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The Failing Federal Government

Submitted by bart at 2007-07-17 01:47:33 EDT
Rating: 1.21 on 140 ratings (142 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

The US federal government has grown fat and incompetent. The president of the United States has the mental capacity of a graham cracker. The vice president believes himself to be above any level of oversight by either the US Congress or the American people. Despite her Constitutional obligation to do so, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has publicly stated that she will not lead impeachment proceedings against either the president or vice president. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are failures. War in Iran is imminent.


In the face of such dire times, what is the ordinary American to do?


Your options:


1. Leave and don't worry about the problem. Hope the US doesn't invade your new country next.

2. Stay and don't worry about the problem. Hell, there are still people alive in Darfur and Zimbabwe. How bad can it really get?

3. Help speed along the collapse of the US. Vote Giuliani into office in 2008 and encourage him to bomb Iran, Syria, and start more shit with Russia and China.

4. Retain false hope. Vote for Ron Paul or the candidate from the Libertarian or Green party. Get a bunch of Craiglist users to gather in a public square with dreadlocks, drums, and peace signs. Do lots of drugs, forget about your original cause, and find the best looking girl there who will give you the time of day and maybe sleep with you before she finds out you're still living in your parents' basement.

5. Become a Southern Baptist. Pray. How will this fix anything? Don't ask, just keep praying, God Boy.

6. Buy lots of gold and guns, move to the mountains, install solar panels on your roof. They'll never get you alive!

7. Blame it on the (check one or more options below):
a) White man
b) Blacks
c) Jews
d) Illegal immigrants
e) Terrorists who hate all that is good

8. Make constant references to court cases from the Industrial Revolution and state that everything has been going downhill since then. If that doesn't work, quote Thomas Jefferson. Or Mussolini. Or was it Gandhi? Oh, and don't get into a discussion that requires you to speak for more than 20 seconds or your argument might not hold up.

9. Make a blog. Those emails to your representative didn't work. Those phone calls didn't work. If there's one thing that will surely get the attention of Congress, it's unresearched political ramblings surrounded by pictures of your cats and advertisements for gambling websites.

10. Accumulate wealth through any means necessary. Save as much as possible and then begin investing in various businesses and property. Diversify to insure your financial success in the face of a sell off in any individual business sector. Diversify further by investing in international equity funds and maintaining your account balances in banks around the world in various forms of currency to insulate your portfolio against the rapid decline of the global value of the US dollar. Hire an accountant to make sure you are taking the most advantage possible of loopholes so that you don't have to pay income tax on the money you spent to buy that 30 foot boat or those weekend trips to the Cayman Islands. Whenever you have any concerns, call up your representative on his personal cell phone (you met at that campaign fund raiser last September) and explain what you want him to do. If he's not working out, tell your friend at the paper about that affair he's having, and then tell your corporate accountant to start making your campaign donations to somebody else who better suits your needs. Once you get that new zoning regulation pushed through the city council, you're going to make a windfall on that junk property you bought five years ago. Wait, what was the problem again? There's something wrong with the federal government? Things seem perfectly fine by me. Let's talk more when I get back from Tokyo.



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Submitted by Tormentos at 2017-02-10 07:07:33 EST (#)

Nearly 10 years on and look where we are. We Hoped, but nothing Changed except the national debt and the body count of wars we shouldn't be fighting. And now there are riots because politicians are keeping campaign promises. What can we do at this point but get our popcorn, turn on CNN, and watch the world burn?

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2013-07-16 11:17:45 EDT (#)

#4 seems like the soundest and most reasonable course of action.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2013-07-16 10:45:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Tomorrow this post will be 6 years old and it's as apropos now as it was then. Just sub "Boehner" for "Pelosi" and "Syria" for "Iran".

Submitted by johnny.b.dumb at 2009-04-20 02:47:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'll have a nr.8 please, hold the recrimination

Submitted by Nannada at 2008-11-12 02:23:38 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You know... Fuck all that, I'm going to become a politician. And a musician. Who is educated. And not Gulianinniinniey

Submitted by Yams at 2007-11-15 06:22:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

IN A POSTAPOCALYPTIC WORLD, THE BLACKS CONTROL THE WEALTH AND THE JEWS OVERSEE THE DRUG TRADE. THE EVIL CORPORATIONS OF AMERIKA SEEK TO ESTABLISH A NEW WORLD ORDER THAT PLACES PROPERTY AND MATERIALISM OVER POPPYCOCK AND BALDERDASH. BUT ONE MAN EMERGES FROM THE RUINS OF THE INTERNET TO COMBAT THIS EVIL FORCE.............

