won't put you in a bad mood?
Ohhhh you'll make a good co-wife, for sure.....
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-03-13 21:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alum Key?
Allen Key surely.
Im sure the builders couldnt give a rats ass if you lost one since every time you buy a piece of furniture these days you get about three hundred of the damn things.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-13 20:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to pee on my side lawn every night. Now I just pee in the back yard on weekends. I'm growing up.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-03-13 17:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty much auto +2 for despair.inc
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-13 16:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-03-13 13:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Munster Goes Constructing.
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Nice.
I'm happy that I'm a guy and all that stuff comes naturally to me.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 13:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-03-13 13:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Munster Goes Constructing.
________
I hate that you made that name public. Bastard :)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-13 13:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have we seen your tits yet? Just checking...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-13 13:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-13 13:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-03-13 13:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Munster Goes Constructing.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 16:41:14 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Right, it's deffinately time for you to camwhore. Your a very funny guy, so if women are crying aorund you, then there is something very very wrong. Come on, let little monster see
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I'm just waiting for someone to organise the next uber directory.
I'm hoping my hideous features wont stand out as much when surrounded by other photos.
I'm sort of a cross between Roland Rat and Ha Ha Rabbit.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I pee on my front lawn every night.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 16:34:13 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Joey, you just made me cry with laughter.
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Hmmm, that's strange. With most women around me, it's usually just the crying part......
_______
Right, it's deffinately time for you to camwhore. Your a very funny guy, so if women are crying aorund you, then there is something very very wrong. Come on, let little monster see.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 16:34:13 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Joey, you just made me cry with laughter.
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Hmmm, that's strange. With most women around me, it's usually just the crying part......
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Happy Birthday Coyote!
Joey, you just made me cry with laughter.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for my birthday
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because at least you tried to do it. And you learned a valuable lesson - NEVER ATTEMPT ANYTHING WHILE HIGH ON TEH PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I can rewire a plug and bleed my radiators. That's about as far as it goes. I can change the oil in a car and top up the windscreen washer water, but I should not ever be allowed near a power tool."
You're further along than me. I can put oil in, if I remember...that's about it.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-13 12:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate moving things; that's why I keep the slaves in the basement.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 11:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-13 11:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I continually shit in my neighbor's pool for over a year. How do you think they felt after I moved?
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Nothing short of delerious (sp?)
I hope you really did that though.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-13 11:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I continually shit in my neighbor's pool for over a year. How do you think they felt after I moved?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 11:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your right, I gorgot to explain that if I can't do this I have my little brother on stand by to come over and do it for me. He now takes care of all the things I can't do.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2007-03-13 11:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The first paragraph of this story doesnt belong.
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-13 11:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha , cool beans madam x
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-13 11:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90298
Crap, sorry, heres think link that helps explain the trouble i had in Spain.