Hello Mrs Jones. I Hear You Have Cancer. Would You Care To Elaborate On That? (1695 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.98 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-03-19 07:38:06 EDT
If you own your own home, chances are that you have some form of life insurance in place.
It makes sense. If you die before paying your mortgage, then your debt doesn't end up getting handed over to your nearest and dearest.
So you take out your policy, and relax, knowing that you're in the safe hands of professional people.
Wrong.
The people that handle your life cover are a bunch of lazy, moronic, half-assed imbeciles, who really have no concern for your welfare. At least, they are if you take out insurance with us.
The following is a 100% genuine summary of what I've been up to at work. Don't worry. I'm sure that your insurance people aren't this bad.
I started out in our call centre. The work was shit. The pay was shit. It was pretty shit all round in fact. I kept my head down and worked my ass off, and a few promotions later, I found myself in a non-customer facing environment.
It was heaven. But heaven comes at a price. The hidden scene of life insurance is a pretty fucking morbid place to be. For example:
We've recently decided to try and change our pricing strategy. Basically, we're too fucking expensive, and our brain dead customers have finally realised this. Our typical customer is about 40-50 years old, and the only reason they come to us, is because no other company in their right mind will insure them.
Unless you're already dead, you've got a fairly good chance of getting cover with us. But we charge about 3 times more than any other company.
So, we've decided to scrap a few benefits, and drop the price. This is where I come in.
"Joey, our re-assurers want some figures in relation to our re-pricing scheme. First, they want to know how many claims we're likely to get before the end of this financial year, and they want a sample of customers who fit the criteria."
'Claims' is just a nice word for 'dead people.' What he wants to know is how many people are going to die. And he wants the details of some of these people.
We have approximately 175,000 people on our client database, which makes us pretty small in comparison to some of the major companies. But as I said, most of our customers are pretty old, and have already been refused by other companies for health reasons.
I got a load of statistics from our underwriters, and by cross referencing them with the medical info held on our customers, I eventually come up with a figure.
1,172.
Within just half an hour of buggering about with a computer, I've just predicted the death of over a thousand people.
I start to pull up the details.
Mr Jones. Aged 53. 2 previous heart attacks.
Mrs Belmont. Aged 67. 60 a day smoker. Diagnosed with cancer.
Mr Lewthwaite - Aged 56. Kidney and liver problems from heavy drinking.
As I started populating a spreadsheet with their details, I felt like the fucking Grim Reaper. I've just sentenced poor old Mrs Bradley to less then 4 weeks left to live, purely on the basis of an aged medical software program.
If I'm ever looking at your details, then it's really not looking good for you. In my eyes, you're already dead.
I just needed to give you a feel for what I do. I'm digressing from my point.
Incompetence.
The one thing we have in abundance. If you could see the way your personal details and private medical information get treated, you'd freak. Big time. This place is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
As I sit here typing this post, I've just had a paper aeroplane land on my desk. I unfolded it, and it happened to be the HIV test result for a gay man who applied to us, and disclosed a history of unprotected buttsecks. It was negative.
The guys who pay our wages are tight fisted, money grabbing scrooges. They will do anything to save money. This means we end up hiring temps to do our scanning.
All the medical reports that come in go to the underwriters for them to rubber stamp and decide how much we're going to charge the poor fucker who happens to have a slightly raised blood pressure.
After the underwriters are done, the reports get sent down to our scanning department in the basement.
The place is a disaster. Because they are all temps, and therefore don't strictly have managers to report to, it's chaos.
I went down there last week, and they had screwed a load of reports up and covered them in sellotape to use as a football. The stack of reports waiting to be scanned was split in two piles for goal posts.
Bearing this in my mind, I therefore knew I was going to be fucked over good and proper on my latest assignment. My senior manager called myself and 2 others into his office for a briefing.
"Joey, thanks for that claims forecast. We're gonna need some more info though..."
Yeah, Joey. Thanks for killing all these people, it was a great help. However, we haven't finished using you as an executioner just yet.
"What else do you need?"
"We need some more specific details on these customers."
The info provided on the database is only a brief summary. For instance, it might just say 'cancer' - it wouldn't say what type, or tell you anything that might actually be of use.
"Um, that might be a bit of a problem......."
"What's the matter? Just pull out their initial medical reports. They're all on the system, we have to keep electronic records by law."
I glance over at Rob and Stewart, who are well aware of the state of our records. They avoid my glance and stare at the floor. Bastards.
"Well........it's just...... our records aren't exactly, um, up to date."
"What do you mean, 'not up to date'?"
"Um, to be more accurate, 'not there at all' would be a better way of putting it."
