I nearly got shot dead by a woman with one (1) tit (763 hits)
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Rating: 0.5 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Daniel Jaines (View user info) at 2007-03-22 17:03:53 EDT
I was at the supper market on the weekend getting some marshmallows and retired beans for Jaylena's carvings (she is pregnant and eats the widest foods you can imagine) when there was an increment of incredible proponents.
I walked to my truck and threw open the passing her side door and put in the bag of grotesqueries when this woman in the car next to me started shorting out her window.
"Hey bastard, watch the pant job!" she said, screaming at me.
She had a haircut that told me right away she was a dike. You know, a levy, only not the cute kind that you see on Cinemax playing with each others ripples. Her hair was a flat top like Lee Army has the guy who shouts a lot on the Hostile Channel.
My truck door didn't even come near her new Locust, so I said Lady relax.
She started bouncing in her seat like she was sitting on a diesel-powered dildo like one I saw once in this weird movie from Sweeten and then she hollered
"FUCK YOU YOU MAN."
I could have started getting into it with the crazy rag muncher but I was going to be a failure and had to start acting reprehensibly for the sake of my baby.
I walked away.
The woman must have been a complete synthetic because she jumped out of her car and ran after me and and said Draw down, boy!!!
I looked and saw that she was wearing a gumboot around her waist and she had a reveler in a halter. She put her fingers on her piss hole and said, "Want some, tough man?"
She was wearing blue jeans and a white t shirt and I could see she had only one tit. "You are full of cup, I said, opening my truck door. "Beat it before I cut off your other best."
Then she started tearing off her shirt with one hand and shouting that she was an Amazon. Her leftover tit was bubbling and it was too bad she had only one because it was nice enough to take my mind off of the road kill that was her face. I watched her tiff wiggle and nearly peaked when her shirt was off and I saw her scares.
"I did that with a knife," she said. "AMAZON!"
"What does reading books have to do with cutting off your hooter you crazy cant!! I shouted back at her.
She aimed the revealer at me and I hit the ground and roiled just as she pulled the tugger. Her ballot hit a brand new Porch and some guy with a sweater tied around his neck like a 80s yappy creamed like a woman.
I rolled again and heard a bucket hit the pavement right were I was.
A secretary guard came out of the mall doors and shouted at one tit to stop but he was a fat darkie who looked like the jovial Al Joker from TV.
"Eat lean nigger!" the dyke shouted and I thought too bad I was getting married and she was an ugly one tipped dyke because she was my kind of woman. She shot at the security gourd and he turned an ran and there was a loud ripping sound like the guard either split his parts or shit himself. A little kid laughed and so did I.
Then a police car came raging into the poking lot and the two cops jumped out and told the woman to put her gum on the ground and step away from it.
It sounded like she yelled "Eat it pigs" and she shot at them and then the cocks opened up on her which is something no one wants, Lisbon or not.
Anyhow it was a mess and when I got home Jaylena thought I snuck off for a beer until I told her to turn on the tv and check out the nudes.
When Jaylena saw live pullets flying over my head she thought I was a hero and when I finished putting the glossaries away she gave me a hand job and I blew my lode right in the kitchen sink.
All in all a great day.
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The death dialing dike looked like this man Lee Army.
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-06-12 15:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-03-24 00:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-03-24 00:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i tried reading it but couldnt decypher half the text
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2007-03-23 18:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"She had a haircut that told me right away she was a dike. You know, a levy..."
Anyone who doesn't plus 2 this doesn't reciprocate good comedy.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-03-23 14:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Do you know why this was your best post so far?
Because it was the shortest.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-03-23 13:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my favorite part of Platoon
when he got blown away.
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2007-03-23 09:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-23 09:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So...just for clarification purposes, you can't spell common words like: super, cravings, wildest, paint and dyke, but you can form parts of sentences that read "when there was an increment of incredible proponents"?
Have a minus two (-2).
He's using that new spellchecker that his nephew set him up with. It's not daniel jaines fault that it mangles his real life experiences into hilariously unreadable comedic exploits.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-23 09:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So...just for clarification purposes, you can't spell common words like: super, cravings, wildest, paint and dyke, but you can form parts of sentences that read "when there was an increment of incredible proponents"?
Have a minus two (-2).
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-23 07:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Flabbergasted in the midnight football dilemna.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-03-23 05:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's hard to know what to say when one reads a post like this.
Is it a piss-take?
Is it a cut and paste email joke?
Is he just a man with learning difficulties; struggling to be a part of modern times?
Finally, that niggling thought at the back of your head: "What if this actually happened?".
It's almost impossible to say. All the answers just result in more questions and the profoundity of it all is quite moving. It's a horrible post though; please try to avoid story-telling in the future and focus on providing us succinct windows into your bizarre mind.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-03-22 20:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I did that with a knife," she said. "AMAZON!"
rofl
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-03-22 20:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oblivious irony below
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-22 19:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
overdone
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-22 18:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was half-funny for the wrong reasons
=======
I hate to do it But I agree.
Fag above
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-03-22 18:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice, but the spelling pissed me off
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-03-22 18:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-22 18:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the blatant spelling errors threw me off.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-03-22 18:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im baked
and the numerous misspellings... intentional, or no?
anyway
theyfucking boggled my mind
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-03-22 18:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't ply any ascension to the hatters, Dan.
They done get it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-22 18:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"Eat lean nigger!"
----
yea, cos we have too many fat ones already
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-22 18:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never mind the haters, don't stop.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This character is getting old. and I don't mean the FMJ dude.
Submitted by PioneerBill (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great word play
Submitted by DanJaines (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well Im going to put on my corn melting drops and put my feat up. Goodbye for today Ubre.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No away, rally?
Submitted by DanJaines (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Look strawberryfansite I have told many times that I have an automatic spell check that my son gave me that inserts the riight word when I make a tipo. Sometimes it is not the right word. Thanks you for enjoying the story now you can go back to rewriting wikipedia articels and posting them on Undersite so your little frinds can puls two you.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God as always, DJ.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So...just for clarification purposes, you can't spell common words like: super, cravings, wildest, paint and dyke, but you can form parts of sentences that read "when there was an increment of incredible proponents"?
Have a minus two (-2).
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOO!
Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was half-funny for the wrong reasons
Submitted by DanJaines (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
go play your homo games in some one elses ballpark nity.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2007-03-22 17:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I got as far as 'supper market'
-1 for (1)
-1 for not being able to spell 'Super' you fairy.