Submitted by d_prime at 2007-08-22 21:09:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There's an inaguration day in February where Bart gives him the codes to Ubersite's nuclear weapons, and directions to the layer that holds that magical gilled cheese sandwich creating machiene, as well as the url where he can download the software allowing him to give -3s.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2007-08-21 00:41:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'd give you 2 weeks before you're passed by FTW.

Do you give him the password to the server when he becomes #1 on MVA? What's the protocol for stuff like this?

Submitted by NetProphet at 2007-08-14 02:04:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That you on the uberboard, you big tall sap?

=D

Submitted by NetProphet at 2007-08-13 15:23:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I couldn't agree more, my friend.

So I made this, just for you...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110938



When you've finished reading my post, please answer me this one question: what's this whole "Pass me up and I shut this whole thing down" nonsense? Surely you have some reckoning of the number of lives to be lost in tragic suicides if that were to occur.


Are you... proposing to one of your Uberfans?

Because that would just be precious.

Submitted by SunnyG at 2007-08-01 19:11:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i agree with beeltea

Submitted by beeltea at 2007-08-01 18:21:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

yadda yadda yadda yeah politics whoopty-de doo...

now on to what I really wanted to talk about...

Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-04-27 21:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Yeah, the contents of the post were:
-----------------------------------------------------
I HATE FAGGOTS, THEY IS ALWAYS DOIN' STUFF THAT SHOULDN'T BE DONE - TWO MEN AINT 'SPOSE TO KISS, THEY 'SPOSE TO FIGHT LIKE MEN 'SPOSE TO DO. REAL MEN GET DRUNK AND FIGHT, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! FUCKIN' FAGGOTS IS RUININ' US MENS REPUTATION! MEN DONT BUY SHAMPOO AND HAVE SEX WITH OTHER MEN, MEN 'SPOSE TO GET DIRTY AND RAPE WOMEN, EVERY DAY OR ELSE THEY A FAGGOT!

ONCE I WAS A SITTIN' ON A BENCH IN THE PARK - THIS WAS AFTER GETTIN' DRUNK AN' FIGHTIN' - THESE TWO FAGGOTS DONE SIT NEXT TO ME LIKE I BE THEY FRIEND OR SOMETHIN'. BUT I AINT FRIENDS WITH NO FUCKIN' FAGGOTS, SO I TOOK A SWIG OF WHISKEY AND SAID "SHUT UP, FAGGOTS! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!". THEN I TOOK OUT MY BASEBALL BAT AN' STARTED BEATIN' 'EM 'TILL THEY WAS ALL BLOODY.

THE FAGGOTS WAS DEAD, AND I WAS MORE A MAN THAN I WAS BEFORE I BEAT THEM FAGGOTS TO DEATH.

I HATE FAGGOTS!

THE END
-----------------------------------------------------

and my overzealous iron fist of censorship decided to remove these valuable words from the public eye.

And to top it off, it was double posted as well.

----

Bart,

THIS IS THE BEST POST ON UBERSITE!

It's easily a million times better than anything I've ever posted.

I was in tears. I have not laughed that hard in a while. Thank god you rewrote it in a comment or I never would have found it.


Submitted by d_prime at 2007-07-25 23:49:37 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

GEORGE BUSH IS DUMB? You should win "most unique and rebellious political joke of 2002."

Submitted by steph at 2007-07-25 09:24:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Even Homer agrees:

I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market
guy.

-- Homer Simpson
Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerke

Submitted by Siren at 2007-07-22 12:24:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I feel slightly mocked, but I like what you're saying here.

Submitted by knucklesnelson at 2007-07-20 21:47:28 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by forthewin at 2007-07-19 11:44:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-17 07:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Knowing my luck though, my shadow will be cast on my bedroom wall before I can secure #6. Living within the instant murderdeathkill zone of a nuke hitting DC is scary, yet peaceful knowledge.

______________

I've thought the same thing. But then again, I'd be at the source of the light that was casting your shadow.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2007-07-19 10:56:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

11. you stop complaining cuz not so long ago you were all breaking the world's balls that you are the best greatest betterest country in the whole wide wooooooorld!

Submitted by Teephphah at 2007-07-19 00:36:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-07-18 09:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Option 10 is the way to go.
___________________________________________________________-

You fool. You're just playing into their hands by going with Option 10. Oh, sure, it sounds great up until you get to the part about diversifying by investing in international funds. That's exactly what they want you to do.