"Not there? What the hell are you talking about? We pay people to scan those reports onto the system."
"They're supposed to, yes."
"So what's the problem?"
"They don't."
"WHAT? Who's responsible for hiring these fucking assholes?"
Once again, I try and catch the eyes of Rob and Stewart, who once again, just stare at the floor.
"I'm serious. Who the fuck put these guys down there? Someone is gonna take responsibility for these jackasses. WHO THE FUCK HIRED THEM?"
"Um, well...... that would be you."
"Me? I don't remember authorising any temp workers."
"Uh, yeah, I spoke to your secretary about that. According to her, your exact words were 'what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-bothering-me-with-this-shit-just-fucking-put-my-fucking-stamp-on-it-and-get-me-some-fucking-coffee'."
My senior manager slumped in his chair before replying.
"How bad is it? What would happen if we had an audit?"
"Well..... worst case scenario would be that the FSA found out. They'd probably uncover evidence of gross negligence, severe breaches of the Data Protection Act, and they would get a ruling citing the immediate cessation of all our products."
"Which means what, exactly?"
"It means we'd be fucked."
The senior manager gave a big sigh, and slumped down even further on his chair.
"So, you're telling me, that we have insured thousands of people, and we don't have any evidence of what's actually wrong with them."
"That's one way of putting it."
"What's the other?"
"The other would be that it's probably more like tens of thousands."
"Jesus Christ..... well, first of all, we need to find the details of the people on your claims forecast. These are for the re-assurers, and if they realise what's going on, they'll pull the plug. And then we really would be fucked."
"How am I supposed to do that?"
"I don't know. I pay you to come up with how to do this kind of shit. Try calling them."
"Call them? And say what?"
"You know, like a courtesy call or something. Just drop it in to the conversation."
"Drop it in the conversation? As in 'hello Mrs Smith, nice weather isn't it? Oh and by the way, I hear you have cancer. How's that working out'?"
"Something like that, yes."
"You can't be serious."
"Oh I'm serious alright. I want the three of you to get this done, and get it done now."
Finally, Rob and Stewart lift their heads.
Thought you were gonna get away with it, didn't you, you fuckers.
That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I'm supposed to be contacting the very people I've sentenced to death on my 'claims forecast' (aka Joey's big list of impending doom), and asking them how they feel.
So, if you get any calls in the next few days asking for 'just a few details we may have missed on your application' then it's probably me calling you.
And you might just want to start making arrangements.
The assholes I work with are chanting 'dead man talking' whenever I pick up the phone.
One woman has already told me that she hasn't been feeling like her 'normal self' recently, and the next guy on my list has Alzheimer's.
But for all its faults, I do love my job. It makes you realise just how much certain people value life.
More people need to take that attitude, and enjoy life while they can.
Oh, and if your phone goes - Don't answer it.
You might live longer that way.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-14 14:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MikeyB (user info) at 2007-10-17 17:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Life insurance sucks
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2007-03-26 10:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wonderful
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2007-03-26 10:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are one of my favorite authors. Your stories always kick ass.
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-20 18:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-20 09:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-20 08:36:33 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked in medical insurance after I left the police (so yes I have always been a bastard)it sucked big time.
This was great as per usual Joey. What happened to the dogs taking over series?????
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I feel sorry for anyone who has had to work with life insurance. You have my deepest sympathies.
I havn't forgotten dogs of war, it's just taking a bit of a hiatus in terms of storylines (read: I'm running out of ideas, and can't think of a good way to take it). But I do intend to finish it one way or another!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-20 08:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No time to read. It must be good.
Bastard.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-20 04:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked in medical insurance after I left the police (so yes I have always been a bastard)it sucked big time.
This was great as per usual Joey. What happened to the dogs taking over series?????
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-03-20 00:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have a NH life, accident and health insurance license
i feel your pain
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-19 18:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could possibly use an opening that ties to the ending, but I liked the more languid, unforced humor as a change of pace.
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2007-03-19 18:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-03-19 17:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We should just streamline the process here at Uber and send Joey posts straight to B@W
---------
Sounds like a plan.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-19 17:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-03-19 17:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We should just streamline the process here at Uber and send Joey posts straight to B@W
indeed
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-03-19 17:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We should just streamline the process here at Uber and send Joey posts straight to B@W
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-19 16:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-19 15:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
________
You know what you did here today. You will pay dearly in you karma for it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-19 15:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-19 15:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-19 14:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2007-03-19 17:45:37 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't smoke, but I do dip. Can I be classified as a non-smoker or is it any tobacco product in general.
