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A Player to the End.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-04-04 23:56:55 EDT
Rating: 1.5 on 37 ratings (37 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

When he was a kid, my grandfather drank a bottle of whiskey, staggered into a tattoo parlour, and came out with a naked woman tattooed onto his forearm. Morning came around, and much to his dismay, he woke to find his sister standing over him and shrieking that it wasn’t godly, that thing on his arm…and he needed to get out of the house until he’d covered it up or she was telling their mum. He came back later that day, smiling smugly, with a skimpy bikini covering her naughty bits.

The next time his sister got drunk, he punched her in the face, dragged her to the tattoo parlour, and for a nice tip, had the tattoo artist tattoo a penis on her left ass cheek. In the morning, much to her chagrin, she awoke to find her brother standing over her. “Don’t talk to me about being ungodly” he said. Tattoos were never a subject in the house again.

I love my grandpa.

Unfortunately he has recently been placed, rather unceremoniously, into a home. It’s sort of depressing because despite being 87 he’s still got his wits about him. Mostly. Straight from Stirling, and with a mouth on him that would leave no doubt that he used to serve in the Navy.

I take him to pubs so that he can drink. They don’t encourage this in the home. I’ve been informed that the last time they allowed him to have beer in the common room, he had become so sexually forward with one of the nursing aides that he had to be restrained. Also, I try to steer clear because if I visit him in that room, there’s always a woman there named Sara who has some sort of elephantitis of the head (It’s fucking huge…I’ve never seen anything like it in my whole life). She is OBSESSED with my grandfather. She wheels in on her electric chair, sidles up next to him, rubs her great big head against his arm and drools on him as she watches him play dominoes. This is met with a groan and a look of sheer disgust. “Do ye see wha’ I hav’ ta deal wit’ here pet? Do ya?” he says, exasperated. When she wheels herself away he jabs me in the ribs and whispers, which for him is close to a battle cry “Didja see that monster?! Didja?? A beast like that belongs in Lochness!!!!” as though I hadn’t been sitting there the whole time.

Tactful, my grandfather is not.

At the pub, he acts like a complete letch…I help him through the doors, because even with his walker, he’s not always steady enough on his feet. Before we are seated, guaranteed, he will have asked at least two of the waitresses to come and sit on his lap. At the table, when our server comes over to us, she asks if we’d like a menu….

“NO, I’M WAITING FOR A BUS” he exclaims.

“Er…okay, I’ll be right…”.

He cuts her off…“DO I KNOW YOU? ARE WE MARRIED???”

“Er, noooo….I was just going to get you a….”

“WELL AREN’T YOU A CHEEKY LITTLE LASS, COME AND SIT ON MY KNEE. YOU NEED A RIGHT GOOD SPANKING”.

At this point, the waitress is looking at me to do something. Not likely. It went on from there. I don’t know how he managed…the age factor I guess, but he had her calling him “Scottie” before we left the pub – she even gave him a little kiss on the cheek.



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Submitted by Ducky at 2008-04-07 13:32:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

From this day forth, Orphelia, of Ubersite is officially, in the most unofficial of ways, a Canadian. You are entitled to the protection of one of the smallest, but best trained armies in the world, extreme weather conditions (-40 in the winter and +40 in the summer), a set of used snow tires, and an undying love of poutine, Bryan Adams, and Corey Hart. You lucky thing.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-04-06 20:12:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-04-06 18:41:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hearby swear in Ducky as an Honourary Brit. You are hearby entitled to free NHS treatment (waiting times of 5years), bad teeth, persistent rain and the love of bangers and mash.
Ooooh, I only have 3 Uber femme friends! Yay! Now four! :)

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-04-06 18:35:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Sweet of you. If you make me an honorary brit, I will swear you in as a Canadian and we can be friends.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-04-06 18:31:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You look hotter, Ducky.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-04-06 18:25:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You like older guys?

http://www.ubersite.com/m/93678


Submitted by orphelia at 2008-04-06 18:21:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Bub told me he was old. I like old guys. They are my *thing*.

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-04-06 18:15:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Ahem...are you trying to imply that Bubba is ANYTHING other than a strapping young lad? I saw his camwhore...he looked incredibly spry in that rocking chair.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-04-06 17:32:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-04-06 22:17:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-06 15:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Erotic
____________________________

Erotic? I'm not sure how erotic you can be when you're in your mid-80's.

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ask bubba ;)

Submitted by Ducky at 2008-04-06 17:17:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-04-06 15:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Erotic
____________________________

Erotic? I'm not sure how erotic you can be when you're in your mid-80's.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2008-04-06 15:24:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Erotic

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-04-06 03:35:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Your posts are always really good.

Submitted by spyder882001 at 2008-04-05 11:31:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My grandfather is the same way.

Submitted by rorrim at 2008-04-05 03:25:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by loan_officer at 2008-04-05 01:47:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:47:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh yeah, ducky. remember to pay it forward.

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:44:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ducky, you're done, son. the gravy train is disembarking, i ain't giving this thing any more of my time. your going to have to go it alone and make hay while the sun don't shine. Just do your best, do everything you can. And don't you worry what the bitter hearts, are gonna say It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over) Everything, everything it'll be just fine (over, and over) Everything, everything it'll be alright (alright). It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride (over, and over) Everything, everything It'll be just fine (over, and over)verything, everything it'll be alright (alright)

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:41:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i appreciate your viewership. people like you inspire me to continue on.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-04-05 01:39:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

the word pert always makes me giggle OH GOD I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE SASSY OR FLIPPANT

i have to go to bed but Im so going to listen to SEVEN BEEEEEEEERS before I do. It makes me laugh every time.

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:35:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YOUR

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:35:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i just gave you're last post a bad rating for being pert. among other reasons....

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-04-05 01:30:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh ffs Im a grown woman, like 10 yrs older than the averae uberer, why wouldI care if ..OH I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING well it's not going to work mister.

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:26:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:24:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:23:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

now you employ pretend typos...quadrupfffft.

Submitted by jasumthin at 2008-04-05 01:21:31 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Moses was telling this one during the Exodus.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-04-05 01:18:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

DAMNNIT

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-04-05 01:18:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

welll now youre just being silly

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:17:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

pfft. you're not drunk

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-04-05 01:16:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

uh

I'm drunk and honest..don't think I claimed originality..

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-04-05 01:14:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-05 01:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I like old people.

And really young people.

It's the ones in the middle that I take issue with mostly.

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pffft. how original

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2008-04-05 01:13:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like old people.

And really young people.

It's the ones in the middle that I take issue with mostly.

Submitted by Hadley at 2008-04-05 00:50:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Your granddad rules.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2008-04-05 00:22:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2008-04-05 00:15:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

:(

Submitted by ArnieGeddon at 2008-04-05 00:15:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fag below.

and above.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2008-04-05 00:14:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i'm a player too - it's what us old guys do.



okay i'm not....





...i can't even play a pianola.

:(


You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She
said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and, God bless her soul, she
was really onto something.

-- Homer Simpson
There's No Disgrace Like Home