It's still all about M.A.D., man. Just like in the old days. Only now it's mutually assured financial destruction rather than nuclear anihilation. If you're heavily invested in China (or we allow China to become heavily invested in us), you eliminate the motivation to wipe them off the face of the earth and vice versa.

Oh, woe be unto you, yon short-sighted unbelievers, the dawn of the one-world-government is nigh.


The correct answer is Option 6, with a little bit of Option 7 thrown in to add character and to better fit the cliche'd stereotypes of the big-city folk.

Submitted by shitfuck at 2007-07-18 23:54:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


You'll end up in jail with thoughts like those.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2007-07-18 09:57:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Option 10 is the way to go.

Submitted by particle_man58 at 2007-07-18 02:09:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"6. Buy lots of gold and guns, move to the mountains, install solar panels on your roof. They'll never get you alive!"

-----------

....That's what I've been planning to do for about 3 years now, I'm gonna build a fallout shelter too.


Submitted by Bigmike at 2007-07-18 00:02:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"6. Buy lots of gold and guns, move to the mountains, install solar panels on your roof. They'll never get you alive!"



Right fucking on.


Interesting post by the way. Funny and informative. :)

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-07-17 19:21:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-07-17 19:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

"Indoninja, I wasn't taught crusades either....there is a fuck of a lot of history, especially for us Brits, you can't teach it all...."



That's awesome. There's a lot more history for the Brits than for the Americas, Middle East, Africa, and China. After all, those places didn't really exist until the white people showed up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

all countries tend to mainly concentrate on their own history when teaching history, Canada, usa Australia, have a few hundred years...I know there's more before that but that's what you concentrate on, Britain has 2-3 thousand years of British history and the empire thrown in as well.

there's a thing right where kids memorise all the presidents of the usa? you wanna try memorising all our leaders? you don't have to start until the romans show up if ya don't want....

Submitted by bart at 2007-07-17 19:05:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

"Indoninja, I wasn't taught crusades either....there is a fuck of a lot of history, especially for us Brits, you can't teach it all...."



That's awesome. There's a lot more history for the Brits than for the Americas, Middle East, Africa, and China. After all, those places didn't really exist until the white people showed up.

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-07-17 18:50:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

yeah, but there was a load of stuff you didn't learn because you learnt the crusades instead....hell I learnt most of my crusades knowledge through AOE :/


besides.....it's not an example of the world going to shit....if I read that report right, it was talking about how some teachers had avoided teaching those things in the past....and what is now happening to stop that happening.

Submitted by indoninja at 2007-07-17 18:46:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-17 18:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Indoninja, I wasn't taught crusades either....there is a fuck of a lot of history, especially for us Brits, you can't teach it all....


on the other hand I know full well that there are some shitty schools about, my point is that people should ignore over-excited newspaper articles and actually think for themselves, and that this re-write is absolutely not a part of any holocaust-deniers scheme.

------------------

I don't think it is anything that insideous, but in a climate where the holocaust can not be taught because of fear of "confrintation" it does, no matter how inadvertenly, add credit and support for the argument of holocaust deniers.

I learned about the crusades and it is even less important to US history. With the current geopolitical environment I think learning about it is even more important. It is fine if it isn't taught, but if it isn't taught for fear of offense I see that as a huge problem.

Not the end of the world, just another symptom of the world going to shit.

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-07-17 18:34:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-07-17 18:29:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Indoninja, I wasn't taught crusades either....there is a fuck of a lot of history, especially for us Brits, you can't teach it all....


on the other hand I know full well that there are some shitty schools about, my point is that people should ignore over-excited newspaper articles and actually think for themselves, and that this re-write is absolutely not a part of any holocaust-deniers scheme.

Submitted by indoninja at 2007-07-17 18:24:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-07-17 17:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Don't believe what you read in the newspapers.....just because they'ev slimmed down the guidelines so it doesn't specifically mention Churchill or Hitler....do you really think they'll teach WW2 without mentioning Hitler?


-----------------------

What about govt reports? I mean they would probably talk about HItler and Churchill, but at least one school skipped the Holocaust and another thought the Crusades weren't an important part of the middle ages.


http://www.haevents.org.uk/PastEvents/Others/Teach%20report.pdf

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-07-17 18:18:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

surely just a bit of thought would have been enough to realise that History teachers aren't suddenly going to start skipping over Hitler when they teach WW2?

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-07-17 18:15:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Well it's not like I'm actually able to call up teachers there...

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-07-17 17:54:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-07-17 17:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Sounds like the Brits are losing it too.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2007320449,00.html

"Churchill — voted the greatest ever Briton — goes off the required lessons list, along with Hitler, Gandhi, Stalin and Martin Luther King.