This was very nice by the way
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It depends on company policy. With us, a smoker is defined as anyone who has smoked cigarettes in the last 12 month.
So you can smoke a pipe, or cigars, or anything that isn't cigarettes, and you're classed as a non-smoker.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-19 14:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My cat is walking around inside my ceiling. If she falls I may be killed during the impact. How much is life insurance?
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2007-03-19 13:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
question marks anybody?????????
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2007-03-19 13:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't smoke, but I do dip. Can I be classified as a non-smoker or is it any tobacco product in general.
This was very nice by the way.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-03-19 13:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, I've been waiting to see what you'd post after that last one.
This was well worth the wait.
Well done.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-19 13:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jesus that's disturbing.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-03-19 13:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-19 13:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-03-19 12:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahaha..
NICE!
(Story was good too)
But it wasn't nice of you to call me like that...
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-19 11:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-03-19 15:51:13 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't they have mortality charts for just this type of thing? I am pretty sure I've seen something like that in the crap the actuaries used to send me when I worked in benefits
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Mortality charts are good, but they generally use historical data rather than live data. Usually they show the trends and changes over much longer periods.
Heaven forbid that the company should actually upgrade our software and get us a decent medical forecaster.
Tight fisted bastards.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-03-19 11:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't they have mortality charts for just this type of thing? I am pretty sure I've seen something like that in the crap the actuaries used to send me when I worked in benefits.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-19 11:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-19 15:37:26 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sooooooooooo...how's that cyst on your balls working out for you, Mr. Lovesmen?"
----------------------------
That's not a cyst. It's a leech. Something that can suck that well should be able to give some damn good head.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-19 11:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sooooooooooo...how's that cyst on your balls working out for you, Mr. Lovesmen?"
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-19 11:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"How's that cancer working out for ya?"
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2007-03-19 11:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-19 11:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm waiting to see Mike Rowe do a special on your workplace.
In a way though, you're right. That DOES have to give you a respect for the days you are given. You'd have to be a real asshole to go home at the end of a day there and say you've had a shitty day. :)
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-19 10:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-19 14:44:02 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome as usual. Great use of italics.
You're a very cold man by the way. Very cold indeed.
---------------------
In this game, you have to be. I actually worked in the claims department for a little while. Those guys really are cold. It's surreal when someone phones you and says they've been told they only have months to live.
It takes a while, but you get used to it.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-19 10:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-19 10:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome as usual. Great use of italics.
You're a very cold man by the way. Very cold indeed.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-03-19 10:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... great.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-03-19 10:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-03-19 10:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-03-15 21:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sigh, another list I didn't make it onto...
________________________________
filename.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-19 09:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woot death!
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2007-03-19 09:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK. Thanks for the heads-up. It's best to try reaching me during dinner hours, when I'm relaxing with my family.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-19 09:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-19 12:17:12 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Life insurance, schmife insurance. I have two rules in life: Don't wear a bag and don't pull out. Roll the dice every time because there's always a coat hanger
----------------
Hmmm. Good advice.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand...don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly...don't fear the reaper
Baby I'm your man...
--------------
Needs more cowbell.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know you were joking, but it just caught me off-guard and caused me to shake my head. Good times.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Angel, dear....I was joking.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you call me, you bastard, I can guarantee your life will end sooner than mine. :)
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand...don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly...don't fear the reaper
Baby I'm your man...
Valentine is done
Here but now they're gone
Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity...Romeo and Juliet
40,000 men and women everyday...Like Romeo and Juliet
40,000 men and women everyday...Redefine happiness
Another 40,000 coming everyday...We can be like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the reaper
Baby take my hand...don't fear the reaper
We'll be able to fly...don't fear the reaper
Baby I'm your man...
Love of two is one
Here but now they're gone
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear she couldn't go on
Then the door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew then disappeared
The curtains flew then he appeared...saying don't be afraid
Come on baby...and she had no fear
And she ran to him...then they started to fly
They looked backward and said goodbye...she had become like they are
She had taken his hand...she had become like they are
Come on baby...don't fear the reaper
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Simon... wow. You should get that monogrammed on a pillow.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Life insurance, schmife insurance. I have two rules in life: Don't wear a bag and don't pull out. Roll the dice every time because there's always a coat hanger.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-03-19 21:54:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am tired of irrational, misinformed, drive-by -2s.
So I will start a new trend of irrational, drive-by, misinformed +2s.
-------------------------------------------------
That was already a trend long before you got here.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-03-19 08:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, this was really good.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-03-19 07:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am tired of irrational, misinformed, drive-by -2s.
So I will start a new trend of irrational, drive-by, misinformed +2s.