Dirty (1232 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2007-03-18 00:05:18 EDT
"What are you doing?" she asks.
I stand close to the building and stare at the white cobblestone. My pants are slouched below my waist and my shoes are covered in tangled pine straw.
"Someone will see," she says.
I finish pissing and zip up.
"You ought to wash your hands."
I can see the tops of her panty hose and those thick stalks she calls legs with spider veins creeping along the fatty cellulite.
"It wasn't dirty," I say.
We go inside. The church is half full.
The Jimson's are on the fifth row. We have dinner with them at least once a month. I'm not allowed to say anything about the way their kids run all over our yard, leave their bikes in our driveway or break the low limbs out of my dogwood trees.
The Mckenzies's are sitting on the front row where they sit every week.
The Murphy's are all the way in the back. Their oldest daughter smacks her chewing gum and twists it around her finger in long sticky strands.
There's a new couple sitting on the third row, our row. They fidget and stare at the floor. I can't blame them. If you look up too much, those damned deacons will try to shake your hand and ask you to come to the alter for prayer.
We sit in the pew behind them.
My wife nods at the preacher's wife and smoothes the pleats of her skirt. She crosses her ankles and flips through the bright yellow church bulletin.
After a few minutes the choir begins to sing and we stand.
I close my eyes and lift my hands over my head. I sing real loud, louder than anybody sitting around us. In between songs I glance over at my wife.
She's shaking her head at me. When the next song starts I watch her out of the corner of my eye. She's not singing, only mouthing the words. It's a new song, one I've never heard before. It talks about getting into the groove with Jesus.
We sit through the service and I watch my wife while she draws on the bulletin. She darkens in the O's and P's and B's and Q's and all those other circle letters.
When the preacher finishes talking at us, we both stand while he closes in prayer. We say Amen and gather our things to leave. If you leave too fast it looks like you don't want to be there and if you mingle too long you get stuck having lunch at somebody's house.
We make our way down the aisle and let a few kids run in front of us.
I shake the preacher's hand.
"Good to see you brother," he says.
He's got a craggy sort of face that stretches out when he talks, but not enough to get rid of all his wrinkles.
"Wonderful service," I say.
Outside I fumble for the right key and then I unlock my wife's door.
"You really should have washed your hands," she says. "Before you touched his hand anyway."
"It wasn't dirty," I tell her.
---
Any suggestions or advice anyone has on this will be greatly appreciated.
User Reviews
Submitted by carbon (user info) at 2007-07-27 22:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ikari_shinji (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2DIE FUCKING BITCH
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-03-20 00:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
christina aguilera is da bomb
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-20 00:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Too bad he didn't have to go poo poo.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-19 23:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
he just had to piss and didn't really give a damn where he went who saw or what the deal was. some ppl just GO.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-19 23:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahahahaha
I only saw one.
For the record I like the story opening with the pissing on the church.
I was just hoping he was the kind of guy that had to be dragged to church and was doing it to irritate his wife, and she was the long suffering type who puts up with it.
That's probably a longer story, though.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-19 23:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you very much for clarifying sir.
wish i hadn't had to post a link in 6 other posts in hopes of finding you.
i think you should have one post, so that it would be easier to get a hold of you.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-19 22:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-19 22:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ZEBRA
If I was to guess, I would say you just liked the idea of a guy whipping out his dick and pissing outside church.
----
Actually, this really happened. I'm not sure why he did it either.
On another note it would be vastly helpful to me if you told me where I came across as younger than the narrator so I might edit those parts.
----
*You as the author can make up a reason for why the guy just whipped it out if you don't know why, whether it's a specific reason or if it's just an outgrowth of his character. I mean, you ARE writing in first person. His reason IS your reason.
Even if you decide the guy does it for no reason, that is still more interesting dramatically if you find a way to convey that, which is different than simply leaving it unaddressed. You don't have to overdo it or anything, and if you don't it's no tragedy. I just think it could enhance the story if you added something else for the reader there. For example, if the guy stopped the car and jumped out and hurried over to the wall, it would convey a lot and be in character with an older guy with a bad prostate. But it's just that since the guy is nice enough to go to church and sing and talk to the preacher and open his wife's car door he struck me as the type that wouldn't just piss on a church for no reason. But it's definitely interesting to piss on a church, so maybe that's enough. I'm just always looking for ways to improve things.*
Their oldest daughter smacks her chewing gum and twists it around her finger in long sticky strands.
