Pick My New Facial Hair! (1192 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 0.68 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2007-03-21 00:52:11 EDT
Since I'm 75% Italian and a male human, I find myself having to shave my face at least once a day. Since many of you are pre-pubescent boys or women, you may not be aware of what this is like. It blows. I know, I know, women have to shave their legs, arm pits, and occasionally a moustache. But if you slip and cut your leg, sure, it hurts, but it's not your face. People don't stare at you and wonder if you were attacked by a bear or if you were clawed by an unfeeling girlfriend with 2-inch long witch nails. You just pull your tight, leather, hopefully crotch-less pants up and go on with your day.
Not so for men. The hairy echelons of male faces must stumble on, running our chiseled jaw and cleft chins ragged with rusty blades and acidic shaving cream. Not to mention the complaints we get about our stubble even AFTER shaving. It's simply a battle that cannot be won.
The only time my face has a chance to rest is when I don't shave for a few days, until the horrendous amount of growth begins to scare children and draw waves of camaraderie from the homeless people scattered about town.
So instead of shaving every day or letting my facial hair grow untamed, I've decided to grow a beard. What kind of beard has yet to be determined. This detail I will leave up to you. Actually no, scratch that. If I let you all make life choices for me, I would have been dead years ago. Instead, I'll just take your opinions.
Do I go for mutton chops? I feel like I would need a powdered wig and a few slaves to really pull off the full potential of that look.
A full-on Grizzly Adams beard? I don't know how those work exactly. Do they start to smell after a while? That much hair so close to my mouth can't be a good thing.
A Hitler 'stache? That would be super sweet, but not worth the daily beatings.
The most facial hair I've had on my face for an extended period of time is my little chin goatee. But this has become sad and pathetic, and I've gotten to the point where I can grow a facial behemoth that has the potential to make me look scary/ugly/manly/like a serial killer/homeless.
Any suggestions, photoshops, or personal experiences would be nice. I need to be absolutely sure of what I'm doing before I embark on this quest. It's not like I can just start over whenever I want and get the same results in a matter of days. This shit is serious.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-22 11:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ummm....good luck with that mythbusters look.....
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-22 09:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Do a shortly trimmed beard and 'stache, like me: http://www.ubersite.com/m/98335
No food crumb trappings, no odor, and the chicks dig it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-21 16:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:57:30 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a simple decision: Flying T + Mutton Chops = AWESOME!
Anything else = GAY!
----
agreed
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-03-21 14:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a simple decision: Flying T + Mutton Chops = AWESOME!
Anything else = GAY!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-21 14:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2007-03-21 13:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, someone mentioned the moustache that Jamie has on Mythbusters. Thats what i'm gonna grow, hands down. I friggin love that show.
----------------------
Sweet. Camwhore it when it's grown in.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-03-21 14:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's time we take back the Hitler mustache.
I think you should lead the charge.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-21 14:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2007-03-21 13:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
By the way Zod, that picture makes you look like a Croatian masseuse working on a cruise ship.
---------------------------
Haha, it's funny because i've been on a few cruises and I know exactly what you're talking about.
Also, someone mentioned the moustache that Jamie has on Mythbusters. Thats what i'm gonna grow, hands down. I friggin love that show.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-03-21 13:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You've got a pretty face.. I'd go with a goatee with the bottom shaped as is, plus a little soul patch/G.N. just under the bottom lip.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 12:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hee-YA
Submitted by mitchmarron (user info) at 2007-03-21 12:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That picture makes you look like 'Alice' in a really really weird Brady Bunch opening sequence.
I should stop smoking.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I never look like I've got a perfectly close shave. Even my facial hair has facial hair.
------------------------------
Can I see YOUR kung fu grip, then?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
By the way Zod, that picture makes you look like a Croatian masseuse working on a cruise ship.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I never look like I've got a perfectly close shave. Even my facial hair has facial hair.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm thinking maybe a Mutton Chops with a bit of flying T would go down a treat. Actually I'm going to rub baby bio on my face and try to grow it myself.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Makes sense, O. I have a buddy of mine who is Sicilian. The poor bastard has to shave first with an electric razor and then go over it with a blade. His five o'clock shadow appears at 9AM. The funny thing is that the edges of his shadow are so precise that it looks painted on. I always ask to see his kung fu grip.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 10:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Everyone should rock the "Friendly Chops."
-------------------
You're just saying that cos Lemmy has them.
---
Triple H too.
