login / register
Ruth Bader Ginsburg goes back to work 1 day after breaking 3 ribs.
Welcome to Ubersite!

Ubertines 08: Lovesong for Auntsex (or "the Breakup Confession")

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2008-02-21 14:25:07 EST
Rating: 1.24 on 36 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Sometimes when we sex
I think of your aunt
I can't help it
She's just so fucking hot

Her name is Vanessa
But I call her Tits
Because of the tops she wears
Tight as one of those blood pressure
Things my doctor uses, with the
Velcro and the pressure bulb
Sometimes those get pretty damn tight
And it hurts
Just like it must hurt your aunt to wear
Those tight tops, especially on those
Bullet nipples of hers
They could put out an eye

This one time I was in line at the DMV
And instead of hearing them call my number
I heard a voice say "In hoc aunto sexes"
Or "in this aunt you will sex"
I felt like Constantine
Only with a boner

I would probably give my left eye to fuck your aunt
But I'm not really sure yet
Probably because she has bad taste in men
But that might be because
Her taste in men
Doesn't include me

She made us cookies when we were kids
And even then I knew I wanted to sex her
Sex her like I sex you on Thursdays
Why do we only sex on Thursdays?
The batch or batter or whatever
That big cookie dough dick thing
She'd lick it when you weren't watching
And shimmy her fingers up and down
But I was nine and didn't know about handjobs
So I just thought that was how you made cookies
I'd probably have been able to hit that
If I spent more time in the kitchen
With mom
Fuck

This one time I came on the desk I had in college
And fashioned out of my sex there was a portrait
Of your aunt

Vanessa lives five streets and twenty years over
But I'm not concerned
I've got moves and youth
I can take Vanessa-Tits TO THE MAXXX
Especially if she gets drunk on Miller Chill again
Like she did last week at the bowling alley
Why do we go bowling with your aunt?
I don't mind, I'm just curious
Our fingers brushed each other when I handed her
The ugly bowling shoes I received from the Hindu
Working the register
I immediately thought of handjobs
And wanted chocolate chip cookies in the worst way
She didn't see me
But I watched her put on her shoes
Oh how I watched the huddled, refugee toes
Mmm

I would probably give my non-bowling fingers to fuck your aunt
But I'm not really sure yet
That's a big commitment

This one time I was eating tilapia
And the scattered bones of the fish
Criss-crossed and resembled the letter V
And I instantly thought of vagina
The vagina of your aunt

You and I sexed on Valentine's Day
As per our Thursday tradition
But it's a week later and I can't play this game anymore
Your aunt is as hot as a bag of kittens set on fire
By that neighbor kid with Downs who doesn't know no better
Your aunt is the skin irritant hot sauce of my life
Burning me up like a fever
Or Nicholas Cage in The Wicker Man
I love her like a spring break girl loves pussy
Which is to say momentarily and intensely
I love her in ways that are illegal in some states
I want to love her in ways that are illegal in all fifty states
All day, not just Thursday
And not in this same old, face down, ass up way of ours
We do not sex well together, you and me
I want the tits and the brass ring
I want the Miller Chill drunk sex stylings
And the bizzare cookie dough insertions
The .50 cal nipples and the bowling-sock feet
I'm sorry she's your aunt
And I'm sorry I'm your boyfriend
But we're through, Patrick.




Review This Item

Rating:

Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2008-02-25 12:18:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-23 12:18:20 CST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:47:58 CST (#)
Ranking: 2

This could have been shit, but it wasn't.
----------------------------

It wasn't?

Worth reading for certain, but I expect better from you, good sir.
---------------------
Well it wasn't great, but it was funny, Orgasmatron > other poets.
===========================

True, I'll give you that. But I guess I just expect better 'cause he's proven himself an expert poet on so many better posts.

Submitted by Ltap at 2008-02-23 13:18:20 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:47:58 CST (#)
Ranking: 2

This could have been shit, but it wasn't.
----------------------------

It wasn't?

Worth reading for certain, but I expect better from you, good sir.
---------------------
Well it wasn't great, but it was funny, Orgasmatron > other poets.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2008-02-22 15:29:31 EST (#)
Rating: 0


hehe

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2008-02-22 14:57:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Liked it a lot

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2008-02-22 14:52:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'll just settle for being a man-whore and letting women use me like a piece of meat.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2008-02-22 14:21:21 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I can provide you with an Orgasmatron if you would kindly offer up a broodmare of your choosing.

Raising one is almost as fun as being one. Or so I've been told.

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2008-02-22 14:14:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*weeps*

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2008-02-22 14:03:14 EST (#)
Rating: 1

One does not simply "become" an Orgasmatron. One is born an Orgasmatron.

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2008-02-22 13:46:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wait... you show up and they just get all moist?

How does one become an Orgasmatron?

Submitted by iddqd at 2008-02-22 12:23:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

all except for the punchline, probably the best poem ive read of yours.


nah, not probably.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-02-22 12:03:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-02-22 11:26:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Darko- I'd teach you, but I have a Tori Amos bumper sticker on my car so I'm afraid you'd reject me :(

Submitted by darko at 2008-02-22 10:54:32 EST (#)
Rating: 0

what's a sex life?

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-02-22 10:05:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't get all the crit- this is a perfect example of the marriage between poemetry and LOLZ that makes you The Orgasmatron. I know it's a comp, and you know I miss your serious pieces like I miss having anything remotely resembling an active sex life, but I think it's pretty funny. Plus I forfeited, so +2 all day long.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2008-02-22 09:49:59 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.

---

My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.

Why wouldn't I phone it in?
_________

Pride in your work?
I have overcome pride and vanity. Vanity prides itself on ME.

Artistic integrity?
There's more here than you give me credit for. I've incorporated a number of subtle Norse references, and the potential for a boyfriend/aunt heterosexual relationship fresh off the conclusion of an exclusively homosexual one will be epic in the community these people live in. How will society react? How will the families feel?

To pick up chicks?
I just have to show up here and everyone gets moist. Chicks know, man.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2008-02-21 20:30:08 EST (#)
Rating: 1

For a poem, it ain't bad.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2008-02-21 20:19:05 EST (#)
Rating: -1

I've seen better

Submitted by HotWillie at 2008-02-21 16:41:57 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-21 15:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.

---

My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.

Why wouldn't I phone it in?
-------------
You would have no competitors if you would go back to actually trying. . .


==========================================

HAHAHA Bubba is two timing McCallum.

Does Jack know you have your tongue up another man's asshole?

Or do you lovebirds have an open relationship?

Speaking of ancient:

What's the difference between Bubba's wife and a bowling ball?

You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2008-02-21 16:33:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.

---

My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.

Why wouldn't I phone it in?
_________

Pride in your work?
Artistic integrity?
To pick up chicks?

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2008-02-21 16:27:28 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:47:58 CST (#)
Ranking: 2

This could have been shit, but it wasn't.
----------------------------

It wasn't?

Worth reading for certain, but I expect better from you, good sir.

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2008-02-21 15:59:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd probably have been able to hit that
If I spent more time in the kitchen
With mom
Fuck

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2008-02-21 15:55:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.

---

My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.

Why wouldn't I phone it in?
-------------
You would have no competitors if you would go back to actually trying. . .

Submitted by Crystle at 2008-02-21 15:55:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

heh

Submitted by Ltap at 2008-02-21 15:47:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This could have been shit, but it wasn't. Congratulations.

Submitted by cat_head at 2008-02-21 15:45:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking hilarious.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2008-02-21 15:40:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

I imagined you as Eminem reading this and that made it entertaining.

----

heh.

Submitted by BlazinBull at 2008-02-21 15:01:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by lostnphound at 2008-02-21 14:54:47 EST (#)
Rating: 1

BOING

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-02-21 14:52:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You are such a hopeless romantic.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2008-02-21 14:38:17 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.

---

My last opponent forfeited and my current opponent hasn't posted yet, and, who knows, might not.

Why wouldn't I phone it in?

Submitted by czwij at 2008-02-21 14:37:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

at least you get some on thursday
i get nothing no day anymore

i wish i were locksly

Submitted by MudWhistle at 2008-02-21 14:37:02 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I imagined you as Eminem reading this and that made it entertaining.

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2008-02-21 14:34:48 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I got half way through and it was a 0. I finished it, because you wrote it, and it became a 1.

Some great stuff in there - like the Thursday call backs - but over all it felt a little phoned in.

Submitted by darko at 2008-02-21 14:28:07 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I only read the first three lines and the last three lines. It's probably better that way.

Submitted by darko at 2008-02-21 14:27:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I approve

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-02-21 14:27:24 EST (#)
Rating: 0

What's this about? Bowling?


It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.

-- Homer Simpson
Homer Goes To College