*The way you described it is good, because it makes the girl sound young. But would an older man describe it in those words? It's like you captured that action well in your own voice as opposed to that of the protagonist.*
It talks about getting into the groove with Jesus. (a hymn)
*I know a lot of the new age hymns are weird, but I guess the actual words would need to be "in the groove with Jesus" before I would buy an older man describing the song as such, especially since the story had the feel of a small town church where everyone knows each other, which means they are more likely to sing the standard hymns. You could probably find a funnier phrase out of the old hymns with all that blood stuff, anyway.*
She darkens in the O's and P's and B's and Q's and all those other circle letters.
*Again, this just seems like a younger, more feminine way to describe the action. Would a middle aged man in a small town (see above) say 'circle letters?' I just thought it was slightly out of the character voice.*
He's got a craggy sort of face that stretches out when he talks, but not enough to get rid of all his wrinkles.
*This is the way a person WITHOUT wrinkles (younger) describes an older person WITH them.*
This is all subtle stuff, of course, and it's all subjective. But since you asked for suggestions I thought I would offer them.
Drama is life with all the dull bits taken out. - Alfred Hitchcock
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-19 22:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK I've returned now that I'm sober.
Proofread. Apostrophes in "Jimsons" and "Murphys" and "McKenzies" don't need to be there. Also- (fitting on uber) you used "alter" instead of "altar."
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-03-19 22:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-19 18:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i cant imagine ghola and organized religion mixing, for some reason
***********************
Ghola is the antichrist!
btw I liked this
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-19 22:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ZEBRA
If I was to guess, I would say you just liked the idea of a guy whipping out his dick and pissing outside church.
----
Actually, this really happened. I'm not sure why he did it either.
On another note it would be vastly helpful to me if you told me where I came across as younger than the narrator so I might edit those parts.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-03-19 19:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i enjoyed it, but its pacing and ending made it seem like a bad joke. honestly, i can't think of a way to improve, but ican see room for it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-19 18:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i cant imagine ghola and organized religion mixing, for some reason
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2007-03-19 16:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was incredibly well written. Good work.
"People don't go to church to feel spiritual anymore; they go to church and feel bored. But they keep going every week just out of habit."
-Dogma
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2007-03-19 15:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved how brutally truthful this was.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-19 15:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-19 15:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-18 22:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahahaha Lungfish
I was just using you to call Bubba a blubbering vagina without him understanding.
At least your babbling is entertaining, if a bit heavy on the alcohol.
Give my best to little Rosalind.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 20:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I babble. I don't blubber.
But a vagina...sure.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-03-18 19:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-18 18:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree with Bubba about the tense.
+
I'm glad you started out with that. It saved me the trouble of reading the rest of the trite you henpecked out.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-18 18:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree with Bubba about the tense.
Usually the only reason to write in first person present tense is if the material requires the reader inside the story. (the reader as protagonist)
The author gives up omniscience, which denies the reader information to enrich the story. When the reader has no more information than the character; i.e., the discovery for each is simultaneous, it also denies you as the author tools to make the story more interesting. What makes slice of life stories of interest is what reflects back and what lies beneath the surface, and I see no reason in this case to deny yourself as author and myself as reader the depth of character and circumstance possible by withholding information outside the perceptions of the protagonist.
The technique utilized here is normally employed to build tension, such as when time is a factor in the story.
But with your subject matter it is a poor choice, as it adds nothing to the narrative and even offers the possibility of disturbing the reader's willing suspension of disbelief due to the style itself.
I, as the reader, did not need to be in the shoes of your protagonist. This story, such as it is, would be much improved in past tense with an omniscient point of view.
Plus I didn't completely buy the first person, anyway, as later parts of this seemed to be written by a person younger than your protagonist, who seems from the opening scene to be a heavy, older male. Age, weight, dress, and other factors determine the way a man pisses, of course, so the actual pissing description was well done if my assumption is correct.
Speaking of which:
The pissing was gratuitous. Churches have bathrooms, so why is he pissing outside? I suppose your aim (pun intended) may have been to show the character of the man, but there are more logical ways to do that. If desecration was the intent of the character himself and not just the author, it would have been more effective if reinforced.
However, it seems you were just making him a boor, and yet he's polite to the preacher after the service and subsequently opens the car door for his wife. So maybe he's just a stubborn coot who does what he wants and you are showing the dichotomy of character which exists in everyone.
This, of course, is the more boring choice, and it shows in the fact I had no empathy for the man or his wife or the preacher or anyone else.
Even in the mundane, it is possible to provoke an emotional response.
