The BOSH Man! WISHES YOU ALL A MERRY CHRISTMAS!! AND FESTIVUS!! AND THAT JEWISH HOLIDAY I CAN'T SPELL!!Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2007-12-19 18:29:31 EST
Rating: 1.85 on 45 ratings (45 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
So there I was going from mall to mall ripping the beards off fake Santa’s and taking pictures of the newfound emotionally destroyed five year olds when all of a sudden I realized I didn’t know how to finish this sentence.
I used the Scruggs signal (kind of like Batman, but not as bosh) to summon Scruggs to my location. He showed up like forty-five minutes later and had a dildo crammed into each visible orifice. I just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement.
We hopped on my moped and set cruise control for the North Pole.
About 35 seconds into our voyage, I realized Scruggs was still in my moped, probably shitting his pants. I did a bosh wheelie and Scruggs immediately fell off the back. I safely landed my front wheel back onto the pavement and turned around to see Scruggs getting up and brushing himself off. He got to within about 10 feet of the moped (I think he assumed it was an accident and wanted to get back on) when I flipped him off.. not just once, but 45 times in a row.
I peeled out when he started crying and went to pay Santa Clause a visit.
I walked into his workshop and lit up a cigarette.
“Hey dudes, these toys are pretty righteous. How come you guys make cool stuff like nutcrackers and wooden trucks with square wheels and then Santa drops off video games and iPods and shit?”
I’m not sure the midgets had ever thought of this.
“Fuckin A, Boshman. Powerful observation. What the dude do we do all this work for if Santa just goes around giving out other toys and gadgets?”
“Fuckin A, indeed, midgets.”
“I don’t give a fuck.”
So now the midgets are pretty well pissed off and they start following me to Santa’s house.. like an army of ..midgets following a normal sized human being, I guess.
I knocked 3 times before I got pissed off and started urinating on his door until it dissolved into candy, which I was completely unaware I was capable of. Scruggs came out of left field and started eating all the pee candy. The midgets started giggling, I just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement.
The midgets and I marched into Santa’s house and I almost died. He had ‘Scruggs’ Greatest Hits’ album on.
“HO HO HO! Merry Christmas Bosh Man!”
“Merry Christmas.. I FUCKED YOUR SNOWMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“ HO HO ..uh?????!?!”
“Scruggs loving faggot! Me and your overworked midgets have a bone to pick with you”
“Its about the toys, isn’t it?”
“Fuckin A right it is.”
After a lengthy discussion, Santa agreed to send out all the bosh toys the midgets had been working so hard on all year. Having fulfilled my duty as a revolutionary negotiator between midgets and fictitious fat dickheads, it was time to kick my stirrups and ride into the frozen tundra, due south.
I told Scruggs he was eating my piss and he started crying and shitting himself, so I punched him in the neck and had him find his own way home.
Santa came through with his promise. Everyone got hand-made crafts for Christmas: Nutcrackers, wooden trucks with square wheels, wagons, jack-in-the-box’s, model airplanes, etc.
It went down as the worst Christmas in all of time. People were pretty pissed off about it. Santa turned himself into a dinosaur and ate all the midgets in his anger. There would never be another Christmas ever again.
I didn’t care all that much though, I got my nutcracker and all was right in the world of The BOSH Man!