Buttons Are Trying to Break My FingersSubmitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-08-14 07:17:52 EDT
Rating: 1.8 on 36 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I'm sick to fucking death of buttons. And they're everywhere. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to stick a button onto anything and everything that serves some sort of function? I'll tell you who: Hitler.
You know how many buttons Churchill had? One. A great big, fuck-off red one which said 'kick ass'. And he pressed it once and everyone kicked ass. After that he retired the button and it went to live a solitary life. But then some asshole Nazi broke into it's cottage by the coast and started cloning the fucking thing and now they're everywhere.
I want to use the lift because I'm too lazy to use the stairs: I have to press a goddamn button. What happened to the good old days before I was alive when we use to have men stood in the lift who kindly asked you which floor and then pulled a massive lever? Sure it took a lot longer and cost more, but some prick put those guys out of business by doing this. Who the hell do they think they are?
And the worst thing about a button: They always light up and make some pathetic 'bing' noise. Yeah thanks, wasn't sure if I actually pressed the fucking thing or imagined it. I really needed the audio and visual confirmation. Why not insult all of my sense and jolt me with electricy while spraying cat piss all over me everytime, just so I can be certain that deaf and blind people are fully aware that they have indeed managed to conquer the intimidating act of tapping a shiny piece of metal into a panel. If you're retarded enough to not be sure then you shouldn't be pressing buttons in the first place.
"But Nath, you obnoxious prick, they're so other people know that the button has been pressed." Good argument imaginary asshole. Except for these few points:
1. I don't know of anyone who observe a button. So if I saw someone stood outside a lift, looking like they're waiting to get on, I'd have to assume they're already pressed the button. If not, and I stand there for six hours with them due to stubborness and bitter determination, then so be it.
2. And also do you know how many people ignore the fact that a button is glowing orange thanks to you pressing it? They still walk up and press it, like I'm not actually qualified to work a lift, or the light's broken and is on anyway.
Without buttons there would be a lot less murders as well. Mainly because I'd stop killing all the twats who repeatidly press them.
Standing on a train and written on, above and beneath the door open button are the words "Press Button When Illuminated to Open Doors".
It seems some people are unsure and want the doors to open a few miles away from the fucking train station. They don't seem to realise that if they did open I'd throw them out onto the tracks for being such a fucking moron. And then when the doors don't open and they get frustrated I just want to Hulk out on them and just throw them through the door.
I'm sure there's plenty of arguments for buttons and the functions that they serve or the life's they've saved, but the same could be said for tanks and aligators, but I wouldn't have one in my house*. But it seems I can't even live comfortably in my home without it being invaded by round bits of plastic and metal.
Cavemen had the right idea. No buttons on dinosaurs. Just big teeth.
And no buttons on cavewomen. Just big tits and tiny, sabre-tooth tiger bikinis.
No, I'm not an historian, but I know that's fact.
It's bad enough I have to press virtual buttons all over the fucking computer screen just to function at my job or listen to music. I'd prefer a world where everything was either massive levers like the old days, or the future where I can do everything with my mind. Of course my passive aggression would probably cause most telepathic devices to fight each other or just die, but at least there wouldn't be any thing for me to press.
We wouldn't be slaves anymore. Unless you work in a sweatshop, but they all get sewing machines. No buttons on them. God knows what they feel the need to complain about. Some people are never satisfied.
I would have an aligator in my house if I could. I'd call it Buster.