I would argue it is essential for the story to be in any way memorable.
That is what 'slice of life' practitioners often lack, in my opinion. The reader still needs an emotional investment, and it is your job to elicit that.
I liked some of the details you added, but I question why they were added. Some of the descriptions seemed included for the sake of inclusion as opposed to being well thought out.
For example, how on earth does he see the top of his wife's panty hose? That's some short skirt for a thick legged middle aged woman with varicose veins on her way to church.
Your writing is sometimes interesting, but often appears poorly thought out, as if you believe any random thought or amusing line which pops into your head is worthy of expansion.
If I was to guess, I would say you just liked the idea of a guy whipping out his dick and pissing outside church.
That's all.
Note to Bubba: I don't write short fiction and haven't for quite some time because there's no market for it. If I wanted to post here, I would need to write something specifically for ubersite, which I'm disinclined to do for various reasons.
If ghola or anyone else wishes to discount my opinion for that or any other reason they are, of course, free to do so. I'm trying to be constructive whenever possible.
Note to Lungfish: STFU you ancient blubbering vagina.
Oh, wait. Reverse those. Lungfish isn't ancient.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-03-18 17:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
understood
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-18 17:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i have no control over the cat.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-03-18 17:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps, i like you better than everyone else here. (at least for this week. i'm fickle and may feel nothing but contempt for you six days from now.)
congratulations on that.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-18 17:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-03-18 17:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fine then.
i like it better the other way.
tell your cat to stop sending me emails.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-18 17:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually yeah its a rewrite of "unheard" which was a few posts back. changed the perspective, omitted a character and added a lot. if you glance at the other you'll see what i mean.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-03-18 17:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this seems like a rehash of something you already posted.
maybe that was at the other place.
i have no constructive criticism except that you should make skipping out on shlongy a habit. he needs to make friends his own age and there are plenty of them at the Hilton Head senior citizens center to choose from.
Submitted by ThatsGodToYouBitches (user info) at 2007-03-18 14:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your wife was right, you should've washed your hands. Other than that, I have no advice for you.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-18 11:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i just emailed ya shlong.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-18 09:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You stiffed me to write THIS???
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-18 09:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-18 01:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Writing in present tense is difficult at best. Most writing is done in past tense, which is easier to write and easier to read. You write in present tense better than most can do. Other than that, I have no advice for you....
-----
Not that I'm going to argue about it, but I think present tense is easier to read. It's sharper.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-03-18 07:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/99816
Hard evidence that you were in Brisbane last month.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-18 07:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this story. I really liked the vivid description of the womans legs.
The other day I shook my bosses hand shortly after I rubbed one out in the port a' john, hehehe
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
me too.
Good night, Bubba.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lunger, you is cool people. I am going to bed now,ya birdbrain.
G'nite....
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn;t read this i'm drunk and boy crazy right now ok happy st paddys day
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba,
Admit it. You love the Zebra. Come on now. (Except when he's being an asshole, which I love, but maybe you don't.)
Anyway. I love beer. The Zebra might benefit you. I like the Bubba. I only fight when necessary. I've yet to lose a fight. I'm going to marry FG, if my wife lets me, and if my daughter likes her. I like tomato sandwiches too. Not really. Never had one; don't think I'll try one. Sounds gross.
Ghola is very cute, but way too young for me...and I'm married and shit. I love my wife. I love my dogs. I love...no...I tolerate my cats. I love beer. And jerky. And noodles. And popcorn. And Hitchcock. And Sunday mornings. And Salisbury steak. And potatoes. And grapefruit. And, indeed, grapes. And Laffy Taffy. And vinyl. And cameras. And cacti...no...I hate cacti...not as much as catclaw...catclaw sucks. And beer. And tape. And ... I could go on forever. So many things to love.
That's why life is fun.
Mainly it's the beer, though.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus christ ghola.. i sjust got home.
I've been drinking since 9pm and i wish you were drunk too.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola, pardon us for arguing on your post. We love you.
Lunger, kiss my butt. :)
No one here can argue with you because you are too nice a guy.
BUTTHEAD.... :)
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*here
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 03:01:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, no, Bubba. I never came hear with the intention of writing whatsoever. I came upon this site by accident, was amused, and said, "What the fuck?" I don't try to write anything of "value." I hope to make people smile. If I make somebody smile, my day is complete. A very simple philosophy.
And I hope to marry FG.
You, on the other hand, have tried your hand at writing "serious" literature. I'm all for that. I wish I could do the same. Your stories are good. Better than I could do.