There will also be no need to mention the Wars of the Roses, Elizabeth I or Henry VIII."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't believe what you read in the newspapers.....just because they'ev slimmed down the guidelines so it doesn't specifically mention Churchill or Hitler....do you really think they'll teach WW2 without mentioning Hitler?

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-07-17 17:47:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Sounds like the Brits are losing it too.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2007320449,00.html

"Churchill — voted the greatest ever Briton — goes off the required lessons list, along with Hitler, Gandhi, Stalin and Martin Luther King.

There will also be no need to mention the Wars of the Roses, Elizabeth I or Henry VIII."

Submitted by JulsInsane at 2007-07-17 17:29:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-17 16:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

i like chicks that can hang with the guys as long as they don't LOOK like one of the guys. i have personal confirmation that you do indeed look like a woman. this is apparent by the two things on your chest.

but yeah, Fiona Apple resemblence... big thumbs up. when can i meet her?


ps- i'm outta here on the 10th if all goes well. expect me to be in out of control party mode when i come to NYC. i may invite some people to come down from Boston too.
----------------------------
Andy you can meet her as soon as you get over to Ireland.

You? out of control party mode? never!
I will find the Greek and make is happen when the time arises.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2007-07-17 17:05:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What can I say, 6 and 10 look most attractive.

Can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Submitted by ampersand at 2007-07-17 16:57:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Yes the US government has grown fat and incompetent but youre placing the blame on all the wrong sources. Its got very little to do with Bush. For starters, what else of such massive importance has existed for 220 years and seen so little change? The Constitution was written to govern 13 states with a total population of about 3 million people. It now governs 100 times as many people. Hell, New York City alone holds more then twice as much as the 13 original colonies did when the Constitution was written. And mind you it was not written with a system of political parties in mind either.

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-07-17 16:55:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wish I were rich and didn't care.

Submitted by BobLobla at 2007-07-17 16:35:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 being from Canada and not giving a fuck

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-07-17 16:29:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by bart at 2007-07-17 16:15:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-07-17 13:28:38 CDT (#)
Ranking: 1

I'm sad now.

Is it democracy failing? Is it any form of government failing when a population reaches a certain point?

Geez I'm sad now.

Didn't make me smile (+1)
--------------------------------


:(

I have a response to this, but it's not meant for this post.

Submitted by hidden101 at 2007-07-17 16:02:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

i like chicks that can hang with the guys as long as they don't LOOK like one of the guys. i have personal confirmation that you do indeed look like a woman. this is apparent by the two things on your chest.

but yeah, Fiona Apple resemblence... big thumbs up. when can i meet her?


ps- i'm outta here on the 10th if all goes well. expect me to be in out of control party mode when i come to NYC. i may invite some people to come down from Boston too.

Submitted by JulsInsane at 2007-07-17 15:45:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-17 14:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Fuck you guys, if it ever gets to that I'll just head on back home. Live out my days in my little house in the middle of nowhere and get a small job to keep me in Smithwicks and Cheese and Onion Taytos.

The lack of ass would be kinda be a problem as I would be related to everyone within 20 miles of me, but hey Im sure I could con someone into joining me in my exile.

=================================================

i'd go with you, Juls. all you have to do is fuck me and let me get drunk every day.
---------------------
Not a problem, though I think the sex part would be awkward as you have said you see some definate guyness in my personality, but we could get drunk and Smithwicks and poitin everynight of the week and you could have my cousin Siobian instead, she looks like Fiona Apple.

Submitted by shadow at 2007-07-17 15:19:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I met a man from Canada over the weekend, he said he felt sorry for me.

wtf.

Submitted by hidden101 at 2007-07-17 15:19:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

man, that Borowitz guy is creepy looking.... and not funny.

Submitted by PokeyMen at 2007-07-17 14:57:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

11) Unban apollo.

:(


Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-07-17 14:50:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Do you miss Jay Greening's tongue-baths?

Submitted by Yozz at 2007-07-17 14:29:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-17 08:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Hilarity loves my weiner, pass it on.
-------------------------------------------
She cannot possibly "love" it if it is just a "weiner". She would LOVE it if it was a cock, johnson, shlong, etc (i.e., something that really gave you a Patrick Henry).


Anyway....



Hilarity loves EI's weiner, pass it on.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-07-17 14:28:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I'm sad now.

Is it democracy failing? Is it any form of government failing when a population reaches a certain point?

Geez I'm sad now.

