The Ford Exploder (826 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.02 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2007-03-19 20:27:40 EDT
When I decided it was time to get rid of my '94 Exlorer, I knew I wasn't going to get much money for it. In fact, I would pay more money than I was going to get for it, just to see a a car of its similar make and model roll into a chasm.
I carefully considered this for a week. Could I really get away with this? Could I do it without hurting myself, yet at the same time hurting someone that I like watching get hurt? Where the fuck am I going to find a chasm?
Before I knew it I was on the edge of a 200 foot dropoff. It was actually waterfall, but the rivers were running so dry that I could easily drive my exploder to the waterfalls edge. The water drizzled off the edge of the waterfall like the hill had an enlarged prostate. The water at the bottom was about 2 feet deep. So, it wasn't going to do much to slow a Ford Explorer in freefall either.
I scratched the VIN number off the dash and removed the license plate. Luckily I didn't have a police record, or else I would have cared about my 4000 fingerprints completely covering the car in a brown film. I just knew my strike one with the law was going to be an automatic strike two.
We had it all worked out. We had cut a 2x4 precisely to fit snug against the driver's seat and the gas pedal. However, this was a stick shift, which was going to make dropping the clutch kind of tricky.
For this, I employed my own real-life version of Butters from South Park. His name was Bobby. Not only was he the epitomy of a chode, but he had a speech impediment... priceless. Bobby needed to belong, so we allowed him that.
When we were all ready to go, me and a few other people stood at the water's edge. We were able to see both the top of the waterfall and the point of intended impact. Some genious put a twig where this point of intended impact was so that we "could hear it hit".
"What the fuck Bobby, do it already!" I screamed like a madman. I'd been waiting for this for too long.
I heard the car start up and watched as Bobby fumble with the the 2x4. Suddenly, the loud roar of a piece of shit engine exploded through the forest. That was going to draw some attention...
Bobby started screaming something, but we couldn't hear him... and he didn't talk right anyway.
"Do it pussy!" someone screamed from behind me. Nothing had happened yet, but we were already laughing hyterically.
Out of nowhere, it sounded like a bomb went off. The engine cut and smoke billowed out from under the hood. My ears would NOT stop ringing. The most high pitched squeel I'd ever heard reverburated through my head like a fire alarm. But, it wasn't hearing damage, it was Bobby.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
To this day I don't know how he did it. It was like he was a machine, playing a perfect note. He was like a human dog whistle, on the upper echelon of the frequency at which humans can actually hear sound. He finally ran out of breath and I looked at my friends, who were staring at Bobby in disbelief.
The smoking truck sat in the water and it was so quiet we could hear the water running past the tires from 50 yards away.
I took it upon myself to take the lead, and turned to run. Someone grabbed me, "Wait... look!"
Bobby was actually slowly pushing the car to the edge of the dropoff. "Yeah Bobby!" someone yelled.
Then we all joined in, cheering him on. I could see even from the distance, a huge cheesy smile on his face as he pushed the smoking car to the edge. This was going to show us to pick on him. He was going to finally get our respect.
The front tires reached the edge and I looked up to see a black cloud of smoke rising above the tree tops. Bobby then made a low-pitched, muffled noise I would never forget, "NYEUMPH!!"
He slipped on a rock and tumbled into the water. The car stopped and Bobby slid under the door and over the side of the waterfall.
He sailed through the air like a stiff board, letting gavity take its course. He didn't make a peep. What a character.
THWAP! Bobby landed right on that twig, breaking his right leg and arm.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
We all stared on in horror as Bobby rolled around screaming that crazy noise. Like before, it eventually stopped when he ran out of breath. It was then replaced by a quiet sobbing.
"MAN!" I heard from behind me, "That twig was in the PERFECT spot!"
Bobby's right arm had to be amputated because we made him sit there and wait while we rolled the car off the edge... to be honest, it was nothing compared to watching Bobby fall.
Bobby, however, was never the same.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-22 14:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, most vehicles have 3 or 4 VINs on them....the one on the dash, on on the engine block, one under the hood, and one on the inside of the drivers door, near the name plate that talks about tire pressure and maximum capacity.
Hopefully they won't figure out it's yours....but what is the worst that can happen?
+1 for exploding an exploder
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-21 04:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This one could go either way.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-20 21:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Subpar, for you.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-20 16:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-03-20 15:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is hard to read.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2007-03-20 15:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is hard to read.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-03-20 15:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-20 14:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-20 14:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-03-20 13:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Written with competence, this would have been excellent.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-20 12:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awful
Submitted by zimm0r (user info) at 2007-03-20 09:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-20 07:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, it wasn't terrible...have a +1 and let's make lemon zest together.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-20 06:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about wrinklebeast
User id: 30393
Registered on or around: 2007-03-07 20:48:31 EST
# Messages posted: 4
# Reviews written: 40
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 137
# Hits: 2258
Average rating of all messages: -0.79
_______________
And you really have a grasp on what's good and what's not, huh?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-03-20 06:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
vins not just on the dash
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-03-20 06:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a girlfriend a long time ago with a for exploerer she calledthe exploder.
I miss her so fucking much.
Im also very,well,almost very drunk right now.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-03-20 01:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i had an "exploder" once
bet it was as satisfying to see what was left of yours too
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2007-03-20 00:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just dont know what to say.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-03-19 22:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Definitely had mixed feelings on this one.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-03-19 22:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Zebra, I have a question here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/99813#2351976
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-03-19 22:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-19 21:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was funny as hell but what do I know? I'm drunk.
---
You don't know shit apparently.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-19 21:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was funny as hell but what do I know? I'm drunk.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-03-19 20:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oddly enough....and this is really strange but...I saw this picture today when I was searching for deformed in google....wild man.
Oh and I didn't read this post.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-19 20:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The VIN is not just on the dashboard, you know.
I found this story unpleasant.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-03-19 20:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay I suppose - it would have been better if it was just a gif of a cool ad for the Explorer or something, so people thought it was a typo, but then it blew up.