I guess what I'm saying is: Accept all the criticisms, consider them, and reform your stories with those criticisms in mind. I'm drunk.
Zebra, honestly, seems to be a very thoughtful critic. (And yes, he's very knowledgeable...as am I). Why not use his comments to your advantage?
Anyway, I'm drunk. Just some thoughts.
Love you Bubba.
I hope this made you smile.
Be afraid of nothing. We all die.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-18 02:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungy, you're a hard motherfucker to argue with. You tell others how great they are while you put yourself down. Stop doing that, ya fucking dork...
:)
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 02:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, Bubba, but you also write stories. And some good ones. I don't see Zebra trashing your stories. He offers constructive criticism. Of course he trashes your shit-posts. And your reviews, which can be lame. I don't.
There's the difference. He seems to review quite objectively (except, of course, when it comes to me; he likes me, but that's just I'm the nicest guy in the world, and I post knowing that I don't have anything to offer except maybe making the reader smile ever so slightly; smiles are important; if I make somebody smile, by work is done; whatever, I'm drunk.). My advice: take the reviews into consideration...whether from Zebra or some other anonymous fellow. Use the reviews, however harsh, to improve your works.
I wish I had "works."
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-18 02:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I love beer, it makes me a jolly good fellow,
I love beer...."
Fuck Dr. Phil and Oprah. Fuck Zebra.
I write technical shit, as well. I have been an Engineer for many years.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 01:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah...if my sister had shown it to my brother firstly, he would have been cruel, as usual, but he it would have been constructive. That is, the book would have been better. And if she had made the changes to his liking, there wouldn't be this whatever between them.
My sister was supposed to go on Oprah. Oprah fucked her. Fuck Oprah.
I'm drunk.
I'm happy.
Fuck Dr. Phil, too. I hate that guy.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 01:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-18 01:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 00:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola --
I think you're just as cute as can be, but I'm afraid that I just can't rate this objectively right now, on account of all the Guinness and Jager. I hope you will understand. Please accept this +2 in place. Zebra is the guy who rates honestly, anyway. He's a smart guy who knows writing.
*********
Lungy, I agree halfway. Zebra may be half-assed bright, but he tends to be a pretentious prick.
Anyone who "knows writing" would post something now and then. Zebra won't, and he uses the excuse that "I can't post here because I may need to submit it elsewhere later." BULLSHIT!! He is a wannabe who has no balls. A nutless novice, as it were....
--------
I don't know. I'm not a creative writer. I write...all the fucking time...I mean all the fucking time...but I'm a technical writer. Not interesting. He seems to know writing.
My sister has published a book. When my brother took a look at it, he trashed it. He's a perfectionist. Now, my sister's a good writer, but my brother can be cruel. Honestly, I don't know where I was going with this. I love beer.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-18 01:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 00:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola --
I think you're just as cute as can be, but I'm afraid that I just can't rate this objectively right now, on account of all the Guinness and Jager. I hope you will understand. Please accept this +2 in place. Zebra is the guy who rates honestly, anyway. He's a smart guy who knows writing.
*********
Lungy, I agree halfway. Zebra may be half-assed bright, but he tends to be a pretentious prick.
Anyone who "knows writing" would post something now and then. Zebra won't, and he uses the excuse that "I can't post here because I may need to submit it elsewhere later." BULLSHIT!! He is a wannabe who has no balls. A nutless novice, as it were....
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-18 01:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Navy guy takes a leak and starts to walk out of the bathroom door. The Marine says,
"Son, didn't your mama teach you to wash your hands after you piss?"
The Navy guy says,"No, Sir, she taught me not to piss on them."
Wash your hands? Why, was your dick dirty?
Writing in present tense is difficult at best. Most writing is done in past tense, which is easier to write and easier to read. You write in present tense better than most can do. Other than that, I have no advice for you....
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 01:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd be honored.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-03-18 00:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that's cool, i'd still have you any day as my wing-man
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 00:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-03-18 00:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
it sounds like someone's wife just walked into the bar
----------
I don't really miss bars. I save a lot of money.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-03-18 00:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
it sounds like someone's wife just walked into the bar
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-18 00:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola --
I think you're just as cute as can be, but I'm afraid that I just can't rate this objectively right now, on account of all the Guinness and Jager. I hope you will understand. Please accept this +2 in place. Zebra is the guy who rates honestly, anyway. He's a smart guy who knows writing.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-03-18 00:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i always try to piss in the holy water for good luck