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Buttons Are Trying to Break My Fingers

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-08-14 07:17:52 EDT
Rating: 1.8 on 36 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I'm sick to fucking death of buttons. And they're everywhere. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to stick a button onto anything and everything that serves some sort of function? I'll tell you who: Hitler.

You know how many buttons Churchill had? One. A great big, fuck-off red one which said 'kick ass'. And he pressed it once and everyone kicked ass. After that he retired the button and it went to live a solitary life. But then some asshole Nazi broke into it's cottage by the coast and started cloning the fucking thing and now they're everywhere.

I want to use the lift because I'm too lazy to use the stairs: I have to press a goddamn button. What happened to the good old days before I was alive when we use to have men stood in the lift who kindly asked you which floor and then pulled a massive lever? Sure it took a lot longer and cost more, but some prick put those guys out of business by doing this. Who the hell do they think they are?

And the worst thing about a button: They always light up and make some pathetic 'bing' noise. Yeah thanks, wasn't sure if I actually pressed the fucking thing or imagined it. I really needed the audio and visual confirmation. Why not insult all of my sense and jolt me with electricy while spraying cat piss all over me everytime, just so I can be certain that deaf and blind people are fully aware that they have indeed managed to conquer the intimidating act of tapping a shiny piece of metal into a panel. If you're retarded enough to not be sure then you shouldn't be pressing buttons in the first place.

"But Nath, you obnoxious prick, they're so other people know that the button has been pressed." Good argument imaginary asshole. Except for these few points:

1. I don't know of anyone who observe a button. So if I saw someone stood outside a lift, looking like they're waiting to get on, I'd have to assume they're already pressed the button. If not, and I stand there for six hours with them due to stubborness and bitter determination, then so be it.

2. And also do you know how many people ignore the fact that a button is glowing orange thanks to you pressing it? They still walk up and press it, like I'm not actually qualified to work a lift, or the light's broken and is on anyway.

Without buttons there would be a lot less murders as well. Mainly because I'd stop killing all the twats who repeatidly press them.

Standing on a train and written on, above and beneath the door open button are the words "Press Button When Illuminated to Open Doors".

It seems some people are unsure and want the doors to open a few miles away from the fucking train station. They don't seem to realise that if they did open I'd throw them out onto the tracks for being such a fucking moron. And then when the doors don't open and they get frustrated I just want to Hulk out on them and just throw them through the door.

I'm sure there's plenty of arguments for buttons and the functions that they serve or the life's they've saved, but the same could be said for tanks and aligators, but I wouldn't have one in my house*. But it seems I can't even live comfortably in my home without it being invaded by round bits of plastic and metal.

Cavemen had the right idea. No buttons on dinosaurs. Just big teeth.

And no buttons on cavewomen. Just big tits and tiny, sabre-tooth tiger bikinis.

No, I'm not an historian, but I know that's fact.

It's bad enough I have to press virtual buttons all over the fucking computer screen just to function at my job or listen to music. I'd prefer a world where everything was either massive levers like the old days, or the future where I can do everything with my mind. Of course my passive aggression would probably cause most telepathic devices to fight each other or just die, but at least there wouldn't be any thing for me to press.

We wouldn't be slaves anymore. Unless you work in a sweatshop, but they all get sewing machines. No buttons on them. God knows what they feel the need to complain about. Some people are never satisfied.

---
I would have an aligator in my house if I could. I'd call it Buster.


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Submitted by experima at 2008-05-29 15:30:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2007-11-08 10:38:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-11-08 15:33:12 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-08 10:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Nath is one of the best writers

Submitted by ghola at 2007-11-08 10:33:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-11-08 10:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Nath is one of the best writers on here.

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2007-11-08 10:17:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nath is one of the best writers on here for his genre.



Submitted by ghola at 2007-11-08 10:05:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you haven't posted in a while

Submitted by Tigre at 2007-08-15 20:18:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yes.. Somebody who agrees with me that Hitler cloned buttons.. The bastard..
+2 for kick assadgeaddity.

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-08-15 19:45:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nath - Your next topic - DAISIES



GO!

Submitted by steph at 2007-08-15 14:17:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Damn that ranking button. It's evil. I know it is.

Submitted by rorrim at 2007-08-15 11:20:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ah, push it
Ah, push it
Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Get up on this!
Ow! baby!
Salt and pepas here!
[now wait a minute, yall
This dance aint for everybody
Only the sexy people
So all you fly mothers, get on out there and dance
Dance, I said!]
Salt and pepas here, and were in effect
Want you to push it, babe
Coolin by day then at night working up a sweat
Cmon girls, lets go show the guys that we know
How to become number one in a hot party show
Now push it
Ah, push it - push it good
Ah, push it - push it real good
Ah, push it - push it good
Ah, push it - p-push it real good
Hey! ow!
Push it good!
Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Oooh, baby, baby
Baby, baby
Push it good
Push it real good
Ah, push it
Ah, push it
Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop
Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss
Better make it fast or else Im gonna get pissed
Cant you hear the musics pumpin hard like I wish you would?
Now push it
Push it good
Push it real good
Push it good
P-push it real good
Ah, push it
Get up on this!
Boy, you really got me going
You got me so I dont know what Im doing


Ah, push it

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-08-15 10:50:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Zeglamancer at 2007-08-15 01:50:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Its so gay that I had to push a virtual button to give you your well deserved +2.

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2007-08-14 20:38:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If I had an aligator, I'd name it Clog.

Submitted by Lib at 2007-08-14 18:24:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

; )

Submitted by TheUniter at 2007-08-14 15:58:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

.

Submitted by TheUniter at 2007-08-14 15:58:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 1


Submitted by Axolotl at 2007-08-14 13:07:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by scourge at 2007-08-14 12:06:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

best thing i've read today, but not quite up to your usual standards.

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-08-14 11:58:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ballare at 2007-08-14 11:50:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2007-08-14 11:36:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I hope you realize the inherent flaw in your argument. if there were levers instead of buttons it'd just be levers trying to break your shit. Have you notcied how many doors are in your life? to go from my home to my desk at work I pass through eleven doors five of which have to be locked or unlocked.

---

Levers seperate the man from the boys.

And women from fugly bitches.

--

Yeah, but levers are inherently more manly. Especially electircal throw switches - they're badass.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-08-14 11:32:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funny.

I think you could have gone even further and ended with the button that will inevitably lead to the end of civilisation as we know it, reducing us to those cavemen you so admire.

The last line about the alligator was random but not particularly funny.


Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-08-14 10:50:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I hope you realize the inherent flaw in your argument. if there were levers instead of buttons it'd just be levers trying to break your shit. Have you notcied how many doors are in your life? to go from my home to my desk at work I pass through eleven doors five of which have to be locked or unlocked.

---

Levers seperate the man from the boys.

And women from fugly bitches.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-08-14 10:43:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hope you realize the inherent flaw in your argument. if there were levers instead of buttons it'd just be levers trying to break your shit. Have you notcied how many doors are in your life? to go from my home to my desk at work I pass through eleven doors five of which have to be locked or unlocked.

Submitted by fidelcity at 2007-08-14 10:40:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2007-08-14 10:11:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CarterPFly at 2007-08-14 09:22:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Already lit button pressers are cunts.

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2007-08-14 08:53:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-08-14 08:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I hate getting on an empty elevator and finding that some asshole thought he'd be funny and push all or most of the floor buttons going up AND down. Said asshole should be placed in a rising glass lift and shot at by onlookers like some sick amusement park game.

Giant purple stuffed penguin for the winner.
------------
I did this to an annoying kid that was, for some reason, riding the elevator by himself. I was sick and on my way to the doctor's office and he was being obnoxious, so while he was picking his nose and the doors to my floor opened, I ran my hand down all the buttons. As I exited the elevator I heard him yell 'HEYYYYY' as he realized what I'd done. I smiled and kept walking.

Submitted by Spam at 2007-08-14 08:50:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I often get into arguements with people at Pelican Crossings because of this. when they go up and press the button despite the fact that 'please wait' is lit up already, I like to hear lean into their ear and say "You know, I hear it works a LOT faster when you press it LOADS of times".

The really irritating thing is how many people hear this and say "Reall?" and then proceed to hammer the thing until the green man finally appears.

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2007-08-14 08:42:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hate getting on an empty elevator and finding that some asshole thought he'd be funny and push all or most of the floor buttons going up AND down. Said asshole should be placed in a rising glass lift and shot at by onlookers like some sick amusement park game.

Giant purple stuffed penguin for the winner.

Submitted by phuzzygish at 2007-08-14 08:19:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bingly boingly blip.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2007-08-14 07:48:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2007-08-14 07:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Just so long as it's housetrained, go for it.
----
They can be trained to use a litterbox like a ferret, if you keep a supply of ferrets near the litterbox.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2007-08-14 07:39:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

I'm sure you used to be MUCH funnier than this.

Submitted by orph at 2007-08-14 07:34:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I fucking hate people, like you've said, who when you are standing in front of a button you have recently pressed, come up and press the fucker again. Fuck off, I've pressed it, what am I a fucking moron.
This happens on lifts in the tube, so consequently, if you travel on the tube, I hate you. Nothing personal.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-08-14 07:30:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-14 07:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

"I would have an aligator in my house if I could. I'd call it Buster."
--------
I've asked around, just sort of informally, and we've come to a concensus. You may have an alligator in your house, and name it whatever you'd like. They grow wild here - I'll send you one.

---

Just so long as it's housetrained, go for it.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2007-08-14 07:29:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

"I would have an aligator in my house if I could. I'd call it Buster."
--------
I've asked around, just sort of informally, and we've come to a concensus. You may have an alligator in your house, and name it whatever you'd like. They grow wild here - I'll send you one.

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-08-14 07:26:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ha ha ha

true


Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest,
ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Substitute