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The Red Motherfucking Scare (A bit long)

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2008-04-08 15:42:35 EDT
Rating: 1.76 on 36 ratings (36 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Seeing as how I haven't posted much in the past year, I'm pretty sure nobody remembers who I am, or what it is that I do. I pilot the C-17 Globemaster for the Air Force. A few of my older posts are about it.

*******

I love my job. That means a lot in life. In the short time that I have been doing it, I have had enough insane experiences to fill a book. The downside, however, is not always being able to discuss it with friends and family.

Just once I would like to call my dad and tell him "You'll never guess where I just delivered 3
nuclear weapons. Out in the middle of fuckin' *****!"

Nuclear weapons.

Prisoners of War.

A group of Special Force's position.

Where the President will be 3 weeks from now.

Just a few examples of interesting information that is a BITCH to keep secret. Fortunately, this is a story I can share...hopefully.

Thursday night, I get a call at home from Operations telling me to be at the Base Ops building and ready to take off in 2 hours. The only additional info I'm given is not to wear or pack a uniform. I already had an idea where I was heading. I arrive for my briefing and get the remaining information.

"We have a grounded plane in Sochi, Russia. We need you to fly along with another crew and bring it back. Also, we don't have the time to get a maintenance team ready, so you're going to have to replace the part yourselves."

"Do you have our Visas ready?"

"Yeah, that's the other thing. We didn't have time to get those ready for you, but we're working on it. Hopefully they will be ready for you when you get there."

"And what if they AREN'T ready by the time we get there?"

"Well, worst case scenario, you two will get arrested. But I'm sure it won't get to that point."

Fuuuuuck

An hour later, we head on out. Nothing out of the ordinary. Stop in Bulgaria to pick up some Secret Service agents, a few support vehicles, and a sweet-ass Winnebago. Then to Zadar, Croatia where we crew rested for the night. Actually, there was more partying than resting.

By the way Zadar is fucking beautiful, and so are the people.

The next day, I call Operations and inquire about our visas.

"Still working on it, but doesn't look good. Luckily, you're going to have a liaison meet you by the name of Colonel Derek. He has been in Russia for 5 years, and is the point of contact for us over there. Also, we need you to take that replacement computer, and put it in your personal luggage. We don't want the Russians to handle it, or even see it."

And with that, we were off. This is where it (finally) gets interesting.

As we taxi to the parking spot, it was all business on the ground. Two hundred feet to our left was Air Force One. On our other side was Putin's jet. In front of us was about 10 blacked out SUVs surrounded by at least 50 people. As soon as we stop, the entry door swings open, and a short man in a suit and long black trench coat comes running up. He looks around, spots me, and walks over.

"Captain "Cali", Lieutenant "Cali's Bitch", welcome to Russia, I'm Colonel Derek. We are in the middle of getting your visa situation worked out. Just to give you a heads up, the local authorities have received your guys' pictures, and know to look out for you. So stay on this plane, or they WILL arrest you. I'll be back when I have more information."

"How the Hell did they get our pictures?"

He just looks at me for a second, and then leaves the plane.

Fuuuuuck

Forty minutes later, he comes back and orders us off the plane. The Colonel directs us over to where 5 Suburbans are parked in a circle. We stand in the middle of them and start filling out paperwork.

"Okay, these are your temporary visas. I have to tell you, in all my years here, I have never seen, nor heard of Russia allowing on-the-spot visas. But I guess when the president is here, shit gets done."

We load our bags in one of the trucks, and continue to wait, and smoke...a lot. The whole situation was absolutely surreal. On the side of the aircraft closest to Air Force One were a group of Secret Service Agents with what appeared to be M-4s hidden under their coats. On the other side, where Putin's jet sat was a group of Spetsnaz with assault rifles, along with soldiers that look EXACTLY how they are portrayed in every Cold War movie ever made. It looked like a face off, and our plane was some kind of fucked up 38th Parallel. Above us, two helicopters hovered at about 100 feet.

I light up another cigarette, and make small talk with the Colonel about what Bush was up to over there. A few moments later, we hear shouting in Russian from the side that AF1 was sitting. Than more shouting from the Russians on the other side. Everybody stops what they are doing. Secret Service is talking to each other over their headsets, the Spetsnaz are running around and somewhat surrounding their side of the aircraft. Then the all too familiar sound of a weapon charging shuts everybody up. Then another, and a third. By now, everyone is freaking out. Secret Service have their weapons exposed, and the Colonel pushes us into one of the trucks.

Nobody is pointing their weapons, but everybody is poised for action. I'm watching it all from inside the truck, knowing it's bulletproof, but feeling no relief. Everyone calms down after only a few seconds, and the Colonel comes back to the truck. He jumps in the driver's seat,doesn't say a single word and takes us over to the broke jet. It was sitting out in the middle of nowhere, near the end of the runway. The only light at this point was from the moon, and it was very faint. As we approached the plane, we see 4 more Russians standing guard. We carry our baggage onto the plane, and the Colonel tells the Lieutenant and I - "Nobody get on or off of this plane until I get back in about 30 minutes."

"Sir, it will only take about 15 minutes, if you want to stick around"...*please*

"Thirty minutes." He shuts the door and drives off.

Just as I figured, it only took 5 minutes to swap out the computer. We start doing our operational checkouts when we heard the engines of the plane we came in on powering up, and rumbling down the runway. At this point, I was just hoping we fixed the jet so we can get out of here ASAP. Then came pounding on the crew entry door downstairs. I open the pilot window and look down to see a Russian soldier.

"What do you want?"

Russian gibberish.

"Whatever dude... just go away." I shut the window back up.

Fuuuuuck

The Colonel finally shows up a few minutes later. We lock up the plane, get loaded up in the truck, and head off to the hotel. We are doing about 60mph across the flightline, and then off into a field. After about two miles of off-roading, the Colonel gets on his cell phone and simply says "Open the gate."

Out in the middle of this field was a single gate, barely large enough for the truck, and manned with 4 more guards. We were finally out of the airport, and speeding down public streets. He flips on the flashing red and blue lights, and completely ignores stop signs and stop lights. He ran at least 2 cars off the road in the 5 minute drive to the hotel, which was located in the middle of a damned ghetto.

"Alright, here you are. Somebody will call you with tomorrow's take-off time and the names of the rest of your crew. Oh, and one more thing. If somebody from the FSB busts into your room and goes through your stuff, just let them, and give me a call."

"Thank you sir, I didn't feel like sleeping tonight anyways."

And that was it. Went to bed, woke up the next day, bought some vodka, stocked up on $5 cartons of Marlboro Lights, and flew back to Germany.

Like I said, I have had some insane experiences in the few years that I've been doing this. But the 3 hours I spent on the Sochi Airport flightline was crazier than any mortar attack, or having a rocket fired at us on approach, or anything else I can think of.

I thought we were friend with the Russians. Don't take this as an 'Official Statement of the Government'... but we trust the Russians now just as much as we did during the Cold War.




NOSTROVIA!.jpg
NOSTROVIA!.jpg


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Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2008-04-09 13:31:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

ted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-04-08 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Like this?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FLQ

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northstar
===
kind of. i'm reading a book on the FLQ actually. it mentions the Black Panthers or Weatherman Underground (among others) who rioted and planted hundreds of bombs. the FLQ and black panthers actually had a combined plan to blow up the statue of liberty.

a single of those events would get weeks long media coverage nowadays.

then there was the ETA, IRA, etc...who were all a lot more active than now.

not to mention those who succeeded in cuba, vietnam and others.

when old members of the FLQ justify their actions publically their excuse is usually: "shit was blowing up everywhere all the time back then"

it wasn't any more clear who was the enemy. people were just not little pussies, afraid of irrelevant bearded men.

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-04-09 11:01:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-04-09 11:01:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is the only drunken rating I'm going to correct.

Submitted by firefly at 2008-04-09 09:28:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2008-04-09 08:53:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're damn right it's been a long time since you've posted. Glad you did.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2008-04-09 08:29:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

cracked out cali?

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2008-04-09 06:52:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sorry about that, tourettes kicking in again.


Uber is a whore

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-04-09 06:30:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think LM has missed you. Bless :)

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2008-04-09 06:14:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Missed you!

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2008-04-09 06:13:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Missed you!

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2008-04-09 06:13:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Missed you!

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2008-04-09 06:13:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Missed you!

Submitted by BranDo at 2008-04-09 05:44:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

So you're safe in the 'Heimat' again?




Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-04-09 04:28:53 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Probably not.

Submitted by Snark at 2008-04-08 23:36:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HotWillie at 2008-04-08 23:03:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

bitchin

Submitted by Lib at 2008-04-08 19:31:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2008-04-08 18:33:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-04-08 18:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Have you ever delivered a Elephant?!

================

No elephants. But I have carried some odd things. About 4-5 months ago, I carried a bunch of WWE wrestlers. The all god wasted on MGD, and the smell of their shit seeped out of the bathroom and stunk up the whole plane. Except for Mark Henry. His fat ass couldn't fit in there.

Submitted by Banjo at 2008-04-08 18:23:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Are you bugged? Can you find a secure connection? Then you can tell us anything. I promise none of us will use the knowledge irresponsibly.

Submitted by whiskey_jack at 2008-04-08 18:20:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Have you ever delivered a Elephant?!

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2008-04-08 17:45:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-04-08 17:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

And now the CIA / FBI / Men in Black will be busting down your door on a matter of national security! You gunning for Andy McNab's job? You know you're not supposed to talk about this shit until years after it happens right?

They will find you...

======================

Not really a matter of National Security. Nothing happened that needs to be covered up. And discussing the President's itinerary AFTER it's been broadcast all over the world isn't a big deal either. Now, if I were to tell you that "President Bush will be arriving in India on April 14 at 1400Z", then yes, that would be an issue. And as far as I know right now... that statement is false.

As for those who want to know where we take Nukes... that just proves my point. I want to tell you guys, seriously. I thinks you have a right to know, as well as knowing that kind of stuff is pretty interesting. But I don't want to risk my career (or possibly more) by blurting out "Did you know we have a cache of nuclear weapons in Sierra Leone?"

Again... not true. As far as I know.

Submitted by Banjo at 2008-04-08 17:32:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And now the CIA / FBI / Men in Black will be busting down your door on a matter of national security! You gunning for Andy McNab's job? You know you're not supposed to talk about this shit until years after it happens right?

They will find you...

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2008-04-08 17:10:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-08 16:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

WHERE DID YOU DELIVER NUCLEAR WEAPONS...TELL US!

Submitted by GodChicken at 2008-04-08 17:01:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

no, I remember you too.


Submitted by scourge at 2008-04-08 16:55:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

WHERE DID YOU DELIVER NUCLEAR WEAPONS...TELL US!

Submitted by FALLEN at 2008-04-08 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2008-04-08 16:43:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-04-08 16:41:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I watched Firefox with Clint Eastwood recently










it's no Hunt for Red October

Submitted by precision at 2008-04-08 16:31:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Just like in the movies! cool

Submitted by DeathJester at 2008-04-08 16:30:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wanna be a pilot :(

Submitted by haikumikoo at 2008-04-08 16:05:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I enjoyed it.

Submitted by Yozz at 2008-04-08 16:02:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuuuuuck.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2008-04-08 16:02:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-04-08 15:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

I miss the cold war.
At least you knew who the enemy was, back then.
===
there was a lot of revolutions and homegrown terrorism back then.



Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2008-04-08 15:59:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WHERE DID YOU DELIVER NUCLEAR WEAPONS...TELL US!

Submitted by Director at 2008-04-08 15:55:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I remember you. You do have the best job in the world. The other day I was wishing I had stayed in the military. I'd be retiring, right now, and work a civi job. Sigh.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2008-04-08 15:53:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I miss the cold war.
At least you knew who the enemy was, back then.


All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to
fly home, then I will murder him.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart on the Road