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I'm not a nymphomaniac, I'm just an idiot

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-03-28 07:02:07 EDT
Rating: 1.94 on 49 ratings (49 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Just recently I finally managed to make a move I've been trying for a while now, and got a new job and place to live in London.

The work's good, my housemates are all cool and things are going swimmingly, but no one other than me really gives a crap about that. My new job is working for an architect and design company in the centre, just working on various web and database projects. And it's been one hell of a culture shock. Gone are the days of sitting around, eating up tax payer money whilst making up shitty stories for posting on a website. Nope. Not no more Billy. Instead I have to actually earn my money and I don't even get any benefits until I've been here for a month. But as soon as that kicks in I'm going to leech off this place until the day I die. Which will probably be in two or three years the rate I'm going.

And the security of this place actually puts the military base where I use to work to shame. Where I use to work was a large base with many buildings, all with their own keypad lock doors. The only problem was, because of all the problems people had remembering codes, they were all the same. So basically a lowly civil servant (such as me) who should only have access to a few admin offices, would actually be able to go anywhere, from Court Marshall services to the Army Legal Services. It was the only real highlight of working there.

This place has cards that need to be swiped to get pretty much anywhere in the building. And as I'm up and down a lot, mine has complete access to anywhere. And because I'm moving around a lot, I keep my card conveniently placed on my belt, and thanks to an elastic wire, I can just pull it up, swipe and let go, and as if by magic the card returns itself to it's trusty place at my hip. All the women are jealous of it, wanting to be that card for just one day. And up until a week ago I would never have given them the chance.

But then the card betrayed me.

Having free coffee in the workplace is a dangerous thing for someone like me, who'll drink and eat anything free, which meant last Thursday I had drunk roughly thirteen cups of coffee by four o'clock. Which meant I was getting up twice as much as normal. Sometimes for coffee, sometimes to let out the converted coffee in the urinal, which was my intention at one point. However, when I reached the toilet, both urinals were being used by two elderly men who appeared to use the urinal as a formal meeting place. They were having a discussion about some building in an Arabian country, and one was struggling to maintain aim whilst showing a document he had unexplainably brought into the pisser with him.

With what felt like three gallons of yellow gold trying to force it's way out of me, I opted to not wait and simply entered one of the two cubicles. I find it quite off putting when guys I don't know talk to me when I'm trying to go at the best of times (there's something wrong about holding your dick while listening to a male voice), but when two complete strangers are having a business meeting a few feet away, I find it nearly impossible, so I waited, hovering over the toilet, waiting for my normally arrogant bladder to lose it's shyness. In a mild attempt to distract myself I begin pulling my swipe card out and letting it zip back in.

Pretty much forgetting about the need to go, I really got into my game, and pulled the card out as far as I could and just let it go. The wire is ridiculously long, to the point where my arms could only just make it reach it's peak. And it zoomed back in the world went into slow motion, as I knew what was going to happen the second I did it. The slight swooshing noise ending for less than a second as the card caught too much momentum and swung around the front of my trousers.

It was the loudest twang I had ever heard in my life, but that was just in my head, as the tip of the card flicked itself off my own tip. Never really being one for the whole bondage, domination and pain thing, this was a completely new experience for me. Sure I'd been punched in the crotch before, but never a direct flick onto the end. The pain was unspeakable, but I did my best to main my dignity.

The last thing I wanted was for a pair of my new co-workers to think I had painful constipation, and so I muffled my howl of pain.

At least I thought that was the last thing I wanted. Because of the sheer agony that was still tinging on my most delicate of belongings, I couldn't completely hide the howl. What escaped my clenched mouth can only really be described as orgasmic.

"AHHHHHHAAAHAHAAOOOOO" was how I imagine a comics writer would portray it, but even that wouldn't give it justice. I sounded like I was doing a voice over for an anime porn film. The meeting had stopped outside and now there was no noise except that of my breathing, which the harder I tried to control, the heavier it got until it sounded like I was panting down the end of a phone like a stalker.

After this had happened there was no way on earth I was going to be able to go for a piss. I dreaded the thought, imagining the agony of it passing through a bruised end. So I just zipped up and walked out of the cubicle, trying to look as cool as possible. At this point I realised there hadn't been any noise to indicate any regular work time toilet activity had happened. No splashing, no paper being torn off the roll and no flush. So what to do? Do I return to the cubicle and guilty pretend I missed the toilet and start to clean up nothing, or do I just leave it?

The looks from the men gave me all the instruction I needed. Trying to maintain my cool and acting like I always walked hunched over like that, I left the toilet.

And then another thought hit me. In my rush to get away I hadn't washed my hands. So now not only did I appear to be a completely uncontrollable sex fiend who couldn't even wait to get home to finish himself off, but I also leave my mess everywhere, including on my hands. And with a reputation like that, it keeps peoples expectations low.

I've already decided I'm really going to enjoy working in this place.



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Submitted by experima at 2008-05-29 15:46:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ghola at 2007-07-27 11:34:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good times

Submitted by Berty at 2007-04-03 06:26:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You cannot see this but I am laughing very, very hard. I mean it; there are tears rolling down my face.

We simply must meet up again so you can stare at your feet in contempt and do that punky sneer that is so endearing!

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2007-04-03 06:13:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good one nath

Submitted by bart at 2007-04-03 05:42:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Better you than me

Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-03-29 11:14:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on escaping Wiltshire.

Submitted by sideshow at 2007-03-29 10:39:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

nice story

Submitted by Fey at 2007-03-29 06:33:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2007-03-29 06:05:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-28 17:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

YOUR GARDEN GNOME FARTS SILENTLY IN THE NIGHT

____________

Funniest comment I have read today

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-03-29 03:42:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2007-03-28 09:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

When you say sort out the garden, do you mean stumble out with a hangover and find the discarded beer cans from the night before? Or are you just looking for an excuse to get me hot and sweaty? because, seriously, a short flight of stairs will do that

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But...... you'll be shirtless in the garden getting hot and sweaty digging and....

um...

I'll leave it there.

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-03-29 03:41:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-28 09:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

*bats eyelashes*

can i stalk you merlina?

pleeeeeease?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh yes

Woohoo I'm getting stalked by a hot girl..

*looks out of window hopefully*


Submitted by Franger at 2007-03-29 00:14:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I too have one of those cards with the elastic, I didn't think they were anything special. I have also managed to hit myself in the nads with it, +2 cause I feel your pain.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-03-28 17:58:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YOUR GARDEN GNOME FARTS SILENTLY IN THE NIGHT

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-03-28 17:40:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've missed you.



Submitted by messmind at 2007-03-28 15:04:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by firefly at 2007-03-28 14:54:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by hairycoo at 2007-03-28 14:42:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

welcome sir, your journey towards irrational elitism begins here

Submitted by whiskey_jack at 2007-03-28 14:11:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wait...you're British?!?!?!

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2007-03-28 13:50:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

heh

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-28 13:42:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-03-28 13:33:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 1


Submitted by DirtyHarry at 2007-03-28 13:15:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-03-28 10:50:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

MAUDE
Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

DUDE
Excuse me?

MAUDE
Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?

DUDE
I was talking about my rug.

MAUDE
You're not interested in sex?

DUDE
You mean coitus?

MAUDE
I like it too. It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. But unfortunately there are some people--it is called satyriasis in men, nymphomania in women--who engage in it compulsively and without joy.

DUDE
Oh, no.

MAUDE
Oh, yes Mr. Lebowski, these unfortunate souls cannot love in the true sense of the word. Our mutual acquaintance Bunny is one of these.


Submitted by Timmaaaaah at 2007-03-28 10:43:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oops

Submitted by Timmaaaaah at 2007-03-28 10:43:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

The last paragraph MADE that story.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2007-03-28 10:31:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great.

Submitted by Draco at 2007-03-28 10:28:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking awesome

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-28 10:08:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If these two useless mouthbreathing fucks chatting near me don't shut their blowholes right this minute I'm not only going give them a "direct flick on the end" but I'll probably also slide Exact-O Knife razors into their pee holes and give them something to contemplate while they're not doing anything better with the rest of their lives.

Submitted by GMCrayon at 2007-03-28 09:54:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesomest

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2007-03-28 09:47:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good to see you back mate.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-03-28 09:15:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

When you say sort out the garden, do you mean stumble out with a hangover and find the discarded beer cans from the night before? Or are you just looking for an excuse to get me hot and sweaty? because, seriously, a short flight of stairs will do that

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-03-28 09:13:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*bats eyelashes*

can i stalk you merlina?

pleeeeeease?

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-03-28 09:12:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2007-03-28 08:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Not yet. Got at a place near Oval until the end of July, and then we're going to find somewhere together

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Cool!! The Bloke and I bought a lovely huge new house in London recently - not to refurbish but to actually LIVE in this time - you'll have to come over for a bbq when we get settled.. you can help me sort out the garden - it's 100ft.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-03-28 09:03:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

god i missed you.

Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited at 2007-03-28 08:50:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have several. All in pretty colors.

Submitted by BranDo at 2007-03-28 08:48:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Were there injuries? What do I know, I'm not an architect!!

Great story.

Submitted by DrogoRoch at 2007-03-28 08:47:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I started this comment about 5 minutes ago then got called away to do work related stuff; damn them.

So I don't remember what I'm commenting on but I had set the rating at +2 so I'm sticking with it. Have a nice day.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2007-03-28 08:40:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hhahaha

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-03-28 08:34:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Not yet. Got at a place near Oval until the end of July, and then we're going to find somewhere together

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-03-28 08:17:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hey Nath... so are you living with your girlfriend now then?

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-03-28 08:01:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-03-28 07:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

NATH

---

VEGAS WIFE!

Submitted by phuzzygish at 2007-03-28 07:51:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

NATH

Submitted by Beano312003 at 2007-03-28 07:46:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh...Oh.... I have one of those things.

I hang mine from my troosers to make me look cool and hip, all the kids are doing it.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-03-28 07:42:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like to read all the posts first then go back to rate and review. That way only the highest quality posts get the rating they deserve. Enough said.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2007-03-28 07:23:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahaha.

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2007-03-28 07:17:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-03-28 07:11:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2007-03-28 07:09:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Welcome back mate

Submitted by orph at 2007-03-28 07:06:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2



Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in
town.

Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

There's No Disgrace Like Home