But really it's more to do with practicality. You can sport a full beard for a while, and then when you get tired of it and want to change it up you simply take a blade to your chin and work yourself up some "friendly chops."
You save yourself razor blades and extend the life of your beard.
It's what I'll be doing later this week, in fact.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-21 11:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 10:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Everyone should rock the "Friendly Chops."
-------------------
You're just saying that cos Lemmy has them. My vote goes with the Fu Man Chu. Or a 'stache like Jamie Hyneman on Mythbusters. You can leave it long and walrusy like he does or curl it up like Dennis Gage on My Classic Car.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-21 10:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Everyone should rock the "Friendly Chops."
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-21 10:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'd go with the "distract from my sloping forehead and dragging knuckles, caveman" look.
grow a wizards beard. and wear a pointy hat.
Submitted by Kurfsec (user info) at 2007-03-21 10:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How about...nothing.
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-03-21 09:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-03-21 08:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, classic..
What do unfriendly chops look like?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-21 07:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Go with the "Wolfman" look, inspired by Michael J. Fox back in the 80's.
Then, put a grocery bag over your head to spare the rest of us.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-21 07:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even though I give you a 10 out of 4 (i.e. 10/4 because I suspect you of being a retard, too) for being a faggot, I think this is a great post.
I've gone with the grizz adams with some trimming and it doesn't work as witnessed at the bottom of this post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/95148 I'd like to forget that.
I've grown out a pretty bad ass handlebar mustache however I don't have great photographic proof of it and it was the conversation starter to start all conversations, and got me laid once or twice consequently. This is the best pic I could find of it: http://www.ubersite.com/m/88060 Seriously, stick to the top portion of that post or you'll see my shriveled cock.
Other than that I've gone with just about every other considerable facial concoction as witness here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/99263 and http://www.ubersite.com/m/93819
I've done the hitler stache in real life and surprisingly it doesn't get you beat up. If you could pull it off, though I would suggest the Flying T. There is just something about it that really sends jolts of elation down my coin purse.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-03-21 07:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Flying T... hands down
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-21 06:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DO NOT GO FOR THE MUTTON CHOPS !
Women mistake them for just some more handles to their toy...
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-03-21 06:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
recommend the biker look.
big ass chicks like it and it makes you look dangerous.
ride to live, live to.........
whatever
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-03-21 06:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go for the Monty Panesar: http://shinymedia.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/monty_panesar.jpg
That shit is majestic.
I'm similarly afflicted. It fucking sucks.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-03-21 04:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is the facial hair for you.
This is the facial hair for everyone.
http://www.thetick.ws/car27.html
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2007-03-21 04:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
definately flying t or handlebar and chin tuff
that way you can be a 19th century villain
Submitted by Realpolitik (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Go for the Mario 'stache
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
could be like a "wooly willy" paint contest....
you could do like i do and jsut use the "trimmer" attachment to an electric to give yourself a perma 5:00 shadow, that way you have no cuts, of course your facial hair isnt strawberry blonde like mine so people would notice you'd have a "bruce willis from die hard" thing going on for ya
but bruce willis is kick ass
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
did you know "zod" is the Russian word for "dildo?"
seriously, look it up
-------------------------------
I honestly hope you're right. I don't even care, as long as its not another Superman reference. I've never even seen that movie. Probably should have researched my name first...
In fact, I like the dildo one better. Show me some proof.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doesn't Saxon have "friendly mutton chops"
Friendly mutton chops for the win!
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should go for the handlebar and chin puff. It's the only one where people would say, "that guy is crazy."
With the other ones, they'd just be like, "that guy is an idiot."
Anyway, no one without white/grey hair should have mutton chops.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
STUPID AMERICANS TRYING TO SEX UP THEIR IDENTITIES
I SPEET ON YOU
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
did you know "zod" is the Russian word for "dildo?"
seriously, look it up
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You just totally blew my mind....
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Since I'm 75% Italian and a male human...
Are you sure you're not 75% male and a human Italian?
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm personally torn between friendly mutton chops, hulihee, or handle bars and chin puff. Oh, and sidewinder. Just so I can tell people that i'm growing a Sidewinder on my face. It sounds badass.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2007-03-21 01:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
go for the ugly, you can't lose
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-03-21 00:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing tell the kiddies that you're friendly than having "friendly mutton chops"
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-03-21 00:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sidewinder without the stash-burn connection
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-03-21 00:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FRENCH FORK!