My first dateSubmitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-03-03 14:01:00 EST
Rating: 1.92 on 33 ratings (33 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
The first date I ever had was with myself. It began when I noticed how beautiful I was, and how much I loved me.
I had tried getting a date with myself before, but I got rejected because I thought I was too...... odd, and my parents certainly wouldn't approve.
I tried again and again, and finally I got a date.
I started off by taking myself to Burger King. True, it's a poor place for a first date, but I worked with me at Wal-Mart, so I knew that I didn't make much money, so I pretended that it was special, because it was with me. I know they say dating a co-worker creates problems, but I thought I was different, and it wouldn't affect me like it has so many others.
After our "meal" I drove around with me, myself sitting in the seat next to mine, it felt so great to be out in the fresh air of spring, without a care in the world, with the one person I felt I could love like no other.
We decided to go and catch a movie, and I got to put arm around me, which was a task in itself. The movie was ok, we had come to see Independance Day, but the tickets were sold out (which I thought strange,) so I decided to go and see Jerry Maguire instead. It was ok, but some yahoo in the back kept yelling at me for talking to myself during the film. What kind of jerk interrupts a date like that? So I did what any man would do, I got up, and walked toward him, and even though my date was telling me "Stop! He's just being an asshole!", I couldn't just let it go. When I got up to him though, I could see he was shaking, so I just let loose a laugh, which seemed to scare him even more. I decided I didn't want to piss myself off on our first date, so I let it go. What a jerk.
We pulled into the park overlooking the river, and I thought, now the time is right, and considered how I would put the moves on myself. Little did I know that I was thinking the same thing.
It started out with some foreplay, nothing too serious, just some fondling, some heavy petting and whatnot.
I decided it would be best to just take a quick breath, and go for it, and so I made the first move, plunging my hand into my pants. I ended up getting laid, but it was like I was by myself, and I wasn't putting enough into it for myself. So the next time I had a date, I just ended up going home early and masturbating instead.
Why spend money on a date for such a disappointment?
It ended up that I moved away from myself, and lost touch with that "special" person. I would regret it, but I ended up getting married to someone great, who can accept me for me, and is great in the sack!
Plus, people don't stare when WE go out, which is a HUGE bonus.