Didn't make me smile (+1)

Submitted by hidden101 at 2007-07-17 14:26:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-07-17 11:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Fuck you guys, if it ever gets to that I'll just head on back home. Live out my days in my little house in the middle of nowhere and get a small job to keep me in Smithwicks and Cheese and Onion Taytos.

The lack of ass would be kinda be a problem as I would be related to everyone within 20 miles of me, but hey Im sure I could con someone into joining me in my exile.

=================================================

i'd go with you, Juls. all you have to do is fuck me and let me get drunk every day.

Submitted by bart at 2007-07-17 14:21:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-17 12:56:12 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2


haha:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19810016/site/newsweek/

---------------------


[Blinks. Sits silently in disbelief.]

Awesome. If war funding gets cut, the president is going to seek corporate sponsors. The old gray aircraft carriers are so outdated anyway... why not cover them with corporate logos? An added bonus, it will create confusion in the enemy as they won't know if they're being bombed by the US military or by NASCAR.

What would be entirely awesome is if the defense department put together a whole battalion of Kiefer Sutherland look alikes and held a Jack Bauer invasion of Iran with a product tie in to the FOX show "24". They can mess with legitimately trained military personnel, but there's no way those towel heads can beat an army of fictional characters!



By the way, this post originally started out as a response that would have gone here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/110199#2473870 . It got a little lengthy, so I decided to make it into its own thing.

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2007-07-17 14:20:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Things seem perfectly fine by me. I'll comment more when I get back from Montreal.

Submitted by URNVUS at 2007-07-17 14:18:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rob_berg at 2007-07-17 13:56:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by ilikesteak at 2007-07-17 13:53:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

OHH NOES THA GOVMNT IS BADZ!!111!!

DIS IS DA FIRST TIEM IVE EVA HURD OF EET!!!!one!!!!!elevendy!!!!tyrandstopme!!!111!!!11!!!!oneagain!!!1!

U IS A BAD MAN FO SAYIN BAD THINGS BOUT DA GOVMNT!@@!@!!121@!!@@!1!

IMO GO HIED IN MAH BOMB SHELTAR FROM Y9K OR WHATEVA!1!!1!!!!!1!!!1

IMO COME BACK OOT WHEN ALL IS RITE WIF DA WURLD DEN WEES ALL GONNA HAVE CAKE1!!!1!!1!1!!!!!!

Submitted by DirtyHarry at 2007-07-17 13:35:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm actively pursuing a combination of 5, 6, and 7.

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2007-07-17 13:28:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

1st, good post

2nd, Im an American, and I am being anally raped by my own govt. (with vicks vapo rub as lube, YAY MENTOLYPTUS)

3rd, I agree with forensic, most Americans are too busy trying to get by to have any real time or inclination to make change. I believe I have argued about this with ETS on many occasions. Its usually those who are indipendently wealthy who spark change, and the rest of us follow. Unfortunately the independently wealthy in this fuck all of a nation have become so complacent that they see no need for change (being that it would invariably affect their way of life). The "im going to take what I can get when I can get it" attitude that has been deemed capitalism is slowly poisoning this nation. I cant see how it can survive much longer, and it worries me to no end. When I want to have children I'm going to have to really think about what the future may hold for us as a nation, and whether or not I would be doing them justice by attempting to raise them in a world that is so ripe with apathy, complacency and greed. Happy fucking Tuesday, and Caul, let me know about that Canadian citizenship.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-07-17 13:17:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Feeling ftw's breath on the back of your neck, are you?

Submitted by cuberat at 2007-07-17 13:16:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2007-07-17 12:29:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Become less interested in yourself, and more interested in others.

Be a problem solver.

Don't hide.

Don't blame.

Just do.


Submitted by greEn_uGly at 2007-07-17 11:58:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

it doesn't always have to be all or nothing, now bush is getting a hard time because of the massive anti-war sentiments in the state, and i believe his successor would not dare to go to war for a while, for fear of ending up like bush..


Submitted by Fey at 2007-07-17 11:56:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

For the rest of the world;

10a)

Shake your head in disbelief, cry a little, and then pretend America doesn't exist.

10b)

Rant, rave and shake your fist at America. In order to feel like you're actually doing something, make life difficult and/or unpleasant for any Americans tourists/visitors you might meet.

10c)

Nuke 'em.

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2007-07-17 11:40:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, all hopes of setting things right are basically blown at this point. The Republicans are pretty much outright evil, and the Democrats are more concerned with making a political statement than actually winning an election.

Submitted by Director at 2007-07-17 11:26:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

11. Learn Mandarin & Cantonese.

Submitted by JulsInsane at 2007-07-17 11:21:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck Wyoming Im fairly sure they don't have Smithwicks nor Taytos.

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2007-07-17 11:20:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"The president of the United States has the mental capacity of a graham cracker."

Interesting, I always thought he had the IQ of a pop tart. Unfrosted, of course.

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-07-17 11:17:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Uncle Fucker Below

Submitted by JulsInsane at 2007-07-17 11:15:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck you guys, if it ever gets to that I'll just head on back home. Live out my days in my little house in the middle of nowhere and get a small job to keep me in Smithwicks and Cheese and Onion Taytos.

The lack of ass would be kinda be a problem as I would be related to everyone within 20 miles of me, but hey Im sure I could con someone into joining me in my exile.

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2007-07-17 11:12:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-17 10:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Go to Wyoming with me, Drake. Even less people and we could start our own little commune.

I'LL BE DAVID KORESH, YOU CAN BE JONES! KOOL-AID FOR EVERYONE!


----------

Q: Why did the Heavens Gate cult commit suicide?

A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses!



Or is it Jones'? Jones's?

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-07-17 11:07:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-17 10:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Go to Wyoming with me, Drake. Even less people and we could start our own little commune.

I'LL BE DAVID KORESH, YOU CAN BE JONES! KOOL-AID FOR EVERYONE!
----------
the way you worded that, it sounds like I'll be your man-servant.



















which is still okay.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2007-07-17 11:01:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

11.) BURN IT ALL

Submitted by Director at 2007-07-17 10:59:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AJ at 2007-07-17 10:56:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ooh! Ooh! #4!

Submitted by scourge at 2007-07-17 10:48:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Go to Wyoming with me, Drake. Even less people and we could start our own little commune.

I'LL BE DAVID KORESH, YOU CAN BE JONES! KOOL-AID FOR EVERYONE!

Submitted by Dolson at 2007-07-17 10:46:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

#10 for me. I can't wait for my opportunity to sell out.

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-07-17 10:38:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I'm moving to Idaho. Nothing happens there. I saw Napoleon Dynamite, and if the whole state is like that, then the war will never reach it, the terrorists will look at it and say "there's not enough people per sq. mile to kill with a suicide bomb. Move on to Missouri, there's people there."

Score 1 for the good guys.

Submitted by Yozz at 2007-07-17 10:06:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'll take a #6 and a giant steaming bowl of #7(f) (all of the above).

Submitted by Flack at 2007-07-17 10:04:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

#2 for me. I dont give a shit either way.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-07-17 09:43:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i also meant to +2 but i'm mildly retarded like most uberers.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-07-17 09:39:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

The president of the United States has the mental capacity of a graham cracker.
-----

i choked at that but i'm not sure why since my mouth was empty.

i'm choosing option one and it's not cuz i don't worry about the problem, it's because i have very few resources to do much else and i do not want to wait so long that it becomes impossible to get out if things really do go very badly. i have no wealth. i have very little if any hope for this nation right now. sure i think it'll bounce back, but not before some type of war, civil if not global. i'd rather be somewhere i think i'll survive than somewhere that's kind of smashing me into the ground a little more every day i stay here. the least the government could do is try and keep its citizens happy in their oblivion, i don't really think ours is doing even that. even more pathetic if we're supposed to be the leaders of the free world and models for democracy.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2007-07-17 09:30:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by freebie at 2007-07-17 09:07:42 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

If you cant be a part of the solution you're part of the problem

Submitted by SunnyG at 2007-07-17 08:45:30 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

American politics...eugh. You do make a good point though.

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2007-07-17 08:42:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

"The US federal government has grown fat and incompetent."


This has been the case for many years, long before the current boob moved in.

(** Warning, old joke rerun: They were going to have Dolly Parton be W's running mate in 2000, so they would have 3 big boobs in the White House)

---------

"Despite her Constitutional obligation to do so, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has publicly stated that she will not lead impeachment proceedings against either the president or vice president."

Why impeach when they can blame the administration for failing to deliver on promises they made in their campaigns? Honestly, I see the Democrats winning the White House in 08 and the longer Bush is President, the more they can point to his policies as a reason to vote democrat in 08. It may be her Constitutional responsibility to bring impeachment charges against Bush, Cheney and anyone else suspected of "High crimes and misdemeanors", but if they fail to remove them from office as a result then they would look like the Republicans did after the Clinton perjury impeachment proceedings. Politics, on both sides of the aisle, are a popularity contest with very few actually voting or proposing legislation they really believe in and will adhere to themselves.

All that being said, I still believe America is not her polticians...but regular citizens like you and me.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2007-07-17 08:41:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I certainly dont, the crack pipe gets in the way.

Hilarity loves my weiner, pass it on.

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2007-07-17 08:40:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

EI drinks at lunch. Pass it on.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2007-07-17 08:33:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

HEY HILARITY!!!!!!!

Submitted by firefly at 2007-07-17 08:16:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by raebuf at 2007-07-17 08:15:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Considering this poster's abilities this took all of 4.3 minutes to compose I'm sure.

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2007-07-17 08:04:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Har har, Woodrow - cheeky bastard. Cheeky is my new word for the week :)

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-07-17 07:59:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

"Living within the instant murderdeathkill zone of a nuke hitting DC is scary, yet peaceful
knowledge."



Hey what?!?

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2007-07-17 07:49:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'd love to say I'll have #10, but #6 is a more realistic option for me. I have no problem shanking intruders and will be more than content living out my days in the beautiful wilderness.

Knowing my luck though, my shadow will be cast on my bedroom wall before I can secure #6. Living within the instant murderdeathkill zone of a nuke hitting DC is scary, yet peaceful knowledge.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2007-07-17 07:48:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

They're not bad looking. They don't have eyelashes and they don't blink however. That seems to be the only creepy thing about them.

Nice folks though.

They've promised to take all the world leaders and march them through their respective towns naked so we villagers and pelt them with rotten vegetables.

Yay!

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2007-07-17 07:47:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-17 12:41:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

What do these aliens look like?
------------
http://www.nndb.com/people/989/000031896/gest-enl.jpg

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2007-07-17 07:41:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

What do these aliens look like?

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2007-07-17 07:41:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Or #11, wait for the aliens to come and take over the planet.

That seems like the most desirable option to me.

I've been signaling them.

They're on their way!

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2007-07-17 07:40:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

# 13) take up a healthy chewing tobbacco habit. nuclear war can't kill you if cancer gets there first!

MyNameIsTim's motto since 2003

Submitted by storm at 2007-07-17 07:40:02 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I just realized that the only reason you posted this is because you are getting ready to be overtaken on the MVA....

Submitted by hidden101 at 2007-07-17 07:35:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i'm doing #10 with the possibility of combining that with #1 in the future. although there's no place like home in the US, Canada doesn't look too bad either...

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-07-17 07:31:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'll take a #10, with a side of fries, and a #6 for the road. With a coke.

I've read enough, learned enough and seen enough to understand all too well how the world works. I swear sometimes I could feel the very spin of the earth; and there's something very wrong with it. I can't be the only one; the sole human alive who reads news from all over the globe on a daily basis and feels something radically wrong. Not just pertaining to my own little corner of existence and my own problems, but the globe as a whole. Like there is a thin veneer of approval and all the unbelievable bullshit that goes on floats just below it, hidden from view to the average Joe. Have you read the news lately? Even mainstream, CNN, MS-NBC, CBS... is anybody actually READING this and BUYING it? More often than not the very people elected or employed to keep us safe are the ones doing the most harm, and it's there in black and white in our own news, and echoed around the globe in international forum. Yet on a regular basis these transgressions go on as if the public is perfectly alright with it, and the thin veneer of acceptability holds for another day.

Perhaps I'm cynical to a fault, and I ought to don my tinfoil hat already, but perhaps, just maybe, it really is just that bad out there.

Because it sure as hell isn't getting better.

Submitted by storm at 2007-07-17 07:30:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

This is a good option of: '9. Make a blog. Those emails to your representative didn't work. Those phone calls didn't work. If there's one thing that will surely get the attention of Congress, it's unresearched political ramblings surrounded by pictures of your cats and advertisements for gambling websites.' minus the advertisements. Way to go!

Submitted by joedaddy at 2007-07-17 07:26:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

#6 has been completed (with redundancies)
#10 has been completed (with redundancies)

passport is good to go, so...

Timely, exercise option #1 or 2 (if and when needed) because of...

7c and their "friends"

Submitted by Beano312003 at 2007-07-17 07:23:40 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

fuck america

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2007-07-17 07:18:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I'm might start out with 4 to tap a few hippy college chicks, but sadly I'll probably end up doing number 2. I'm still working on 10, but for now...wait...what are we talking about? I got lost in a polynomial and left my integer in a bracketted pair.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2007-07-17 06:35:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ITS TEH JOOS!

Submitted by cat_head at 2007-07-17 06:14:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wow, good post.

