What Would Have Happened to Bugs Bunny Had He Made that Left Turn in AlbuquerqueSubmitted by beeltea at 2007-12-28 04:00:08 EST
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Assuming that Bugs Bunny is traveling east from the Warner Brothers Studios in California, making a left turn in Albuquerque would eventually place him in Espanola, New Mexico; or the unofficial "Low-rider Capital of the World." There, Bugs would be pulled over by tribal police of the Jicarilla Apaches for speeding and illegal tunneling. Or something else. It doesn't really matter. Tribal police will make up their own reasons to pull you over.
Bugs would spend the night in the drunk tank with several others who had been pulled in that evening for DWI. It's not that they encourage drunk driving in New Mexico, but drive-through beer barns are still legal state-wide and if you want they'll even give you a bag of ice with your twelve pack so you can fill up the cooler sitting on the floorboard of your 1973 Ford Ranchero and be merrily on your way. Oh, and gas stations in New Mexico also have a full selection of hard liquor available. Yep, they do. However, don't drink and drive. Seriously.
In the morning Bugs Bunny would appear before Tribal Council and be fined stiff penalties for tunneling, which (from the verdict handed down) "resulted in wholesale desecration of the land which the Jicarilla people hold as sacred". Being a rabbit and having no real concept of money Bugsie would be unable to pay the stiff fines levied against him and would subsequently be sentenced to a seven month jail stint in the overcrowded prison serving the Jicarilla Nation. The Apache guards would beat him regularly to try to break his will and cease his constant smart-ass "What's up, Doc?" routine.
Eventually the treatment would take it's toll on the hare, and no more laughs or shenanigans would be coming from this bunny; only soft sobbing every night from his cold, barren, carrot-less cell.
After his release from jail, Bugs Bunny would be a broken rabbit. He would wander from town to town around Northern New Mexico with little direction; working odd jobs and committing petty theft to support his newly-developed heroin addiction. During those years he would be frequently spotted at Indian casinos playing low-limit blackjack, trying to put together enough chips to score another bag of dope and spinning drunken, rambling, incoherent tales about his "glory days" back in Hollywood for anybody who would bother to listen. The famous rabbit we all knew and loved would hit rock bottom and become a homeless hare; a listless leporid; a sad, sad, lonely bunny.
Things would, however, turn around for Bugs. One late night he passed out drunk and high in a snow bank on the side of the highway. He would have frozen to death, but in a miraculous turn that could have only been the work of the Great Life Giver; Lone Wolf the White Apache (the Shaman of the Jicarilla tribe) passed his near-frozen body while traveling north to his home. His inherent spiritual wisdom sensed that Bugs was no ordinary bunny, and the medicine man drove Bugs to his home in Dulce where he slowly tended to the hare until Bugs regained consciousness.
"heh... eh... wh-what's up, doc?" The bunny said weakly upon awakening.
"The Changing Lady and Coyote spirit have spoken to me of your suffering, furred one."
"The coyote spirit? You mean Wile-E.?"
"I know you have many questions, my gray friend; but rest now. You are safe here among my people."
Later on, now fully recuperated and broken of his habit, Bugs would travel with Lone Wolf to the top of a nearby mountain, where they ingested peyote during the most sacred of ceremonies. The awesome visions and revelations that came to Bugs during this journey made him resolve to throw away the frivolity of his former celebrity lifestyle and embrace the peaceful and simple ways of the Apache. Before long he was accepted as a member of the tribe, and his name was changed from Bugs Bunny to a more appropriate Apache name, "He who Leans with a Carrot".
Bugs would eventually rise as a leading advocate for the Jicarilla people and (ironically) settle down in Albuquerque, where he would join the faculty at the University of New Mexico and become a distinguished professor of indigenous peoples. His book, "Journey Out of Darkness: My Life with the Jicarilla" would gain critical acclaim in scholarly circles and eventually earn him the coveted Nichols-Chancellor's Medal.
Tragically, shortly after winning the award, Bugs would be chased down and killed by a pack of wild coyotes; ironic again being that UNM's mascot is the lobo.
But none of this ever happened because Bugs Bunny never made that left turn in Albuquerque.
I have no explanation for this post. So don't ask..JPG