Come party with Chode and Friends (390 hits)
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Submitted by realpolitik (View user info) at 2007-03-22 00:51:13 EDT
I Remember the Days at the Old School Yard - http://www.ubersite.com/m/99828
Mike and the Craig's List Adventure - http://www.ubersite.com/m/99891
This is the story of the time in my life where I felt exactly like that Justin Long douche in the even douchier movie Accepted. Don't know who Justin Long is? He is that asshole who does the fucking Mac ads. Long's douchiness (and terrible acting career) aside, everyone on the lawn felt like we were stuck in a crappy teen flick where all the characters are under pressure to go to a good school, be accepted, and finish up the year. But this story is not about me and our group's Dead Poet's Society - esque antics. No, this story is about Chode.
We had called him "Chode" since sophomore year when some person had looked at him and realized that he is exactly the type of person that would have a chode.
"So why do we call him Chode?" I asked tentatively, afraid that my ignorance of some hidden joke would be the source of future ridicule.
"Its simple," Farto replied, "just look at him. He looks like someone who would have a Chode."
I looked at the newly named "Chode" from across the room. I had always liked this kid, intelligent, nice - definitely one of the better members of our group. He would have had fairly decent good looks had it not been for a birth defect which manifested itself in a patch of moles that grew in a triangle around his left eyes. Similarly, his left ear had an enlarged canal. I do not know if it any of these abnormalities were responsible for making his eyes seem like they were bulging from his sockets, giving him either a look of profound consternation, indignation, or awe. All of his taken in conjunction with his lopsided smile and the fact that his perfectly aligned rows teeth were never parallel to his lips made him look like a pernicious and sinister assistant to a mad scientist from a poorly written gothic novel. The more I looked at him the more he seemed like a person who would have a chode.
So, "Chode" it was.
Chode had the misfortune of wanting the wrong girl. Do not get the wrong impression, this girl was not "above him" on the social pecking order; but rather was simply someone not worth wanting. I shall call her "smileygrl" - we never had a nickname for her (although she did have a brother that went to our school whom we called "rapebait" as he was a pedophile's dream come true) but since this was the first part of her fucking stupid instant message account, I shall use it in this story. Though I supposed the designation of "smileygrl" did fit, for her smile was too big and she looked constantly looked like a three year old when told by a parent to "smile for a picture." Fucking stupid indeed.
I supposed that Chode had one too many wiskey shots one night and decided that smileygrl was the one for him. There was just one problem. She was dating Mafatso. We called him this because well, he was fat. Real fat. In Mike's words he was as fat as, "those goddamn fire-water-drinking, fry-bread-eating, reservation-living, diabetic 'injuns.'" We were privileged to hear a story about just how fat Mafatso was from smileygrl, herself (She told debate asshole #1's girlfriend, the girlfriend told debate asshole #1, and the asshole told us).
"So, uh, you ready to do this?" Mafatso said with an air of self confidence even though he was trembling with fear and trepidation on the inside.
"I don't know . . ." uttered smileygrl, not just playing coy, but genuinely nervous about her (and her boyfriend's) first time.
"Come one, it will be romantic, it will be our special moment," pleaded Mafatso while he secretly though, "yea, and that 'special moment' will include all the guys who I tell about how I rocked your world tonight."
"Ok . . ." finally she relented after seconds, nay, minutes, of pleading.
Slowly, nervously, they undid their clothes thinking ahead to what would be the greatest seconds of their young teenage lives. Finally, they were ready.
Mafatso began to talk dirty, just like he had no doubt scene in what was the surely copious amount of porn that he watched, "yea, yea, yea baby, just like that"
She could feel his immense wait crushing her, and then, and then . . . nothing. Both were thinking the same thing, but she was only brave enough to say it,
"Is it in yet?" she said.
This story made Chode think that he had a chance, though why he would still want one is beyond me. Hey, maybe he thought that she wouldn't mind him only being able to "fill her up" width wise after Mafatso had utterly failed to even make her notice that something was inside her at all. Not for me to decide, not my business. But what was my business was saying "is it in yet?" every time I walked by Mafatso and seeing what social situation would produce the greatest amount of redness in his face. Yes, that was my business. After all, he was an asshole. But I digress, back to Chode.
He was finally able to line up a date with that skank, smileygrl. Endless teasing ensued.
"Hey guys! Remember how in grade school at recess you used to tie a trash bag around a hula-hoop and catch balls in it?" said Mike
"yea, what about it?"
"That is what Chode is going to have to use as a condom!"
"Yea, Chode, she won't be able to walk straight for weeks! I'll bet you end up tearing something!" Thehammer chimed in right after Mike.
"Well it will be a welcomed surprise after Mafatso," dirtyitalian continued, "I have a great idea, in the middle of sex, why don't you say, 'is it in yet?'"
I was sorry for Chode, he was a nice guy, I am sure he treated her right. But hey, we were in high school; what the fuck did we know about dating, or love, or respect, or anything? She went back to Mafatso, a fact that Chode would only lament when he was hammered. Once, he tried to fight Mafatso, over this skank, but alas Chode and John the Savage were no match for Mafatso's incredibly angry and unreasonably violent friends. Chode deserved better, but often the best lessons are the hardest.
We all tried to offer him at least some degree of encouragement. We were assholes, but we weren't without hearts. So, we consoled him in the only way we knew how.
"Don't worry," I said, "there is always chodeharmony.com"
"It is all good," Mike confidently said, "at least you pink-socked her after you were done. You did pink-sock her right?"
But I digress, enough of my Breakfast Club life lessons. My point is that we were a pretty tight knit group. So, it wasn't that big of a surprise when one day the topic shifted to the inevitable question.
"Do you really have a Chode?" debate asshole #1 asked in his typical, overly blunt manner. After all, Chode had been playing along with our jests for quite some time now and, we speculated that there was a kernel of truth in our nickname.
"I mean, can we see it, just to be sure?" continued debate asshole #1. I retrospect I realize exactly how gay this request was - after all, we went to an all boys school and we were asking to say a fellow classmate's penis for shits and giggles. Right, that was a totally heterosexual thing to do. But we have done stranger.
Chode's answer genuinely surprised us, "sure, I'll show it to you on the last day of school, you can find out for yourselves."
Like all seniors in the country we were all sweating college acceptance by the spring. Chode was no different.
"So, what schools have you gotten into," Colon asked casually.
"Well, I got into Santa Clara, and University of San Diego, but I really want to go to Washington University in St. Louis." Chode responded.
"Oh, don't go to USD," dirtyitalian interjected.
"Why not?"
"It's poopy," dirtyitalian explained.
"huh?"
"yea, its just poopy . . ." dirtyitalian was about to continue when Mike, sensing that a conversation had landed on the subject of poop, interjected, "yea, fucking poopy. You need special fucking boots to walk around so you don't get poopy all over yourself."
"Yep, I'll break out the poop boots," Chode amicably agreed.
"Those won't fucking help you, nope, they have people sitting the trees just waiting for you to walk under you so they unload a brown one all over your face. They'll be like, 'welcome to USD' and a bunch of black men will pop out of the bushes and just start shittin' all over your face."
"Yea," Theviper agreed, "black dudes in big fake Mario mustaches!"
"Why black dudes?" I asked pensively.
"Well that's a fucking stupid question!" Mike exclaimed, "haven't you ever watched any porn before? It is always the black dudes who do the gangbangs!"
"Sorry," I replied, "you know I don't watch porn. Never have, never will, so I will just have to take your word for it."
"Yea, and we will film the whole thing and post it on scatkake.tk, it always has to be some fucked up domain name and shit," said thehammer, picking up the conversation flawlessly after my awkward explanation that they had heard many times before. And thus idea for buscatte or scatkake was born. But I have covered that already. This is about Chode.
The last day of school came and went, and as true to bargain, Chode showed us his chode. All that speculation, all that joking over the years had finally come to fruition. And as Chode dropped his pants to reveal the long kept secret, I turned away. Not because I believed it was wrong, or because I wasn't curious, or even because I wanted to protest the peer pressure that forced this nice kid into showing his peers his shlong. No, I turned away because I wanted to keep some semblance of the good times, the mystery, the humor, the community that was to be had while on the lawn. I didn't want it to end. And that was perhaps the saddest thing of all
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dont fuck with the Toreros
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-22 12:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-22 09:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Chode = perineum: pl. per·i·ne·a (-n)
1. The portion of the body in the pelvis occupied by urogenital passages and the rectum, bounded in front by the pubic arch, in the back by the coccyx, and laterally by part of the hipbone. 2. The region between the scrotum and the anus in males, and between the posterior vulva junction and the anus in females.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-03-22 04:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
his left eyes - plural.
and all ya come up with is chode?
the several eyes led to no nickname?
interesting...
ok so im nit picking, but the mental image was staggering. hell with the moles but look at that extra eye above his ear!
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2007-03-22 04:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
do you go to bellarmine college preparatory?