Submitted by Progr3ss at 2007-07-17 06:05:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Look if you guys are going to start shit with Iran, can you wait until the end of the Asian Cup? It's just that we got through last night to the quarter-finals (4-0, suck it Thailand) and Iran isn't knocked out yet, so there's a chance they'll be advancing too.

Cheers.

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-07-17 05:57:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

you guys realise the similarities between the problems with your federal govt. and the reasons you rebelled against Great Britain right?



I mean, isn't that one of the main reasons you have so many guns?

Submitted by ChaosJester at 2007-07-17 05:52:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Um...
Wha?

Look, I just work here, alright?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2007-07-17 05:51:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I am guessing at least a 30 line reply from ETS, AT LEAST!

Submitted by Foolproof at 2007-07-17 05:49:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Was this posted just to get heat from ETS?

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2007-07-17 05:48:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Option #6 is looking better and better every day.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2007-07-17 05:39:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I imagine most of you lot will go with #3 (or at least fix it so it looks like it).

Submitted by Berty at 2007-07-17 04:52:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Every month they deliver a copy of the corporate magazine to my desk. Every month I look through it for pictures of hot birds. Every month I am dissapointed.

Yet I do it again every month anyway. Why?

It is because the lady who delivers it to my desk is hot. I think we can all see the lesson here.

Submitted by czwij at 2007-07-17 04:34:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

good timing

the US wants to put up a radar to watch the russians in my backyard.
really.
huge debate about putting up a radar site to spy on the russians.
a referendum will not be held, because Czechs do not want the thing but the government sees that visa restrictions may be lifted so they are listening. Bring us you poor, tired, huddled masses (but only under strict restrictions and a background check where even the pope would be suspect)

Controlled democracy. Thanks, america.

Submitted by Wildcard at 2007-07-17 04:31:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We have a government?!

Submitted by CHR15 at 2007-07-17 04:25:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Damn Ruskies.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2007-07-17 04:15:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2007-07-17 04:12:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

dooby dooby do

Submitted by experima at 2007-07-17 04:11:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YES YOU WILL!



:)

Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-07-17 04:11:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-17 09:05:49 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

been neglecting me, more like.

i expect an email. AN EMAIL

---------------

God I love it when you get demanding :)

I'll drop you a line when I get home tonight

Submitted by experima at 2007-07-17 04:05:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

been neglecting me, more like.

i expect an email. AN EMAIL

Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-07-17 03:21:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-17 08:12:39 BST (#)
Ranking: 2

joey below!!!!!!!!!!!


missed ya, kid!

----------

I know. I've been neglecting the ol' place for a while, but I'll be back to normal soon..

Submitted by Man O' War at 2007-07-17 03:14:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by experima at 2007-07-17 03:12:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

joey below!!!!!!!!!!!


missed ya, kid!

Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-07-17 03:05:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

#10 sounds good, but it does seem like a lot of hard work.......

I'll just go to the pub instead. Barmaids don't do politics.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2007-07-17 03:01:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Blame it on the boogie.

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-07-17 03:00:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

and then go blackberry picking

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-07-17 02:59:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

#11. Stick your fingers in your ears going "la la la LA LA LA I can't hear you"

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-07-17 02:53:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

.... aaaaaaaand the rest.

12. Peep head up out of the sand and take a good old sniff. Realise what that democracy has failed.

Pull the trigger.

Submitted by Bohme at 2007-07-17 02:52:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Move to Canada. It rocks here.

Submitted by BranDo at 2007-07-17 02:48:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

#12 Leave for Cuba and have a cigar.



#13 The Larch

Submitted by experima at 2007-07-17 02:46:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

nice one, B

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-07-17 02:43:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Second line.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-07-17 02:43:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

First line.

To read the rest...

Submitted by thorpe at 2007-07-17 02:38:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

11. Convince yourself that watching DVDs and going on Ubersite makes you part of the solution, because you need to relax and are enrolled in some kind of political degree.

Submitted by bob at 2007-07-17 02:27:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ill take a #10 to go please.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2007-07-17 02:12:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


What about the extraordinary Americans?

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2007-07-17 02:07:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I choose number 11:



Drag my ass on the carpet for a half hour.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-07-17 02:05:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I am going to retain hope, no matter how false.

I am also going to get some guns and gold and go to the mountains.

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-07-17 01:55:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm doing number 6, without the gold.

Submitted by GnarlsBarkley at 2007-07-17 01:48:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 cause I'm Canadian, and don't put up with your American political Crap.


Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!

-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror V