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My first date

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-03-03 14:01:00 EST
Rating: 1.92 on 33 ratings (33 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

The first date I ever had was with myself. It began when I noticed how beautiful I was, and how much I loved me.

I had tried getting a date with myself before, but I got rejected because I thought I was too...... odd, and my parents certainly wouldn't approve.

I tried again and again, and finally I got a date.

I started off by taking myself to Burger King. True, it's a poor place for a first date, but I worked with me at Wal-Mart, so I knew that I didn't make much money, so I pretended that it was special, because it was with me. I know they say dating a co-worker creates problems, but I thought I was different, and it wouldn't affect me like it has so many others.

After our "meal" I drove around with me, myself sitting in the seat next to mine, it felt so great to be out in the fresh air of spring, without a care in the world, with the one person I felt I could love like no other.

We decided to go and catch a movie, and I got to put arm around me, which was a task in itself. The movie was ok, we had come to see Independance Day, but the tickets were sold out (which I thought strange,) so I decided to go and see Jerry Maguire instead. It was ok, but some yahoo in the back kept yelling at me for talking to myself during the film. What kind of jerk interrupts a date like that? So I did what any man would do, I got up, and walked toward him, and even though my date was telling me "Stop! He's just being an asshole!", I couldn't just let it go. When I got up to him though, I could see he was shaking, so I just let loose a laugh, which seemed to scare him even more. I decided I didn't want to piss myself off on our first date, so I let it go. What a jerk.

We pulled into the park overlooking the river, and I thought, now the time is right, and considered how I would put the moves on myself. Little did I know that I was thinking the same thing.

It started out with some foreplay, nothing too serious, just some fondling, some heavy petting and whatnot.

I decided it would be best to just take a quick breath, and go for it, and so I made the first move, plunging my hand into my pants. I ended up getting laid, but it was like I was by myself, and I wasn't putting enough into it for myself. So the next time I had a date, I just ended up going home early and masturbating instead.

Why spend money on a date for such a disappointment?

It ended up that I moved away from myself, and lost touch with that "special" person. I would regret it, but I ended up getting married to someone great, who can accept me for me, and is great in the sack!

Plus, people don't stare when WE go out, which is a HUGE bonus.


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Submitted by no1hasdis at 2008-10-01 16:33:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I missed this gem the first time around.

Submitted by Sage at 2008-10-01 16:17:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't really know what to say about this, except...

POINTS!!

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-10-01 15:59:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I love me.

Submitted by BeforeEmily at 2008-03-30 11:32:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Ugh, I saw a homeless guy jerkin' it this morning, and it wasn't the first time, either.

Submitted by Ltap at 2008-03-30 09:52:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Just in case I forgot to +2 this...

Submitted by spyder882001 at 2008-03-30 07:35:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Tjhom at 2008-03-30 06:09:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

freaking hilarious
however, surely you've thought about how awesome it would be if you ran into yourself properly one day.

Although you'd probably just get into a fight and then mutually masturbate with your eyes closed.

Submitted by scourge at 2008-03-04 17:06:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahA

Submitted by ChaosJester at 2008-03-04 16:49:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Narcissism

Submitted by Maddog at 2008-03-04 16:24:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sounds like this was you latest date, too. Not bad, though.

Submitted by czwij at 2008-03-04 09:37:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

at least you didn't slip yourself a roofie, then how would you drive home?

Submitted by Berty at 2008-03-04 09:13:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DrogoRoch at 2008-03-04 05:08:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hahahahahaha I needed that

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-03-03 19:14:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-03-03 15:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2


I KILL ME I REALLY DO!
---------------------------
Hope spring eternal.

Submitted by Ballare at 2008-03-03 17:22:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2008-03-03 16:49:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

:)

Submitted by HellRazer at 2008-03-03 16:23:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HA.

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2008-03-03 16:19:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was beautiful. Like Terms of Endearment, only with more masturbation. Much, much more.

Submitted by HotWillie at 2008-03-03 16:15:38 EST (#)
Rating: 0

meh

Submitted by rob_berg at 2008-03-03 16:05:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2


haha.

DEES EES FUNNY STUFFS.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2008-03-03 15:33:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHAHAHA...I was hoping you'd post this. Great transition from e-mail to story.

Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope at 2008-03-03 15:06:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MudWhistle at 2008-03-03 15:04:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

what was his name?




BA...DUM....TISH!


I KILL ME I REALLY DO!

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-03-03 15:03:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I ended up getting laid, but it was like I was by myself
===
So, it was like an average 2-person date, then.

Submitted by TheGoat at 2008-03-03 14:48:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-03 19:42:17 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

or will people question your reasons for going back in time only to have sex with yourself, and further proclaim you a homo?


please advise!!
----------------------------------
Not if your sexy....
I'd bang myself in the past, I looked great, and still do.

The real question- Would it be considered masturbation?

------
yes- you know like when people say " go fuck yourself"

Submitted by lostnphound at 2008-03-03 14:44:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Great writing concept!

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-03-03 14:42:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

or will people question your reasons for going back in time only to have sex with yourself, and further proclaim you a homo?


please advise!!
----------------------------------
Not if your sexy....
I'd bang myself in the past, I looked great, and still do.

The real question- Would it be considered masturbation?

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-03-03 14:40:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha freak

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2008-03-03 14:39:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

or will people question your reasons for going back in time only to have sex with yourself, and further proclaim you a homo?


please advise!!

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2008-03-03 14:38:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

and if it is gay, would it be overlooked because of how badass you are for inventing time travel?

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2008-03-03 14:35:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

if you go back in time and have sex with yourself, is that gay?

Submitted by LegoSockPuppet at 2008-03-03 14:33:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ha

masturbation

Submitted by JoeyG at 2008-03-03 14:04:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed.


Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.

-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer