Brady, Moss Opt Out Of Pro Bowl To Have Sex With Each OtherSubmitted by ryandonovan at 2008-02-09 12:30:48 EST
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BRADY, MOSS OPT OUT OF PRO BOWL TO HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER
From Wire Reports
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. -- Tom Brady and Randy Moss are skipping the Pro Bowl in order to have sex with each other, they announced Monday in a joint statement.
“It’s truly an honor to be selected for the Pro Bowl, and I was looking forward to playing,” Brady said. “But we both feel, after much deliberation, that it’s more important for us to rest, and to have intercourse. With each other.”
“That’s right,” Moss added. “We’ll be dicking it up.”
The press conference was called in the media room of the New England Patriots’ practice facility, less than 24 hours after Brady and Moss suffered an embarrassing loss to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl. The pair fielded questions from reporters for an hour, taking turns sitting on each other’s lap.
“It’s not that I don’t want to play in the Pro Bowl,” Moss explained. “It’s just that I’d rather fill his crap cave with my love spackle.”
When asked what exactly their alternative plans were, Brady said simply, “We’re going to head down to Key West and find a nice secluded beach where swim trunks and women are not allowed.”
Throughout the interview, the pair traded flirty quips like a couple of giddy teenagers. “With Tom, it’s not as much about the sodomy as it is the snuggling afterwards,” Moss said.
“I pretend Randy’s cornrows are reigns, and he whinnies like a pony,” said Brady.
“You know it. And when Tom tickles my inner thighs with that five-o’clock shadow, I just lose it,” cooed Moss.
“I lose it anytime I get that sweet Randy Candy in my mouth,” replied Brady.
“But honestly, for us, it’s not just about anal sex,” Moss said. “It’s also about felching, donkey punching, fisting, rim jobbing, cornhole thumbing, hot lunching, blumpkining, tea bagging, hot karling, and Cleveland steaming.”
“That’s right,” Brady confirmed. “And sometimes, after four rough quarters, I just need a man to caress my balls.”
When asked what his greatest accomplishment of the season was, Brady offered, “Probably my MVP award.” Moss then chimed in sweetly, “Most Versatile Penis,” before giving Brady a tongue kiss.
The duo made headlines and magazine covers all season long. Brady hooked up with Moss on a record-setting 23 scoring passes this season. “Oh, it was a lot more times than that,” Brady said with a wink.
When Moss arrived in training camp before the season, Brady knew the year would be different. “I said to myself, ‘That guy’s a playmaker. That’s a guy who’s going to win a championship. That’s a guy I’m gonna fuck.’”
When asked when he knew there was a spark between them, Moss became giddy. “He was preparing for the Stetson magazine ad, the delicious one where he’s wearing a shearling coat with no shirt. He asked me to shave his chest. When I lingered around his nipples, I think we both knew.”
Their flirting became physical in the Patriots’ locker room, commonly referred to as ‘The Meat Packing District’. “What started out as an innocent blow job to relieve pre-game tension turned into so much more,” gushed Brady. “But it was the post-game sixty-nine that really did it for me. I hadn’t gotten a blow jay like that since Kevin Faulk and I had a swordfight in Tedy Bruschi’s mouth.”
Moss learned quickly that Brady’s demands as a field general were rigorous. “The first month of the season was a tough adjustment,” he said. “I hadn’t sucked that much dick since I was an altar boy.”
Brady and Moss hit a rough patch mid-way through the season, when Brady was listed as questionable up until game time, due to getting semen in his eye. “I told him, that’s why you always swallow,” Moss said of the incident.
For bath house legend Brady, the legacy extends beyond Moss. When asked if he had slept with 85 percent of his teammates, as it had been rumored, Brady laughed. “Oh, not that many. I’m no Tony Romo.”
The mood at the press conference turned less jovial when the subject of women was broached. When asked about fathering a child in a heterosexual relationship with actress Bridget Moynahan, Brady looked baffled. “You must be thinking of Rosevelt Colvin.”
Brady was also asked about his rumored girlfriend, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, who cheered him on at the Super Bowl. “Didn’t you know Gisele is a lesbian?” Brady asked. “I thought that was made clear when she dated Leonardo DiCaprio.”
Moss also got testy when asked about his lover’s nickname, ‘Tom Lady’. “He may throw like he has a vagina, but he doesn’t actually have one,” he snarled.
Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, surrounded by a flurry of allegations this season, jumped at the chance to compliment his two favorite players. “Tom’s had a reputation as a consummate team player ever since he first offered his anus to Lloyd Carr as a freshman at Michigan. And Randy, well, you know how well his hands can handle pigskin, so you can just imagine how good they are with cockskin.”
When asked about the infamous Spygate, however, Belichick became defensive and quiet. “I only filmed them having sex once,” he commented solemnly.
When the subject turned back to the decision to pass up the rare opportunity of playing in the Pro Bowl, Brady and Moss became serious and pensive. “Even if I wasn’t going to be playing Pop Goes Your Weasel with Randy, I would be too ashamed to go to the Honolulu after losing the Super Bowl,” Brady said.
“That’s right,” Moss fumed. “Our whole season was rendered meaningless. We played perfect football for 1,139 minutes, then blew it in the final one. I’m too much of a coward to show my face at the Pro Bowl after that.”
“I haven’t been this upset since my mirror broke,” Brady vented. “We had the opportunity to be known as the greatest team ever to play, but we have now been rendered as just another group of underachievers. I’ve been exposed as an overrated hack, that’s for sure.”
“And I’ve proven that I’m just a no-talent showboat,” Moss added.
When asked if he thought his parents still loved him after such an emasculating debacle, Brady sniffed, “Probably not.”
The mood turned decisively lighter when Moss was asked about his touchdown celebration in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, when he appeared to make some kind of parting-the-waves motion with his hands. “Oh that?” Moss grinned. “That’s what I was planning to do to Tom’s buttcheeks after the game.”
Brady had plenty to say about other players. When asked his opinion of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins team, Brady said, “I wouldn’t mind tagging Larry Csonka, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Asked what he thought about Eli Manning, who won the Super Bowl MVP award, Brady got quiet. “He’s a fierce competitor, much tougher than he gets credit for. I think he has a great head for the game,” Brady said thoughtfully. “And I’d like to have sex with him.”
He was also very respectful of Eli’s brother, Peyton, who is considered Brady’s main rival in the NFL. “Cannon arm. Stunning accuracy. Poised under pressure. Great ass. He’s the complete package.”
When asked about other players in the league, Brady described Jason Taylor as “shaved from head to glorious toe,” Warren Sapp as “surprising gentle,” and Michael Strahan as “a biter.”
Questions about his rumored torrid affair and subsequent messy breakup with Bengals receiver Chad Johnson made Brady visibly upset. “You mean Ocho Shrinko?” he barked. “I’ve gotten better head from punters.”
Brady voiced his disappointment over not having a Super Bowl showdown with the NFC’s top passer, Brett Favre. “It would have been great to play him in the big game,” he lamented, “and to suck off his bushy, meaty cock afterwards. The painkillers usually put him to sleep before he finishes, though.”
The players ended the press conference by talking about their plans for after the passionate island tryst. “I’m thinking of bumping some elderly pedestrians with my car, then maybe taking over Mike Vick’s dogfighting business,” Moss opined.
“And I’ll probably spend the off-season neglecting my child,” Brady said.